The Phone Is For Setting Dates. Not Getting To Know Someone

Why you should only use the phone for setting dates & not getting to know someone or you risk rejection.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 22-year-old viewer who admits he didn’t spend enough time learning and practicing what’s in 3% Man. He recently met a girl online and things started off well. She started calling and he made the mistake of having hours long phone conversations before their next scheduled date. Then she canceled a date at the last minute and blew him off when she mentioned rescheduling and he asked when she was available.

He asks if no contact and walking away could help. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

In this email, obviously this guy did not follow instructions. He actually says he had a phone session with me back in March of this year, so we’re eight months beyond that.

He met a new girl, started started dating her and he admits he didn’t spend enough time with 3% Man. The idea is you want to be reading the book and you want to be applying it, because what you need to see is that what’s in the book works and shows up in the real world. Where guys get themselves into trouble is they may read the book a bunch and they’re not really dating or not really active. Then many months or a year or two goes by and then out of the blue, they meet somebody when they’re not even focused on it, and since they haven’t been through the book in a long time, they’ve forgotten a lot of it and they think they got it. Then once they start dating, and as you’ll see here, this guy violates principles that are some of the most basic ones that are in the book.

So he starts dating this girl, had a couple of good dates and then he sets, I think it’s the third date, if I’m not mistaken, sets the third date up in the future. Then she calls or FaceTimes and they have spent several hours on the phone and the next day she calls. They spend several hours on the phone again. I mean, if she’s going to FaceTime you, especially if it’s at night when anytime it’s like after 9:00 at night and the girl’s FaceTiming you or texting you like, “Hey, what are you doing?” You just say, “Come over.” It doesn’t have to be an official date. If she’s reaching out, you assume she wants to see you because that’s right in the book. So you make a date. Doesn’t have to be anything official. If she’s calling you at night and she’s talking for a while, you say, “Hey, what are you doing now?” She’s like, “Well, I’m just talking to you.” Then be like, “Well, why don’t you come over? Get your cute little ass over here and let’s hang out, pop a movie in or let’s open a bottle of wine and continue this conversation in person. I want to see your face.” Just like that. Nine times out of 10, when I go through this email, it’s like man, this is like the way my 20s and my early 30s were when I really didn’t know any better. Is that you think, “Oh, I got to get to know this girl. I want her to feel comfortable.” So you start spending all this time talking on the phone, and then when your date comes the day of, she ends up canceling for some BS reason, which is what ends up happening with this particular guy.

The idea is phones for setting dates, because if you try to get to know somebody through the phone, especially if you’re cracking jokes, you can’t really see your face, you can’t see your body language, unless of course you’re doing FaceTime, but if you’re just chit chatting on the phone or you’re doing a lot of texting back and forth, especially if you’re trying to crack jokes over text, nine times out of 10, she doesn’t know you, doesn’t get your sense of humor, you’re going to say things that are going to turn her off instead of turn her on. So it ruins all the mystery, especially in the beginning, because what ends up happening is you spend so much time talking on the phone that you end up talking her out of liking you, and that’s basically what’s happened here. Again, he hasn’t been through the book in a while. It’s not really fresh in his mind. He’s violating the principle by being on the phone, she’s probably asking him questions and he’s saying things that are really unattractive and he doesn’t realize it.

I say this often: Whatever you observe, you participate in. If you’re not reading the book, practicing it and seeing the patterns that are described in the book in the real world around you and you’re only consuming traditional TV and movies, whether you realize it or not, you’re getting brainwashed into being emotionally anchored to dysfunctional archetypes, dysfunctional unnatural ways of being and acting. You get around a woman, whether you realize it or not, you’ve been kind of hypnotized and brainwashed into behaving in really unattractive ways. So in this case, this guy talked this girl right out of liking him when things had started off pretty good, so that’s all on him.

I’m 54 now, and I went through a lot of mistakes when I was younger, and now I’ve been doing this for 20 years, and I mean 1,000 years from now, the stuff that’s in my book is still going to apply. The communication methods may change, but at the end of the day, what creates attraction creates attraction. It was the same 100 years ago. It’ll be the same 100 or 1,000 years from now. So if you want to attract and keep women attracted, you got to act and behave in ways that are attractive. If you’re not reading through the book and you’re not practicing it, you’re not really undoing the negative programming that you don’t even realize that you have. Especially in this guy’s case, he read the book a bunch, and it’s been a long time since he went through it. So when he actually starts dating somebody that he likes, what has he been consuming more of, the book, or watching TV and movies? Well, obviously it’s TV and movies.

Again, whatever you spend, whatever you do, often you do best. So if you’re doing propaganda most often, well that’s what you do best, but unfortunately it’s going to cause you to repulse women. So this is a really good email to learn from, especially guys that may be kind of new to my work, because this is exactly what you don’t want to do, because it stings when you meet a girl and you really like her. I mean, how often does that happen? It’s not very often where you click and then a few weeks go by, or a month or so goes by and you screw it up, and then because you’re in pain, you come back to the book and you’re like, “Oh, I wish I had read this sooner. Ah damn, I wouldn’t have made that mistake if I’d been reading the book.” It hurts and it stings and when you’re in pain, that’s typically what causes you to go, “You know what? I really should listen to that shaved head dude on YouTube and read his book 10 to 15 times.” Most importantly, you got to practice it while you’re reading it.

I sometimes talk to guys who have been following me for several years. I was talking to one the other night. “Oh yeah, I read your book 15 times, but that was like four or five years ago”, and he hasn’t been back to it since. About a year or so ago, he started dating a woman, and he hadn’t really dated much in several years because he was focused on his business, his mission, his purpose. That’s the way life works. He ran into this girl, met her, they clicked, things started off hot and heavy, but since he hadn’t been through the book in years and really hadn’t practiced it, he’d forgotten most of it. Then he went back to making all the same mistakes because again, the only thing that he’s consuming is traditional TV and movies and, in essence, brainwashing himself to act in really unattractive ways without even realizing it.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

My name is Bob. I’m 22 and had a phone session in March after my first relationship of five years ended. Since then I’ve been dating around but not finding anyone whose quality is up to my standards. I put dating on the pause with my business picking up. I put dating and your book down. I forgot some key elements of the material. 

A few weeks ago, a beautiful girl liked me on a dating app. First date went great. Ton of things in common, including the exact same birthday. We hit it off instantly. Barely even ate our food due to the conversation flowing so well we left the restaurant, grabbed some tea, and hung out in the park. The night ended with us violently making out in the parking lot. 

Violently. Is that a good kind of violently? I assume he means passionately. They were all over each other, trying to inhale each other’s face, basically.

She texted me an hour after saying, “Thank you for everything tonight. I hope you made it home safe.”

The following morning I responded, “You’re welcome,” and a picture of a plaque that had a good quote about life I told her I would send her the previous night. She responded, “That’s beautiful.”

I know you guys love my girl voice.

Later that night, she FaceTimed inviting me over to her place for her to make dinner and watch a movie, an offer I couldn’t refuse.

Well, she’s inviting you over. It’s her idea. Probably down to, “bow-chika wow-wow.”

The night I went over to her apartment, good conversation flowed, and she made a delicious dinner. We ended up on the couch and started making and heavy petting, which turned into a two-hour long battle of two steps forward and one step back, but ultimately I couldn’t get her to go all the way to the indoor Olympics, and I had to leave due to the pain of my blue balls being excruciating at this point.

Well, that’s too bad.

I told her, “It’s late. I’ve got to get going.” She looked at me disappointed, and we said goodbye. 

Well, if you’re hanging out and it’s late, oftentimes what you can do is you can just fall asleep on the couch or you fall asleep in bed. Maybe you’re half naked. Sometimes that’s all it takes. Sometimes when you realize you’re not going to get laid and you’re like, “Well, it’s getting late. I got to go,” then you up and leave, it often can leave her thinking, “Oh, he just wants a sex.” If you’re kind of indifferent to it, if she’s stopping you, it’s getting late at night, you’re tired and you’re like, “Hey, let’s turn out the lights and go to bed. It’d be nice to wake up with you in my arms,” and she’s like, “Oh, you’re sweet,” and then you go to sleep.

Typically my experience is, it’s like you’re letting go. You’re OK with stopping things moving forward. Then what you’ll hear is, and you kind of can see in the dark that she’s taking her panties off. Then she rolls over and then you take your pants off, obviously hopefully you have a raincoat handy. You slide one in and you slide into her. Sometimes that’s all it takes. If you just up and leave, you’re basically tapping out and going, “I’m giving up,” because that’s what you see with her disappointed look. She probably wanted him to stay and he’s like, “Well, I guess I’m not getting laid tonight, so I’m out of here.” If he had just been cool with it either way, and he liked hanging out with her and he’s like, “Man, it’s late. I’m tired. I’ll just crash here and I’ll get up early and go to work,” or whatever from her place, because maybe in the morning when you got morning wood, “Good morning,” you poke her in the back, she’s like, “Ooh I kind of like that.” Maybe she grabs you, starts guiding you to the Promised land. Takes you by the pork sword, slides it in.

I personally, if you really like the girl, I wouldn’t have tapped out and gone home, because like he said, he’s got blue balls. So he may have left and kind of given her the attitude that he was a little irritated and pissed off that she wouldn’t let him have his way with her, but sometimes just saying, “Hey, let’s let’s go to bed,” turn out the lights and just laying there, she might get a little frisky again, and then she might be the one to take it forward. So that’s what I would personally done. That usually works pretty well because when you just abruptly get up like that, “Well, I’m going to go home,” because you’re pissed off about your blue balls, she can sense you’re kind of irritated and that you’re frustrated, but if you’re indifferent, if you can take it or leave it and you’re like, “Oh, I’m tired. Let’s go to sleep,” you’re just cuddling, you see what pops up. I mean, that’s happened many, many times. It’s a nice way to do it. Then you don’t make her feel like you’re pissed off and you’re just leaving because you didn’t get to beat up her pelvis and give her the hot beef injection.

I waited four days before calling. I set up the next date. I set a definite date for Thursday at six. Tuesday night, she FaceTimed.

“Hey cutie, what are you doing?” “Oh, was thinking about you.” It’s like, “Why don’t you come over?” She’s on Tuesday night FaceTiming you, might have been ready for a booty call. That’s what I would have done, but if you haven’t read the book a bunch, you haven’t practiced it, you just miss the subtle cues because he’s thinking, “I have a date. Thursday, 6 p.m. I must not invite her over.” Like, she’s FaceTiming you at night. Probably in the back of her mind, she’s thinking booty call, but women don’t ask you. They don’t go, “Hey, I’m ready to have sex.” They go, “Hey, what are you doing?” So what does he do?

This is where being rusty with the material hurt me. We talked on the phone for an hour before I told her I had to get going.

I would have just said, “Hey, come over. Come hang out. Come have a glass of wine with me. Hey, come over. Let’s have some coffee. Hey, come over. Let’s grill out. Hey, come over. Let’s go in the jacuzzi. Hey, come over. Let’s play with lawn darts.” Lawn darts are banned. They were banned in the 70s. We had them growing up. “Let’s play some darts. Let’s play some pocket pool. Let’s play some pinball. Let’s play some video games. Whatever. Come hang out. I want to see you.”

Don’t talk on the phone. The phone is for setting dates. If she’s FaceTiming you, she wants to see you and just say, “Hey, come over. I don’t want to sit on fucking FaceTime for two hours. I don’t even like doing that with my family. Come over. Get your ass over. Are you coming over? What are you doing? Bring some wine. Bring some soup. Bring me some spaghetti and meatballs.” Whatever, just invite her over if she’s FaceTiming you at night like that. Assume she wants to see you, but he’s like, “I have a date set up. I can’t do more than one date.”

The idea with the one date per week is you’re creating the conditions where you’re just taking measured steps, where you’re initiating one date per week, and as her interest goes up, she’s going to start calling you or texting you more. In this case, she FaceTimed him. So in that case, after you almost hooked up the other night and she’s FaceTiming you Tuesday night, that shows that there’s closeness there. If it’s a night, you should assume she’s probably thinking booty call. You’re like, “Hey, what are you doing? Hey, cutie, you look hot. Why don’t you come over? Just come over. Oh, I got this. Just come over. Get your cute little ass over here. Text me your address. I’ll put the wine on ice. It’ll be nice and cold when you get here. Bring some chocolates for us.”

Wednesday night I made the same mistake.

So he spent a bunch of hours talking on the phone instead of just saying, “Come over.” You missed it. This is so easy. This is like a silver platter, “Here, you can have my pussy. Whoa! Oh, shit. It’s all over the floor now, damn it!” Yeah, fumbled the football right on the one yard line. It’s like you see it every season, whether it’s college or the NFL. Some dude he’s like, way in front of the defender, and right as he’s about to cross the goal line, he drops the ball trying to look cool, but he ends up dropping the ball before the ball crosses the plane of the goal line and it’s a fumble and it goes to the other team. It’s like a touch-back. Like, come on man. You fumbled the football. It was right there. Even Wednesday night, he probably could have just said it, but he’s like, “I have a date Thursday. I must be official. Go pick her up.” Don’t be a robot.

Thursday came around, an hour before I get a text, “Hey, can we reschedule for another day?” Which led to the text exchange linked below, in which you can see how cold her behavior turned. 

So it’s pretty rude. I would have said, “Why? What are you doing?” Let’s go through his text exchange. So she asked to reschedule for another day:

Bob: “Sure. You good?”

Jessica: “Yea I’m sorry. When I went to my second interview today, they said I was hired and asked me if I was free for a little bit longer and a little longer was until about 20 minutes ago when I just got out.”

So this is like at 6:39 p.m. this particular text. Keep in mind, she’s supposed to be there at six. I can’t see the time, but it sounds like he waited to text her because he was probably stewing, he’s like, “Ah, she’s canceling a date on me. Damn it!” Remember, they’re supposed to have a date, so she’s texting him back at 6:39 p.m., and he waits four hours and 10 minutes to respond to her at 10:49 p.m. Remember, they were supposed to have a date that night. So if you look at that, you go, “He’s doing that on purpose. He’s purposely waiting four hours,” which kind of communicates, “Up yours, woman.” Shows he’s a little butt hurt, a little upset with her.

Bob: “Congratulations on landing the job. Hopefully that will keep you off Feet Finder instead of D&B…”

What is D&B? Dun and Bradstreet, maybe? I don’t know what that means. I’m going to read this exactly the way it is, because the way it’s worded is like, what?

Bob: “… You cook some spaghetti and we’ll watch a movie.”

So that’s Thursday at 10:49 p.m. She waits to respond until Friday at 11:48 a.m.

Jessica: “Thank you. And yes, we can.”

So he waits until 1:54 p.m. on Friday and says:

Bob: “What day are you free?”

Jessica: “Yea, never mind.”

Bob: “Ha, ha.”

He hasn’t spoken to her, I don’t think.

Let’s get back into the email. So you can tell he’s kind of upset.

I figured she disrespected my time by canceling.

Well, your game was sloppy, dude. He talked her out of liking and sleeping with you when she’s FaceTiming you Tuesday night. I would have been like, “Oh, she was ready for a booty call.”

You got to understand, it’s like the ebb and flow. You’re getting all like, “Ugh, she didn’t have sex when I was ready! Ugh, I’ll show her!” You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. She can take it, she can leave it. The first mistake was just upping and leaving because he’s leaving in a huff, he’s pissed off so she could probably tell. Instead, if it’s late at night, I would just laid there and cuddled and, “Hey, turn out the light. Let’s go to sleep. I want to wake up with you in my arms.” You say something sweet like that and she can go, “Oh no, I got to get up early. You’re gonna have to go.” She can kick you out or whatever. More than likely when you’re at that point, you’re mostly naked in her bed, just turn out the lights and go to sleep and more than likely, after you lay there and you’re about to start to go to sleep, you’ll kind of see the shadow of her getting her hips up and taking off her panties.

That is typically what happens. It’s like you could take it or leave it. You’re not irritated, you’re not butt-hurt, you’re not perturbed in any way, but he’s communicating his butt-hurt and perturbed, and the only guy that would communicate their butt-hurt and perturbed is a guy who’s not used to getting what he wants. In other words, he’s been in this situation with other women before and other women rejected him. Like they just pick up on it. It’s like a radar. It’s like, “Boop, boop, boop!”

I wasn’t going to waste money on her…

He’s mad. “I didn’t get any pussy, Corey. I’m not spending another dime on her until she gives it up.”

…So I changed the terms of the date to her cooking dinner at her place instead of a night out.

So again, look at what he said in his text: “Congratulations on landing the job. Hopefully that will keep you off Feet Finder instead of D&B. You cook some spaghetti and we’ll watch a movie.” “Do as you’re told, woman!” Just not phrased very well. It’s not very diplomatic

I don’t plan on reaching out again. Besides the huge mistake of staying on the phone too long, did I make a mistake the way I handled her cancellation?

Yes. You sounded butt-hurt, and the text kind of didn’t really make much sense. The fact you waited for hours after she was asking to reschedule to respond back? That looks like you did it on purpose, because probably you were pissed off. So she can kind of tell you get angry and you get upset with her.

Man, Tuesday night and she FaceTimed you, I would be like, “Hey you! You look cute. I like that outfit on you. What are you doing?” Oh, I’m just calling you.” It’s like, “Well, come over. What are you doing? Here’s my address. Get your ass over here. Bring me some soup. Bring us some wine. Bring us some chicken breasts. I’ll grill them out. We’ll do blackened chicken breasts.” Amazing!

Do you think walking away is the right move in this situation?

Yes. I mean, she basically, “Yea, never mind.” She blew you off. She cancelled. You tried to reschedule and she’s just, Yea, never mind.” So I would assume she’s like, “Ehh, he’s out,” and you probably won’t hear from her again.

I wouldn’t reach out for any reason because she already blew you off because her interest was low. So you talked her out of liking you. It’s like T-ball. The ball is right there, and all you have to do was fucking hit it and knock it out of the park. She FaceTimed you on Tuesday, probably ready to pick up where she left off. That’s why, even though you have a date set up for Thursday, she’s FaceTiming you Tuesday night, I would have just said, “Hey, come over.” That’s what I would have done.

What would you have done differently? 

I would have done that.

Hopefully this makes it to a video, as always. Thanks Corey, for your advice. 

Bob

Well, you’re welcome.

This is why you read the book 10 to 15 times, and you should keep reading it until you really master it. Then once you’ve got it, then at least once or twice a year, you should go back through it. Remember, whatever you observe, you participate in. If you’re only consuming traditional TV and movies, it’s going to slowly over many months and years, put you back to sleep, and then you’ll start making the same mistakes that you used to make that you thought you were done with. So it’s a bad way to go. You got to read the book. You got to stay present with the information. What you do often you do best.

If you guys haven’t already signed up for our paying Members Only content, in the video description of this video, there are links where you can join on YouTube, you can join on Spotify, or you can join on our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab. Once you get to the website, and you can do a 7-day free trial and choose a monthly plan or an annual plan, so you can check out and see what kind of content you get for your money before you pay any money. Then if you choose an annual plan, you get a 25% discount for paying the whole year up front.

What you’ll get is five additional paid members only video coaching newsletter similar to this one per week. You get the weekly 3% Man Study Group podcast, the weekly Mastering Yourself Study Group podcast, where I go through page-by-page in both the books. We answer viewer questions in the books and specific passages that people have. I discuss it with the girls and Chunky. So the idea is like an ongoing weekly class that just to really help you guys learn the material that’s in the book. Plus we have other special videos and interviews that we do. At this point, there’s hundreds of Members Only videos on the website, on YouTube Members Only and Spotify. So whatever platform you subscribe is where you’re going to consume the content. If you subscribe on YouTube, you won’t be able to read the content on my website. If you subscribe on Spotify, you won’t be able to read YouTube. They’re not connected. So we would appreciate it if you would join on the website. Plus with the website, we can give you the 7-day free trial so you can check out what you get for your money.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.