How you can avoid being a jerk that has no self-awareness on dates to turn women on instead of off.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss a painful email to read from a guy who has taken his attempts at being cocky, playful and charming too far and comes off as a total jerk who lacks self-awareness. He was on a date with a woman who seemed to really like him at first. That was until his disastrous attempt at humor actually made his date cry and leave while he sat there with no self-awareness as to why she got upset and left.
To make matters worse, he invited another woman over that he had also met on the Bumble dating app that same evening, and a short time later she also left upset after he displayed the same clueless behavior and was a total jerk. It’s a good email to see how a lack of self-awareness, sensory acuity and taking being cocky and funny too far and actually coming across as being mean can ruin your chances with your dating prospects. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
There are some cringe-worthy moments in this particular email. This guy has been following me for about four years. He’s on the Bumble dating app, and he had a date that was going quite well, and then he started making an attempt at a joke that he had thought of earlier in the day. And so, he presents it to his date and it was just like a total train wreck. The girl literally ends up leaving the date in tears, and he just has no self-awareness as to why she’s reacting this way.
And to make matters worse, she leaves the table. She’s like, “I’m just going to leave now,” and she gets up and leaves crying. I mean, the guy recognized that something was off, so you’ve got to give him credit for that, but then he gets in touch with another girl that it messaged him on Bumble, because he says he’s gotten a lot of a lot of matches on there, and she meets up with them. And within a short time later, she also leaves upset at him. And he still is kind of cocky and condescending and really hasn’t accepted the fact that he screwed up and obviously just made these women feel horrible with his bad attempt at humor, and it just didn’t click.
And so, instead of embracing the fact that he screwed up, he turns around and says, there’s something wrong with these women. Now, they might not have had the highest self-esteem. It’s possible. But if you’re going on a date and you say something to somebody that’s so upsetting to them that they start crying, and then you don’t recognize that you’re upsetting them and then they just leave the date, and then it happens twice, that’s what we call a lack of self-awareness and a lack of sensory acuity. You’ve got to be able to read the other person’s body language and their facial expressions and recognize that your humor is going over like a lead balloon. And you could use things like, “I can tell I’m totally bombing here with this joke, and it’s going over like a lead balloon.” You could say things like that.
So, I’ve got a quote where I’ll talk about a technique that I use in my books and my videos. I’ve talked about it before. It’s called wound and then heal. And I’ll get into it in the quote, because it can be powerful. Because when you do the wound and then heal technique, it’s kind of like the wound is you reveal some flaw about yourself. And then obviously, the healing is, “Hey, here’s the solution. It made me a better person,” or “I don’t take myself too seriously because of this,” and it’s a really effective strategy.
You know, when you look at people that are some of the best public speakers, they get up and they talk about a lot of their problems or things that didn’t go well for them. And so, everybody has a good laugh at their expense. And what it does is it kind of brings them down to your level, so you’re not seeing some billionaire on stage or some rich, successful person, or somebody that’s more successful than you talking about how great they are, and then you’re walking out thinking, “Oh, this person is just an arrogant jerk. They were born good looking. They were born with a silver spoon in their mouth.” But when they get up and they reveal all the crap that they’ve been through in their life and the difficult things, everybody kind of naturally feels a little bit sorry for them, like, “Wow, that was pretty horrible.” And so, you feel relatable, and then it creates rapport in your audience. And in this case, you have an audience of one, because he was on a date. So obviously, he was not able to read his audience that it wasn’t going too well.
So I had this experience, because I took Joe Williams class like 15 years ago, who was Tony Robbins head trainer, and he had what he called a speaker’s boot camp. And so, we would all practice between 2, 5 or 10 minute talks on things that we were going to talk about. And his goal with the class was to give you the best experience on stage in a group of like 30 or 40 people, and also your worst experience. And I remember I got up on stage, and I was telling a story, and I was sharing something and it was a success.
But I started off with a success, and because it came around relationships and women that people just perceived, “Oh, he’s an arrogant jerk.” And I didn’t notice that, because I wasn’t really paying too much attention to the room, and then he mentioned that. People’s physiology changed, and then when he said this, I looked around, I looked at people’s expressions on their faces and I was like, “Oh, okay.”
And so, we went back through, and then the next time I got up and I told a story, I shared something in my own life, and I literally had the instructor so overwhelmed with good emotions — because it reminded him of something with his own kids, it brought up a very special memory, and he was going through a divorce at the time — it brought him to tears he was so moved by it. And everybody clapped for me when I finished the second speech.
So, I literally went from having the worst experience where the whole room was like “Screw you, Corey. You’re a jerk” to “Wow, that was amazing.” Everybody was clapping, and they were moved by it, and several people came up to me afterwards and wanted to hear more about my experiences and what I knew. And so, it’s something I’ve used in my my work. And it’s just talking about my flaws, and my faults, and my screw ups, in my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, and then obviously my second book, Mastering Yourself, because it’s very powerful. It’s very effective.
And if you can utilize that, when you’re on a date, you’re in a presentation, it really helps you create rapport with other people, because it kind of brings you down to their level. It makes you relatable. And when they feel that you’re on their level and you’re relatable and you’ve got flaws, you’ve got faults, you’ve got things that didn’t work out, you’ve got things that were a train wreck in your life, or whatever happens to be at one point, they like you more. And then when they like you, now, you can actually influence them, because now they’re open to listening to you. Whereas if you come across as an arrogant jerk, they’re going to tune you out and not listen to anything that you have to say, even though you may have really great information to offer them.
So, I’m going to read the quote, and then I’m going to go through this guy’s email. And the quote says,
“Women love men who are playful and fun, but also who are humble and don’t take themselves too seriously. There is a fine line between using playful humor that elicits a good laugh and good feelings and being mean in a way that tries to diminish the other person through condescending putdowns.”
In the pickup community, they call those put downs “negs” or “negging the girl.” But you can take the negativity too far, and you’re going to make her feel like crap, and then she gets totally turned off.
“A good strategy that works well to create rapport and communicate that you enjoy making jokes at your own expense and don’t take yourself too seriously is the wound and then heal strategy. The wounding is the revealing of something that is a funny shortcoming of yours. The healing is that you have embraced your funny shortcoming and are comfortable with it and invite others to crack a joke at your expense. This makes you relatable and makes others feel comfortable revealing funny shortcomings of their own that they have embraced and accepted. When you embrace and learn to love and accept your own shortcomings and flaws, no one else can use them against you.”
So, in that way, vulnerability is power, it’s power because you share your vulnerability and you’re not ashamed of it, you don’t feel bad about it. It’s just like all the stuff that I did when I was younger, especially in my 20s, and all the mistakes that I made I look back on, and it’s silly to me now, but I didn’t know any better. And it really helps other people, because most guys have had similar experiences and gotten similar rejections and had similar things go sideways on them. So, it makes them relatable. They’re like, “Okay, Corey understands what I’m going through. He did the same thing. He made the same mistake. He said the same stupid thing that I did. He didn’t do the thing that he should have done, just like I did on my last date,” or whatever it happened to be.
I thought I’d be writing a success story after listening to your audio book 10+ times since 2017 after I found you after a bad co-dependent narcissist relationship that left me contemplating suicide daily, single and unworthy for 3 years afterwards, and sparked a spiritual awakening, which resulted in me developing a similar enlightenment experience you describe in your videos. (It reminds me of the quote by Eckhart Tolle, “For most people, their suffering is their spiritual teacher, because eventually the suffering brings about awakening.”)
Remember, we tend to suffer when we want reality to be other than it is. In other words, we’re not accepting reality and we’re mad about things being the way they are in our life. But you have to change it over time. And if you’re not happy with certain things, the only thing you can do right now in the present moment is to accept what is. Because if you don’t accept what it is, you’re going to suffer, because you’re not accepting reality. You don’t like the world as it is right now. But it takes time to change things. So control what you have control over. Influence what you have the ability to influence in the moment.
I rediscovered your book a few months ago, it’s been on repeat, and I’ve watched about 100 of your videos. I met a girl I really enjoy and consider an alpha since she comes from a happy two-parent home, never gets upset or offended, sexy body, has a great career, similar hobbies, and is very independent, though I consider her physically a 7. (At this time though, her cute smile and laugh is growing on me.) Despite that, she responds exactly as expected to your strategies when I respond with my newly excavated confidence. This girl is predictable and acts as expected.
It kind of sounds like everything is lab experiment to him at this point. Because what can happen, when you start to see things at work — and I had an experience like this as well when I was learning — is that you can take being humorous and playful too far to where it’s mean and it hurts the other person’s feelings. And you can see it in her face. And so, when you notice that, when you’re taking things too far, that’s why it’s so much better to to make jokes in person versus over text, because you can’t see the other person’s body language or physiology or how they’re reacting to it. Especially if a guy is trying to be funny and cocky and goofy in text, and she doesn’t know him and he doesn’t know her, and he’s not done this a lot, he can take it too far and then all of a sudden, he gets ghosted.
But I went out on a date tonight, which turned into two dates after the first one left me at the table to finish her wine, and I then invited another which I had not replied to her text in a week, (since I’ve been overwhelmed with the women in my bumble app). Though, both dates ended up with the women leaving upset at me.
Well, one thing I have to admit, I’ve never had a woman up and leave a date in the middle of it. It’s never been that bad. I’ve had a few bad ones when I was younger and I didn’t know any better. But two women in one night, you get a medal Olympic medal for that one.
I thought I was beginning to overcome my low confidence and fear of not knowing what to say. I stayed in the moment with this 8/9, though I was taken by her beauty, she was talking and laughing a lot. She had strong attraction, since we spoke on the phone a few days earlier for 15 minutes and made definite plans to meet.
This is where it starts to go sideways.
After about 45 minutes, I pulled out my phone and opened the Bumble app to make a joke, which I had thought of earlier in the day, of relating the Bumble app to the Pokemon “Pokedex,” which displays all a Pokemon’s stats. (Since I kept thinking love is playful and ridiculous, I wasn’t afraid to make jokes at my expense or that of my maturity.) She then got upset that perhaps people behind us might see me on the Bumble app when I am with a girl that “looks like her,” she said.
Yeah, if you’re on a date with a girl you met on the Bumble dating app, I probably wouldn’t pull your phone out and start going through it. And especially what you’re going to see, what he’s about to do.
Perhaps low self-confidence and a fear of rejection?! IDK, she was a smoke show! I then mentioned I should just delete her profile since we already met and there is no point being matched still.
So, if you say something like that, come on, man. You’re on a date with a girl and you’re like, “I’m deleting the match”? You delete the match, what does that mean? It means that the match sucked. So, in other words, you’re kind of rejecting her publicly, right in front of her. It’s kind of condescending. It’s just a bad way to go. And then he continues on.
I then mentioned I have had some strange Bumble dates and implied that some may have been stalkers, and I didn’t want them seeing my exact distance in miles and images after our dates.
So, again, you talk about other women when you’re on a date with a woman, guess what? They’re going to assume you’re comparing her to these other women. So, notice her next response.
She asked, “Do you think I am a stalker?” I said “No, but there’s a lot of weird women out there,” jokingly. She asked, “Am I normal?”
So, again, you’re making it worse because now you’re implying that she’s weird.
I replied, “You are almost there, so keep it up.”
So now you’re kind of telling her that she’s weird and not normal. It’s like, man, it’s just going off the rails.
WITH A CONFIDENT SMIRK, as I signed a slanted palm to an encroaching flat “normal” line with my other hand. After deleting her Bumble profile, she looked like she was about to cry.
Come on, man. Jesus Christ, you’re deleting her profile right in front of her in a public place in a restaurant. So, it looks like she’s probably thinking this guy is going to reject me in front of everybody. And he’s still not picking up on it, he still has no self-awareness.
Her tears were held back. I felt bad and replied, “You okay. Who needs a Bumble profile when you’ve got the real thing here?” in a reassuring manner.
You should have said, “I’m sorry. That joke totally bombed. It went over like a lead balloon. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset. I was just trying to be funny, and obviously it didn’t go too well. I used to take the short bus to school, so I’m a little mentally challenged, I’m not perfect.” Because that goes into the wounding part.
If you’re trying to recover, it’s like, now you want to kind of put yourself a little below and show that you’re not condescending and you’re not arrogant towards her, that actually you’re on a lower level in that case, humor wise, until you see her body language start to recover. Because again, the idea is like, you just don’t take yourself too seriously. But the problem is you’re being mean, and you’re condescending, and you’re rejecting her right in front of everybody in the restaurant. And it’s like, that’s just not cool, dude.
She said, “I don’t know how I should feel right now.”
“Well, I was hoping you would laugh, but obviously that joke didn’t go too well.”
Then, “I never had this happen before.” She was at a loss for words. “My confidence is still intact though,” she said. I replied, “It’s okay, you can delete mine.” She said, “I can’t since you deleted mine. Both are deleted now!” I said, “Well, you can delete my number. Damn, actually I would still have your number. It’s okay, I’ll delete your number then,” jokingly.
What’s the saying, when you’re in a hole, stop digging. Ohh, train wreck. Crash and burn. Clean up in aisle five.
Then she said very shakily, “I’m going to leave now,” as she got up and left. I said “Okay, thanks,” and she left. I deleted her number to not be tempted to reach out, but please tell me this is not normal hot girl behavior!
Dude, you were being a fucking jerk. It’s like, that’s horrible. If you’ve got a way to get the number, you should reach out and say, “I’m sorry. My jokes totally bombed last night and I’m really sorry it made you feel bad.” I don’t think she’d reply to you, but that’s brutal, dude.
Am I coming off as an asshole rather than a cocky gentleman?!
I am appreciating my other girl I regularly date, since I never had to walk on eggshells like this before around her.
Dude, that was just horrible what you did. That’s in a public place. You’re basically rejecting her. You’re being kind of condescending and arrogant like, “Hey, I’m better than you, and now that you don’t meet my standards, I’m going to reject you in front of everybody.” It’s horrible. You know, it doesn’t matter whether she had a healthy self-esteem or not at that point. It’s like, that’s just fucking rude. And the fact that you have no self-awareness, and it didn’t dawn on you. You’re taking things way too far. And keep in mind, there’s another one this same night.
I was having a great time and thought she was too and felt like I was on the right path. I did not let this get me down and was able to call another girl over who I had met on Bumble. (No c’mon man needed here. I would never dream of inviting a girl I was really interested in over with a spontaneous “come over now” text!)
So, you’re inviting a girl over that you don’t really like, because you want to make her feel bad to build yourself up. That’s just not cool. You shouldn’t tear other people down to soothe your own ego, to make yourself feel better. That’s just not cool. It’s not something a nice person would do. You don’t have to be a nice guy, to be a doormat, but being a dick like this is going to get you nowhere, man.
She came in 15 minutes to argue about why men aren’t masculine, and women aren’t feminine. Still not sure what she was talking about. I just laughed it off and maintained my center. I could tell she was getting more upset as to why I “could not logically explain” to her why I believed this. I ultimately said it’s because “I am a man and I penetrate everything in my life with pinpoint precision, from my career, passions, hobbies to my woman as I look her in the eyes.”
Come on, man. Oh boy.
I then said, “women are emotionally based and men logically,” and she couldn’t understand if she tried. I didn’t expect much since she had told me she was BPD in our phone conversation a week earlier. She was a hot 21-year-old, and I’m 34 and handsome and buff/fit, but it wasn’t meant to be that way tonight with her either.
I shrugged it off and laughed all the way home thinking any lesser man would be crushed by two rejections, but I’ve got about 10 women in the lineup, so I look at two bad dates in one night as a good thing, since I focus on my purpose 3+ nights per week after my day job. I don’t only online date. I’ve been really enjoying meeting girls out and eyeball fucking them, gently of course, and watching their reactions.
Dude, come on, man. You’ve got to definitely smooth out those rough edges. You’re taking things too far and you’re being an arrogant dick and ass. I mean, you’re you are spot on in your analysis like, “Hey, am I being an asshole?” It’s like, yeah, you’re being an asshole, dude.
Anyway, I thank you for helping me to experience these and many more awesome experiences.
Well, hopefully you don’t have any more like this and that you get the message. You can’t do this. You can’t be this way.
I have evolved so much in my career and have several side hustles I am working on, and also want to coach others, since I see the joy I bring and the effect I can have in people’s lives.
Like, yeah, you really brought a lot of joy to these two girls’ lives tonight.
By just being friendly and talkative to people I meet daily. I don’t want to perpetuate the negative broken home I had and want to help evolve the consciousness of the planet through injecting love into the collective consciousness.
Well, you weren’t injecting loved into those two girls lives, and you definitely should apologize for being a dick, just because. You’ll probably never hear from either one of them again, but it’s just the right thing to do. Why? Because you fucked up, and when you fuck up, a man admits that he fucked up.
(And a few hot beef injections along the way.)
Thank you from the bottom of an ex-hermit’s heart who thought this kind of amazing life was only reserved for the rich and famous.
Well, I think it’s great that you’re having success, but it’s like I hope you see that, man, that was pretty brutal. I haven’t seen an email where a guy’s done something like that in a long time. Probably the last one was “The Clueless Creepy Stalker,” I think from six, eight years ago. This has that level of lack of self awareness. And that one was REALLY bad. This one’s not quite that bad, but it’s pretty bad. I mean, you made a girl cry, dude. It’s like, come on. Get a clue. You can’t do that. You went way, way, way too far.
And that’s why I said, a way to recover that is to go back into the wound part, where you just kind of put yourself below the other person. It’s really effective, especially if you’re in sales and you want to be able to bring yourself down, whether you’re talking to a billionaire or the homeless person on the street. You want to be able to talk about your flaws and your faults and things that haven’t gone well for you in life. And then they kind of see you that you’re just a human being with flaws and faults, just like them. It’s very effective.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women love men who are playful and fun but also who are humble and don’t take themselves too seriously. There is a fine line between using playful humor that elicits a good laugh and good feelings and being mean in a way that tries to diminish the other person through condescending put downs. A good strategy that works well to create rapport and communicate that you enjoy making jokes at your own expense and don’t take yourself too seriously is the wound and then heal strategy. The wounding is the revealing of something that is a funny shortcoming of yours. The healing is that you have embraced your funny shortcoming and are comfortable with it and invite others to crack a joke at your expense. This makes you relatable and makes others feel comfortable revealing funny shortcomings of their own that they have embraced and accepted. When you embrace and learn to love and accept your own shortcomings and flaws, no one else can use them against you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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