How to tell if the man you are dating and sleeping with is a player who will never settle down and is only interested in sex and hooking up, versus if he is a potential Mr. Right, and therefore husband and marriage material if you are a woman who is looking for a long term, committed, monogamous relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who has been following what I teach in order to help her attract a man she’d like to have a relationship with. They’ve been dating for about seven months, and he initially told her when she asked him if he had a girlfriend, that he was dating. The problem that she has with him is that he flirts with every woman in the office. Initially, she had a problem with this, but she has noticed that he tends to flirt with women, young and old, wherever he goes.
She says she tends to drop whatever she’s doing to be with him. The real problem she is having with this guy is that she is projecting her dating fantasy onto him and ignoring the fact he’s only a player and not a potential Mr. Right. She wants to know what she can do to create a deeper emotional connection with him and, in essence, get this guy all to herself. The reality is, it’s simply not going to happen with this particular man because what she’s looking for, and what he’s capable of offering, are simply not aligned.
I am a 44-year old female, I have been listening to your videos for over five months now, and I read your book “How to be a 3% Man” twice. Even though I am a woman, I follow the tips that you suggest to men, and use it in my “relationship,” If that’s what you want to call it. I have been dating a 40-year old male coworker for seven months now, and at the very beginning when I asked him if he had a girlfriend, he said he was “dating.” Apparently, that was his signal to me that he was not ready to be exclusive.
My problem is that he flirts with every woman in the office. At first I was bothered by it, but I noticed that he flirts with older women, married women and unattractive women, so I don’t take it to heart as much anymore. However, my boss moved me into an office next to an attractive woman who I can’t stand, and I can hear everything that goes on in her office. (It sounds like you are jealous.) The man that I am having sex with apparently has been having sex with her too, because I can hear her laughing on the phone with him all day and setting up dates with her on the weekend. (This guy is an equal opportunity seducer. He’s not ready to settle down.) One time, she had to turn him down for sex because she had to pick up her daughter, and two minutes later, he texted me to come over his house. (I guess you were the backup.) I took him up on his offer, and we had the most amazing sex ever. (On some level, you are hoping to have him all to yourself.) He is always asking me for mostly oral sex and regular sex, and I frequently drop whatever I am doing to be with him. (Does it make sense to drop everything to be with a man who’s hooking up with somebody else? Would you rather be someone’s option, or their priority?) It is very hard for me to let my guard down emotionally because I don’t want to get hurt, and I am guarded by nature. He does have a lot of good qualities, and he could potentially be marriage material if I don’t blow it by acting angry and jealous all the time when I see and hear them flirting with each other. (I’d say, if you’re not exclusive after seven months and he’s fucking somebody else from your office, he’s not marriage material. He’s a player. He’s treating you like a fuck buddy, and you should treat him the same way and continue meeting other men. You shouldn’t fall in love with his potential.)
I want to know, what is the difference between being a player, and a man’s right to date several women until he finds Mrs. Right? (Look at his actions. Do you really want to marry a man who’s a flirt and loves women?) Daily, he goes into her office to talk to her knowing that I can hear everything that is going on in her office. Should I get up and leave when I see him go in there, or should I pretend that I don’t care and grin and bear the mental torture that I am experiencing hearing them flirt with each other? (You could let him know you are looking to be exclusive and will continue dating other men until you find a man you can settle down with. He can’t offer you what you’re really looking for.) They can see when I leave my office, and I don’t want him to think that I am insanely jealous, which I really am. In your newsletters, you say that you should love in such a way that the person feels free, but what is the difference between letting a man be free, and a man disrespecting you by flirting with women right in front of you? (It doesn’t sound like you gave him any indication you were looking to be exclusive. He has an open relationship with you and the girl next door.) Should I be less available? As the woman, should I let him know that it bothers me that he wants to date other women and ask him for a commitment, or should I wait for him to bring up commitment? (You need to keep looking.) I would have thought by now that he would have been in love with me by practicing what you say in your book, but what am I doing wrong? (You’re involved with a guy who doesn’t share the same goals and values as you.) How can I get more of an emotional connection with him like he has with the other coworker? (It sounds like he has more chemistry with her than he does with you. It’s either there or it’s not. Out of self love and self respect, you should keep searching for someone you have great chemistry with.)
Today I was so angry when I heard him flirting with each other, that when I noticed later on today that he was trying to get my attention and make eye contact with me, I completely ignored him and he walked away. I don’t like to do things like that, but I am really hurt. I am falling madly in love with him and would love to be his wife one day. (How much value do you place on yourself to delude yourself into thinking you would like to be his wife someday, when he has more chemistry with the girl next to you?) Corey, how do I make it happen to make him choose me instead of her? (This is not about this guy, but about you staying focused on your goals and values and what you want in a relationship. This guy is a great fuck buddy and nothing more. You want someone who can be a great husband for you, and it’s not here. You can’t force it. Out of self love and self respect, you need to keep circulating and searching.)
Thank you so much for your time Corey. You are an amazing coach!
My response to her:
Your biggest problem is that you’re projecting your dating fantasy onto this guy who is obviously a player and simply looking to hook up and have sex with as many amazing women as he can, and ignoring the reality that he is not relationship, boyfriend, husband or marriage material. I would not say anything about anyone else he is having sex with inside your office or outside your office because it’s really none of your business. You’re simply one of his fuck buddies. A man like this is not someone you should pursue or contact at all. Let him reach out to you and make dates that can lead to sex at his place or yours.
You also need to make sure that he fulfills your sexual needs as well when you spend time together. Giving him a blow job and a sexual release when you get nothing shows me that you’re putting your needs last. It sounds like you’re really looking for a guy to settle down and have a relationship with. He ain’t it. Therefore, you need to keep your options open, keep dating other men like most women do, until you find the right guy who shares the same goals and values as you do. You should only treat this guy as a sex playmate or a fuck buddy. That is all he is good for. Do not try and change him, because it would simply be a waste of your time. Let him do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on, but don’t ever delude yourself into thinking he’s relationship material, and you’ll be fine. That way, you can enjoy a good sex life until you meet the right guy.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Everyone wants to live happily ever after. It can be extremely difficult when you are single whether you are a man or a woman, to remain patient, objective, and see people for what and who they really are. Men and women both tend to live in their heads and project their fantasies of the way they would like the people in their lives or their life circumstances to be, and often ignore the reality of the way things really are. It’s extremely difficult to leave a relationship when you are with someone who is great in so many ways, but deep down you know that the relationship no longer serves you, to become single again and resume your search for Mr. or Mrs. Right. There is value in every person, event, or circumstance that you get to experience in life. Every thing that happens to you in life is in response to your goals and intentions shaping the forces around you, in order to get you ready for the manifestation of your grandest goals and dreams. By staying focused on your highest expectations and goals, instead of the current people and circumstances that are presently in your life, you will enable yourself to continue circulating and moving forward towards what you want, so you don’t get sidetracked and settle for someone or something that is less than what you truly deserve.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne