Why women lose interest in physical intimacy in long term relationships and how to turn things around.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 32 year old viewer whose wife lost interest in sex and physical intimacy only 6 months into the relationship. He says she has zero libido for the past 3-4 years. She occasionally gives him pity sex, but it’s obvious she feels nothing for him. He realizes that he has not acted masculine and has been too emotional, needy, possessive, and controlling. He asks what he can do to turn things around in his marriage because he says divorce is not an option in his country and culture. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, The Real Reason She Lost Interest In Physical Intimacy.
Well, this particular email, this guy, he’s 32 years old. And he’s been with his wife for about five years, married two. And he says for about the first six months of their relationship, they had a pretty good sex life. And then after that, she just pretty much lost interest in sex. They don’t have any kids yet. He says she really loves him, but he says she only occasionally gives him pity sex when he’s really Jonesing basically, and needs a release.
But other than that, he’s like, “The last 3 or 4 years she’s got no libido at all.” And so, he says in his country and his culture, you can’t get divorced. So, he says, that’s really not an option for him. And so, he wants to know what he can do. And he admits, because he’s now starting to follow my work, that he became super emotional. He says, he’s needy, he’s possessive, he’s controlling, and he realized that he’s pretty much acted in a non masculine way since the beginning of the relationship.
And so, in this case, he’s married to a feminine woman, and at least in the beginning, he was a masculine enough guy to attract her to him. But obviously after a period of time, he got very needy, he got very controlling, he got possessive, overly emotional, and those are all, quite frankly, feminine traits. And so, what happened was in the beginning of the relationship, he acted like a man. And then after about six, eight months later, he started turning into a woman.
And so, when you behave that way, it ruins the sexual polarity. Now nobody is taking the lead. Masculine energy is purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking through barriers, overcoming challenges. And yet here this guy is, he’s possessive and controlling. Well, if you’re possessive and controlling, and in this case needy, overly emotional, you’re driven by fears. That is the opposite of confidence. In other words, his wife has more masculinity than he does.
And it doesn’t matter if it’s a heterosexual relationship, like is in this case. Or it could be a lesbian relationship, even a gay relationship. You always have a strong masculine essence and a strong feminine essence. And when they’re too similar, they become like loveless, sexless roommates. And when the one that’s supposed to be the man or the masculine one in the relationship acts to effeminate, and feminine and girly.
And instead of being the leader, tries to be the follower makes the other person their emotional tampon, it ruins the sexual polarity. And the other person completely loses interest in having sex with them. In this case, his wife just has no interest in sex, because he basically made her the man in the relationship. And so, when you do that to a woman.
Masculinity is not a natural essence, and so she’s going to resent it. She’s not going to feel safe. And a woman has to feel safe and comfortable, especially in a marriage or in a relationship, in order to feel safe and trust your masculine core enough to be okay with having children with you. But if she’s constantly in a state of fear and you’re constantly controlling things and blowing up her phone, and wanting to know where she is, what she’s doing, who she’s with.
You have to remember the Thích Nhất Hạnh quote, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” And so, in this case, it’s pretty much for years now, she doesn’t feel free. What he’s constantly communicating is he doesn’t deserve to be there. He doesn’t feel he’s masculine enough and man enough for her to willingly choose him. And so, if he’s always chasing her for sex and attention, he’s acting like the girl in the relationship.
And so, the sexual polarity is totally screwed up. And until he starts acting like a man consistently, meaning displaying the masculine behaviors that I talk about in my book 3% Man, which you can read for free and UnderstandingRelationships.Com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter when you get to the website. All of his behavior is coming from a place of, “I don’t deserve to have you. You probably are not going to love me.” Or “I’m not worthy of love.”
And the number one strength characteristic that women find attractive in men is confidence. And so, everything this guy does is communicate the opposite of confidence. And so, she got involved with a guy who actually acted like a man in the beginning, and then he stopped being that guy. In other words, if I was talking to her, she’d be like, “Yeah, he changed. He’s not the same guy that I fell in love with.”
He’s not the same guy that she met, married and fell in love with. He’s basically a roommate at this point. And you’re not going to talk a woman into feeling desire for you. You have to behave like a man behaves consistently. And that’s what this guy must do. He has to get back to behaving like he was in in the beginning. And being all over her and trying to be controlling and possessive and needy, constantly fearing that she’s going to leave you, constantly getting emotional.
In other words, he’s constantly getting perturbed at every other little thing that he does, and so, she never can really relax. If she can’t relax, she doesn’t feel safe. She doesn’t trust his masculine core. He’s going to make her pussy drier than the Sahara Desert. That’s just a fact of life. You cannot behave this way continually acting like an incompetent man. Because he acts like a little boy in the relationship, and he treats her like his mommy. And it’s disgusting and repulsive to her.
It’s disgusting and repulsive to women in general. And if he wants to re-attract her, he’s got to act consistently masculine. Because what’s happening is most of the time, he’s acting consistently feminine. Until he changes that behavior. And the only way he’s going to be able to change that behavior is to become aware of what behavior he’s displaying that’s effeminate and girly.
And which behavior he’s displaying that’s actually masculine and attractive, and accentuate that. Because right now, as long as he’s displaying all this effeminate, girly behavior, his wife basically feels like she’s living with another chick. And women don’t want the power and the control and the relationship. You’re supposed to penetrate her with your strength. And if you’re begging her to pay attention to you, and give you sex, then that tells me you don’t understand courtship.
You don’t understand seduction. You don’t understand how to flirt or be playful. Because love is playful and fun. And if you’re always on edge, and if you’re always angry and you’re always upset, you’re not relaxed. Because masculinity is calm. And what you see here is this guy is the opposite of being calm. And so, if you’re not calm, you can’t expect your woman to be the calm one. And you see that a lot in the television commercials, like the one I’ve been roasting lately, that Verizon commercial.
Where the wife is very attractive, masculine, stoic, and his two teenage kids. He’s got a son and a daughter, and they both act very masculine, stoic. And of course, he’s just losing his shit over something that’s on the phone bill and acting like a totally emotionally irrational little girl. And of course, the masculine, stoic woman comes home, and has the solution to everything and calms him down.
And while it’s kind of funny on TV and entertainment wise, but when you see that kind of archetype, thousands and thousands and thousands of times, whether you realize it or not, you’re being brainwashed to see that as something that’s normal. That is actually an example of how men act. And a lot of men in our society act that way. And so, you see it on TV, and then you see it show up in the real world.
And if you don’t have a strong masculine presence at home to teach you this stuff, you go out in the real world and you basically emulate what you see on TV. And that’s what this guy is in essence, is doing here without even realizing it. He’s acting like a girl. He doesn’t act how a man is supposed to act. So of course, his wife is not going to be attracted to him.
And so, he’s trying to re-attract her to get her to the point where she’s actually interested in sex and wants to have sex. And if he’s applying what’s in The Book his girlfriend, in this case, his wife will be. If you’re doing what is in The Book, she’s going to want sex more than you do. And when it’s the other way around, you’ve completely given the power away and the relationship, and you’re not acting like a man. So, let’s go through his email.
Me and my wife (32,30) have known each other for 5 years, and been married for two. We do not have any kids yet. Both of us are fairly healthy and busy with work. We have a good loving relationship, and my wife loves me a lot. The only problem is sex.
We had great sex for the first 6 months of the relationship. After that, things started going south and she started losing attraction. My wife has had zero libido for the last three to four years. In hindsight after going through your book twice, I understand I have been jealous, controlling, possessive, emotional and needy after the initial phase and that has killed her attraction.
Yeah, because everything you do screams no confidence and communicates that you don’t feel you deserve to be there. And that’s why you try to control her so much. Because deep down, you fear she’s going to leave you and not love you. Because human beings have two primary fears. Number one is fear we’re not enough. And number two, fear that we won’t be loved. And in this case, you got both of those. He doesn’t feel he measures up. He’s not man enough to deserve her.
And he doesn’t feel he’s loved or lovable. And so, when you feel that way, that forces you to try too hard, to call too much, to be controlling, to be worried, to become emotional, to get mad easily, to get upset easily. And if you’re overly emotional and you’re constantly losing your shit and throwing a temper tantrum like an eight year old, you’re going to turn off any woman that you’re in a relationship with. And any woman that’s observing this behavior.
She hasn’t cheated on me I know that for a fact. Divorce isn’t an option in our part of the world. She just lets me have some pity sex with zero pleasure for her. I have realized my mistake, and am working on my emotions. I’ll be reading your book 10-15 times and get my emotional shit together.
I already work 10 hours a day, make good money and take care of body.
My questions are:
Is there anything else I should be doing apart from manning up? How do I give her space to miss me since we’re married and live away from friends and family?
Should I stop asking her for sex? Should I stop kissing and hugging her as it’s always me who’s initiating any intimacy?
Would these things help? Anything else I’m missing?
Any help would be appreciated Coach.
Well, remember, masculinity is calm. When I’m working with guys that are in this situation and things are good in the beginning of their marriage or their relationship. What I see the same things over and over and over and over, and guys make the same exact mistakes and it’s always the same two things. First one, she doesn’t feel heard and understood. He doesn’t take the time to open her up. There’s a video I did years ago, that is referenced in The Book called, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively.” It’s probably at least 10 or 12 years old.
And that will work a thousand years from now, because you have to learn to get your wife to talk and to start opening up. Because when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. And if you’re always on her ass and you’re jealous and you’re insecure, and you’re needy, then she’s going to be closed towards you.
And the other thing that typically happens also is the guys are romantic in the beginning. In other words, they date and court her properly. And then after the guy feels like he’s won or over or like in this case, they’re married. He’s like, “Well, that part of the relationship is over. I don’t have to do that anymore.” Women want to be in a love story, and they know that if you stop dating and courting them, you don’t actually care about them anymore.
It doesn’t matter what you say, it just matters what you do. And if you say you love her, and then you never take her out on dates, (because that’s typically what happens.) The guy gets busy with work. He gets busy with his career, wants to stack some more cash, put some money away, buy a bigger house, save some more money for investments or whatever happens to be. He’s like, “I got to work more.” He’s like, “Well, I’ll save money. We won’t go out and do things as much.”
And then so they stop playing together, and the family that plays together tends to stay together. And so, when the playing stops, you know, like the old Cyndi Lauper song from the 80s, “Girls just want to have fun.” When the fun stops… Well, remember, what is the formula for seduction? Hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, and then hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched and ready to be kissed.
And so, the process is the same always for seduction. And in this case, we know she’s shut down to him. And so, the first thing that he can do when he comes home from his day at work and he sees her is, “Hey, babe, tell me about your day. How was your day?” Every day you come home, every time you’ve been away, and you haven’t seen her all day or whatever.
That should be the first thing you say. “Hey, how was your day?” And get her to talk. Get her to open up. Get her to do 80, 90% of the talking. And then you just listen and occasionally repeat some things back, much like I talked about in the video, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively.” Just like what happens when you’re on a first date with a girl. As you sit and you start talking and you’re asking her questions, and after a while you start to notice that she’s playing with her hair. She’s leaning over towards you.
Maybe reaches over every now and then and touches your hand or touches your arm. If you’re walking down the street and talking, you’ll notice that she’ll just kind of slowly bump into you, bump shoulder to shoulder. Her hand may bump yours. She just may literally bump her arm against yours, you know, that kind of thing. And so, those are signs that she, is giving you the invitation that touching is okay. And then you slowly reciprocate.
And how to seduce a woman is all laid out in The Book. And so, there’s a process for it. And the process starts by opening her up, creating rapport. Just like when you’re on a first date. What do you do? You’re trying to get to know the girl, and she should be doing 70 to 80% of the talk, and maybe even 90% of the talking. It helps you remain mysterious, and it creates human rapport. Any man or woman, when you sit down with somebody that you don’t know or don’t know very well, and you just start talking and the other person is really intently.
When is the last time that you met somebody, and they started asking you questions, and they were really interested in what you had to say? And they really made you feel like they were glad you were sharing whatever it was you were sharing with them. They were excited about it; they were interested in it. And they really made you feel they were glad that they were there listening to you.
So, if you think about it from that perspective, that’s what the goal is when you’re with your girlfriend or your wife. That if you love her, if you care about her, you should be fascinated by her. And you want to get her talking. You want to get her excited. You want to know her hopes. You want to know her dreams. You want to know what’s been going on in her life. And all too often, especially in this case, the guy’s probably coming home. He’s mad, he’s pissed off, he’s horny, and he wants to get down to business right away. But she shut down to him.
And so, the starting place and because remember, hang out, have fun, hook up. The hooking up part, the sex is always at the end. You typically don’t start with dessert when you have dinner. The dessert comes at the end. And so, there’s a process. And so, you have to create a date. And like in this case they already live together. So, when he comes home, “Hey babe, tell me about your day.” And you get her talking, get her to open up, get her to do most of the talking.
And then you just intently listen. And if she’s asking you for advice or something, or you feel like you want to give her advice, you should always ask, “Do you want my opinion or you just want me to listen?” And that’s super important because the more you get her to open up, the more you get her to talk, the more she’s going to feel like you actually care about her. And then you’ll notice that she’ll do things like start playing with her hair, or her legs will change.
And you know, when you start out, with her arms maybe crossed in front of her chest, and then she may put her arms down and relax. And whereas her knee might be, her legs might be crossed, and her knees pointed away from you. And when she feels rapport, you’ll notice that her legs will switch and then her knee will point right at you. Those are little subtle signs that shows her body language is becoming open to you that you want to look for as she’s continuing to speak.
Love is playful and fun. And so, 90% of the time you’re the charming James Bond. Be intently interested in what she has to say. And be sincere. Take a sincere, authentic interest in your girl and keep her talking. And occasionally interject some fun in there, tease her, have a good time, laugh. Because whatever she feels with you, whatever you make her feel when she’s with you, is what she’s going to associate with being with you.
And so, love is playful and fun. You have to get back to a place where she feels like she can share anything and everything she wants to with you, without any kind of judgment, and especially without you getting butthurt or pissed off. Especially if she’s giving you negative feedback on stuff that maybe you should have been doing differently. Because if you can get her talking and you get her open up, and then you start noticing there’s signs of attraction, start to return, and then you start laughing and playing and being silly.
Kind of like when you first started going out in the beginning, when you guys were just going out and having fun and screwing each other’s brains out when things were easy and effortless. She felt heard and understood because you were excited about getting to know her, and things were easy and effortless. And what happened was over time you got away from doing all those little things that turned her on and made her attractive to you.
And that’s where you got to get back to. And the key starting point is that every day you get home, “Hey, babe, how was your day?” Get her to talk. And the date can be nothing more than you guys just maybe having a glass of wine or some tea or coffee or whatever. When you both get home and just let her talk, get her to open up. And then, again, when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, then you can escalate and start kissing and fooling around and following the signs that are in The Book.
Because what’s happening now is he’s putting the cart before the horse. He wants to just grab her boobs or put his hand down her pants, and she’ll be ready to go. Well, that is fine if she’s been feeling heard and understood all the time, and you’ve been dating and courting her properly. And you’ve been hooking up 2 or 3 times a week. Yeah, you can pretty much grab her ass or pull her pants down and start kissing her and making out with her.
And you’re never going to have to worry about rejection in that case. But when you’re in the position where this guy is, and he’s just basically begging for mercy fucks and mercy lays. There’s a process to getting her legs to open back up and to always be open to you. And so, you have to cut out all the unattractive behavior, which again is displayed in The Book.
And you have to start displaying attractive behavior. And in this case, obviously you have to get her talking. That’s the first thing. If you get her talking, you get her laughing. You have fun together. Again, when the signs are there, then you just naturally escalate things physically, and you won’t have to worry about getting rejected.
And if you’ve got a similar situation that you want to run by me and you want my help, you can, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com. Click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.And until next time. I will talk to you soon.
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