In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has a fourth date tomorrow with a woman he is very interested in. He shares some of their text exchanges over the past week. One of the nights when he was texting with her, he had been drinking, which caused him to be a little cocky and brazen. After four days when he did not hear from her, even though he had a date set up for the next day, he started a nonsensical and pointless texting conversation with her.
This email is a good illustration of, and pinpoints, the moment most guys start doing and saying things to sabotage their success, turn a woman off and start losing her. I tell him what he needs to do to prevent ruining his chances with the kind of woman he’s always dreamed of dating. This is the first woman he’s ever dated that matches his ideal. He’s 34 years old.
I have my fourth date with a girl tomorrow that I am very interested in. Two days following our date last week, she texted, “Hey there. How was your day?” (This is what I talk about in my book. The guy only has to start the courtship and reach out to her for the first two to three dates. Then, the woman should put herself into his orbit in hopes he will want to see her.) I waited until the next day and said, “Good. By the way, I had a great time with you the other night. Let’s do it again next week. When are you free?” She responded very well to that, textbook Coach Wayne. She said, “I did too. I am available Thursday or Friday.” When I responded, I was out with a few buddies having a drink, and thus slightly brazen, as I have a tendency to be. I said, “Friday it is. I will see your gorgeous ass at 7:00. Have a good night.” After midnight, she responded, saying, “Deal. Not sure I can hold off that long.” (That tells me she wanted to see you in this particular moment in time.) In my stupidity, I responded at 2 am when I saw it, saying “C’mon babe. All you have to do is double click that mouse until Friday. Then I’m all yours.” My previous email explains the double-clicking of the mouse comment.
Anyway, the next morning she just said, “Hah,” so whatever. I didn’t respond or anything because, what’s the point? However, I broke down four days later and struck up a text conversation. Whoops. (Instead of being cocky and charming, he came off as arrogant and didn’t get the desired response, so she backed off.) Nothing big, but still I know it was wrong. Shame on me. Yesterday, the conversation picked back up, again, my bad, but ended after a few meaningless texts, with me being the last to say anything. I absolutely hate when that happens! (You are literally talking this girl out of liking you.)
We have a date scheduled for tomorrow. As you will see from my previous email, I have not slept with this girl. She is on a different level than any other I have dated, and I am 34 and never married. I have dated quite a few girls, but this one seems to be getting to me. (This is what happens. When guys start dating a woman they really like, they become extra accommodating so they don’t screw up, then start overcompensating, becoming too nice, and becoome a doormat.) There I go putting her on a pedestal, if not by actions, in words. Bad idea. I’ll stop that shit right now.
But here is my question Coach: Aside from you telling me to stop the texting, which I know, but I just couldn’t help it, what do I do with this situation? (This is the story you tell yourself to justify continuing to text and pursue. You are literally getting in the way of her falling in love with you.) Is there something that I can do now or tomorrow to just get centered on this again? I feel slightly out of whack, and it is something I am not use to. (Now you are unsure of yourself, which has put you in a fearful state. The fearful state causes you to practice the illusion of action, thinking you need to do something to get her back or to re-attract her, but you shouldn’t try to force things.)
Thanks for all your work,
My response to him:
It looks like you did a great job for the first three dates. It’s obvious you really like this girl, and she seems to really like you judging from her responses you shared in your email. Your problem is, now that you’ve got a fourth date scheduled, you’re obviously starting to really like this girl, and therefore you are reverting back to your previous over pursuing bad behavior. You need to resist the urge to text and chit chat when you are in a fearful state and trying to figure out where you stand with her. I also would not text her when you’re intoxicated. That’s really stupid.
So what you need to do on your fourth date and subsequent dates is to hang out, have fun and hook up like I talk about in my book. You’re moving into the danger zone because you’re becoming emotionally invested in this woman and falling under the illusion of action like I talk about in my book, and thinking you have to do something to get her to like you more. The bottom line is this: if you don’t exercise emotional self control, you’re going to allow yourself to text, chase and pursue this woman right out of your life. The fundamentals are working really well for you, but you need to stay committed, or you’re going to blow it.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Most guys who screw up perfectly good dating opportunities with the kind of women they’ve always dreamed of, tend to fall under the illusion of action. What this means is that they believe and talk themselves into doing something in order to cause a woman to like them more, or to want to date them. This really is nothing more than weakness, insecurity, neediness, fearfulness, desperation and neurotic behavior causing them to try and make up for something that they feel they lack. In other words, they don’t feel like they are good enough or deserve to have the kind of woman that they really want, freely choose to love them and want to be with them. This manifests itself in the form of excessively contacting a woman, over pursuing her, and generally trying to force themselves into her life, instead of letting her come to them at her own pace.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne