The Reason She Gave For Dumping You Isn’t Why She Did It

How to figure out the real reasons why she dumped you despite what she says.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his girlfriend of a year and a half. She used to be close with his sister and that’s how they met. His sister didn’t like her anymore after they started dating. She asked for space and said he didn’t do enough to resolve the conflict between her and his sister. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne, and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “The Reason She Gave For Dumping You Isn’t Why She Did It”.

Well, we’ve got to remember that women don’t want to hurt your feelings. And so with the ladies, you’ve got to learn to read between the lines and understand what the actual hidden meanings are. And if you understand how they operate, women are actually pretty predictable. And they often say the same things. It doesn’t matter what country they’re in, or if they’re speaking a different language, or come from a different religion, they all say the same things. I’ve been doing this for 20 years, and I’ve got clients on literally every continent of the globe.

And even though they might be speaking a different language when they translate it, it’s like they all say the same thing. And so this particular email, the guy’s 20, she’s 19. They were dating for about a year and a half and she used to be one of his sister’s closest friends. So I assume that’s how they met. But he says as soon as they started dating that her and his sister kind of had a falling out. It almost sounds like the sister maybe didn’t like the fact that she was dating her brother. Maybe deep down she didn’t feel she was good enough for her brother.

But at the end of the day, his girlfriend is very troubled by the breakdown of their friendship. And so she brought it up multiple times. And it looks like this guy, like most dudes, didn’t really understand what was going on and what he’s guilty of, like most guys are, he just didn’t ask good quality questions. A question that every guy should learn to memorize with the ladies is when she says something and it doesn’t make sense, say, “What do you mean? I don’t understand where you’re coming from.”

Make her explain to you specifically and explicitly what she’s thinking, feeling, and actually wants. Most of the time when a guy hears something from a girl that he doesn’t understand, he just sweeps it under the rug, changes the subject, and just moves on, and then walks away from that interaction, assuming that he knew what she meant. And when you do that, 99% of the time, you’re going to assume the wrong thing. So again, “What do you mean? Why are you saying that? I don’t understand where you’re coming from.”

And so this woman ended up dumping, or she basically said she wanted some space and some distance. And basically she’s just constantly saying, “Well, the relationship with your sister has become toxic, and now I want some distance.” He doesn’t really go into details what the issue was between the two of them. Maybe he doesn’t even know, and maybe that’s why he didn’t put it in his email. And that’s kind of part of the problem is he doesn’t really know what’s going on here. However, because women tend to say the same things.

Women don’t dump men they’re in love with. They dump men that they’ve lost respect and attraction for. And so when a woman says, “she needs space, or she needs distance.” Usually what that means is the sexual polarity is screwed up in the relationship. She feels more like the man. She has all the power. He’s probably over pursuing and smothering and chasing her. As a matter of fact, you know, um, what’s his name? Tom Cruise, the actor and Ana de Armas were dating. I guess they dated for about six months or several months (a year) because it was all over the tabloids a few months ago, and they just broke up.

And so you hear Tom Cruise’s side and then you hear her side. And so he basically smothered her. He was giving her advice. He’s coming on way too strong and just moving at a much faster pace than Ana was going at. And Ana bounced on him. She basically wanted some space and some distance because he was smothering her. And so, despite what the tabloids say, when I hear those specific words from a woman, I know exactly what was going on. Because they all say the same thing. It could be a woman in Saudi Arabia. They’ll say the same thing. They want space from a guy that is smothering them.

And because, as Thích Nhất Hạnh used to say, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” And when the person that you’re loving, or trying to love, doesn’t feel free, they’re going to want space. And that’s what happened to Tom Cruise’s case. And that’s what happened here. Even though this guy’s girlfriend is insisting that it’s really over the issue of the breakdown of her relationship with his sister and the fact that she doesn’t feel he did a good job of handling it, even though they’ve talked about it many, many times. That’s what she’s blaming. But at the end of the day, she wants space.

Women want space when they’re smothered and they don’t feel free. That’s just what they do. They don’t just say it, or pull things out of their ass. Again, you know, when you’ve been doing this as long as I have, for 20 years, and you see the same patterns over and over and over and over again, whether it’s a girl in Omaha, Nebraska, or Ukraine or Russia or China or New Zealand or Australia or the UK or Brussels, they all say the same fucking things. And so when you understand that, then you can read between the lines and see what’s really going on.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

Here’s the situation. My ex-girlfriend, who is 19 and I am 20, had been together for about a year and a half. The relationship was mostly loving and close, but there was a long-term issue involving my sister.

Well, the one thing I want to, that if you’re in a relationship, whether you’re married or long term relationship, and you allow family members to be abusive or nasty or mean towards your girlfriend or your wife, and you don’t stand up for your girlfriend or your wife to your family and put those people in their place and make them apologize if they’ve done something wrong, she’s not going to feel safe with you. And she’s not going to feel like you can protect her. And if she doesn’t feel safe with you and like you can protect her, in other words, when you just allow other family members to browbeat her and you just watch it happen and you do nothing about it, her legs are going to close and she’s going to want some distance.

So that is an important issue. Again, he doesn’t really elaborate. It’s just, they had a falling out. He doesn’t say over what. And like I said it’s probably because he didn’t ask good questions, he didn’t really understand what the issue was. And so he doesn’t really know. And he made a bunch of assumptions and now his relationship is over. I would say due to bad and poor communication on his part, but there are obviously things he was doing and saying that caused her to lose attraction and respect for him.

Before my girlfriend and I got together, she and my sister were close friends. After we started dating, that friendship broke down. My sister didn’t want my girlfriend around as much, which deeply hurt my girlfriend and caused tension.

Well, if it was me, I would say, “Why is it you don’t want to hang out with Jessica anymore? You guys were like, really close friends. Is it because we’re dating now? Did you guys have a falling out? Because Jessica’s really upset because you guys were close, and now she feels like you don’t care or you’re mad. It’s like, what’s going on here? Because it causes some tension in our relationship. Because my girlfriend doesn’t want to come around when you’re going to be there because you’re kind of not nice to her. And so it’s actually causing problems for me in the relationship.

So I want to get to the bottom of it and figure out if it’s something that can be resolved, or if I just need to keep you guys separated.” Because you don’t want to constantly be bringing your girlfriend around and your sister being an ass to her. Because then that won’t make her feel safe and comfortable, and she will lose respect for you and will lose interest. And that could be why. But again, usually when a woman asks for “space”, it’s because they feel smothered.

Over time, my girlfriend began to feel that I didn’t take her emotional pain about the situation seriously enough, even though I did speak with my sister and tried to calm things down.

So if she says, “You don’t take the situation seriously enough.” “What do you mean? Why would you say that? I went to my sister and tried to mediate things, so why would am I not doing? Or what did I do to make you feel like I’m not trying hard enough? And what do you expect me to do that you don’t think I am doing? Because I don’t understand where you come from. I don’t understand why you’re saying that.” That’s what should be happening. Again, “What do you mean?” is one of the most powerful questions a man can use with a woman to figure out what the fuck is going on between her ears, because you’re not psychic.

And women often think that us guys are mind readers, and so we’re not going to allow that. We’re going to force her, we’re going to hold her feet to the fire and make her tell us explicitly and specifically why they’re upset. And if you hear, “I don’t know”. Just say, “Don’t tell me you don’t know.” When someone says, “I don’t know”, it means they know what they don’t want to say. So you can use that. But it’s important, man. You’ve got to ask good quality questions. And it sure looks like that did not happen.

From my perspective, I couldn’t force reconciliation between them. I just wanted peace and mutual respect.

Well, again, if your sister is being an ass to your girlfriend, you need to pull your sister to the side and say, “Look, you can’t do that. You can’t behave that way. You can’t make my girlfriend feel uncomfortable. I understand you guys aren’t friends anymore or you don’t want her around, but you being rude is not okay. That shit needs to stop. And on top of that, you need to apologize for it because you’re fucking out of line.”

During the last couple of months, we had several serious talks about this same topic. She often said she felt like I ignored how much it affected her. I tried to show understanding, but I also wanted to focus on the positive side of our relationship.

So what that tells me is she didn’t feel heard and understood. That’s why she’s upset. If a woman doesn’t feel heard and understood, the legs are going to close. And this is like what most guys do is if a woman comes to you with a problem or an issue or they come home, “Oh, this fucking girl from work is this, is that.” And our automatic impulses as men as we’re problem solvers is like, “Well, you should do this. You should do that. What about this? What about that?” And oftentimes when you start giving her advice, unsolicited advice, instead of just listening and and getting her to talk, because women resolve their problems by talking about them. And so that’s what you need to facilitate.

But if, you know, just the fact that what this sentence says here, “I tried to show understanding, but I also wanted to focus on the positive side of our relationship.” That tells me that instead of listening to her and getting her to talk and really understand where she’s coming from, you basically gave her a pep talk. You gave her a, like a life coaching talk. “Hey, you know, let’s look at the bright side. You and I have a great relationship. We have a lot of fun together. Despite the fact that, you know, you and my sister don’t get along anymore.” If you do that, that’s the kind of thing that’s going to cause women to go, “You’re not listening.”

And you’ll be like, “What are you talking about? I’m right here. I just listened to what came out of your mouth. But I think we should focus on the positive.” She’s like, “But you don’t understand.” “Well, help me understand then, because obviously I don’t get where you’re coming from. I don’t know what you mean. I don’t know why you’re upset at me over you and my sister not getting along.” Again, you’ve got to make her tell you specifically explicitly. And so this is a common thing that guys do. They give their girlfriends, their wives advice when they really just need to listen.

And so if you feel the impulse to give her advice or a pep talk, just say, “Do you want me just to listen, or are you looking for my opinion and advice?” If you’re not sure. Because nine times out of ten, if you think she needs advice and you give her advice, she probably just wanted you to listen. And if you thought she just wanted you to listen and was really seeking your opinion, you don’t give your opinion, then she’s going to be upset at you. So again, the quality of your relationship is going to be in direct proportion to the quality of the questions that you guys consistently ask each other.

Despite that, she felt that nothing changed and that I wasn’t doing enough.

“What is it you feel I should be doing that I’m not doing? What would I be doing differently that would make you go, ‘okay, man, you’re really [symbols the okay sign with his hand]. Thanks, Bob. Thanks for really making an effort.”

Things escalated when she started to associate our whole relationship with the stress of this conflict. She told me that although she loved me, the situation was becoming “toxic” for her, and she didn’t want to hold on to something that made her feel bad.

It’s like, so why would she say the relationship between you and her sister became toxic? Does that mean they’re not talking? Does that mean when you brought her around, because you know, he’s young, he’s 20, so I’m assuming he probably lives at home with his sister and his parents. And so the girlfriend comes over, and maybe your sister’s being an ass to her, or give her the silent treatment, or goes into her room or rolls her eyes or whatever when she comes over. But the bottom line is, what it looks like is that when your girlfriend’s around, your sister is not nice to her, doesn’t make her feel welcome. And so therefore she doesn’t feel safe. Maybe your parents, or maybe your mother doesn’t make her feel safe as well, because she’s siding with your sister. We don’t really know.

Two days ago, we met in person. At first the atmosphere was normal. She smiled, seemed glad to see me, and even talked about showing me some photos. But during dinner she brought up the topic and said she thought we needed distance.

Distance? What do you mean? Why would you say we need distance? What is that going to solve? What is the purpose of having distance?

I stayed calm and told her that I was hurt but would respect her decision if she was sure.

Again, you didn’t ask good quality questions right here. You’re making an assumption. It’s like, “I want to know. It was like, you want distance, you want space. Like why?” Again, typically when a woman says she “wants space and distance” is because she feels smothered. Or in this case, it could be that maybe things were really nasty and toxic between you, her and your sister. And you didn’t step in to mediate it and jerk a knot in your sister’s ass and say, “You need to resolve this shit because it’s creating problems in my relationship. It’s fine if you don’t want to be friends with her anymore. But she’s my fucking girlfriend and now when she comes over, you give her dirty looks or you’re nasty to her. It’s like, I can’t have that.”

And so therefore, it’s like your girlfriend comes over and your sister’s an ass to her. I’m going to fucking be calling my sister out. I was like, don’t fucking talk to her like that. You need to apologize. You’re out of line. That’s what needs to happen. She needs to feel like you’re defending her if your sister’s being an ass. Again, I’m just assuming that that’s probably what’s going on. Because it’s clear your girlfriend doesn’t feel safe and comfortable around. And if it’s “toxic”, then things must be really nasty between the two of them.

She asked if I was really just going to accept it like that, and I said I couldn’t change her mind with words if she truly wanted to leave.

Well, so she wants space and she’s expecting you to say, because this is what women do. Because if she thinks that you don’t want to be with her anymore, she tries to make it easy for you to leave. And so, you know, that’s kind of when women say, “Well, you should fight for us. You should fight for me. When I said I wanted space, you should have been like, I don’t want space.” They do that because they’re trying to make it easy for you to dip and break up if you don’t want to be with them anymore.

That could be a possibility too. So again, what I would have said is like, “Space? Why do you want space? Distance? What do you mean? You like don’t want to talk? You don’t want to see each other? It’s like, why? What’s that going to accomplish? What do you think it’s going to accomplish? What is your intention? Where is this coming from? I don’t understand why you want distance.”

She started crying. We walked outside, I told her I loved her and wished her happiness, and we said goodbye. Later, I briefly ran after her to ask if she was completely sure, but she said she couldn’t keep questioning the relationship every time and needed space.

She needs space. She wants space because she feels smothered. And the fact that you’re running after her, again usually when women say they “need space”, they feel smothered by you. You’re calling too much or texting too much. You’re pursuing too much, you’re acting too beta. You’re not leading. The other thing is, it doesn’t sound like you’ve actually read 3% Man yet. There’s an Article and Video I did, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively” that’s referenced in the book (Page 198), but you need to learn the baseline fundamentals of what I teach.

Because what it looks like here is you failed to properly mediate between her and your sister, and you didn’t ask good quality questions. And so, quite frankly, you don’t really know what the core root issue is because you didn’t bring it up. But at the end of the day, your girlfriend wants space. And so when your girl wants space, you’ve got to give her all the space that she needs. That means you go into No Contact and you wait to hear from her. Because when a girl says she “needs space” and you keep pursuing, that’s going to drive her away even more.

Since then, we haven’t spoken. She said she wasn’t 100% sure about her decision, but she couldn’t continue feeling like I didn’t act on what she communicated months ago. I’m now trying to give her the distance she asked for and focus on myself, but I still believe the situation was solvable.

Well so she said, “she couldn’t continue feeling like I didn’t act on what she communicated a few months ago.” So in other words, there was something you were supposed to do that you didn’t do. At least in her eyes that’s the way she sees it. Maybe she was hoping you would help resolve things between her and your sister and make it so everybody got along and was nice and cordial to each other. But if you allowed a situation to be like if she came over to your house and your sister’s nasty to her and you just allowed it to happen, that’s on you. But at this point she wants space and that’s where you’re at. So you have to wait to hear from her.

If you don’t hear from her for 30 days, then I would assume it’s over and just move on and start dating other women because it takes two to tango. And your girlfriend basically tapped out and said she wasn’t willing to make an effort. And so if you do hear from her in the future, invite her over to make dinner, hang out, have fun, hook up. But you’ve got to ask good quality questions. Again, “What do you mean? If you don’t understand where she’s coming from, don’t assume, because 99% of the time you’re going to be wrong and you’re going to make the wrong assumption.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.