The On-Off Relationship That Drained Me

Why on-off relationships typically don’t last & how to avoid them.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who dated an insecure woman who would get mad at him, break things off and block him, only to return a few days or weeks later. Things would be good for a short while, then she’d do it again and the cycle repeated.

After five rounds of this he finally tapped out because it drained him emotionally. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who was dating an insecure woman and she would get mad at him. It looks like she used breakups as like a weapon to get him to comply with her wishes. So like anytime things didn’t go her way, she’d threatened to end the relationship. She’d get pissed off at him. She’d end it. She’d block him on all social media. Then a few days later, a week or two later, she’d be back in touch. They’d start hanging out, having fun and hooking up again. She’d apologize, and then something else would set her off, and then she would do the same thing all over again. After five rounds of this, he finally said, “OK, I had enough of this.” On top of that, he’s blocked everywhere once again.

So you can call this an attachment issue or whatever you want, but this is a chick that’s kind of messed up. She uses breakups as a weapon. At the end of the day, statistically, if you or somebody you’re in a relationship with is constantly threatening to end it as a way to get you to comply or modify your behavior, it’s almost 100% chance certainty that it’s just not going to work out because somebody is going to get tired of the making up and the breaking up. So if you find yourself in a pattern like this, or dating a girl that just goes off about something, blocks you everywhere, disappears for a few days or a week or two and comes back, you’re pretty much dealing with a fruit loop. So you date enough women, especially if you’re doing online dating, you’re going to come across these girls. So you need to know what to look for and what to expect so you can quickly move on, because if you really like her, it gets hard because as soon as things are going well, you think, “Hey, finally we’re hitting our stride. Things are going to go well.” Next thing you know, she pulls the plug because she got butt-hurt or mad over something. It’s just not normal type of behavior.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been following you for about a year and have read 3% Man eight times. I still make some minor mistakes, but not as much as I used to.

Well, that’s good news because the idea is you’re just trying to get a little bit better each and every day. Better than you were before. As a man, you’re always growing, evolving, trying to get to the next level.

I’ve been dating a girl for about four months. She is 24 and I’m 33. We met a year ago when I approached her in a library. We chatted for about an hour, it felt natural with light banter, and I got her details.

So if you’re talking for a whole hour, that’s a sign that you have chemistry and attraction and she’s easy to talk to, which is important. So that would be what I consider an approach that went well despite how it turns out, at least initially, there’s chemistry, there’s attraction, because if you can carry a conversation for an hour when you meet, you’ll probably have a great time on your dates. A lot of guys ignore that. They’re just trying to get the number and run away really quickly, but you want to vet them as well. You want to see, “Do I like talking to her? Is she easygoing, easy to get along with? Is she nice to me? Does she carry on a good conversation? Is she interesting to listen to? Is she fun to be around?” Those things are important.

At the time, I was already seeing two other girls, so I didn’t set a date with her for another two months.

Well, I would say in that case you probably weren’t super into her anyways, at least initially.

I just didn’t have the time. When we finally went out, the date lasted four hours across a few locations. It was fun, easy, and she did most of the talking but I didn’t go for the kiss.

On the second date, I went for the kiss when the vibe felt right, but she gave me the cheek. I realized then she was structured. Afterwards she offered platonic friendship.

So right off the bat, that’s not a good sign. So if he’d gone for the kiss in the first date, he could have figured out from the first date that she was structured, and as I’ve said in the book, this is why you don’t date women like this, because it’s always a problem. Something’s always an issue. She’s got a little box. She expects you to fit into it and operate and live amongst the four little walls that she puts you in. If you don’t, there’s going to be hell to pay. It’s easygoing, easy to get along with and who’s nice to you.

Right off the bat, if you had plenty of choices and plenty of options, that should have been the end of it, but we all know that rejection breeds obsession. We make our decisions based on our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify those decisions. Obviously, somebody more experienced would have just told her to take a hike when she got back in touch, especially once he realized that she is structured.

I declined and said hit me up if you change your mind. She said, “Not a chance.”

Fast forward six months and she reaches out. We meet a few times and eventually start hooking up. That’s where the problems start.

After the first time, she texted saying she didn’t want to see me again. She said she only dates to marry and can’t do casual.

Again more,” Hey, these are my rules. You need to comply or else.”

I told her, “We should take it slow, just in case you’re crazy ha ha.”

So again, you’re hooking up two, three times already. She’s demanding a commitment and a relationship, “Oh well, if you’re not going to give me that, well then go screw yourself.” So you can just imagine what the family is like growing up in that environment. “If you don’t do this, that’s it. You don’t do this. I’m taking away your Xbox. If you don’t do this, I’m taking away your car.” It’s just a lot of emotional turmoil. You can just imagine what that was like. So you get a window into it.

So some of that structure needs rules and routines. They need structure to their life. It’s the only way they can cope and deal with the real world. Again, that’s why you avoid them, but you know, we make our decisions based upon our emotions, and it’s like, not until you’re into it and you date a few of these women, you go, “OK, now I see what Coach is talking about. He’s been around the block a few times,” and this is why.

After the second time, I didn’t reply to one of her short texts. She complained to her sister and blocked me.

It’s like, already tiring. Oh my God.

A few days later she unblocks me and we start hanging out again.

Part of it is like, “Yeah, let me see if I can just see what happens with this little blue book.” You can’t fix a broken one with my book. As good as it is, it’s not going to fix a messed up girl. It’s not going to fix a girl whose parents did a bad job.

More dates, more indoor Olympics, more attachment.

In other words, he’s getting emotionally invested and she’s hot. That’s why he kept sticking around, hoping things would get better, because logic and reason have left the building a long time ago. It’s all emotions at this point.

She said it went against her values that we weren’t exclusive, so I agreed.

So you cave. That’s part of your problem. You’re trying to please her. “Oh, I don’t want to piss her off. I don’t want to lose access. I don’t want to lose access to those sweet strawberry fields, Coach. I don’t want to miss out on those sugar walls.”

Then I over-pursued for about a month and she said, “I don’t see a future. I need space.”

Yeah, over-pursuing a messed up woman. Yikes…

I gave her space and she reached out again in three days. We go straight back to three H’s, seeing each other almost every day, with her initiating most of it.

So at least he pumped the brakes there and realized what he was doing. I mean, at the end of the day, dating somebody like this for a guy in his situation. It makes you tougher. It makes you emotionally stronger, helps you learn to exercise emotional self control because you’re going to need it down the road. Especially when you date your 10. You come across your 10, the girl that you’ve always wanted or dreamed of, and it’s girls like this that beat you up emotionally and mentally a little bit. They toughen you up because again, you’re going to need those skills later on.

So you should look at it like, “Hey, it’s part of the process.” It’s part of the process of growing up, being a man, coming of age and learning to deal with your emotions, learning to manage the conversation that happens between your ears without it freaking you out or emotionally hijacking you.

After a few months, she said she didn’t feel loved, that I didn’t do enough, and that I should be pursuing her more. Then she broke up with me again.

What a yo-yo! Oh my God.

This was basically the whole relationship. We see-sawed between extremes. If she was unhappy, she would threaten to end it.

Again, that just doesn’t work.

So you could tell in her family growing up, bullying, threats, intimidation was the norm. You don’t get what you want. Somebody doesn’t comply. You threaten them. That’s how she operates. That’s what she learned. She doesn’t know any better.

We’d spend a lot of time together, then the next day she’d want to break up. I tried to fix it, but after about five times I was worn out emotionally and stopped caring.

See, again, it beats you up emotionally and you just realize, “You know what?” You surrendered to it and you go, “There’s nothing I could do. This chick’s a screwball. It is what it is. I didn’t do this to her. This is what her family did.” So it’s like once you accept that, once you accept the reality and you go, “You know what? Coach is right about those structured girls,” but you know, a lot of guys are hard headed.

Again, despite listening to me and hearing other guys’ video newsletters that I talk about, they’ll still go and do the same thing if she’s hot enough. They’re like, “Coach, the thirst is real. You don’t understand. You should imagine how amazing she looks naked.” I get it, but when you had enough, you’re just like, “Eh, it’s just another smelly taco.”I’m just kidding.

My last message said I didn’t like her behavior, that it’s difficult to be with her, and that she needs to work on her insecurities.

You know what? That was awesome. It’s good of you to tell her that, because at some point she’s going to go, “That Bob guy? He was right.” Maybe she’ll change, but probably not.

She got defensive, involved her sister, and called me yelling.

Oh, wonderful. That sounds like fun…

I’m now blocked on everything again.

It’s over for good now, and I’m relieved. But I should’ve gotten out way earlier.

Yeah, but you wanted to learn the hard way, so that’s on you, but you know it made you tougher. Next time around, you won’t put up with this kind of shit.

Thanks for reading. Love your work.

Bob

So again, even though it didn’t end the way we wanted it to, you learn from it, and there will be plenty of guys that will watch this video, and they’ll start dating a girl like this and they’ll go, “Yeah, I saw what Bob went through. I’m not going to be a Bob. I’m going to be a Chad Thundercock.”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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