How to pass the kiss test and avoid coming on too strong and turning her off.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who met a woman at a speed dating event. He got her number and contacted her 4 days later to make a date. During the date, her body language indicated that she was closed off and not open to him. He started touching her and she seemed responsive. Then he went for the kiss and got rejected.
He tried a second time at the end of the date and got rejected once again. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Obviously, he was not properly reading the signs that she wasn’t interested in being touched or kissed. And then at the end of the date, she wanted to dip out instead of going to the next place that he had planned. Then, he tried to kiss her again, so he got rejected twice. And he says this has happened on other dates in the past.
If you’re familiar with How To Be A 3% Man, the idea is to create the conditions where, if a woman likes you enough to start out passing the physical attraction test – meaning on a scale of 1-10, she has to perceive you as a 5 or better – then you can raise it. The idea is to go slightly slower than she does, to the point where she gets a little frustrated and is kind of eager. You’ll be on dates and the woman will just grab you and start kissing you, or be on dates and say, “Aren’t you going to kiss me?”
That’s the kind of thing you want, because that’s what she wants, it’s her idea. When it’s her idea, you don’t have to worry about getting rejected. The idea is to create the conditions where, from the time you meet, everything that happens after that, you create the conditions where she starts to pursue you more. And then, you never really have to worry about getting rejected.
It makes things so much easier, and it’s more fun that way. Women will like you more this way. They’ll be more flexible. You’ll never have to worry about getting rejected for sex. But guys that are impatient, that act like robots, that don’t have any sensory acuity, they have problems like this guy does. Even though he says he’s read the book ten times, he’s not really applying what it teaches.
By the way, my second Quotes book, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations – Volume II,” is out in hardcover, paperback and ebook, and I’m working on uploading the Audible in the next few weeks.
Hi Coach Corey,
First off, I have to say your work is great and has made a difference in my dating life. I have read your book 10 times, (audiobook and text). I am finding it easier to chat, joke and tease women whenever I meet them. I am also now more confident about myself and my core beliefs, all thanks to your teachings!
However, I am noticing a pattern that has happened in the last few dates recently. I met this girl at a speed-dating event where we matched and she left her number. I texted her 4 days after the event with only brief conversations, and it was very easy to set up a date to meet for drinks.
So, what that tells me is, if she’s excited and enthusiastic to make a date with you, she likes you. You passed the physical attraction test. In other words, on a scale of 1 to 10, you were at least a 5 or better in her eyes.
We met at this bar, and I felt the initial conversations and vibe was good. There was a lot of back-and-forth, teasing, smiling, laughing and I let her do 80/20 of the talking by asking questions. I initiated physical contact by occasionally touching her hands.
If you’ve read the book ten times like you claim, typically, especially on a first date, you want to create the conditions where she’s not so sure, “Does this guy even like me? Is he into me?” Because, if you start touching her, you have to look at the body language. Where are her knees pointed? Are her arms in front of her chest, or is she turned away from you? Is she playing with her hair? Is she leaning forward to touch your arm when she’s talking?
When you’re not waiting to do those things, you’re escalating too soon – which we’ll to get later in the email. I think he realized that he was escalating too much, too soon. You want to create the conditions, like I said, where she’s like, “Why is this guy not into me? Why is he not touching me?” – when the women come right out and say, “Aren’t you going to kiss me?” One of the examples I use in the book was with a girlfriend of mine. I was walking out of a restaurant and I turned to ask her where her car was. And because I was going so slow with everything, she was so wound up she just grabbed me and kissed me.
It’s fun when things are like that. It’s much better, because then, women perceive you as the prize. They perceive you as the guy that they’re glad to have been the one that won you over. But when you’re trying too hard, too soon, touching when she’s not open to be touched, women pick up on that. They sense that you don’t know what you’re doing, you can’t read subtle cues. And you’ll see that in some of her feedback, in some of the things she said to this guy while they were there.
Her body language was reserved at first.
Again, you don’t start touching a woman when her body language is closed off to you. I spent a lot of time in sales, and so, I used to watch very closely and I used to teach all of my sales agents this. Couples would come in, especially because the top two or three things that people get stressed about in their lives, number one is buying a house, number two is getting married. Those are the top two stressful things. And so, if you’re engaging with people and advising them on one of the most stressful things they’re ever going to do in their life, you’ve got to look at their body language.
People would come in, their arms would be closed, their body language would be closed. When they would relax and they felt comfortable, their arms moved away from their chest. Because they’re expecting a sales pitch, so they’re on their guard. And instead of a sales pitch, you’re just shooting the shit like an old friend hanging out. And then, they feel comfortable, the guy takes his glasses off, sets them on the desk. He opens up, he opens his body language. His arms come back behind his head, things like this. He’s comfortable. He feels like he’s hanging out at home or hanging out with a close friend. And then, that’s when you can start going into your sales pitch, if you will, or talking about your information.
You’ve got to get the person that you’re sitting across from to feel comfortable with you. And women have been on so many dates with so many guys that didn’t know what they’re doing, their guard is naturally going to be up. And if you’re a guy that has experience and knows what he’s doing, you’re going to be in no rush. You’re going to be asking yourself the same thing, “Do I like this girl? Can I see myself with her? Do I enjoy listening to her talk? Is she interesting? Is she fun to be around, or is she boring?”
If you’re desperate and you don’t have a lot of choice and a lot of options, you’re going to be grabby and handsy, because you’re needy and desperate and you’re afraid of getting rejected. If you’re not worried about getting rejected, then you’re in no rush to make anything happen. And then that makes her wonder. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And when you start touching her all over right away, she knows you’re super into her. But if you’re not touching her, and she’s used to guys being handsy and grabby with her, then she might start to think, “Does this guy not like me?” And then she tries to get your attention. And that’s what you want.
But I started observing small signs where she touched my arm lightly a few times, then go back to being slightly reserved, (arms slightly closed, legs crossed).
When you see that, there will be things that you say that make her feel uncomfortable. And you can even see, like even the videos I’ve done over the last year or so with all the girls that I’ve had on the podcast; I say things, and you can watch their body language change. They don’t like some of the things I say. Which is fun, it’s amusing to me, and hopefully you guys, as the audience, you notice that. But you’ve got to pay attention to those things, because she might be open to you one moment, and then you say something, she didn’t like it, and then her arms go back and her legs get crossed.
You have to pay attention to those things. Did you put your foot in your mouth? Did you say something that was over the line? Or did you say something that maybe made them feel a little bashful, a little shy, or that they didn’t want to acknowledge that you were right? Because, again, when people cover their emotional center right here, it means emotionally, they’re feeling uncomfortable for whatever particular reason. So, you’ve got to pay attention to those things. Just because she was open a few minutes before, if she closes back up, then she’s closed up in that moment, and that’s what matters.
This happened a few times, but I saw it as a sign and went for the kiss.
He’s misreading it. He’s he’s going for the kiss. If she’s reserved, arms slightly closed, legs crossed, and he goes for the kiss, you’re definitely going to get rejected there. And as I talk about in “3% Man,” the way the kiss test works is, typically at that point, the woman has moved over next to you, she’s leaning into you. And if you’re doubtful or not, just look at her lips while she’s talking and then slowly back up at her eyes, and then down at her lips, and then slowly back up into her eyes.
If she looks at your lips when you’re doing that, she’s ready to be kissed. And if she doesn’t, then she’s not. But if she looks at your lips when you’re doing that, you’re not going to get rejected. And so, that’s what the guy is missing here. He probably thought, “Oh, she was open to me a few minutes ago. I should kiss her now.”
She pulled back, saying “We’re not there yet.” I shrugged it off and continued joking, teasing and chatting.
So, again, that tells me he wasn’t paying attention to the body language at the present moment.
She then asked, “What are your expectations for tonight?”
She’s probably starting to get the vibe that this guy just wants to get laid, “He’s just looking to hook up with me.”
And I remembered your teachings on not being too serious and always having a comeback, and I responded with, “To find out your deepest darkest secrets,” with a smirk on my face, which she laughed at.
Always go with the flow, use humor – easygoing, easy to get along with, no rush.
I think after this was when I felt the vibe and her interest level slowly coming down.
He probably got into his head a little bit and started worrying about how things were going. Because, I mean, at this point, now he’s tried to kiss her when it was totally inappropriate. And so, now she’s going to assume that this guy doesn’t get it. She’s been out on, who knows how many, dozens and dozens of dates where the guys did the same thing, he basically couldn’t tell. And so, now she starts to put you in the category with those dudes, the guys that she’s rejecting or losing interest in, “Oh, he doesn’t get it. This guy will probably become clingy and needy, blow up my phone. Am I going to have to get a restraining order?”
I had booked a second venue at a nice bar with live jazz music and suggested we go there.
The idea is this kissing and the heavy petting and touching is what happens throughout the evening. Remember, it’s hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, and then hook up while you’re hanging out. And so, it’s too much too soon.
She initially agreed, but then subsequently bailed by saying it was late and whether I would mind going alone.
That tells you that she wanted to leave. She didn’t want to spend any more time with you. She had pretty much made up her mind. If a woman’s really having a good time, she wants to stay with you. And if she’s not, the vibes off, she wants to dip out. And that’s what this girl wants to do. She wants to dip out, she wants to leave. So, if somebody’s trying to leave and get away from you, you encourage them to go, “Hey, I had a great time. I’m going to go check out that band. If you change your mind, you shoot me a text.”
I said, “Yeah, no problem. I am still going there anyway.” We hugged goodbye, and I tried going for the kiss test again and she pulled back saying, “This is too fast.”
It’s like, come on, man.
What do you think Coach Corey?
I think you were not following what’s in the book. It’s subtle, but the bottom line is the body language was not open to being kissed, and that’s why you got rejected. It’s obvious. Besides, if you had gone to multiple venues and you had never gone for the kiss, you had just been hanging out the whole time and not had an awkward moment, you’d say, “Hey, let’s get out of here,” or “Let’s check this jazz band out. There’s a really cool jazz place around the corner.” Pay the bill, and go and lead her there.
And then you want to sit near or close to her where she can reach over and touch you. The idea is to create the conditions where she feels comfortable doing it to you first. And you were impatient. You were trying to move things along a little too fast.
Did I over escalate things by trying to kiss her too soon?
Absolutely, and you were not paying attention to her body language. Again, the kiss test involves looking into her eyes, looking down at her lips, looking back into her eyes, looking at her lips, and then into her eyes as she’s talking in normal conversation. You can just casually do this when you’re on a date, and if she looks at your lips, she’s thinking about kissing you.
Or did I try and initiate physical contact by touching her hands too much?
Obviously. Less is more.
Should I have not gone for the kiss again at the end?
Correct. She’s leaving. She wants to leave the date. If a woman wants to leave the date, it means the last thing she wants to do is kiss you. She’s trying to get away from you. You’re not paying attention.
I had a similar experience at another date before this, but that time I think I messed up as, when I was touching her hands there was no reciprocity, but this time around there was some. Or was it still too early?
Appreciate your thoughts Coach!
Again, that’s not what I teach in the book. Let women touch you first, especially on the first first date. See if she starts bumping into you as you’re walking together. That’s why you go to two or three different places, because it gives her the chance to feel comfortable. And when women feel safe and comfortable, their body language opens up to you, and they literally start physically touching you. But if you start touching them before they’re ready, you can just see, you were not paying attention.
You may have read the book ten times, but you’re literally doing the opposite of what it teaches. Maybe you’re following somebody else, or you read somebody else’s work, or you’re following some of the pickup artist guys. It’s like, this works way better, letting women come to you. Because if a woman is always chasing you and trying to seek your attention and validation, guess what? You never have to worry about getting rejected.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book coaching session with yours truly.
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