The Reason She Says She Dumped You Is Not Actually Why She Dumped You

When she tells you why she dumped you it’s usually not the real reason.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 60-year-old viewer who was dating a 65-year-old woman for a little over three months. She suddenly dumped him saying she didn’t see their relationship as a long term one. The week before she said he was a keeper and the best sex she’s ever had. She told him there wasn’t enough romance and it felt like they were an old married couple.

He’s confused and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, this particular email is from a viewer who is 60 and he was dating a 65-year-old woman for a little over three months. I think they were talking in five months total, but I guess they were traveling a lot. So in the first couple of months, they didn’t really see each other very much, but the last three months they spent quite a bit of time together. So last week, she was telling a friend of his that he’s a keeper. She’s also been saying all kinds of things, like best sex she’s ever had. You know, just saying all the right things. Then all of a sudden, a week later, she basically says there’s not enough romance and it feels like they’re an old married couple, and he’s gone. “What? What the hell? Why she just all of a sudden dump me?”

The thing to keep in mind is women don’t dump men they’re in love with. They dump men they’ve lost attraction and respect for, and there’s something in the email that I’m not going to reveal that makes it pretty obvious what he was doing wrong. Let’s see if you guys can pick up on that. So at the end of the day, she kind of rode off into the sunset and he’s like, “What the hell?”

Viewer Email:

Hello Coach,

My girlfriend dumped me one week after telling a friend in front of me that, “I was a keeper.” I have read your book five times and watched countless videos.

While reading the book five times or 50 is great, if you don’t do what’s in the book and things go sideways because you’re violating principles, you should not be surprised.

I am 60 and she is 65, and we have been dating about five months, but the first two months we were traveling a lot, so we really have been spending a lot of time only over the past three months.

So if you’re dating for three months, she’s not head over heels in love with you and hasn’t said it, then you’re misapplying what’s in the book or you just didn’t know it well enough to get her to that point. This is assuming she’s a normal, healthy woman. Let’s just assume that she’s a normal, healthy woman. So if we know that she dumped him, well then obviously he was doing and saying things even at 60, which is five years older than yours truly, that he just did too many unattractive things because again, women don’t dump men they’re in love with. They dump men they’re not feeling anything for. The only thing that matters is how she feels about you, and you can tell by the things she says and does.

This is the other thing. Women don’t want to hurt your feelings, and this guy knows that. He even mentioned this to her when she was breaking up with him. So the explanation that she gives him for why she dumped him doesn’t really make sense, because she’s basically telling him that he’s not pursuing enough and as you’ll see in a short minute here, not only was he pursuing enough, he was pursuing more than he should have and by the words that came out of her mouth, because again, most women don’t understand how attraction works. All they know is the feelings, the chemistry and the spark is not there and they don’t understand why. They say, “Oh, you’re a great guy,” but she’s not feeling it. That’s what really happened, but women try to use something logical that makes sense. “Oh, you’re not attentive enough” or “You’re not romantic enough,” and guys are like, “What?”

Again, if she really loves you and respects you and you’re properly applying what’s in the book, this is not going to happen, but if you’re cherry picking and selectively applying what’s in the book and ignoring other things that are big no-no’s and then doing them anyways, then that’s on you.

We would typically spend three nights a week together, usually two of those nights we would go salsa dancing and one night Netflix and chill.

So it sounds like he was doing the same date every week. It was the same thing over and over. So that gets to be dull and boring and just a routine.

I would do about 40% of the texting…

Well class, should you ever be doing 40% of the texting? What does the book say? You should never do more than 20% to 30% of it, and most women will let you get away with them doing 95% to even 100% of the pursuing. So right off the bat, we know he’s over-pursuing just from that one statement. It’s too much contact initiation. That’s why he dated her for five months, and she never fell head over heels in love because he was always pursuing too much. So he’s pursuing too much. On top of that, it looks like every week is the same thing. It’s the same boring, dull routine. They go to salsa dancing twice a week and one night to watch movies, chill and hook up. So she knows what’s going to happen.

This is it. This is as creative as this guy was. He was just lazy, probably because he’s getting laid, so he’s like, “Eh, it’s good enough for me.” He’s basically, as she accuses him later, I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Let’s just take it line by line.

…But apparently that was not enough.

It was too much bro, because she told him he wasn’t pursuing her enough, but when I hear it’s 40%, again when it gets 50/50, you elicit platonic feelings in a woman towards you and that is across the board. Heterosexual relationships, gay relationships, lesbian relationships, same thing. When the masculine essence is pursuing more than 20% to 30%, especially when it’s 50%, everybody gets friend-zoned across the board. There’s not enough sexual polarity that has to be there. In other words, you’re acting too much like a chick.

Over the past few months, she has said, “I had to kiss a lot of frogs,” “I figured maybe a younger guy would do it for me.”

All that tells you is this woman has no idea how attraction works. She’s just strictly going off on how the man makes her feel. Women don’t care about what a great dude you are or how great the sex is. They only care about how they feel about you. That’s the most important thing.

A side note: We both live in a town in Mexico where most of the expats are 65+ and the majority are women. She said many times, “You are so sexy,” and “This is the best sex I have ever had.” 

Well at the end of the day, women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, they voted for you. If they’re not, they didn’t vote for you.

About three weeks ago, while we were having sex she said, “I am going to just come out and say it. I love you.”  She had a few margaritas, so the next morning, she apologized and said it was the tequila talking.

Yeah, she’s not saying it sober. It’s just the heat of the moment. “Oh, I love you!”

I said, “No need to apologize if you meant it and she said, “There is a time and a place for that.”

So at the end of the day, she didn’t love him. She said it when she was drunk. So clearly, she was never in love. Five months of dating and she’s still not in love. If he was applying what was in the book diligently and his game was tight and she was normal, she’d been in love by week six or seven, but it dragged out a long time and everything was predictable. It was the same two dates. Basically two dates and a booty call every week. Two salsa dates and a Netflix and chill. Every week it’s the same routine. You can’t do that, dude. You got to be a little more creative. Come on!

So a week before she dumped me, she told a friend in front of me that, “I was a keeper.” We were planning an eastern European trip and we already booked our outbound flights. When we sat down for lunch she said, “I just don’t see this as a long term relationship.”

In other words, what she’s saying is, “You’re really boring and dull, and I always know what’s going to happen every week and you’re just kind of drying my pussy up.”

Of course she said I was a great guy and there was nothing wrong with me, blah, blah.

The typical canned line.

I told her that I know women don’t like to hurt guys’ feelings, but I said I want to know exactly what it was.

You’re basically saying, “Hey, explain to me how I lowered your attraction.” It’s like they don’t know. They don’t know how it works. She’ll give you something that kind of makes sense, but it’s not really the reason she dumped you, because she had no interest.

I mean, you already pointed out. I already pointed out 40% pursuing after five months of dating is way too much. You’re only 10% above friend zone, and more than likely that 40% is a little generous. Probably was closer to 50/50, and if it’s close to 50/50, then all he did was elicit platonic feelings and they never went anywhere. She never was wondering where she stood with them. She didn’t have enough time and space away from him to wonder about him, to think about him. So he’s over-pursuing, and he’s doing this. Every week is the same. It’s like Groundhog Day every week.

If you ever saw the Bill Murray movie, which is a great movie, it’s like every week it’s the same dates over and over. It’s interesting. In Groundhog Day, it was like that. He goes through the same courtship process to get the girl fall in love. Each time he gets better, he uses the same lines, he gets a little further each time and eventually he gets it and they kind of live happily ever after, but not here. You do Groundhog Day dates every week, eventually you dry her up.

She said, “There was not enough romance,” and felt like we had been married a long time.

So right off the bat, if you’re doing salsa dates two times a week and doing Netflix and chill, basically the same two dates three times a week, that’s boring and that’s what happened. You illicited platonic feelings. In other words, there was no chemistry. There was no spark. There’s no mystery. There’s no unpredictableness. You’re reaching out 40% of the time. You’re like a buddy and a pal and you guys have sex, but even though it’s supposedly was the best sex ever, she wasn’t feeling it, but she tried to say that. Did she talk about the romance yet? Let’s keep reading here.

Oh yeah, she did. She said there was not enough romance. In other words, again because it’s the same dates every week is the same thing. I had a girlfriend one time, one of my sweet angel girlfriends from the book. After we got done having sex, we were in the kitchen getting some refreshments because it was like, we went back to my place for a nooner, and she looked at me and she’s like, “Every time I come over, I know it’s going to happen.” I didn’t realize it, but over the course of three or four months, the last three or four months, it’s like we just kind of got into the same routine. She’d come over, she knew how I was going to make a move and start the seduction process. She knew exactly what was going to happen. She could set her watch to it, basically. What she was saying, because she was a good girlfriend, was basically that I need to mix it up. I’m too predictable and boring. So I completely changed my routine up, but this guy for five months did exactly the same dates all the time. So that’s on him.

He read the book five times, so he sounds like a cherry picker, and when it came to pursuing, he probably just bullshitted himself. So he continued to over-pursue and didn’t realize he was over-pursuing, or he did, but he was just ignoring it because he thought he could get away with it because again, he’s probably getting caught up in, “Oh, this is the best sex I ever had.” So he’s like, “Hey, I’m the man.“

So I probed further and she said I did not communicate enough during the day…

Yeahh…

…And she felt like I didn’t care enough about her.

Again, a woman gives an explanation. He’s like, “What?” No, she dumped you because you dried her pussy up. There’s no spark. It was like, “Oh, I miss you. I can’t wait to see you.” That never happened. You didn’t build enough sexual anticipation where she had a burning desire to be with you.

On the days we were not together, we probably exchanged a few texts and I did about 40%.

Again, it’s too much. When it’s 50/50, platonic feelings and friend-zone are the result. So I would say more than likely you were probably close. If I look at her actions, you were probably close to 50/50 and not 60% her 40% you because again, we tend to bullshit ourselves and he’s trying to sugarcoat things so he doesn’t have to acknowledge any fault in this. I can see right through it because I can look how she’s behaving and go, “Oh, I know exactly what the problem is.”

This is why it’s so hard for men to understand what the hell they’re doing wrong with the women that they’re with, because if a guy was just kind of casually dating her and she says, “Oh, you need to contact me more,” he’ll contact her more then he’ll get, “I’m just not feeling it. There’s something missing. You’re a great guy,” but what’s happening is he’s not away from her enough. He smothers her too much. He pursues too much to the point where he just seems like a buddy and a pal. On top of that, it’s the same date every week. It’s Groundhog Day every week in their relationship.

She also said one of her love languages is words of affirmation and I did not say enough things to her.

Again, she’s giving him a logic and a reason. You know, a logical, reasonable sounding explanation. At the end of the day, we know that these things are not going to cause her to like you more. He was already doing too much by what’s in the book, and her feelings didn’t really go anywhere. Remember, she was five months in and still wasn’t in love. She only said it once, but that was the tequila talking.

I did call her beautiful a few times, but that is about it.  The sex was pretty good, but I only complimented her maybe twice.

Again, it’s too much pursuit and you’re just boring. It was the same thing. It was like, you kind of treat her like a booty call and a salsa partner. You’re like a buddy and a pal, and it just didn’t stimulate her emotions enough. So she gave you some explanations that sound logical and they sound reasonable, but you just weren’t following the book. It was too much unattractive behavior, my man.

So how does someone become so abrupt and end it so fast? Is she a fruit loop or did I drop the ball somewhere?

Well, you were over-pursuing. You’re the one that said you read the book five times. Yet multiple times in your email, you acknowledge you did 40% of the pursuing, but if I look at her actions, her actions are the actions of of somebody that was pursued 50/50, meaning she reached out to you first 50% and you reached out to her 50%. So it was like roommates, pals and buddies, and that’s why she told you it felt like you were an old married couple. It’s just because you did the same boring things every week. You didn’t change it up at all. You put no thought or originality into it. So that’s on you. You can’t cherry pick from the book, be lazy and then be shocked that you get dumped because you dried her up.

Of course, I never saw this breakup coming.

Well, as soon as I saw the 40% in the beginning of the email, I was like, he probably got friend-zoned or dumped at some point, and it’s so predictable. It’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west. You can set your watch to it.

Thanks a bunch for all you do. I’m 60 and my life would have been much different if I had known your material when I was younger.

Bob

Well, mine too, but it is what it is.

If I were you, you’re in no-contact. Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Don’t call her. Don’t text her for any reason. You don’t need to say anything else. If she reaches out, assume she wants to see you. Invite her over to your place. Make dinner together. Hang out, have fun, hook up. She has to come to your place at least three dates in a row. As long as you hang out, have fun and hook up all three times, then you can meet her out and pick her up after that, but you got to let her do 100% of the contact initiation. If you do that, you’ll see a complete attitude change and an attitude shift. You’ll see her enthusiasm go up, even if she complains about how much work she’s doing and how you never reach out to her. At the end of the day, they say they don’t like it, but their actions show you that it really fucking turns them on.

It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. You can’t be boring and dull, do the same fucking date every single week, call a woman 40%, 50% of the time, initiate contact 40% to 50% of the time and be shocked that she views you through a platonic friendship lens. In other words, she basically says, “I’m at the point where I don’t feel enough attraction to you,” or she doesn’t want to have sex with you, despite the fact she claimed it was the best sex she’d ever had. So she says one thing, but her actions tell us her interest was low, and since we know the book and you gave enough snippets of what you were doing wrong in here and you didn’t even realize it that now we know.

Even if he hadn’t revealed the 40%, all he would have to do is look at her actions, and I could tell yeah, she’s just not feeling it. Pursuing too much. You can’t do that. You got to be different. You can’t do the same date every week and then be surprised that you get dumped for being boring.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.