The Secret To Effortlessly Building Attraction & Intimacy With Women

How to allow women to seduce you instead of talking them out of it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he struggles with the initial interactions with women when trying to build rapport, attraction and intimacy. He says he doesn’t know what to say or talk about. When this happens he painfully watches as their attraction, openness and interest fades and evaporates.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who says he struggles with his initial interactions with women. In other words, he meets somebody he likes. He’s often going, “What the hell do I say? What do I talk about?” So he has a hard time building rapport, mainly because he’s all in his head, and he’s too worried about whether they like him or not and trying to impress them. So he says, when this happens, which is often he’ll meet girls, he can tell their into him and he just can see it in their face as their enthusiasm wanes. Then they start looking around, looking for their girl friends to save them. Then it just goes, poof! He sees the interest evaporate, and he hates seeing that it’s something he’s gotten used to.

The good news is, to borrow some sales skills. Basically in sales, people that do real great with my stuff are people that are already in sales. They come across it because they already understand basic rapport building techniques. One thing, if you’re not good at this, especially for this viewer, How To Win Friends & Influence People is over 110 years, 120 years old, I think at this point. It’s time tested. It works. It’s a great thing to read to help you because the reality is creating rapport, whether you’re trying to sell a customer on something, you’re trying to sell a prospective employer on why they should hire you or a girl on why she should like and date you, it’s counterintuitive, but most of what you’re doing should be asking questions and just taking a sincere, authentic interest in who she is.

If you really like a girl, what do you want to know about her? What are you fascinated about? You’d want to know her hobbies, her interests, her passions, you’d want to get her to talk about things that she loves and enjoys, talking about things she loves doing for fun, because you want to see her face light up when she talks about things she’s excited and passionate about. Especially when you’re like, “Hey, are you close with your dad? Are you close with your family? What’s your relationship with your father like?” “Oh, I love my dad. He’s my rock. He’s my man. I go to him for everything. I see him every week. I talk to my dad almost every day.”

When you hear things like that, that’s great. When you hear her go, “I hate my dad. I don’t ever talk to him. He’s a narcissist. He’s an asshole,” she just hates her father, she’s never knew him, typically you’re going to get a different experience with a girl like that. Girls who are raised right by their fathers are typically easygoing, easy to get along with, they’re nice, they were raised in a stable family environment, they have a healthy self-esteem, and getting them to talk about things that they like, in other words, you don’t want to sit there and go through all of her ex-boyfriends or all of her relationships that failed or things that didn’t work out in life. You want her to talk about things that she enjoys talking about. Her passions, her loves, people that are close to her, things she loves doing for fun, those kinds of things. It’s not about you entertaining her and proving yourself to her. It’s just taking a sincere and authentic interest.

The other thing that’s interesting, and I wrote about this in 3% Man, on a daily basis, women tend to say about 8,000 words, and us guys tend to say about 2,000 words. So naturally, women are going to be more talkative and emotive just because that’s the way they’re wired. So if you’re one of those guys that worries about it, just get in the habit of asking questions. If you’re out with your buddies and you see a group of girls and maybe you’re ordering a drink at a bar or whatever, “Hey, what are you girls up to tonight? Hey, where are you girls headed? You guys look like you’re out to cause some trouble tonight. What are you celebrating?” Just simple things like that. That just sounds like an innocuous kind of question that anybody could ask.

If the girl thinks you’re attractive, she’s going to want to tell you. Now she’s talking about her girlfriends. They’re talking about the fun they’re going to have that evening. Whatever you make a woman feel, in other words, whatever you talk about, whatever emotions that subject elicits in her, is what she’s going to associate with being with you and around you. That’s why you want to talk about positive things. You don’t want to talk about war, people getting blown up, car crashes, people falling off buildings and going splat or whatever it happens to be, or bad relationships, bad memories, or bad things that happened to you. You want to keep it fun. You want to keep it positive, you want to keep it light and just asking simple questions like, “What are you guys doing? What are you up to? Where are you from? What do you love doing for fun? Are you close with your family?” “Oh, I’m really close.” “What about your dad? Do you have a good relationship with your dad?” “Oh, I love my dad. He’s my rock. He’s my mountain.” I would be like, “Really? Where does your dad live? What does he do? Oh, really? That’s interesting. Well, my uncle does this. He’s also in the same industry. Oh, really?” That’s how the conversation flows.

When you meet a girl, if she’s doing 85%, 90% of the talking and you’re just listening, then you just occasionally drop a question. If a conversation thread starts to die, then you can change the subject and ask her about something else that’s enjoyable. “What’s the best thing that ever happened to you? Where do you see yourself in 20 years? What do you love doing for fun? How’d you meet your best friend? How did that come about? How do you guys know each other?” Just simple questions about that. “Oh, we all met in college.” “Were you guys in the same sorority?” Very simple things. You’re not there to entertain. You’re not a dancing seal. You’re there to take a sincere, authentic interest. If she’s hot, she knows she’s hot, she knows she’s got a great body, she knows most guys are into her and want to sleep with her, but when you take the time to ask her about things that she’s excited to talk about and interested in, she’ll talk your ear off and she’ll love talking to you and think you’re a really interesting person. They’ll say shit like that to you, and you’re thinking to yourself, “She’s like talking 90% of the time and telling me how interesting I am. I really haven’t said much.” That’s how they feel. They feel close to you.

Think about it from this perspective: When you see somebody that you knew maybe you haven’t seen in a while, maybe someone you grew up with, you went to high school, in the store, “What are you doing? Hey, how you been? Are you still working at that place? Are you still with that girl? How’s the kids doing? Are you still living over on such and such street? How’s the house? Did you guys ever put that pool in?” “Oh yeah, we put the pool in.” “How’d that turn out?” You asked questions about the person, the human being, and what they’re doing and what they’re into. When you meet a total stranger and they’re talking to you like somebody you’ve known forever would talk to you, it totally disarms them. It creates rapport. It makes them feel like, “Wow, this person really cares about me and who I am.”

In sales, when you let the customer or prospect talk for 15, 20 minutes about themselves, usually law of reciprocity, they’ll say, “Oh, I’ve been talking so much. I’m so selfish. Sorry. Why don’t you tell me a little about you?” Then they’ll start asking you questions about you. You can tell them a little bit, but then you change the subject and turn it right back around and then continue asking them questions. When you do this, it takes all the pressure off trying to come up with things to talk about. You’re trying to get into whatever it is that she’s into, what she’s excited about, what she’s interested in. When you do that and you get her to talk about things she really likes, loves, and enjoys, she’s going to find you more attractive and think you’re interesting and handsome. They’ll also tell you, “Wow, you’re a really great listener,” and they really like that you’re interested in them.

We all love to talk about ourselves. All human beings do that. So do something that all human beings naturally like to do, which is talk about themselves. Get the girl to talk about herself. Get her to talk about things she really likes, she really enjoys, things that light her up on the inside. If she’s into art, “How’d you get into art? What kind of art do you do? Do you do sculptures? You do painting? Tell me about that. What kinds of stuff do you do? What is your inspiration? How do you decide what you come up with for a painting or a sculptor? What is the process?” If she’s really passionate about it, she’ll love talking your ear off because nobody ever asks them anything like that. They’ll think, “This guy’s amazing. He’s so interesting,” and you’re not really saying anything. So that completely takes away any worry, any doubt.

I often say to guys that have problems or aren’t very good socially, go work a job tending bar or waiting tables. Especially like tending bar, that’s one of the things I learned. I got a job tending bar when I was 21. People would come in, have a drink. “Hey, how you been? What’s new? What’s the latest? How was work today? How’s the business? How’s the wife? How’s the kids?” Most of the time, they’re just doing the talking and they feel like they know you. They feel like you’re a trusted friend and advisor just because you’re taking the time to listen to them. You’re giving them drinks, especially when the bar’s not that busy and they’re telling you their life story, talking about their kids, their stock investments, or whatever it happens to be, and you’re just a good listener. You want to do that. You want to be there. You want to be present for them, because you’re going to get a nice tip because of it.

So the same thing applies. You can really develop those skills, any kind of direct customer service, whether it’s waiting tables, tending bar, some kind of sales or something like that, those are great fields to go into, even if it’s a temporary thing to help you learn to create rapport with other people by just being inquisitive, take a sincere, authentic interest in other people.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

First of all, thank you for your book. I’m on my third read and many of the principles have already helped me a lot, especially with women I had already dated before or had previous relationships with. I’ve been able to keep things going with them much better than before.

My challenge right now is in the very early stage when I first meet women. Over the last couple of years, I focused heavily on improving myself. I got into great physical shape, improved my style, and now I notice that women show a lot more interest than before.

Well, it’s because most people won’t do it. It shows you’re disciplined. Obviously, if you’re disciplined, that’s very attractive to women, especially if you take good care of your body, you look good and you wear nice tight, fitting clothes. Attraction is not a choice. So you optimized your body and you get noticed more than the average dude does because again, you’re more disciplined and you look better. So they’re going to be more enthusiastic to talk to you, which makes you feel good because you could tell that they’re really into you.

When I go out, it’s very common that women look at me when I enter a place, or they find excuses to isolate with me. For example, they say things like, “Walk me home,” “Come smoke with me.” So the interest is definitely there.

So if a girl is saying things like that, all you really have to do is just keep her talking. “What else? Tell me more. How’d that happen? Oh, wow! What happened next?” You don’t really have to say a whole hell of a lot. It takes all the pressure off.

But when we are one-on-one, I often feel like I don’t know what to say to keep the interaction flowing. Sometimes I go too direct too fast and it kills the vibe. Other times I try to be more indirect and playful, but then nothing really happens and the moment passes.

Again. What happens is it sounds like your conversations are getting dull and boring because again, you’re all in your head and you’re thinking about, “How do I become a dancing, performing seal?” You’re not there to be their entertainment. You’re there to talk to pretty girls who you find interesting because you want to see if you like listening to them.

I mean, ideally you want to be with somebody you like spending time with, you’re interested in what they have to say, and their life is interesting. It’ll be harder if you don’t really like what the girl’s got to say, or you don’t like her tone of voice. If she’s got a hot body and you’re thinking about smashing, but you can’t stand listening to her, it’s going to be hard to create rapport in a situation like that. That’s why it’s better to date and spend your time with women who have high interest and who you like talking to.

It feels like I’m doing something wrong in the conversation phase between attraction and escalation.

What would you recommend focusing on in those first one on one moments so that the attraction keeps building instead of fading?

Well, you should definitely read the book because it doesn’t look like you have, but really, it’s just about asking good quality questions. “Hey, where are you guys from? You guys down here?” I live in South Florida. So one of the things one of my closest friends do, he’s just very sincere, very interested in other people, he likes to go out and have a good time, and he’s inquisitive as hell. He likes to know what other people, where they’re from. One of the things he always says, “Hey, where are you guys from? Are you down here on vacation? You live around here? Oh, really? What do you guys do? What part of town you live in?” “Oh yeah. Well, I used to live over in such and such street. That’s where I grew up. In that neighborhood.” “Oh, do you know so and so?” “Oh, yeah, I know that guy.”

When we go out, most of the time, just because I talk for a living, I’m more reserved and quiet, I don’t say a lot. I like to listen and watch him, because he always finds these people and they start talking about what they do and they have interesting careers, things they do for a living. It’s just fun talking to other people and having them tell you their life story. Especially like older couples. When we run into them, we start talking to them, and next thing you know, there’s a whole sea of people around us and we’re just having a good time together. Whereas 10 minutes earlier, when we arrived, we didn’t know anybody there.

So again, when you take a sincere, authentic interest in other people and you’re happy to listen, you’re inquisitive, and you like listening to them, we all love to hear ourselves talk. We all love talking about ourselves. So when you facilitate that in other people, they think you’re awesome and they want to hang out with you, because again, you give off the vibe when you do that, like somebody they’ve always known their whole lives. So you feel safe. You feel like an old friend. You feel like somebody they’ve always known. It drops their guard, they’re more open to you, and it’s very easy to escalate from there, especially when there’s already romantic interest in her towards you. Remember, as the book says, attraction is not a choice.

He says, “What would you recommend focusing on in those first one on one moments so that the attraction keeps building instead of fading?” Asking questions. Being sincerely, authentically interested in the girl. What you’re really trying to do is find out, “Do I like this girl? Is she interesting? Does she got something to say or is she a brain dead moron?” There’s lots of those out there. If you don’t like listening to her and you don’t find her interesting, no matter how hot she is, you’re not really going to have a good time with her. You want somebody that’s the whole package. She’s hot and hot in your eyes because beauty’s in the eye of the beholder. She’s hot, she’s fun to listen to, and she’s interesting. She has something to say, and she’s open.

I’m having a very hard time on what specifically to say.

Well, you’re not supposed to talk. You’re supposed to listen. As they say, “You have one mouth and two ears.” Therefore, you’re supposed to listen twice as much as you speak. Ask questions, get her to talk about things she really loves and enjoys, and you don’t really have to do much. It’s so easy.

I think I’m very logical when learning things, maybe some exercises or improvisation can help me out a little bit? I feel I’m improving when it comes to identify and pass their tests more and more.

Thanks again for your work. It has already helped me a lot.

Bob

Well again, dude, the thing that will take all the pressure off of you is just asking some questions. “Where are you from? What do you love doing for fun? What are you guys up to tonight? Where are you all headed?” Just simple, basic questions like that makes it so easy. If she likes you, she’s going to be happy to talk to you. If she doesn’t like talking to you, again, this is all laid out in the book, if you look at her body language and it looks like she’s just trying to get away, looking for a pause in a conversation, and she doesn’t seem excited to talk to you, you can say, “Hey, well I’m going to get back to my friends. Hey, I’m going to go grab a drink. It’s been nice chatting with you. It’s been nice chatting with you girls. Y’all have a great night. Maybe we’ll bump into each other again.” Take your glass, cheers, and on your way to the next group of people.

If it doesn’t feel good to stick around, if the girl’s boring, then just say, “Hey, it was nice chatting with you. I’m going to get back to my friends,” and then dismiss yourself. It’s very easy to do.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.