The One That Got Away Still Works With Me, But Has A Boyfriend

What you can do if you hesitated & lost a girl to another guy, but she still shows interest.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a new viewer who has been through 3% Man twice. A girl from work seemed to be showing interest over a couple of months. He finally worked up the nerve to ask her out, but she has a boyfriend. She backed away after, but lately she seems to be showing interest again.

He asks what he can do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who’s new to my work. He’s been through 3% Man twice so far. There was a girl that he works with that seemed to be showing interest over a couple of months, so he finally works up the nerve to ask her out, but she says she has a boyfriend. So he kind of thinks that maybe he waited too long to ask her out, which is totally possible. So she started dating somebody, or it’s also possible that he took so long to ask her out that she formed an opinion of him and just told him that she had a boyfriend as an excuse. He ended up asking her out. Then obviously once she said that she had a boyfriend, he kind of backed off. Then he noticed for a few weeks after that she was a little standoff-ish, kind of kept her distance at times, but now he notices that she seems to be trying to get his attention once again, like she did in the beginning. So he works with her. He’s going to see her all the time. So he’s like, “How do I handle this?”

So the important thing is never to try to encourage behavior where she cheats on her boyfriend, because that’s just sending the vibe out there that you’re OK with women who lie and cheat. At the end of the day, if you are able to get her to cheat on her boyfriend or her husband, if she’s married with you and you get together, well eventually when you slack off, she’ll do the same thing to you. So it’s bad karma and it’s not a good thing to do trying to rip off somebody else’s girlfriend, but things happen. Relationships end, breakups happen. If you’re going to be working with a cute girl who seems to have interest in you, but you know she’s got a boyfriend, it’s a good email on how to handle those situations, because you live long enough, you work in enough places, eventually you’re going to come across a girl who you like and who appears to like you, but oftentimes they’re already taken. So you want to be on good terms and you want to do things that facilitate her staying and remaining attracted to you, maybe even becoming more attracted to you, because if she doesn’t with her boyfriend and breaks up with him, you’ll be one of the first people that she lets you know. If you guys are friendly, maybe you’ve gone out and done company happy hours together or going out as a group and she’s got your number, she may slide into your DMs or send you a text just letting you know that she’s single and seeing what you’re up to. Those things happen too.

So in a case like this, your non-action is going to be attractive. So the vibe you want to think about that you want to give off is, like in this case, he chose to shoot his shot. He she had a boyfriend. So you don’t get mad, you don’t get butt-hurt, but you also don’t want to linger around and make her feel like you’re hanging on her every word or always going up to her. So if you see her across the office and she smiles at you, smile back, wave and then go about your business, because if you keep going up to her and going over to her desk and hanging out and lingering, then you’re kind of giving off the vibe that you’re trying to rip her off from that guy. Plus, it could come off as overbearing and she might not like your advances. So it’s much better if she comes to you. So if you see her, you wave, you smile, then you go about your business. You don’t go over to talk to her. It’s OK if she wants to come over and chit-chat with you, that’s fine. Just ask questions, make her laugh, have a good time and then say, “Hey well, I gotta run,” or “I got to get back to work. Talk to you later,” and then just go about your business and let it be to where she’s always coming up to you.

So the vibe you want to give off and the way you want to behave is, if you were tired of dating or say you were tired of fucking her, maybe she was a friend with benefits and you don’t really want to be with her anymore, but you still work together and you don’t want to make things awkward, what are you going to do? You’re going to be nice. You’re going to be friendly. You’re not going to ask her out. You’re not going to hit on her. You’re not going to do anything to make her think that you like her, because you’re not trying to encourage her to think that she’s still got a chance with you. So it’s like, if you see her across the office, you smile and you wave, but you don’t go over to talk to her or go out of your way to talk to her. You acknowledge her. You’re nice, you’re friendly, but you’re going to go about your business, because at the end of the day, in this case, she’s taken and it actually works to your advantage if you treat her as if you were tired of fucking her, but you still work together. So you got to be nice. You got to be respectful, but you’re not going to go over and linger and make her think that you want her back, or that you want to hang out with her or anything like that. If you were getting laid by somebody else, you would have the vibe and the energy of you have enough feminine energy in your life, so you’re not trying to get more of it. You’re in a non-hungry state and you’re totally indifferent to her being there, her beauty, her interest in you. It just shouldn’t bother you either way.

So with that in mind, let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Good day, Corey!

I’m new to your work and just recently stumbled onto your YouTube channel. I’ve read 3% Man twice and I am working on the third read now.

Well that’s good! Good start.

I like your personality and directness, so I’m posing this question to you.

There’s a girl at work that had been flirting heavily recently, over the last six weeks or so. She would always stop and talk to me in the hallway or if she sees me from a distance, she would smile and wave. Sometimes when I’m sitting in my car on break, she’ll walk by while checking me out.

I think you should just smile, wave back and go about eating your lunch in your car or whatever it is you’re doing, having your smoke.

She even started parking near me. She seemed to enjoy stories about my life and is appreciative of my compliments to her.

Well, I would stop giving her all the compliments because again, these are the kinds of things that if you’re tired of fucking her, and just imagine, obviously you haven’t, but if you were, if that was your reality, you’re not going to sit there and constantly give her compliments that make her think that you’re interested. As a matter of fact, you’re going to stop giving her compliments. If she comes over to you, you’re happy to joke and laugh, maybe tell her some stories about your life, make sure they’re always positive and they make you look masculine and confident. Don’t be telling her all the things that are your idiosyncrasies, your dark secrets, the things you screwed up, the fact that all the girls you’ve dated before have always left you and you never understood why, or you’re always getting friend-zoned. Don’t be saying things like that to her. If you’re going to share something, make it sound like it makes you look confident, positive, masculine and attractive.

I was hesitant to ask her out since we work together and I wanted to avoid any workplace drama if things went south. In the past, I messed with a girl at work and it didn’t work out and got awkward. However, the girl I work with now really started growing on me, so I decided to go for it.

By the time I made my move, she’d gone cold and said she “shouldn’t” go out with me because she had a boyfriend.

Well, she’s got a boyfriend, she’s got a boyfriend. If she tells you that, he could be like, “Oh, I didn’t know. You never mentioned him before. Well hey, you seem like a cool chick. If it doesn’t work out, hit me up. Who knows? Things change. If I’m still available, we can go out on a date,” and just leave it at that. So after that, you don’t ever have to bring it up again.

She was just flirting the week prior, so I figured I waited too long and was mad at myself.

Well, at the end of the day, she had a boyfriend. Now we have to assume that she actually does have a boyfriend and she didn’t just say that because she was trying to to get rid of you when she doesn’t actually have a boyfriend, because a lot of times girls will say that they have a boyfriend when sometimes they don’t just to cause a guy to stop hitting on them.

Let’s assume she’s being real and honest, and she actually does have a boyfriend. So she’s unavailable. She knows you like her. So I would just stop giving her compliments, but like I said in the beginning of the video, smile, wave, say hello. If she comes over to talk to you, joke around, laugh, but don’t go out of your way to talk to her. It’s always better if she’s chasing you.

I simply said OK and left, thinking she was right to not wait on me. Still, it stung me a bit. She started parking away from me and stopped coming down the hallway we used to have talks in.

So that tells me that probably a lot of times in the past, he was stopping, going to her, lingering and having conversations. So he should stop that now because again, she’s got a boyfriend.

Avoiding me.

A few days later, I happened to see her in the hallway and she smiled really big and waved but didn’t stop to talk. A few days after that, I saw her at the water machine and we talked for a bit and she smiled at me. A few days later, she walked past my car and was checking me out again. All this after rejecting me.

Well, it’s quite possible she likes you and she finds you attractive and when she was spending more time noticing you, parking near you, maybe things weren’t looking so good with her boyfriend. So she’s giving you her time and attention, but since then, maybe things have turned around with her boyfriend and he’s doing better. So now she’s more attracted to him. Therefore, she’s going to make less of an effort to engage with you. This is why you should be totally indifferent to it. Either way, as far as you know, she’s taken and therefore she’s not single and ready to mingle, so you should give your time and attention to girls that are.

The week after this, I was in her area talking to another co-worker and decided to chat with her.

So that tells me he probably went over to her. You shouldn’t be going over to her.

I asked how she was and I told her that I was having fun and enjoying life. She was more cold and standoffish than before so I cut the conversation short and ejected.

Yeah, it really sounds like he went over to her.

Again, you should not be doing that. If you are taken, if you are tired of fucking her, you’re not going to go over to her to get her attention. You’re going to actually leave her alone. You’re going to let her down gently, and you’re just going to leave her be, but you’re going to be polite and nice because again, you guys still work together, so you want her to see and feel, “Wow. It sure seems like he was interested in me. Maybe he’s got a girlfriend now. Maybe he’s dating somebody now. He doesn’t really talk to me much anymore. He’s always nice, but he seems a little distant.”

That’s the kind of thing you want her thinking and wondering about because again, if she becomes single and she likes you, she’s gonna, in some way or another, either speak real loud when she’s talking to a co-worker and say that she broke up with her boyfriend if you’re near and you can hear that, or she’ll come right out and tell you that she’s not with her boyfriend anymore. You say, “Well great, we should go out on a date.”

An hour later, I’m coming back from lunch and I spot her in the hallway coming towards me. When she gets sight of me, she freezes and turns around like she’s nervous but eventually decides to come towards me anyway. She stares at me the whole time and I stare back but didn’t speak this time. Just longing looks at each other.

Smile, wave, “Hey, you,” and then go about your business, but don’t stop to talk to her unless she stops you and asks you to talk to her.

I’ve been laying back and giving her the space she created. I hadn’t pursued her anymore, only acknowledging her when I see her in passing aside from the short chat I had with her the other day.

What does all this mean?

Well, it could mean, like I was saying a few minutes ago, that when she seemed to be giving you signs of interest, maybe things were on the rocks with her boyfriend, but since she’s no longer giving you those signs, and since you asked her out, she’s been a little distant. It also could mean that things are going well with the boyfriend presently, but things are apt to change. That’s why in the meantime, continue reading the book, continue dating other women and applying what’s in the book, so if she ever gets freed up and lets you know, you will have cleaned up your game, you have gotten better, you’ll be more confident, you’ll have more swagger, you’ll be more experienced. So if she does let you know down the road that she’s single, then you can hang out, have fun and hook up.

It can be easy and effortless because again, if a girl likes you, she’s going to hang out. She’s going to linger, she’s going to come over, want to know what you’re doing that weekend or if a bunch of you were going from the office to happy hour doing something fun together, it’s just doing things as a group, she’ll just tend to linger, come over and come near you, that kind of thing.

Why is she still showing interest after saying she has a boyfriend?

Probably because in the back of her mind, she doesn’t think in the long term it’s going to work out with the boyfriend. It’s also possible that she’s a liar and a cheater and when she’s not happy, she’ll just cheat on him, but if she cheats on him with you, eventually when she’s not happy with you, she’ll cheat on you with some other dude. So it’s just best to not pursue those things because again, it’s just bad karma. Especially when you work together, you don’t want any problems.

I remember what you said about rejection leading to obsession. I’ve been pursuing other women but it’s hard to stop thinking about the one that “Got away.”

It’s just one chick, dude. You don’t know anything about her. You don’t know if she’s a good person. You don’t know if she’s a loyal and faithful girlfriend. You just don’t know what you don’t know yet. All you know is that you work with a cute girl who seems to show signs that she’s interested and attracted to you, but she’s taken. So that’s why, as a man, you have to exercise self-control and give your time and attention to women who are single and ready to mingle. Otherwise, if you stay engaged with a girl like this, you can waste months and even years of your life being friends with them and not getting anywhere, and it’s one way that people who are trying to avoid a relationship stay out of relationships by staying hung up on people that are unavailable.

Can you explain her behavior and what I should do if I still want a crack at her?

Thanks Corey!

Bob

Well again, if she gets freed up and she gets single and she really does like you, she’ll hint or she’ll let you know that she’s single. Like I said, again all throughout the video, I was telling you what to do. So this is a pretty easy situation, but it’s kind of like playing poker or a game of chicken. He who speaks first loses.

Again, if you’re tired of fucking her, even though you haven’t, but just imagine that at one time you guys were hooking up a lot and now you became bored and decided you didn’t want to see her anymore, yet you work together and you don’t want to cause any problems or any drama at the office, you’re going to be nice, you’re going to be friendly, you’ll wave to her, you’ll say hello, you’re happy to chat if she comes over to you, but you’re not going to compliment her. You’re not going to do anything to make her think that you’re still into her romantically. As if you’ve just completely moved on. If you were taken and you were with another girl, you’re just not going to do these things anyways because you should be loyal and faithful to whoever you’re with.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.