The right way to get dates through text, and things to avoid that lead to rejection.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says he wants to challenge what I teach about texting to set up dates. He didn’t follow what I teach and decided to do it his way, which led to his getting ghosted, instead of getting a date from a woman who was clearly interested in him when they met.
He shares their text exchange and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Obviously, he ended up getting ghosted and blown off. So, this is the wrong way to set a date – or try to set a date, in this particular case – because you’ll see, once I read the text exchange you’ll be like, that just doesn’t sound right. So, I don’t know where where he got it from, but it’s important to do this right. Because this guy walked up to her randomly in the park, started a conversation, had a good conversation for about ten minutes, and he gave out his number, (I don’t think he had his phone with him). A little while later she texted him, and then he just totally fumbled the football after that.
So, this is how to avoid unnecessarily shooting yourself in the foot after you took the risk and tried to pick up a girl up in person. This is a good one to learn from. This is what not to do.
How are you?
Doing swell, thanks. Obviously, better than you. I’m just breaking your balls a little bit, because you kind of deserve it with this email.
I want to challenge your approach to texting. I hope you consider this for a newsletter. I met a chick at the park yesterday. She was reading a book, so I approached and told her she looked super cute and started chatting.
So, he was directing. He was decisive, he noticed what he liked about her and told her, “You’re super cute,” not holding anything back. As soon as that comes out of his mouth, she knows he’s there because he finds her attractive. There’s no flying under the radar, trying to act like he’s just coming out to make small talk. He’s being direct and decisive and getting to the point.
We talked and laughed for around 10 minutes about non-serious topics, and then I gave her my number because I didn’t have my phone at the time. Then, I left. A half-hour later she texted me.
This is all a good sign. Great job for having the guts to go up to a random girl in the park who’s actually reading a book. A lot of guys would be very intimidated to try to approach a woman who’s on her phone or doing something, because they wouldn’t want to bother her. But if you’re showing up, you’re there to brighten her day. You’re there to invite her out with the best time that she could ever have.
Her: “Hey! I am the girl from the park! Ha-ha.”
Him: “Hey girl from the park!”
So, what he says next is just kind of cringe.
Him: “Cool, we will get together to have a beer, or ice cream, or both one of these days. How are you finishing your day? I ordered a pizza.”
After that, no response.
The silence is deafening. If it was me and she’s saying, “Hey, I’m the girl from the park,” I would have said, “Hey, girl from the park, we should definitely get together to meet up for some drinks. I’d love to see you. What’s your schedule like? When are you free?” That’s it. That’s all you’ve got to do. Simple as that.
I am sure the approach was fine.
Otherwise, she wouldn’t have texted me later.
Yeah, everything was great up until your reply.
It is kind of frustrating to think that I have to always be considering the subconscious cues I am “communicating” with every single text.
In that sense, he’s trying to basically disassociate, “I didn’t screw up. It wasn’t me. I’m not the one that farted.” But he’s the one that texted it back. So, you can tell, on some level, he’s going, “Yeah, I don’t think the text exchange was there.”
*Don’t reply too fast.
*Don’t reply too much or double text.
*Be straightforward and very direct.
So, was he being straightforward and direct by saying “We could get together to have a beer, or ice cream, or both one of these days.” Does that sound direct and decisive? It just says, “Someday, I may ask you out” – not direct and decisive. He even knows what to do, but he did the opposite of it.
I get it, she probably didn’t reply anymore because when she saw my texting she thought, “this dude is too nice.”
No, she just thought, “This guy is all over the ice. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. And he seems a little controlling. He didn’t get to the point.”
But why should I constantly fake being alpha with abundance in women when, at the moment, I have none?
Well, if you keep saying things like that, you’re not going to have any. It’s a bad way to go. And you even had written down what you should’ve done, but you did the opposite of it. You’ve got to see things as they are, my man.
The very fact I am approaching a girl is evidence that I have space for women in my life.
Yeah, that’s not the problem. It was you trying to set a date in your texting exchange.
Maybe I am nice and a gentleman, and I treat people with kindness and reciprocity.
You just were not direct and decisive.
What if the texting that I sent is totally in alignment with my feelings at the moment? Shouldn’t I be loyal to what I feel? Isn’t it manipulative to repress what you actually want to say to try to elicit a particular response on women?
Well, the reality is, you wanted to go out with this girl. That’s why you walked up to her. So, if she reaches out, you should be thinking, “Wow, she actually wants to go out with me. I want to go out with her. Let’s make that happen,” in as few steps as possible. Because the longer you try to drag the conversation on, especially if you’re trying to be cutesy in the text, or go on a long, drawn out conversation… and you can even go on the dating apps, there’s lots of women putting in their profiles that drives them up a wall, going back and forth and the guy never gets around to asking her out.
So, this day and age, most women are on text, they’re on the dating apps, they’re messaging, and they’re sick of guys that just can’t get to the fucking point and ask them out. And that’s what you did. You communicated you were just like everybody else, that you didn’t really know what you’re doing. You’re not really direct, you’re not really decisive, you’re not making a definite date.
I mean, even Jennifer and I discussed this on some of the podcasts, because she’s on some of the dating apps right now, and she’s seeing the same thing. Guys just dance around in a circle and they never get around to asking her out. And she’ll even suggest to them, which I’ve told her is not a good idea, because what it’s revealing about that guy is he doesn’t know how to be a leader.
He doesn’t know how to be direct, decisive and get to the point. He thinks he’s got to sit and spin and talk in circles for several weeks or several days, and never gets around to asking you out. You’re just wasting your time, so don’t enable that BS behavior, because you just invite more of it into your life. Until you get the lesson, it keeps happening to you.
She didn’t reply, so the ball is on her court. But how is this a “failure” on my part?
Well, you failed to be direct and decisive and get to the point and go after what you really wanted, which was a date, because, quite frankly, you wanted to be bumping uglies with her. That’s the reality, and you didn’t do that. Instead, you avoided. You just said, “We’ll get together someday.” And so, she’s thinking, “Oh great, another guy that’s going to send a hundred messages to my phone and never ask me out.” That’s probably the impression you gave her.
Why isn’t it a success, even if I don’t ever see her again?
Happy 2022, Corey. You are the man.
Well, it was all great until she texted you. Your response was where you blew it. Because again, just like what Jennifer and I have discussed in several podcast issues is guys just don’t get to the fucking point. And you communicated that you’re just like all the rest. You’re like one of those guys that’s just going to waste her time for probably days and weeks on end and never get around to asking her out.
You just talk about going out “someday,” instead of just saying, “Hey, great to hear from you, I’d love to see you again. What’s your schedule like? We should get together.” Something along those lines? Very simple. Not like what he said, which was “We will get together, have a beer or ice cream or both one of these days.” One of these days? How is that direct and decisive? That’s just leaving it up in the air.
These are the little, subtle differences that make the difference. You’re trying to set yourself apart. And so, if women are constantly complaining that guys never get to the point and ask them out on dates, and then you basically communicate the same thing, that you’re just like all of them, you shouldn’t be surprised that you get ghosted.
Women want a man that knows how to be direct, decisive, get to the point and be a fucking leader. Tell her what you want, and then follow through on it – not dance around in circles and drag it out for several days and weeks. That’s not what they’re looking for.
So, I encourage you to read “How To Be A 3% Man.” Go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, read it for free. Just subscribe to the email newsletter. You can read “Mastering Yourself” also for free by subscribing the email newsletter, and my third book “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations.”
And if you’re having a problem and you’ve got a question or challenge you want to get my help with, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab and order a coaching session with yours truly.
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“When it comes to setting dates, men should be direct and decisive and get straight to the point without beating around the bush, trying to be funny through text or having long, drawn out, boring conversations. A good way to invite a woman on a date is to say, “we should get together for (drinks, dinner, a walk in the park, coffee, etc.), when are you free?” depending on the level of rapport and time you spent together when you first met. The less rapport and time together when you met should mean meeting up. The more rapport and time you spent together should result in you picking her up at home. Never be forceful, controlling or demanding when setting dates. Simply extend an invitation she can accept with enthusiasm or politely decline.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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