The Phone Is For Setting Dates. Not Cracking Jokes Or Getting To Know Her

Why you should only use the phone for setting dates instead of trying to be a comedian.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who made the mistake of trying to be a comedian through text with a woman he’d been on a few dates with and hooked up. He started trying to be funny and send memes, then left her hanging for a few days while in the process of trying to set the next date.

Eventually she canceled and told him she wasn’t really interested. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

You’re not there to entertain her through the phone or through text. You’re simply using that as a communication device to arrange get-togethers. The more a guy tries to be humorous, playful and crack jokes, especially with somebody he just met that doesn’t know his sense of humor, more often than not, your jokes, not only are they not going to land, she can often take that as you trying to insult her. So it’s better to just keep it to the logistics because it keeps her from expecting you to be available 24/7, and it minimizes the chance that you’re going to say or do something stupid while trying to be funny that turns her off and causes her to ghost you.

In this particular email, this guy made the mistake of trying to be a comedian through text. He’d been on a few dates with this girl and hooked up, and so he decided, I guess he was in the process of trying to set the next date and he decided to just let it be for several days. So I guess four or five days went by and then he tried to re-engage to set a date, and then it kind of spiraled out of control and went sideways after that. So this guy read my book a few years ago, but he got some success. Then, like a lot of guys got lazy, never went back to it. Then he started to date this particular girl, went well at first, but then it went sideways. So it’s just a good example of what not to do. This can save guys a lot of pain and a lot of mistakes.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

Hope you’re well, man.

I found your stuff a few years back after getting dumped by my first girlfriend. I stupidly fell off after emotionally recovering, but must’ve started applying some fundamentals correctly as I started seeing more success with women while trying less and focusing on myself more.

Well, it’s pretty common in human consciousness. People say, “Well, I met my significant other when I wasn’t really looking. I wasn’t really trying. It just kind of happened.” In other words, you’re in a non-hungry state, not trying to make anything happen. You meet somebody, there’s chemistry, there’s attraction, and it naturally unfolds like a movie, like it should. As long as you don’t talk her out of it, which unfortunately it looks like what happened here.

Fast forward — I’m 24 now and recently went on a few dates with a 22-year-old. The dates went well, we hooked up a couple times, and things seemed to be progressing. After date three, we started texting more. Then she flaked on date four the night before, apologized, I played it cool, told her to hit me up when she’s free.

So two things are important to understand about that: If a girl cancels a date and is really busy and still wants to see you, she’ll mention a reschedule. If she’s just blowing you off because she doesn’t really care, her interest is low. Maybe an ex came back in the picture. Maybe Chad Thundercock rode through town. She’ll cancel the date and her tone will be flat and she won’t mention anything about rescheduling. She’ll just tell you how really sorry she is, “Don’t hate me.” She’ll say things like that.

A few days later she reengaged, flirty again, followed me on Instagram and double-texted into a Monday morning asking to hang that week.

So you could tell he’s texting her throughout the day and throughout the weekend instead of just making a date and then getting off the phone, but he went to the book once years ago, never went back. So he clearly didn’t go through it enough to learn. He did go through it enough to clean up his game somewhat to get a few dates, but you can see he’s just kind of reverting back to the same behavior that he used to display before not realizing what he’s doing is unattractive and he’s shooting himself in the foot unnecessarily.

We went back and forth on a Monday, our schedule’s didn’t align that week, so we settled on “next Sunday.”

Remember, you’re supposed to make a definite date. Definite date, definite time, definite place to get together. Not just say, “Oh, next Sunday,” there’s no time, there’s no place. That’s not a definite date. That’s a maybe. That’s leaving things up in the air. The more you do that, especially the lower the woman’s interest, the more you’re going to get jerked around. If you don’t value your time, if you don’t respect yourself or your time, nobody else will either.

I wanted to manage space and avoid over-texting which caused me failure with women in the past…

So he knows he’s doing the same thing he always did in the past that screwed things up.

…So I left it for a few days…

In other words, it sounds like he just left her on read, stopped engaging, didn’t follow through on making the date, and you’ll see this is important later on. You don’t just ignore a girl for four or five days thinking, “Oh, that’ll make her like me more.” It’s rude and it shows you don’t really care. Especially with somebody you’re already sleeping with. That’s just stupid.

Again, the phone is for setting dates. Definite date, definite time, definite place to get together. Then you say, “Hey, great! I look forward to seeing you then,” but he didn’t do that. He just thought, “I’ll leave her hanging for a few days. She’ll like me more, she’ll be more enthusiastic, and then I’ll re-engage.”

…Just sent a meme on Instagram that Friday. She responded positively.

Again, the phone is for setting dates, not trying to make her laugh, not trying to get her attention, not trying to make her laugh, not trying to get to know her.

When I texted Sunday to confirm…

Well again, you shouldn’t be making dates that are maybe dates.

…Turned out she thought I meant the following Sunday…

Of course she did.

So this is what happens. You left her hanging for several days. You had a maybe date, an up-in-the-air date. You didn’t nail things down, which is very sloppy. Again, this is what happens when you don’t read the book and learn it. You make unnecessary mistakes. The stuff is laid out for you, what to do and why you do it, because it says this is what happens.

…And she couldn’t hang because she was recovering from surgery. I liked her message and noticed she unfollowed me on Instagram shortly after.

Oh, she was pissed. Not happy.

So that’s pretty much the end of it there. He hooked up with her a few times now. More than likely, I’m assuming he probably met her on an online dating app. So women have all the leverage there. It’s so easy to replace the guy that you’ve only been out with a few times. It’s just not a big deal, because girls know that if you piss them off for whatever reason or they get upset, there’s a dozen other dudes they can go out with, and when they have that much attention, they’re looking for a reason to disqualify you and kick you to the curb, and he gave her one obviously.

That’s when I started overthinking and probably mishandled things.

Well at this point, the damage is already done. She’s unfollowed you on Instagram. That shows her interest is going the wrong way. Leaving her hanging for several days before you re-engage was a mistake. Making a maybe date was a mistake because you’re not being real clear in your intent. You’re kind of acting like a chick because that’s what women tend to do.

Later that day, I sent a short voice text (Done before, not the first one, she was into it) saying, “Hey, my bad, thought you meant today. Should be around next Sunday. Hope all’s good with the surgery.” She liked it, and we didn’t talk for a week.

Again, that’s not a definite date, “Oh, I should be around next Sunday.”

Then, trying to test her temperature, I sent a joke I thought she’d laugh at the following weekend. Left on delivered for five days, then replied dry.

So she didn’t respond for five days, dishing it back to him, because I think that’s about the time frame that he left her hanging. So now she’s just doing it back to him. Again, this is not what the book teaches. You should respond within 24 hours. Anything longer than that just communicates you don’t give a shit, and you shouldn’t be communicating that you don’t give a shit when you do, because as you’ll see, he torpedoes the whole thing.

A couple days later, I texted to clear the air…

Well again, the phone is for setting dates, not texting to clear the air.

…Asked to hang and added, “By the way, not sure if something came across wrong, but just making it clear that I want to see you again.”

Dude, she knows.

She responded, “I had work all day sorry. I’m not usually free on weekends anymore but I’m trying to get Sundays off.” I said, “All good, play it by ear.”

Again, more vagueness. No certainty.

Should’ve left it there, but I texted her a few days later for normal conversation since she was slightly warmer to me showing more interest (Didn’t leave me on read for five days).

Again, the phone is for setting dates, not having conversations and getting to know somebody. All of these messages and this texting back and forth is a complete fucking waste of time. It’s pointless.

We texted that day, then I stupidly sent her an 8-Ball iMessage game the next day. Thought the vibes were where they needed to be.

So now he’s sending her video games that I assume you can play on your iPhone.

They were not! Got no response all weekend, then on Monday night, “I’m really not interested, sorry.”

She’s out. When she unfollowed him on Instagram, she was over it, and the fact that he was just vague and non-committal and leaving things up in the air. He just completely crashed and burned.

My gut said the entire time, the quick Instagram unfollow, sudden distance, was it that long gap in communication after we made plans?

Well, you didn’t really make plans. It sounds like you just left middle of the conversation, figuring, “Oh, if she doesn’t hear from me for a few days and I leave her on read, that’ll make her like me more,” and it clearly pissed her off because it’s rude. You’re in the process of making a date. You talk about Sunday, but you don’t make definite time, definite place to get together. You’re going to pick her up. You’re going to meet her there. You didn’t do any of that. He just being vague, not direct, not decisive at all. The exact opposite of the book. The book tells you to not do what this guy’s doing.

I kept asking myself, “Was sending just one meme after four days and then mistakenly hitting her up on the wrong Sunday really too much? Or was she frustrated that I didn’t show more care about her surgery or didn’t text that week?”

Well, you’re in the process of making a date and you just kind of left it up in the air. You kind of talked about and you mentioned Sunday, but didn’t really nail it down. Then it looks like you left the conversation, as you said, you left it for a few days and you did it on purpose thinking, “Oh, it’ll make her like me more.” Clearly that blew up in your face.

I replied with a voice message saying, “Thanks for letting me know. Just so you know, if this had anything to do with a lack of communication on my end, I never meant to make you feel like I wasn’t interested.” She responded, “I just didn’t really appreciate the lack of communication, that’s all. Best of luck.”

So it clearly pissed her off when he stopped replying in the middle of trying to set a date, and that’s all it took for her. Despite the fact you’d hooked up, none of that mattered. The only thing that matters is how she feels about you, and she no longer felt good about you.

This is the first time I’ve lost a girl from showing too little interest instead of too much. Of course, could be another guy, could’ve gotten bored, etc., but it felt like she was upset that Sunday and from then on. Torn if I should’ve addressed it directly instead of trying to poke around here and there with jokes and games afterward.

Well again, as the book says, the phone is for setting dates, not sending memes, trying to be cute and funny. You’re not there to be an entertainer. You’re there to make dates and then get off the phone, and you didn’t do that.

She could’ve spoken up too, but maybe she just wasn’t that invested.

Well, it’s true she wasn’t that invested, but she was open to seeing you, but when you left the conversation in the process of trying to set a date, and then you re-engage four or five days later with a meme, I mean, she came right out and said it was rude, basically. That’s why you should reply within 24 hours. When you wait five days, that’s why she made you wait five days to reply to you. She was purposely doing it to give you the big hairy middle finger because she took it as that you were doing it on purpose, which obviously you clearly were.

Should mention, this was my last text a couple of hours after she said she didn’t appreciate the lack of communication, best of luck:

“Tough to hear because I thought so weeks ago and decided it’d be better to wait around and send you jokes and games like an idiot instead of addressing. Completely understand, should’ve communicated clearly like an adult up front.”

I can’t believe you thought it was a good idea to send this text.

“Enjoyed getting to know you, if you ever want to reconnect you know how to get me. All the best moving forward.”

Would love your thoughts or advice on how I could’ve handled this better.

Thanks,

Bob

Well number one, read the book. It’s free to read in the Members Area of my website. Just subscribe to the email newsletter, put your name, your email address and create a password and the book will open up right in your web browser.

So part of what happened here is you read the book once years ago and it improved his results, but as he said, he didn’t really take it seriously, didn’t go back to it. Now after the fact, he burned this, what looked like a pretty good lead here. It’s like he did good in the first couple of dates. He was direct, he was decisive, he got to the point, he made dates, they hung out, they had fun and they hooked up. Then after that, he thinks it’s his job to be her entertainer and comic relief, sending memes, other things and leave her hanging in the middle of it, having unnecessary conversations through text, trying to get to know her, trying to be funny. Clearly stuff didn’t land and he talked. Well basically, in this case, he texted her out of liking, dating and sleeping with him because he didn’t know the book and he was just really sloppy.

You could tell his first two dates obviously went well, but as soon as he started using the phone, trying to get to know her, and then left her hanging for five days, she gave it back to him. It’s just it’s a bad way to go, man. It’s a completely avoidable mistake, but I appreciate you sending in the email because other guys will read that and it will help them not do what you did so they don’t blow it with the girl that they’re trying to date.

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