The No Contact Rule

Oct 7, 2015 by Coach Corey Wayne

Angry young coupleWhat the no contact rule is and how to properly apply it when it comes to negotiation, attraction, getting an ex back and generally standing up for yourself, so you can get what and who you want in life.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who asks me about the no contact rule regarding a woman he has been intermittently dating over the past few months. They met back in May. He says that June and July were really great between them. However, in August she supposedly started getting stressed about work, and her behavior changed towards him.

She has become distant and always seems to be busy now. She is away on business for the next few weeks, and by the time she gets back and he potentially has a chance to see her again, it will have been a month since they last saw each other. He is not happy with this and obviously wants to see her more. He asks me if this is the kind of situation where he should apply the no contact rule to see if it changes her behavior. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.

Hi Corey,

Long story short, we met in mid May, June and July were amazing, and she did most of the work, calling and texting. In August, she started getting stressed with work, and we no longer texted every day. Welcome back!We also didn’t go on an actual date that month. She came to over to my place 4 times, but nothing formal. On August 27th, I dropped her off at the airport, as she’s traveling to Utah for a work conference. Fast forward a week, she’s back, but she seems a bit distant, so I didn’t invite her on a date. (That tells me you’re probably reaching out to her and doing most of the pursuing. Usually after the second or third week or date, the woman will start reaching out and contacting you. That’s when you make the next date. If she says she’s too busy, tell her to get back to you when she figures out her schedule.) She did come back with news that she was offered a new gig. I was super happy for her, because I knew she hated her current job.

September 7th through 11th was her last week at her old job, and when I asked her to hang out, she said her coworkers had invited her out for drinks, and she had family plans for Saturday and Sunday. (This tells me again, you’re still pursuing. If you’re doing all of the pursuing at this point, you’re not going to be successful.) From September 14th through 18th, she will be in Iowa for training. Fotolia_78673569_Subscription_Monthly_M I tried to see her before she left, but she said she needed to get everything ready for her two week trip. (You need to stop calling and texting and wait to hear from her. You need to give her some time and space.) The next time I’ll even have a chance to see her is maybe the 26th or 27th of this month, which by then would be a month without seeing her. (That tells me you are probably in backup position for her.) I know she has a lot of things going on right now, (No, she’s just got a low attraction level because you over-pursued), but her effort to communicate is very low, (The quickest way to get someone else’s attention is to remove yours), and I just don’t want to be making excuses for her behavior. (The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.)

Here is my question. Would this be a time to use the no contact rule, or do I just need to be patient and let her settle in? (At this point, there is no reason you should be calling and texting all of the time. You need to read my book 10-15 times, so you understand the principles I teach backward and forward. You should only call two consecutive times in a row, and if she turns you down, then back off and wait to hear from her. She keeps turning you down, because she knows she’s got you.)

Thanks for your help,

Bob

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“You should always pay attention to the level of effort that people who you are in relationship with make. If you notice that people start to take you for granted or are less than enthusiastic to see you, then you should remove your attention and not contact them until they contact you first. If they notice and they care, they will make an extra effort to make you feel wanted and appreciated. If they don’t notice your disappearing act, then you know where you stand. You shouldn’t be willing to make time for people in your life who don’t care whether or not if you’re in theirs.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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Published on October 7, 2015

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. The no contact rule works, now it doesn’t have a 100% success rate, but if you are in a low spot in talking with a girl or if you just broke up with your ex and you want her back it most definitely has a good percentile of working. And if it doesn’t work, then you just unhitched yourself from that relationship that wasn’t worth your time. I’ll give you a current example. I met a girl while she was visiting her mom where I live. She lives a few states away, we hit it off and started talking, she was doing a majority of the pursuing (TAKE NOTE*, She was doing the pursuing) and it was really easy to keep her interested because I had a purpose and drive in my life. She would chat back and forth and I was up in the air about whether to get involved with her because it was LDR. She visited for the holidays and we hung out and had a great time together. I started to become more attracted to her and realized that it wasn’t some vacation romance for her, so I started to develop more feelings. She went back home, I started to pursue more, she went cold, I noticed it and she gave me the “I don’t want a boyfriend right now, but we can continue to talk and if our feelings change we can let each other know…” I was fully versed in C.W.’s stuff up to this point and immediately backed away, I told her that I wasn’t interested in a friendship or being her gay male boyfriend and stopped all communication. During this time I worked on myself, I got in really good shape, I worked my butt off at my job and about a month later she sends me a text. The text was basically apologizing and telling me how much she misses me. Now, we aren’t a couple but she initiated the line of communication back open, after she opens the door again I didn’t slam it in her face. You pretend like nothing happened, and I haven’t been an asshole or a love bird. She is feeling a lot of emotions right now (missing me, sorrow, and loneliness). I am using the phone to basically check in and set potential dates when she comes to visit. I am not using it as a device to carry on a conversation. I am really keeping her in an emotional state of arousal to keep her attention and not let her get bored. Before I started reading Corey’s stuff I thought that women loved chatting away on the phone, which they do, but with a man they have to feel emotionally driven to talk with you. A boring man is a useless man, so stay strong men, always be thinking about sexual polarity. Don’t let her be the man in the relationship and do not pursue or act like a woman. Men have purpose and drive, and they are meant to be a woman’s rock and mountain. You don’t let them push you over or drive you emotionally unstable. Thank you Corey, this relationship may not work out in the end, but you are dead on with a large part of your topics. Be men and be well.

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