The Many Ways Women Friend-Zone Men Without Them Realizing It

How to avoid getting friend-zoned without realizing it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who just broke up with his girlfriend of about 2 months. They were dating for about 4 months total and she brought up exclusivity. However, she would often take 24 hours to reply to his text messages. He dumped her due to bad communication. She said she has an avoidant attachment style and needed to work on herself. They are no longer together, but they still see each other at events and he seems to be waiting on her to give him the green light to date and be intimate again. He doesn’t realize she friend-zoned him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Video Newsletter is, “The Many Ways Women Friend-Zone Men Without Them Realizing It.”

So this particular email is from a guy. He just broke up with his girlfriend of about two months, they were exclusive. And they were dating for about four months total. And he said he noticed that she would often take 24 hours to reply to his texts. He ended up breaking up with her because of bad communication. And then she says, “oh, I got an avoidant attachment style.” And she’s got to work on herself.

So they’re no longer together. But you could tell he kind of seems like, “oh, this is just a pause on our relationship. She’s going to fix this and we’ll pick right back up where we left off.” And apparently I guess they do probably country line dancing or whatever together. So he knows he’s going to see her. But now his personal life is on hold and he doesn’t really realize that he’s been friend zoned.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

This is Bob. I found you in November last year and currently on my 3rd read of your book. Me and my girlfriend of one and a half months just broke up. Over our 4 months of dating I made sure that she was the first to mention exclusivity around 7 weeks in before advancing our relationship, same for becoming official. After 30 days official, I did break up with her for lack of communication, but after deep conversation the two of us realized that we wanted to work through it.

I set a one and a half month timeline to keep my self-respect. Before 2 weeks passed she came to me realizing that she truly cares for me and acknowledges that she carries an avoidant attachment style. She can regularly take up to 24 hours to respond to texts and I’ve had plenty of opportunities to practice infinite patience.

Well, normally, I mean, if a girl after two months of dating. Well, I mean, you’re broken up at this point, but she’s taking 24 hours to respond to texts. That’s rude. She’s doing it on purpose. And it’s usually indicative of the fact that her interest, and most importantly, her respect level for you has dropped. But if we just take a step back and we bottom line our actions, you shouldn’t be in an exclusive relationship with a girlfriend who waits 24 hours to reply to your texts.

And the other thing is, is that if she’s waiting 24 hours to reply to your text, then that would tell me that you’re the one initiating contact most of the time. So are you really following what’s in The Book and letting her come to you? Because if you’re four months down the road, she should be doing 90, 95% of the pursuing at this point. And so, if you’re sending a text and she’s waiting a full 24 hours, that doesn’t sound like you guys are really that close.

It sounds like there’s a total lack of intimacy and closeness. And plus, you broke up with her. So that tells me where you are, and where she is, is in different places. You think you’re in a relationship, but you’re basically in friend zone, as you guys will see in a second, because there’s something very important missing here in this interaction since they split up.

She wants to heal her past traumas so she doesn’t default to not letting people close to her, therefore she’s taking a cycle of abstaining from sex and men so she can give her time to God for healing.

So what she’s basically told you is she’s not ready, willing, able and open for a relationship. So even though you’re trying to work things out or get back together, it just kind of sounds from the way you’ve described things that once you got back together that you started pursuing and she started backing away. But again, I could be wrong. But like I said, it just looks like you’re the one pursuing her and she’s kind of blowing you off and treating you like a second class citizen.

I see this as your concept of true love where I’m too freely let her choose to love me, someone else, or no one at all, where it seems God is the relationship she is pursuing right now.

Well, when she says, “no sex, no men.” What she’s really saying is, “no sex and no you.” Because it’s quite possible all of a sudden, “oh, I met this other guy, and it just kind of happened that his PeePee ended up inside me.” But the reality is, if you bottom line her actions, she’s making no effort.

She says, “no access to the box and no me.” Okay, well, you’re single. You’re a free agent. This is over. That’s the way you need to look at it, not keep pursuing her and try to get her to spend time with you or try to get her to notice you.

I wholeheartedly want to see her healed and know I don’t have to be there, so I agree to this break up.

Yeah, you guys aren’t. You’re in essence in friend zone at this point. And you’re kind of like a backup plan if she decides she wants to start seeing you. Because women don’t dump men at they’re head over heels in love with. If after four months of dating, she’s okay with no sex and no you, well, that tells me your interest is low at that point. It’s so low that she doesn’t want you romantically in any way. And so in that case, it’s time to move on. If she’s saying, “she’s messed up.” Well, believe her that she’s messed up then.

And because if you look at her actions, it’s like she’s not making any effort to make you feel needed, wanted or desired. You’re an afterthought. Because this is a classic case. When women dump a guy, they often say that, “oh, I need to work on myself. I need to focus on myself.” What she’s really saying is, “she’s not romantically interested in you enough to want to see you romantically anymore. You’re just basically a backup plan in case she’s got nothing else going on.”

My question is how do we drop the intimacy but maintain the connection?

It’s like, you don’t. You don’t call or text this woman for any reason. And again, that’s why even though you were like, “oh, everything was great.” But after you broke up, she’s not making any effort and she’s cut you off from access to sex and saying, “it has to do with God.” I’d say it has to do with low attraction. So if I were you, I wouldn’t call or text her again for any reason.

If she reaches out, as I say in The Book, your job is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be kissed. You don’t keep hanging out with and dating a woman that does want to date and sleep with you.

She won’t be spending time with me alone but we’re country dancers and are very likely to see each other twice a week to dance and socialize.

Thank you for all your work, you are an amazing inspiration!

Bob

Well, dance and socialize and treat her like any other woman that you were tired of fucking, that you’re no longer together with. You’ll be nice, you’ll be polite, but you should be talking to other women. Your attitude should be, “I want somebody that’s ready, willing, able and open to dating me. And this girl said, no dice.” So if she doesn’t reach out, doesn’t call you, doesn’t text you. You should assume that it’s over. And Elvis has left the building and is probably not coming back. So there’s nothing anymore between you.

You’re firmly stuck in friend zone. Your a guy she used to date and sleep with. And she’s made it clear she’s no longer interested in dating and sleeping with you. But for you to go, “oh, let’s maintain the connection.” It’s like, “no.” You think you’re in a relationship with her, but the sex is off because of “God.” The reason that she doesn’t wanna have sex with you is she’s not feeling it.

That’s the bottom line. Because, again, if she was head over heels in love with you like you tried to portray in the beginning of the email, she wouldn’t be treating you like a second class citizen and not calling and not texting. And again, she’s waiting 24 hours to reply to you. You’re obviously not very important to her, despite the attachment styles. That’s. I know it’s harsh, but that is just simply the way it is my man.

Women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, it means they voted for you. And she’s clearly no longer with you. So if I was you, I wouldn’t be going up to her to socialize or anything. I’d be having the attitude of, you’re a free agent. This girl just told you she’s messed up.

So therefore, you’re going to place your attention on women who are nice to you, who are easy going, easy to get along with and actually want to be with you. And make the effort to be with you. So you should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. If she ever reaches out, assumes she wants to see you invite her over to make dinner.

Hang out and have fun and hook up. If you’re doing your country line dancing and she comes up and is touching you, and if the signs are there that she’s ready to be kissed, make out with her and then take her back to your place and hook up. That’s how you should just treat it.

Your job is simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen. But like I said, what it looks like is that she became interested, wanted a connection, wanted a relationship. And then for whatever reason, a few weeks after that, she became turned off to the point where she’s waiting 24 hours to reply to your text.

So that tells me you’re probably doing most of the pursuing, and she’s kind of ignoring you because it’s rude. When a woman waits a whole 24 hours to reach out to you, it means their interest is really low and they don’t respect you, and they don’t value what you guys had. So that tells me that she’s way more important to you, than you are to her.

And you should pay attention to that. So somewhere along the way things would sideways and her attraction dropped. I mean, she could be a total fruit loop, but like I said from her actions, it just looks like you were doing and saying things that turned her off. Because women don’t go from being head over heels in love with you, to being okay with disappearing from your life and not seeing you or having sex with you. If anything, if you broke up with her, she would have tried harder to get you back and spend time with you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.