The kind of women you should never trust and try to have a relationship with.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says my work helped him transition out of a twenty plus year marriage into a happier and healthier life. However, recently he found out that his girlfriend of a year cheated on and left her husband for another man from an acquaintance of his.
He confronted her about it, and they discussed it numerous times. Every time, she lied to his face about what happened, but he eventually found out the truth and she admitted to it after first lying about it. Now he doesn’t trust her and is not sure what to do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
You can imagine, now he’s thinking, “How can I trust this woman?” And so, this sucks. I mean, these things are going to happen, but this is why you date. This is why you test drive the car, so to speak, so you know what you’re dealing with. Because he said everything was going great in their relationship until this problem.
I’ve read your book a few times and watch your YouTube videos regularly. Thank you for everything that you do. You really helped me transition out of my 20+ years marriage and into a happier, healthier life. I’m divorced now and have been in an exclusive relationship for a little over a year now. My girlfriend is 40 and I’m 50.
So, the key to keep in mind is she’s forty years old. And so, once we get into what she’s been doing, if at forty this is the way she is, she isn’t going to change.
I’m contacting you because I caught my lady lying about her past. Here’s some background: she married her boyfriend after 8 years being together and then divorced a year after that. That was 10 years ago. Her original story is that he was a good man, but they divorced because he wanted kids and she wanted to focus on her career, so they split up.
Sounds legit. Why should you have any reason to doubt? This is the interesting thing about when you’re dating somebody, that we’re always putting our best foot forward. We’re trying to sell the best version of ourselves, but we want to get to, who are you, really?
She also specified, I remember, that he’s the one who wanted the divorce, and she refused at first but then had to concede. A couple of weeks ago, over a year into our relationship, I heard through an acquaintance that my lady was cheating on her husband when she was married, (10 years ago).
That’s a really fun situation. Swell. That sucks.
I laughed thinking “stupid rumors,” and then asked some specifics to test the source and the information. I managed to get the name of the guy she was supposedly cheating on her husband with. I did some basic searches on the web, and found out she was in business with this guy for a few years.
Huh, imagine that. The story continues to unfold. Sherlock Holmes, here, is on the case.
When I got hold of all this information I was pretty upset.
I would be too.
I didn’t understand why she never spoke to me about this guy. They were obviously in business together and, from the sounds of it, in bed too for a few years. She had told me about her ex-husband and other exes that she was with after him, so why leave that one out?
Because it doesn’t look good. She’s selling you on what she wants you to think she is. But remember, a person’s actions always reveal their true character, and true intentions, and the true way they operate.
I was also upset about the way I found out about it. To hear this from an acquaintance made me feel pretty low, because I’m a pretty private man. This information and the way it was delivered hurt me because I love and trust this lady.
Love cannot exist where there is no trust. Remember that little nugget.
So, when I asked her if she knew this guy, she didn’t volunteer any information. Some blah, blah about what he does. When I told her the “rumor” I heard, she then said that this was a long time ago, (10 years), and it was a very dark part of her life.
This is a great tell when you’re trying to see if people are being truthful or they’re lying. If you told her the rumor and it was just a rumor, she would have just said, “That never happened. That’s ridiculous. Of course not.” Remember, the longer the excuse, the bigger the lie.
She explained that this guy is narcissistic, was in love with her and tried to destroy her professionally and personally when she refused to be with him.
Remember, she still never said no, or just a simple, “That never happened. Who told you that?” So, the fact that he’s she’s giving this long diatribe reveals the deception.
She denied being romantically involved with him. I then asked if he had anything to do with her divorce, and she said no.
But look how long it took to get that out of her. A simple no would have been like, “No, I was never with that guy. Never happened.” That’s if that was the truth, but instead, she goes through this long diatribe, which reveals that she’s lying. That’s a problem.
I told her that I didn’t tolerate lies and deception. She said that she never lied to me and never intends to.
“Oh, I never intend to lie, it just kind of happens. Whoops! There was a little lie there. Whoops, sorry!”
And that she has always answered all my questions. I said that it’s not just about answering questions, it’s about sharing pertinent information. I told her that getting that information and getting it from someone else was like getting a bomb blown up in my face… extremely deceiving for me.
She said she was very sorry for not sharing this before and said she just wasn’t ready yet to share this dark part of her past with me.
I’m sure it was traumatic, but she’s lying because she knows it doesn’t look good and it doesn’t show that she has any real character. Which is why she, oops! omitted that big part of her life. They were together ten years and she just conveniently left that guy out? I mean, what was she, thirty at the time? So, this was happening in her twenties, early thirties, just left it out? “Oh, I just left out a decade of my life there. Oops! I forgot about that.”
She said it took her years of therapy and counseling to get out of the hell she had with this guy. This guy had such a strong grip and control on her that she was made to feel like nothing without him. She finally got the courage to run away from him and left the business she helped build and had to start from scratch. She calls it a traumatic part of her life… memories she wants to forget… a place she doesn’t want to go back to.
Hey, it’s understandable, but the point being, she fucking lied.
She said her intention was to share this information with me. She just didn’t feel ready… the timing also wasn’t right.
Well, I would say the timing was never going to be right. She just had no intention, and quite frankly, I can understand from her perspective why she wouldn’t say anything about it because it doesn’t make her look good. But how she handled it doesn’t make her look good.
When we spoke further about this, she finally admitted she was involved with him but only after her divorce. I also asked her what her ex-husband would say about all this, and she said that he would say that “that guy stole my wife.”
Ding, ding! Now we have the truth. Voila.
I understand this is a long time ago, I also understand the fact that it’s a difficult piece of the past to share with someone.
I totally agree with that.
But she lied to me.
Yes, that’s the important thing.
She omitted this guy altogether, lied about being involved with him and lied about the fact that this had nothing to do with her divorce. My issue, Coach, is a trust issue now.
Well, love cannot exist where there is no trust. You’ve got to have the same goals and the same values, and a woman who is lying about this continuously, repeatedly to your face, what is that? What could that possibly mean? I don’t know.
You should know that I’m pretty straight. I always told her that I have no tolerance for lying and cheating, and I work like a switch. If I sense any of that, I turn off like a light.
Yeah, easier said than done when you care about her.
I think that might have made her scared about sharing this part of her life.
She’s a liar. That’s what liars do. Liars lie because people can’t handle the truth and they don’t want to admit the truth.
She didn’t admit it, but my feeling is that she DID cheat on her husband, he found out and wanted a divorce.
You’re probably right. Because, quite frankly, you can’t believe anything she says. Because every every time you confronted her about it, she lied. And she continued to lie to your face. It wasn’t just one lie, it was multiple lies.
The narcissistic guy was the main reason for the divorce. She tried to get her husband back, but it was too late… damage done.
Maybe. I don’t know about that. I think the husband might have found out and just said, “She belongs to the streets! Get out of my house, woman.”
What do you suggest, Coach? Should I be hung up about this?
Do you want to be in a relationship with a woman you allow to get away with numerous lies? Because if you do that, you enable her behavior. And now, when you enable the behavior, you give her permission to do it again because there’s no consequences. So, one lie, maybe, but when it’s just one lie after another, trying to cover up another lie?
I mean, think about it from this perspective, do you think Hillary Clinton’s ever going to start being truthful and honest? It’s not going to happen. Do you think Bill Clinton’s going to be truthful and honest? Not going to happen. Never, ever. You think they’re going to change? No fucking way.
The past is the past, and I get why a person isn’t eager to share some of their dark past. I also get that she’s scared about my reaction, and when I confronted her it wasn’t in a very receptive way. It was confrontational. Sensitive matters need to be untangled gently, with time… not forced out.
I’d be pretty pissed. I’d be even more pissed that she lied to cover up the lies, and then lied on top of that, and then lied some more.
What I worry about is her ability to lie in my face.
There you go. That’s the important thing.
Also, a cheater is always a cheater, so I’m worried about that too.
Yeah, she’ll probably fuck somebody else if she ever gets to the point where she’s not happy in your relationship. That’s reality.
What are your thoughts about this?
Well, if I’m in Las Vegas and I’m being asked to place a wager on her never lying to you again and never cheating on you, I’m not taking that wager. I’m going to take the wager that she’ll probably lie to you again and probably cheat on you if you slack off. Because, if I look at her actions, that’s who she is.
And even though it’s a decade later, and was very traumatic, and she went to therapy and everything, she’s still lying her ass off. So, therefore, what can we assume? As Gerald Celente of the Trends Research Institute says, “Current events form future trends.” If she’s lying her ass off to your face today, well, she’s going to continue to lie in the future. That’s just a fact. That’s just smart business. I mean, you’ve got to know your downside risk, and it is what it is.
I love her deeply.
I’m sure you do, but she’s a liar.
Her actions and words are very coherent.
Huh? The bottom line is she lied her ass off. And especially if you want exclusivity and monogamy with somebody you can trust, like I said, love cannot exist where there is no trust.
I feel she’s all in with me. Extremely attentive, soft, feminine.
Except the fact that she lies to your face.
She makes me feel like I’m her I’m priority #1, the center of her life. Until this incident, we were both very happy with our relationship. I guess I’m just looking for a second perspective on this.
Keep up your great work.
So, I can’t tell you what to do, but the bottom line is, if you’re going to stay with this woman, you should never, ever be surprised if you catch her in a lie again. And if she ever cheats on you, well, hey, you stuck around.
I mean, the reality is, are you going to be perfect? You know, even if you know the book backwards and forwards, is there ever going to be a time where you don’t slack off? Where you’re just absolutely the perfect, best boyfriend – or husband if you guys decide to get married – for the rest of your lives and she’ll never screw around on you if she’s not happy? Well, that’s that’s your decision.
I’m just saying, if we look at her actions, if we bottom line her actions, she’s a liar and a deceiver at the present moment. Not ten years ago, she’s lying to you today. So, if she lies to you about that, what else is she lying about? You don’t really know. She’s presenting you with an image that she wants you to buy and you’re buying it, but now you found out that what she sold you is not actually the case.
If it was me, I wouldn’t place a wager on it, but like I said, it’s your life. I know it’s tough. Everything seems great, but the lying. But one of your big pet peeves, one of your big values that you say, is you don’t tolerate lying and deviousness and being deceptive. Well, she just did that in a big fucking way to your face.
So, maybe you date another year or so, forgive her, see what happens. But maybe something else comes out. Maybe nothing comes out, I don’t know. I don’t have a crystal ball. All I’m saying is, if I was a betting man, it’s like, do you think Hillary Clinton is going to change? Do you think she’s going to become honest? That’s not going to happen.
It’s your life. I feel bad for you, it really sucks, but you’ve got a decision you’ve got to make. Your values are being questioned. You’ve stated to the universe who you are, and now you have a woman who is challenging your value system. And so, are you going to put up with it? Or are you going to send her back to the streets? Do whatever you want. As long as it makes you happy, whatever, dude.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Love cannot exist without trust. A woman cannot love a man she does not respect. People don’t change who they are, but they may become a better version of themselves. A liar will always lie, but they become better at hiding it. People who have no integrity typically continue to operate without integrity. The only thing that matters is what people do, not what they say. It’s not your job to fix or save broken people. That is their responsibility. It is your job to boot them from your life or you will attract more of them. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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