Why doing too much too soon and being too serious with a woman leads to her feeling like something is missing or there’s no spark.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says things were going really great with a girl he met on a Christian dating site. However, right before she was supposed to come visit him, she texted a message saying that something was missing from their connection. She said a feeling or spark is missing and told him not only was she not coming to visit him, but that she didn’t want to see him anymore.
He’s shocked and stunned because he thought things were going great and asks what happened. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is a really super important email to understand the concepts that I talk about in How To Be A 3% Man, and how you have to take your time. You can’t get all serious. Because it’s obvious he started treating this woman like a girlfriend right away, putting her on a pedestal. “This is something really special between us,” making a really big deal out of it, and in essence, laying all of his cards on the table, basically saying, “Yeah, I’ve already decided I want to marry you, and we’re going to live happily ever after.” He’s giving off that vibe.
What’s happening is he’s giving off the vibe that he’s way more into her than she is into him. And most women have been on enough dates with enough guys to know when guys start acting this way and when they start acting dopey, they get very clingy. They oftentimes will get angry and upset when the woman backs away. And so, when you give that kind of a vibe off, she’s been through that enough times with enough other guys to know that it never ends well. And it usually brings up awkward and weird situations, so it’s just best to cut it off and move on.
So, obviously we’re going to try to prevent that from happening for the people that can learn from this particular email. It looks like there was definitely a connection between the two of them, but he started acting dopey and went into La-La Land, and it didn’t end well for him. So, it’s a good email to learn what not to do.
A good suggestion to tie all the concepts from both of my books together is the Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations book that’s now out. I encourage you to get the audiobook, especially, so you can listen to it, because it’s got all of the topics of the dating, relationships, and pickup stuff that’s in How To Be A 3% Man, as well as all the self-reliance topics that are in Mastering Yourself. And it does a good job of tying them together to help you become a well-rounded human being.
I’m a big fan, read your book…
Obviously not 10 to 15 times, because we wouldn’t be reading this email.
…and ever since I discovered your work, I have been more confident and been landing more and more dates.
This can be a problem, because you’ve probably heard me say before, success is not a good teacher. Failure is a good teacher. So, this guy read my book once, it sounds like, he’s watching videos. He’s starting to have a bunch of success and saying, “Wow, I’ve got this. Wow, this really made a big difference. I don’t need to read this 10 or 15 times. I’m good.” And so, he proceeds to put the hammer down, put the pedal to the metal, and it doesn’t end well.
However, the last two girls that I have dated have ended up saying this to me in the end. They tell me that they don’t feel a romantic connection and that we shouldn’t continue dating.
Too much, too soon, too clingy. Women don’t go from being into you and then saying things like that unless you came on too strong, and unless you started being too serious and too dopey.
The first girl that said this to me happened rather early in our relationship.
So, notice he’s thinking it’s a relationship, even though they only went out on a few dates. That’s another part of his problem. He’s thinking, “I’ve got to lock this girl down. I’ve got to get her into a commitment. She’s going to be my girlfriend.” Because he’s not thinking, “Do I like this girl? Is she good for me?” He’s thinking, “How do I get her to like me?” Two completely different mindsets. And the latter is not going to bring you success.
And it didn’t really bother me. However, the most recent girl who told me this was with me for longer.
Notice how he’s thinking she’s his girlfriend, even though they only saw each other three times.
And she said it to me out of nowhere.
So, that tells me he has zero self-awareness, no sensory acuity, and that’s what happens when you read the book one time. Because it’s like, it can’t be your fault… you read the book! Even though you only read it once, instead of 10 to 15 times. This is what the ego does. The ego gets in the way and says, “Hey, it’s not my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
She told me that she doesn’t feel a certain spark, feeling, or connection yet.
You have to let women come to you at their pace. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.
This really stung. She told me this the day that she was going to visit me at the college I go to.
Yeah, right on the day of the date. So, she’s not feeling good about the whole thing. He’s all excited, jumping through his butt. He’s like, “Woo hoo! My girlfriend’s coming!”
Things were going amazing with this girl.
You’re a little delusional, my man. That’s why you’ve got to read this book 10 to 15 times.
We met on a Christian dating app. Turns out we were both very active and adventurous. I just moved in for my last semester of college. I went home a couple weeks after to meet her in-person for the first time, and it was an amazing date in all ways!
Or so you thought. See, this is a guy who’s paying attention to his interest, but ignoring her interest. And since he only went through the book once, he just assumed that, since she was spending time with him, she felt the same way. He wasn’t looking to see the signs that she was feeling the same way. He just assumed it, to his own detriment.
The week before she texted me about the connection issue, I went back home to visit her, and it was an amazing experience!
Notice how he’s super excited about how amazing their dates are. It was amazing for him, obviously.
We both were having tons of fun together, and she was even telling me how much she liked me, what she liked about me, and things she couldn’t wait to do with me in the future.
But at the end of the day, if you read “How To Be A 3% Man” 10 to 15 times, you know that it only applied in that moment. That’s what she was feeling in that particular moment. Guys just assume that means she’s going to feel that way forever. Bad way to go.
I was a little shocked, because by using your methods…
He ‘thinks’ he’s using the methods. He cherry picked, and he didn’t follow instructions.
…this is the most a girl was interested in me! I’ll attach the conversation to you in this email with this girl to look at. I’ve been thinking about whether I should reconnect with her in the future…
“Oh, I think I’m going to continue over pursuing, because that worked so well the first time.”
…because getting along with her was natural and there was never a dull moment. She would 100% agree with this.
Dude, you are totally projecting your interest, and you’re ignoring what happened.
So, from what I told you, I know I shouldn’t contact her for now.
No, you never contact her again for any reason. Again, you’re cherry picking, dude.
But I definitely think we were moving very fast.
‘You’ were moving very fast, and that is your problem. You didn’t follow the instructions, because you didn’t read them. You probably skimmed the book once and you’re like, “I’ve got this. Girls are definitely liking me more. I don’t need it any more. I’ve got it.”
After thinking about it, I really need to work on myself and I can’t put a huge commitment in a relationship.
Dude, it’s not a relationship. Going out on a couple of dates with a girl is not a relationship. A relationship typically happens after about two months of dating, and that’s provided you follow what was in the book and it was actually her idea.
I’m finishing up school, I’m rehabbing a broken leg, I lead a sports club, and I’m trying to make a good first impression while training for this job I have lined up after school. I believe it takes time and patience to grow a romantic connection.
Well, it does, but it only does if you actually follow the instructions in the book.
Sometimes it happens sooner than later.
That’s what he’s thinking, “It’s happening way quicker than Corey said in his book. I don’t need it because I’m special.”
We can’t build it through FaceTime and seeing each other every few weeks.
He’s probably doing a lot of FaceTiming with her thinking, “this is fine.” If you just met and you can’t see each other but every few weeks, I might be doing one FaceTime chat every week, week and a half. Think of that as a date as well. But if you’re constantly FaceTiming each other, constantly texting, it’s not going to end well, dude.
I only have one semester left, and then I’ll go back home with a really good job lined up right out of school. We just got along so naturally that I believe that we definitely can have that romantic connection.
In other words, “I’m going to keep trying to pursue this girl really extra hard, even though she doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
Help me in what I should do and how I can have a romantic connection with her in the future.
It’s like, dude, you’re just not paying attention.
So, I’m going to go through his text exchange. This is literally, I assume, hours before she’s supposed to arrive, and in his mind, he’s like, “Oh, all the amazing things we’re going to do this weekend. This is awesome. I can’t wait to see my girlfriend.”
And you can even see, the name at the top of the screen says “Girlfriend.” So, he’s even labeled her in his phone as his girlfriend after three whole dates. He probably did that when he first met her. And so, here’s her, “Oh, I’m so sorry!”
HER: “Bob, I’m so sorry about this, but I need to tell you that I won’t be coming to visit today. I’ve been debating it in my head for the past couple of days, and I just think that when we last hung out, even though I had a really good time and we got along, there’s just something missing in the connection between us.”
In other words, she didn’t have enough time and space away from him to wonder about him, and to think about him, and for her feelings to grow.
“It caught me off guard because our first date went so well, but I do think I need to go with my gut.”
It’s all about the feelings. They don’t care how much you like her or what a good guy you are.
“I’m so, so sorry and I know this is going to take you off guard and I’m terrified of hurting you in any way, but I don’t think we should date. I’m really, really sorry.”
HIM: “I’ve been praying and talking to people I love about what you said to me yesterday. It sounds like right now, I don’t meet the expectations you have for a relationship. We’re both independent people and we’re just in different places in our lives right now. I’m not angry or upset. I completely forgive you.”
“I forgive you for wronging me.” So, his whole mindset is relationship, locking her down, this is something really serious, instead of just, “Hey, we’re just kind of getting to know each other.” So, it’s obvious she felt the pressure from him to live up to the unreasonable expectations of the girlfriend he expected her to be.
HER: “I think I was looking for some kind of feeling or spark that was missing. I’m so sorry. Also, in the past I think I’ve felt this way with other guys, and I just ignored it and assumed it would go away or we’d break up for other reasons, and that ended up prolonging some relationships longer than they should have been.”
So, like I was saying in the beginning, most women have been on enough dates with enough guys to know when that feeling or the spark is not there. But they just kind of ignore it and they go along with it for a while, thinking it’ll get better, and it doesn’t. And so, here she is, feeling the same way about yet another guy, and she knows it’s not going to get better, so she might as well rip the Band-Aid off now.
“I get so scared of hurting people’s feelings that sometimes I end up inadvertently hurting them even more.”
HIM: “With everything on my plate right now, (school, cross country/track club, leg rehab, and new job), I can’t commit myself to a relationship and build a romantic connection. That takes time and patience. I mean, we have only seen each other three times in person. Getting along was very natural and we have a lot of common interests, (we made a whole To-Do list).”
They made a whole To-Do list together. Again, something way too serious. Dude, you saw each other three times? Come on.
HER: “That is true. I really did have a good time hanging out with you. (Single tear emoji)”
So, this is definitely not the way to behave with women. But everything around about this guy is locking her down, being ultra serious, and it just blew up in his face. So, he did the opposite of what my book teaches, even though he’s thinking “I did everything right.”
And so, when he reads the book again after this latest stinging rejection, when he goes through it, he’ll be like, “Oh, I should have listened to Corey. I should have focused on hanging out, having fun and hooking up.” I don’t see anything on this mug about a relationship, do you? Nope, nothing about a relationship, or locking a girl down or being serious. It’s actually says, hang out and have fun and then hook up. There’s nothing about moving in together, or marriage, or relationships or commitment.
That’s your job, men. Hang out, have fun and hook up. The relationship will take care of itself when she feels ready. But when you try to make a mad dash for the finish line, you’re going to get bounced almost 100% of the time, unless you’re dating a girl who’s incredibly insecure.
So, I encourage you to go read “How To Be A 3% Man.” It’s free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. You can also read “Mastering Yourself” for free there, as well as the sweet “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations,” my latest and greatest, as well.
And if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“A woman needs time and space away from a guy to wonder about him and think about him in order for her romantic feelings of attraction to grow. A woman doesn’t care how much a guy likes or desires her. She only cares how she feels about him. If a guy gets too serious too soon and starts treating her like a girlfriend and being all serious when they only just met for a few dates, she will back away, test and often dump him because she feels something is missing or that there is no chemistry or spark due to her feelings and emotions not being engaged. A man should move slightly slower than the woman does when dating to give her the time, space and patience for her feelings to grow slowly over time.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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