The secret to female attraction and how you can use it to attract and keep women you like interested in you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a woman for about seven weeks. Recently, she referred to him as her boyfriend and said they were exclusive in passing a few times. He asked her if she wanted to be exclusive and have him as her boyfriend, and she said yes. They both have kids from previous marriages, so they only get Tuesdays as the only day of the week where they each are kid free for the night.
She is in the process of buying and closing on a house, and they are unable to get together this Tuesday for some quality time. He got upset with her because he wants to see her more. He says she pursues 100% of the time and they talk a lot on the phone. He asks how he should handle the phone calls and texting, even though they won’t be able to see each other during the next week as she completes the purchase of her new home. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This guy is just past about week seven with this woman that he’s dating, and they recently became exclusive. Now he’s divorced and has kids from his previous marriage, and the same thing with her. She’s divorced and also has kids from her first marriage. So they basically have one night a week, Tuesday nights, where neither one of them has any kids and they can just get together, the two of them, and have fun.
So a recent wrinkle got thrown into the process to where she’s actually in the process of buying and closing on a new house, and obviously they weren’t able to get together on Tuesday, and this bothered him. So what I liked about this particular email is he’s kind of right in that area around seven to eight weeks in, and he’s transitioning from casual dating to becoming exclusive. Because he just became exclusive, and he describes how that came about, what she said, and then obviously how he handled it.
But you could tell he’s obviously thinking, “Hey, now we’re exclusive. That means we’re going to be spending more time together.” And what’s going on? The exact opposite is happening. So he got upset with her, and obviously, that’s not going to be helpful to growing the attraction, and I’m going to get into that. Because this is an important topic when you’re transitioning from kind of casually dating to being exclusive and then continuing to go forward.
And in this case with these two, they’ve got the additional wrinkle of having children from other relationships, and so they’ve got custody arrangements and sharing, raising their kids, and so it’s tough for them to get together where it’s just them and they don’t have any kids.
This is a an email that really illustrates the essential need of patience — strategic patience, if you will — because what you’re going to see here is he’s getting uncentered, he’s getting unsettled and he’s getting emotionally upset that he’s not getting to spend time with her. And what’s going to drive that fear? Fear that she’s not going to love him, fear that it’s not going to work out. Whatever kind of preexisting, limiting beliefs and fears that he had, he’s now dealing with them.
Mentally he’s going, “Hey, now we’re exclusive. We should be spending more time together.” And actually at this particular moment in time, right at the two month mark and their relationship, now they’re spending less time together. And obviously that’s bothering him, and he’s not handling it. He’s letting her know that he’s upset about it.
One of the top two or three things — because I used to be in real estate — that people do that are considered the most stressful things, number one is buying a house. Number two, a marriage. Number three, I think is somebody dying. So she’s literally dealing with the most stressful thing, one of the top two or three stressful things you can deal with in life, which is buying a house. And then obviously, he’s not handling it.
If you’re a guy watching this and you’re trying to to grow attraction, this is one of those little ways that your fears, that you think you’ve kind of overcome, kind of seep back in, and they have a negative effect on how you’re showing up. And you don’t want to get diminished, because little things like this, where you communicate you’re diminished, and you’re bothered, and you’re upset, and especially if you get emotional about it, women don’t want to deal with your emotions. They want you to have your shit together. They want you to be happy and grateful, no matter how much or how little time you spend together.
So you’ll see this guy, you’ll see he’s starting to get a little too into her, and he’s starting to display weakness, which is actually going to inhibit his ability to spend more time with her in the future, because he’s getting butt hurt. I mean, things are going to happen. In this case, she’s buying a house, so you’ve got to cool your jets. And most people, I’d say most guys watching this, probably if they’re a lot like me, they’re going to tend to be a little too impatient. They want too much too soon. And especially at this point, this guy is like, “Hey, we’re exclusive.” And he’s thinking he’s kind of past that period. But you’re not.
Because you displayed weakness, it’s obviously going to turn your woman’s stomach, because they want you to be completely indifferent. It doesn’t mean cold and not caring. It just means you’re like, “Oh, it’s awesome. I can’t wait. Once you close, we’ll get together and we’ll celebrate. It’ll be great.” But instead, if you start bringing some drama or getting upset with her, now you’re causing her associate negative feelings with being with you or interacting with you, which is going to lower her attraction.
A man who’s comfortable in his own skin and feels good about himself and his life and where he’s at is going to actually be excited about having the additional time to do other things. He’s going to look at it and say, “Oh, I can take care of these other projects,” or “I can go have a night out with the guys and have some beers with them.” Because more than likely, he’s probably been spending most of his time with her that he’s had free and less time with his friends and his family and other people that are important to him.
So obviously, he’s still new to the work. And obviously he’s talking about my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” which you can read for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the newsletter. And I say read it 10 to 15 times, because if he’s been following me for a few weeks, he’s read it three times, probably trying to cherry pick here and there, look for the right technique, the right strategy to fix everything. You’ve got to understand the philosophy.
So, I have been dating a girl for 7 weeks and over this last weekend she used the words “exclusive” and “boyfriend” in passing a few times. So, after a day or two I said, “So, I heard you use the words exclusive and you called me your boyfriend a few times. Are you wanting to be exclusive and have me as your boyfriend?”
Perfect. That’s the way to handle it, because she brought it up.
She responded with “What do you want?”
Answering a question with a question. Remember, whoever is asking the questions is the one that’s running the conversation. This is a basic tenant of sales, and it totally applies well in relationships. Because she’s kind of, in essence, deflecting. She’s throwing the ball back in his court, “Well, what do you want?”
I laughed and said, “Well, since you brought it up, tell me what’s on your mind.”
Good way to handle it, because now again, he’s taking control of the conversation, being the leader and getting her to open up. It’s like a little game of poker.
Long story short, she said she wanted me as her BF blah, blah, blah, so now we are BF/GF.
Great, so you got the label. What changes? Nothing, really. Because again, you look at what the other person does, not what they say. You guys make the mistake thinking, “Hey,we’re exclusive. Things are going to change. Things are going to get better now.” You just have a label. You put a label on it. Big deal. So excited.
Here is the situation: We are both divorced and our kid schedules are completely the opposite, so we only get one night kid-free on Tuesday nights. She is closing on a house next week, so needless to say she has been super busy, and last night (Tuesday) she was covered with family obligations and new house crap.
So the key is, you can’t be bothered. You’re going to be like, “Oh, cool, now I get to spend time with my mom or my dad, who I probably haven’t paid any attention to since I started dating this girl, or go hang out with the boys.” So when she says, “Oh, I can’t see you this week,” it’s like, “Oh, that’s that’s a shame. But you know what? It’s actually good, because I need to go see my mom and dad,” or “I need to go hang out with my aunt and uncle,” or “I’ve got some projects to catch up on, I’ve got some things around the house I need to do.”
In other words, you want to be excited about it. You’re like, “Oh, I’m sorry we can’t get together, babe.” But also you want to be like, “Oh, cool, I’ve got time to get caught up on some things now.” Because in a way, she’s like “He’s not bothered? He actually seems excited that we can’t get together this week? What does that mean?” That’s what you want her thinking.
You don’t want to be like, “Oh, we can’t get together? What’s going on, man? I thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We’re supposed to see each other all the time now. That’s what it said in the book.” That’s not what you want. No matter what happens, you’re like, “Great! This is awesome.” It’s an opportunity. The eternal optimist is always going to be excited.
She hinted at not being able to have our Tuesday night date the other day, but in my mind I thought she might be able to swing it. She wasn’t able to, and I got a bit irritated. I know, I should have handled it differently and not expected a possible get together as a date, that’s on me. I want to see her more.
Well, that’s part of your problem if it’s not her idea, it doesn’t really matter. What does that tell me about your mindset? A little too much in the approval seeking mode. You’re looking at it as, “Oh my God, now we’re going to spend less time together.” You can’t be upset about it. Even if you are bothered, it’s not going to help your case to be upset, because it shows that you’re losing your emotional center. You’re diminished, you’re mad, you’re pissed off. Instead of being, “Oh, this is great. Wow, I can finally get caught up on some other things.”
You can almost make it make a joke out of it and tease her. It’s like, “Thank God. We’ve been spending so much time together. I finally get my Tuesdays back.” You want to say things like this when you’re talking and joke. And she’s like, “What, you don’t miss me?” You’re like, “Babe, I’m just messing with you. Of course I’d love to see you. But you know, I’ve got a lot of things I’ve been putting off that now I can take care of, and so this actually works out good for me. We’ll both have productive weeks, and then when we get back together, we’ll have more to talk about and catch up with.“
So here’s one little thing that’s coming up that I noticed that is kind of raising brow a little bit…
She pursues 100% of the time, calling me and texting me every day, several times a day.
That’s a good sign.
When she calls, she usually dumps about her family or mainly her new house drama that she is going through. She calls me her “immovable rock always and forever.”
That’s a good sign that she refers to you like that.
So when she calls I mainly just listen compassionately, (Thich Nat Hahn).
I assume you’re saying “you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” Definitely true.
And tell her I am here for her. How do I handle all the calls and texts recently when I know she’s too busy to get together until next week after she closes on her house?
Let me take a sip of the magical “Drama Free Zone” mug. This is one of the new mugs, by the way. Just the the slurping sound of no drama.
So, what you want to look at here is that, as I talk about my book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” which obviously if you would have read it 10 to 15 times, obviously you’re new to my work, so I don’t expect that. But the idea is that you want to match and mirror her behavior. And so, one of the things that’s kind of jumping out at me here with this last paragraph, is that you’re getting a little too reliant on the phone and texting, and so you kind of move into the gay male girlfriend, emotional tampon type of trap.
So if she’s too busy to get together with you, because she’s got all this stuff going on with the house, what should you do? You should match and mirror that behavior. Get busy yourself. And that means you’re going to be less available. You’re not going to return her phone calls in as quickly of time as you normally do. And the same thing with the texting.
Take your time, because scarcity creates value. Remember, you sell her in person, and now because of the house, your relationship has been reduced to just talking and texting. Obviously, you don’t want to make that a habit, but if you’ve been following me for a while, many guys have gotten into that situation, where they just spend so much time talking and texting on the phone, and then they hardly ever get together. And that’s what happens when you’re too easily available, too willing to talk and not spend enough time getting together in person.
Obviously, you both have kids and the logistics just are not matching up. But if she’s busy with a house, you need to be busy with other friends, other family members, work projects, beer night with the boys, darts, pool, whatever you guys do. Go to the gun range, masculine, fun things, whatever it happens to be. You want to match and mirror the behavior.
Obviously, it’s bothering you that you can’t see her, but yet she’s calling and texting you. She’s got time to call and text you, but yet she just can’t make it to spend time together. So therefore, you’ve got to match and mirror that behavior. You’re going to be less available. You say, well Corey, that’s kind of playing games. It’s like, you’re just matching mirroring her. She’s busy with the house. You should be busy as a man being productive with other things, because scarcity creates value. And you look at what a person does, not what they say.
She just asked you to be exclusive. Now, it doesn’t look like she’s head over heels in love with you, but being a little less available, and mysterious and unpredictable will help your situation. The thing to understand is patience here. You’ve got to have strategic patience. You can’t get really butt-hurt and upset. I mean, just because you’ve been dating for two months now doesn’t mean you should automatically be spending every night together every week. Obviously, you both have kids from other relationships and you’re still new. I don’t know. You didn’t say much about introducing each other’s kids to each other. So it’s still it’s still new. It’s still early in the process.
So you’ve got to look at the fact, if you take a step back and you take the ten thousand foot level, and you say, okay, well, what’s going on here? Because if a woman’s head over heels in love with you, it doesn’t matter if she’s buying a house. If Tuesday’s the only night she can get together and the two of you can get your freak on, well, she’s going to make sure she’s available to do that, even if it means she has to get a babysitter or what have you. Because that’s still an option here as well. You can get a babysitter, she can get a babysitter, you can figure it out.
But if you look at it objectively, her solution is “We can’t see each other, but hey, let’s talk on the phone.” And you’ve got to look at that go, “Yeah, as much as I like this girl, I don’t really want to substitute spending a night together with talking on the phone instead or texting. That’s not exciting and appealing to me.” So be busy doing other things. That should be the kind of offer. In other words, she’s kind of countered and said, “Hey, well I can’t really spend time together, but let’s talk in text.” That’s kind of like, ehh, I’m not really excited about those counteroffer terms, so I’m going to kind of let that be. I’m going to say, “I really can’t. Sorry, I’m having dinner with my parents.”
In other words, go do something and be busy maybe spending time on some of the relationships you’ve probably neglected over the last two months. Take your time texting her back. Take your time calling her back. Do things that are a little unpredictable. This is the way it is.
One of the things, when I was I was going through this, it reminded me of a time with a girlfriend I had years ago where we met, we we spent a lot of time together over the course of about a week and a half, two weeks, and then I flew back home, she flew back home, because we didn’t didn’t live in the same state. And we talked about getting together a couple of weeks later, but I was traveling. So I said, “Hey, when I get back in town, I’ll just shoot you an email and let you know what my availability is so you can come visit.”
We spent literally two weeks together and barely spoke over the next couple of weeks until I got back in town, because I was traveling, I had a lot of commitments and I was busy. And so, I sent her an email and she sent me, (like literally within twenty four hours), her flight information, and then a week after that, I just showed up and picked her up at the airport.
We spent all this time together, and you would think logically, well you just spent pretty much 24/7 together for like two weeks, and now you barely spoke for the next couple of weeks. You can’t be bothered by that. I was busy, she was busy. It shouldn’t be a big deal. And then obviously, once I picked her up at the airport, she fucking jumped in my arms and was really excited to see me. So less really is more.
Now, if I had been getting butt-hurt and upset about the fact that we couldn’t get together, and I was calling and texted her all the time, she probably would have been less enthusiastic and less excited to see me. It’s just the way it is, because it was still new. It was early on in the relationship.
And same thing, when you’re casually dating. Say you’re three or four weeks in, and you end up spending a whole weekend together. Say she comes over Friday night, and she stays over, and then you spend Saturday together, you spend Sunday together. And then the next week she’s got stuff going on. Maybe she’s going to a wedding or whatever, and then you guys can’t see each other at all. Are you going to freak out about that? Or are you going to be like, “Oh hey, cool. I’ll just catch up with some other friends,” or you’re busy, you’ve got other things to do. Or if you’re not exclusive, you just go out with somebody else or spend your time with somebody else. You’ve got to match a mirror and look at what the other person is putting into it.
And you can’t let what’s going on in the other person’s life cause you to get upset and think, oh, it’s the end of the relationship or it’s never going to work out. It’s just like, hey, this is life, it’s okay. Infinite patience means maybe it takes three months or four months before things get to the point where she’s staying over with her kids or you’re staying over at her place with your kids. It’s going to naturally happen over time, but it’s going to happen, because she’s going to drive that to happen.
And it only happens when she emotionally bonds with you, when she’s the one doing more of the pursuing. It’s always better if the woman thinks that she’s more into you than you are into her. And what you’ve communicated is that you’re more into her than she is into you. And that’s not going to help her become more attracted. So, I’d become a little less predictable, a little more unavailable. More than likely, after two months, as she probably expects you’re always available to text and talk, be busy doing other things. Be busy with other people, family members, friends, doing things with your kids and other friends’ kids, or whatever happens to be.
And if she’s texting you, text her back and say, “Hey, sorry. I’m hanging out with friends,” hanging out with parents, whatever. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” or whatever it happens to be. Because then she’s going to recognize that, “Wow, he’s not as available as he was.” And at the end of the day, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.
And so the big takeaway is you need to match and mirror her behavior back a little bit similar to what she’s doing to you, because you’re getting a little overly emotional and now you’re starting to display butt-hurt, which is going to cause her to lose more attraction and back away and become less available to you. So, again, matching and mirroring the behavior that she’s displaying will really help solve a lot of the issues, so you can have a drama free zone in your relationship.
So if you’d like to get my help personally, the quickest way is go to my website, UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. And if you don’t have enough to do, you should be reading, “Mastering Yourself” and focusing on your mission and your purpose in life and having a well rounded life. This can really help you, especially if you’ve got too much time in your hands, which it kind of sounds a little bit like this guy does.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Scarcity creates value. The quickest way to get someone’s attention is to remove yours. When it comes to growing a woman’s attraction for you, less really is more. When a man wants to see a woman more than she wants to see him, he tends to try too hard and force things. This causes a loss of attraction and her to back away and test more, because she can sense he is diminished by her lower interest or lack of availability. Women love men who are stable, consistent, happy and indifferent, but grateful no matter how much or how little time they spend together. Men who understand women know that sometimes they will spend a lot of time together, and other times may spend less time together. Either way, they make the best and most productive use of their time. They make time for their women, but if their women are unavailable, they are excited to have the time to catch up on other projects.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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