How to know when it’s time to dump a toxic person, and why you should never feel or take responsibility for the shortcomings of others.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for the past several years. He says applying what he learned from me enabled him to double his income to just under $200,000 per year. He also used what he learned in my book, How To Be A 3% Man, to successfully attract and date the hottest woman he had ever dated. However, despite the numerous red flags she exhibited, he continued to date and become serious with an extremely toxic woman.
Now that they have finally broken up, he is still blaming himself for her shortcomings, serial dishonesty and being delusional in his thinking that he can fix her if they get back together. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
Love your work. You have helped me grow so much, both in my personal and professional life. Your teachings helped me leave a job that was underpaying me,
(That goes back to knowing your worth. If you don’t think you’re worthy of earning more money, you’re never going to ask for a raise, you’re never going to ask to make a lateral move or a promotion, or even express interest. You’re just hoping somebody’s going to give it to you. But if you know you’re worthy of it, and the people you’re working for are a bunch of fucking turds, on your lunch break and throughout the day, you’re going to be contacting potential employers and going to job interviews, because you know you deserve better. Then, once you get something lined up, then you can tell your current employer, “Hey, it’s been great, but I’m giving you my two weeks notice”),
and within a year I doubled my earnings.
(That’s one of the things I talk about in my second book, Mastering Yourself. I go into extensive detail about negotiation skills and how to get any job you want. It’s a career oriented, purpose oriented type of book.)
I now make a little under 200K, and it’s all thanks to you.
This success and confidence also transferred into my romantic life. I started dating beautiful women and met a drop-dead gorgeous girl. I followed your principles, and by week 4 she asked me to be exclusive. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a shit-show and I did not have the strength to walk away.
(I know it’s tough, especially if this is the first 10 you’ve dated, and you’ve never had this experience before. When you start to see all the red flags, it’s hard to walk away from that, because you tell yourself, “I’m going to be different. I’m going to really help her change her life.”
The idea is, you want to see life and your circumstances as they are, not better than they are, and act accordingly. And obviously in this case, you saw this woman as being better. In other words, you fell in love with her potential and what she could be and ignored the reality that there were lots of problems that would preclude her from being the kind of woman that would make a great, long-term girlfriend or potential wife.)
We were together for three years, and about three months into the relationship, and I started catching her in lies.
(I talk about this in my first book, How To Be A 3% Man. People can hide who they are for about the first ninety days of a relationship. The problem is, you get ninety days in, you’re in love and she starts lying to you, but you think, “It’s just one little lie and nobody’s perfect.” The infatuation and the honeymoon period tends to last about six months to a year on average, where no matter what their flaws are, you’re okay with it. But after about a year or so, that infatuation period wears off, and then you kind of see how they are day in and day out.
She was good at masking who she was up until three months, and then you started catching her in lies. But at that point, you had already talked yourself into being in love. You figured, this is great. Everything is going textbook. But when you saw things you didn’t like, you just ignored it. You saw reality as better than it was with her.)
She lied to me about meeting guy coworkers at a bar.
(The only reason she would lie about something like that is because she was probably doing something she shouldn’t be doing. At this point in her life, she’s learned to lie to and deceive the men in her life, and she probably learned that from her parents. She just doesn’t value honesty. She values survival.)
She hid from me that she had lunch with her ex. I’m sober, and she offered to be sober with me, and she lied about drinking with her best guy friend. She doesn’t have a history of cheating, but she is a liar, so it made it hard for me to trust her.
(Well, maybe she does have a history of cheating and she just lied about that too. But the bottom line is, somebody who’s a liar… it doesn’t work.)
I threatened to leave, but never could.
(That’s why it’s important to know what your goals and values are and what you’re willing to tolerate before you get into it. This is why it’s so important to make a list, like I talk about in my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, doing the love letter exercise and making a list of all the qualities you want in a woman and all of the qualities you’re not willing to tolerate. Obviously, honesty should be one of them.
The deal-breaker should be somebody that’s perpetually lying, because if she lies about the little things, you can’t have an honest, open relationship. They’re always worried about what you’re going to think, and if they’re worried you’re not going to like what they say or what they did, their just going to lie to you about it. It’s just better to avoid a confrontation in their eyes.)
She had thousands of amazing traits, but so many red flags.
(I know after ninety days it would have been hard, but you should have pulled the rip cord and got the fuck out of there.)
We often fought about religion and politics, among other issues. When we fought, she would become irrational and lose control.
(Men who understand women don’t argue with them. If you try to talk in a calm manner, and she loses her shit and loses control, that’s when you go, “Honey, I love you, but this is just not acceptable behavior. I’m going to leave, and when you calm down and want to talk, give me a call, because I’m not going to put up with this abuse.)
Once, she pulled a knife on me.
(Come on man.)
Another time, she slammed the breaks while driving 60 mph, and the list goes on.
(And yet you still stuck around. Dude.)
The more we fought, the more I started distancing myself from her. She suffers from depression, and her default mechanism for coping was to threaten suicide. Over the last year of the relationship, I tried breaking up with her 8 times, but always took her back. I was starting to feel depressed also. Rather than caring and listening to her, I was becoming indifferent.
Three weeks ago, she finally broke up with me. She called and said that I didn’t care for her, and that I shouldn’t take her depression personally. I told her that she deserves to be with somebody that can support her emotionally.
(Obviously, your ex-girlfriend needs to be in therapy. She should be some other dude’s problem and not yours bro. This is not the kind of woman you can have a normal, happy, healthy relationship with. You keep making excuses for her behavior. You should google “codependent type of behavior.” People that had alcoholic parents or parents with mental problems get used to making excuses and covering for them.
When you get into a relationship with somebody like this, you’re emotionally anchored and conditioned to think this is normal kind of behavior, so you make excuses. We lie to ourselves and we put up with all kinds of ridiculous bullshit because the thought of being alone or being single is such an unpleasant thought.)
She said that she doesn’t want to be with anybody else and will probably never get married.
(In other words, “I’m probably never going to fix all of my fucked up issues, and therefore I’m not going to be a good wife for anybody.” I mean, deep down, she knows she’s a fucking lunatic. Remember what Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”)
I said I am not interested in being friends, but if she wants to work it out, then call me. It’s been three weeks, and I haven’t heard from her. She blocked me on Facebook and unfriended everyone I know.
(That is awesome. She’s exiting your life. She’s doing you a favor, because you didn’t have the fucking balls as a man to do it yourself.)
She later posted on twitter that I ended it with her. To be honest, not sure who broke up with who?? Its crazy, I know. I want her, but its only bringing me down.
I guess my question is, because I hurt her,
(So you’re taking responsibility for her being a fucking lunatic?),
IF I did want her back, should I stick to no contact, or does this warrant a phone call apologizing for not supporting her.
(Dude, come on man. Seriously. I can’t believe your even asking me that. You should go back and read this email, and go “yeah, a man’s going to write something like this.” The chick pulls a knife, slams the breaks on the car at 60 MPH, “yeah, we can work that out.” Come on dude. You should go see a therapist or a counselor, because that’s not healthy behavior.)
It’s unclear who broke up with who in this case. Any insight that you could provide would be greatly appreciated.
(In this case, I would recommend blocking her back. Block everything. And if I were you, I would see a therapist an a counselor and talk to them about this kind of behavior, because you’re making all kinds of excuses. This is dangerous and unhealthy. Can you imagine a woman like this raising your children? Come on man. Seriously, that is not normal behavior.
This woman is not normal. She sounds like the kind of person that should probably be medicated. She needs a lot of therapy and a lot of counseling, and at the end of the day, it’s not your job to fix her. It’s not your job to take care of yourself and what you can control. Once you’ve done that, then get back in the dating world and start meeting and dating new women. And get as far away from this chick as you possibly can.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“A healthy relationship is the result of two people sharing their completeness, not completing each other. Get to a blissful place where you love yourself, your life, lifestyle, peer group and enjoy being alone. Then when you are in a blissful place and grateful for your life, you can effortlessly attract someone who is also in a blissful place. Like attracts like. You will attract people and circumstances into your life that matches and mirrors your current vibe. You must take care of you and your own happiness first, before you’ll be in the right place to contribute to the happiness of another.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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