The Low Risk Way To Ask Out The Hot Girl From Work

The best low risk way to ask out the hot girl from work.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is interested in asking out his hot costar. They have done a TV series together in the past and are currently co-starring in a play together. They’ve known each other for about five years. He’s unsure if she’s interested, but he’s working up the courage to ask her out and wants my opinion on the best way to handle it.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who’s an actor and he’s known this particular co-star of his for about five or six years. They’ve done various projects together. They worked on a Netflix series together. I’ve gone through his email and it doesn’t really seem to be huge signs or any noticeable big signs that she’s really interested. These things are going to happen as you work with somebody that you like, and you’re just not seeing real huge indicators of interest. Obviously, like in this guy’s case, because they’ve done several projects together in the past and more than likely in the future, they’ll end up acting together in future projects. So the best way to go about this is to is to ask her out in a way that it doesn’t kind of really look like a date because again, it’s really hard to tell if she’s actually interested in him because I don’t see any signs here. This guy is new to my work. He just started reading 3% Man, so he clearly doesn’t know what to look for yet, but in his email, I haven’t seen anything that really shows or illustrates that she’s into him. So it may be the case where he’s into her, but she kind of thinks of him in a more platonic or professional way.

In those cases, whether you’re working together as an actor, with an actress you like, or you work in the office and you like one of the cute girls from the office, the best low risk ways to do this is just kind of be casual, because what you want to do is you want to create the opportunity to where you’re hanging out in a social context without really doing much other than hanging out and having fun together, maybe with your co-workers. So something like inviting her and your other co-workers to go out for a happy hour after work, you and maybe three, four or five other people all hanging out together, because if a girl really likes you, she’s going to put herself into your orbit, she’s going to come sit next to you, she’ll touch you, she’ll lean into you, she’ll bump into you as you’re standing next together, she’ll play with her hair, she’ll punch you playfully when you tease her and banter with her, she’ll expose her neck to you. If you’re not able to interact in a way like he is because I guess they’re doing a play right now together and there’s not much opportunity to interact, doing something in a social setting where, “Hey, we’re all going to go out, have some drinks after work,” or whatever, “We’re going to go to happy hour,” just so you can observe her body language, because what typically happens in these kinds of situations is if you work together, the girls that like you are just going to spend more time around you, they’re going to spend more time engaging you in conversation, looking at you, noticing you, that kind of thing.

So it’s hard to tell in an office environment. Then you get into a social setting and you go and you have drinks together. Where does she sit? During the course of the evening, does she move and gravitate towards you? Because if a girl really likes you, she’ll put herself in your orbit and get closer to you, to the point where she’s literally bumping you or touching you or coming up with reasons to touch you. Where are her knees pointed? Are her legs crossed with her knees pointing at you, or is she kind of leaning away with her legs crossed the other way, almost like she’s trying to escape? Because if he’s going to ask her out, ideally in something like this, what typically happens, you go to happy hour, and then over the course of the evening, other people start to leave and take off, “Oh, I have to get to my significant other,” or whatever. If the girl really likes you and she’s single, she’ll be the last one to leave. Then it’ll just kind of be you and her hanging out together. Then you can leave from that venue to go somewhere else, maybe have a bite to eat. Then after you have a bite to eat, you can go to a third place maybe that facilitates some physical interaction. Something like bowling, miniature golf, Top Golf, go karts, video games, shooting darts, playing pool together, throwing axes, those kinds of things that can facilitate her touching you more, because say you’re at the third place that you’re hanging out, you go to dinner afterwards and it goes pretty well and then you invite her to hang out and do something afterwards, that creates a condition, especially if you’re playing pool or throwing darts, she has a reason to get close to you or near you. Especially if she doesn’t know how to play pool very well or she can’t, if you’re at Top Golf or miniature golf, she doesn’t know how to hold the club, you can kind of get behind her, it facilitates physical interaction. In that moment when you’re close like that, especially when it’s just the two of you at that point and you’re still unsure of whether or not she’s into you, you can use the kiss test from the book, and if it looks like she’s receptive, then you go in for the kiss.

As you make out, making out leads to heavy petting, and when you’re heavy petting and kind of all over each other and you’ve been hanging out for four or five hours since you started happy hour together, you can say, “Hey, why don’t we get out and go back to my place and open a bottle of wine?” Or if you’re not a drinker, “Hey, let’s get out and go back to my place and have an espresso, a macchiato or a coffee,” or whatever. If she’s down, she’ll say, “That sounds great.” If she’s not quite ready yet, then she might say, “Well, let’s have another drink.” Then after you have another drink and you’re more kissy-poo, then you can ask again, “Hey, why don’t we get out here and go back and open that bottle of wine?” Then she might say, “Yeah, let’s do that.”

So ideally that’s going to be a better way to go about it, especially in this case where again, this guy’s brand new to my work. He says he just started reading the book, he hasn’t gotten through it, so I don’t think he’s really picked up, noticed or focused on indicators of interest, because he doesn’t really lay any out in here other than that they occasionally touch physical closeness, that kind of thing. I assume I guess he’s got physical closeness because like a lot of actors and actresses get together when they’re starring in a play, a TV or a movie series together, and they’re cast together and they are in the movie or the thing they’re playing each other’s romantic interest, you’re going to have to kiss each other because that’s part of the part. You look at somebody like Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds, very famous couple that met. Even though it didn’t end well, but Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie met on a set of a movie that they were on together. So you see a lot of couples, especially in Hollywood, that date their co-stars, and the parts require physical interaction and acting like a couple. So that can be really helpful in breaking the touch barrier, but again, because he’s brand new, just started reading the book, I don’t really see any big, big signs other than her acting in the part that she’s super into you.

So a more low risk way of, “Hey, why don’t we all get together and do happy hour after work,” or “After we finish our last performance Friday or this weekend,” or “Let’s all go to dinner together,” or something like that in a way that you bring everybody there. So as people start to leave as the evening progresses, if the girl really likes you, she’s going to stick around and she’ll end up being the last one to leave, then it’s just you and her, then you can go to another venue and then another venue. So you end up at three different places from the place that you start out at, because that way if you hang out and say you get together five or six people and she’s one of the first people to leave and she never really comes near you when you’re hanging out, if she really liked you, she would have been closer to you, she would literally have put herself into your orbit. She’s leaving early and not sticking around, not touching you, not bumping into you, not really paying much attention to you, kind of keeping her distance and then she leaves and is one of the first ones to leave, I would assume she’s probably seeing somebody else, just not that interested or interested at all, or doesn’t want to give you the impression that she’s interested, because more than likely, this guy is probably already kind of revealed to his co-star that he likes her, and if she knows that but it’s not reciprocated, then she’ll kind of keep him at arm’s length and not do anything to encourage this or encourage any romantic advances from him.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I hope you’re doing well. I recently started reading your book How To Be A 3% Man, and I’m loving it so far. It’s the fifth book on attraction I’ve picked up, and your insights really resonate with me.

I wanted to share my situation and ask for your advice. Due to the nature of my work, I need to keep names and details anonymous, but I’ll provide as much context as I can.

I’m an actor, 28, and I’ve known this actress, who’s 24, for about five or six years. We worked together on a Netflix series but were more acquaintances than anything else. When I first met her, I was a pretty nice guy, and I did approach her. However, she liked someone else from the show, and they started dating quickly. They were together for five years before breaking up a year ago.

So she clearly had more enthusiasm obviously for the other guy, but it didn’t work out and now she’s single again. So if what he’s saying here was that he did approach her, but I assume that means she rejected him, but five years later, the other guy is out of the picture and now they’re co-starring together.

Now, we’re co-starring in a two-person play about relationships, breakups and love. The play is passionate and playful, requiring emotional connection and physical closeness, including a kiss. Over the years, I’ve grown more confident, but she’s still someone I find difficult to approach.

I’ve been teasing and playful, using light touches and banter while being careful not to overdo it. I also gave her a welcome gift— Flowers, wine and mangoes— A common theater tradition.

I personally wouldn’t be buying gifts. I know it might be a tradition, but more than likely the real reason you’re doing that is you’re hoping to ingratiate yourself to her with your gifts. Did she buy you a gift? Probably not.

She’s responded warmly at times, initiating hugs and connection, but also balances that with moments of coldness, which keeps me guessing.

So it could be like when you see each other, as the workday begins, she comes over and gives you a hug because you guys are playing romantic interests, so touching and kissing is required as part of the performance.

We’re performing for three weekends, followed by a three-weekend gap, and then the final three weekends. During the first weekend, people commented on our great stage chemistry, which I used as an opportunity to tease her.

Yeah, you could refer her to, “Yeah, it’s my work wife, but obviously if the play calls for it, it looks like, but we break up and then we get back together and then we break up, it’s kind of messy. Kind of like life, but it’s fun.

I haven’t texted her between weekends, choosing to maintain space. My only chances to interact are during the weekends we work together.

So if you guys already have each other’s phone numbers and there’s no reason for you to contact her or her to contact you regarding work and then she reaches out to you and initiates contact, well that’s kind of the things that women do. They come up with reasons to get in touch with you, but if you’re not seeing that, well obviously that’s not an indicator of interest. If she was really interested, she would come up with reasons to text you and create conversations or interactions to make it easy for you to make something happen.

She recently referred to me as her dog’s uncle, which confused me—does that make me her brother?

Well, maybe it was just kind of joking, “Oh yeah, this is my dog’s uncle.” You don’t really know.

She also tends to call me her friend when talking to others…

Well, that is a tell. She may be saying that to let you know that she just thinks of you as a friend. So if she says if you’re in conversation and she’s talking to other people, “Oh, this is my friend,” you could say, “Well, technically because of the part we’re playing in, we’re actually friends with benefits on stage.”

…Though I don’t think I’m in the friend zone since we’re not particularly close. I’ve never tried to date her, but I feel there’s potential.

Well again, what is she doing to give you indications that she’s romantically interested? Again, at this point, I still don’t really see anything, and the fact that she’s referring to you as a friend to other people? Again, you could playfully joke around and say, “Well, technically on stage we’re friends with benefits, kind of. There’s a little kissy-poo happening. It’s a lot of drama involved, but that’s what the story calls for.“

I’m mindful of the working environment. While it’s light and artistic, it’s still professional. I don’t want to disrupt the dynamic or make anyone uncomfortable, as the play is her primary focus.

That said, I feel ready to be bolder this weekend. I’m considering complimenting her more directly or introducing subtle insinuation while keeping things flirtatious and exciting.

Well, you’re not going to talk her into liking you. Attraction is not a choice. It’s either there or it’s not. If you’ve always been too nice in the past over the course of the five or six years that you’ve known her and she kind of just thinks of you as like a platonic friend, again, she is introducing you and referring to you as her friend. You can say, “Oh, I’m her friends with benefits from the play, but we’re just actors. I just play one in the play. I just play her friend with benefits in the play.”

I also plan to use the play’s emotional intensity and physical closeness to build attraction.

Again, the best way to handle this, because I don’t really see any big sign, if you look at how easily she got together with the other co-star I guess from the Netflix series and then they dated for five years, they were definitely both really attracted to one another. Being in that television series definitely facilitated it, but here, with the amount of time it’s passed, her referring to you as a friend, I don’t really see anything. So it’s better to go the low risk route instead of thinking you’re going to talk her into liking you or compliment her into liking you. All you’re really going to be able to do is reveal an attraction that’s already there because again, it’s not a choice. It’s possible that she found you physically attractive when she first met you, but due to your interactions or you’re being too much of a nice guy, she just thought you don’t have the kind of confidence that she expects.

Again, like I was talking about in the beginning of the video, the best way to to go about it is to invite her and your other coworkers or co-stars from the play to hang out and get some drinks after work. If she likes you, she’ll find a reason to come hang out with you guys, and she’ll continue to hang out and usually be one of the last ones to leave, but if she’s one of the first people to leave the happy hour, then end up hanging out with everybody else, then I would say there’s probably no indication that she’s really into you. If you go and you hang out and nothing happens and you’re like, “Well, I may never work with her again. I may never see her again,” after the play is completely gone, you could always text her and say, “Hey, I really had a great time working with you. We should get together for dinner sometime. See what she says. She says yes, great. If she says, “Well, I only think of you as a friend,” you say, “Well, I’d be down to be friends with benefits. I would like to get to know you.” If she’s like, “No, I just want to stay friends,” you say, “Hey, no problem. Well, let me know if you change your mind.”

I wouldn’t ask her out in the middle of you working together, because if she rejects you and she’s not interested, now you have to kind of work together and it can be awkward until this play closes out. This way, if you don’t really see any signs and she doesn’t want to hang out and do happy hour, but you still want to shoot your shot and be a little bolder, at the very end, when you’re done working together, you can always text her and say, “Hey, we should get together for dinner sometime,” or “Hey, we should grab a drink sometime. I really enjoyed hanging out, working with you and being your work husband for these last few weeks or few months.” If she’s down, she’ll say yes. If she’s not interested, she’ll say no, but that way, since it would be all done and you don’t have to work together anymore, at least on this project, you just say, “Hey, well if you ever change your mind, I’d love to see you.” Simple as that. She may reach out. She might. You might not ever hear from her again and you might not ever work with her again.

How can I use body language and subtle communication to plant seeds of mystery and spark her interest?

Well, you really don’t. What you’re trying to do is you’re trying to take the low risk approach to finding out if she’s into you before you risk it. That’s why instead of being direct and asking her out on a date, you invite her and some of the other people from the play to come and go to happy hour or to grab dinner together and hang out, just so you can observe her and see what she does. If she likes you, she’s going to engage you in conversation, she’s going to sit next to you, she’s going to be close to you. If she purposely sits away from you and with other people and talks to other people, then she’s probably not that interested.

Again, when women like you, they put themselves into your orbit so they’re close to you to the point where they’re literally bumping into you to make it easy for something to happen. If she does like you, she’ll be one of the last ones to leave, if not the last one to leave. Then you can just invite her to go do something else afterwards. “Hey, let’s go across the street and throw some darts or shoot some pool.” Or if you were at happy hour and everybody’s leaving, you can say, “Hey, there’s a great little bistro down the street, why don’t we go grab a bite to eat?” She can say yes, she can say no. She says yes, then you go and you hang out, and as you’re walking down the street, is she bumping into you? Is she touching you? Does she sit right next to you? Does she sit extra close? Does she lean into you when you’re at the table?

How do I break preconceived notions she might have about me and deepen our connection?

Well, you shouldn’t be worrying about that. What you’re trying to do is ascertain, does she like you romantically or not? If she does, then you would advance things based upon the behavior that you observe when the time is right.

When the time is right, how can I ask her out confidently without being too obvious or over-invested?

Thanks for your time and the incredible value you bring through your work.

Best Regards,

Your Actor Friend (Bob)

Again, the best way is to invite her to happy hour with other co-workers. Again, if she likes you, she’ll go. If she doesn’t, she won’t, or maybe she’s already busy, or you could say, “Hey, we should all get together now that the thing’s ending,” or “It’s about to end. Now that we’re on break, we should get together for a drink and celebrate our first few weeks after our opening.” Again, if she likes you, she’ll make sure she’s there. If she doesn’t, she’ll say, “Oh, I’m busy. I got this. I got that. I can’t make it. Thanks for the offer.” Again, when women like you, they put themselves into your orbit and they make it really easy.

Now that you’re reading the book, I would suggest you get through the book at least once and highlight all the stuff in there that talks about the things that women do when they like you so you can be looking for them, because what it looks like when he wrote this email, he was just starting to read the book, so he really didn’t know what to look for yet. Hopefully by now he’s been through the book at least once, some light bulbs are going off. Either way, signs that she’s definitely, obviously interested or no signs at all that she’s interested. Again, everything I said about arranging a get-together with everybody that you work with, then you can see what happens, because if she likes you, she’ll stick around. If she’s not, she’ll be one of the earlier ones to take off and leave. Then if she is, if you don’t see any indicators of interest, you don’t have to risk anything, you don’t have to risk awkward moments. Therefore, you don’t create any problems with any future projects that you may interact with her on.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.