Things Are Moving Too Fast & We Want Different Things Right Now

What it means when a woman you are dating says things are moving too fast and you want different things right now.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He started dating a girl he really likes about a month ago and has over pursued her, smothered her and acted needy and clingy. He is constantly seeking her attention and validation. He even tried locking her down to a relationship and is treating her like a girlfriend, when she is just casually seeing him. She says things are moving too fast, she’s got a lot going on and that they want different things right now. He knows he’s over-pursued, but continues doing it anyway without realizing that he is driving her away. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Things Are Moving Too Fast And We Want Different Things Right Now.

Well, obviously, if you’re dating a woman and you hear something like that, or a combination of words or phrases that are something like that, that is definitely sub-optimal. And what that typically means, is you’re over pursuing and you’re smothering her and she’s trying to communicate that we’re in different places. You’re way more into me, than I’m into you. And women don’t care about what a great guy you are. They only care about how they feel about you.

And so, this I got an email here from a guy who I believe is brand new to my work. And so, whatever amount of studying he has done, he’s recognized that he’s pedestalized her. He’s chasing her. He’s over pursuing. But he hasn’t really changed up his approach. And so, if you kind of take a step back and look at it, his whole problem is his demeanor.

And as I talk about in 3% Man, a man’s job in the courtship is really just to create the next opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and then to hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be kissed and touched and ultimately seduced.

And guys that don’t know any better, guys that have been brainwashed by social media society, what you see in TV, in the movies like we all have, are going to be unaware of this.

And so, they’re emotionally anchored and conditioned to over pursue to the point where they act like a needy, insecure girl. And instead of letting women come to them at their pace, they chase women right out of their lives, which is basically what this particular guy is doing. He’s chasing this girl away to the point where she’s like, uh, she just feels smothered and she’s trying to get away from him.

And even though he recognized that, his vibe really hasn’t changed at all and so he’s not done the things to cut out the unattractive behavior, because obviously he hasn’t gotten into the book yet and really started to learn and identify what he’s doing wrong. So, let’s go through his email because this is a pretty common thing that a lot of guys come to my work are guilty of doing.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

You’ve heard the story a million times so I’m going to try to only include important details. Met a girl three months ago, first girl I’ve ever truly fell for after being a player for years, things were great, saw her 1-2 times a week max, then I messed up.

Went to visit her two hours away. Stayed for four days. I told her I want to be exclusive.

Well, as you would know or will learn from The Book, relationships, bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, dating, relationship labels, dating labels, that’s all commitment. That’s all-feminine energy. And it’s just not appropriate for the guy to be bringing it up. Even though society, and the media, and TV, and movies tells us that it should be us trying to lock the girl down, otherwise some dude’s going to come along and steal her from us.

And so, what happens is the guy’s come off as very needy, very clingy, very insecure, and this guy is treating her like his mommy, like he constantly needs attention and validation. In other words, he won’t feel good about himself today unless he gets confirmation from her today that she still likes him. And the same thing tomorrow. He won’t feel good about himself or where he’s at in his relationship with her unless he gets confirmation from her. And this is what a needy guy does.

In other words, his validation, his self-esteem comes from her liking him. And when it looks like she’s not liking him, then he’s going to be distraught and emotionally twisted up in knots. And as a man, when you’re emotionally twisted up in knots over a girl, it makes it really hard to focus on your purpose and your mission and your work and be the best that you can be so you can ultimately reach your full potential in life.

So, it’s super important that you don’t pressure women and you don’t behave this way because you literally chase her away and turn her off to the point where she has no attraction for you.

And her feelings are one of either complete platonic friendship or she’s so repulsed. She just she just goes you and doesn’t want anything to do with you. Because you start to move over to the stalkerissh type of territory.

I told her I want to be exclusive. She said, “I want to talk longer.”

So, it’s like hanging out for four days and you’re like, “Let’s be in a relationship now.” It’s like, “No, no,” she should be bringing it up, like one of my favorite old time movies, It’s A Wonderful Life from 1946. It’s the. It just shows the perfect balance of a woman who decides what guy she wants because women do the choosing. We may pick who we want to date, but at the end of the day, it’s ultimately the woman who chooses us.

So, we want to create the conditions where she chooses us. And the way a woman will choose us, is if she has to work for us, not where you spend four days and you go, “Okay, I’m ready to be in a relationship now.” You’re not giving her the space to choose you. You’re doing everything because you’re afraid you’re going to lose her to another guy.

And you’ll see later on when I get further on down in the email. That’s exactly his mindset. He reveals it in his email he’s worried about, because she’s really hot, some other guy coming along. So, he’s in a rush. A man who has choices and options with women is not going to be like that. He knows just because she’s hot and fun doesn’t mean that she’s the perfect girlfriend, or perfect future wife.

He’s going to be selective. He’s going to take his time. He’s not going to be in a rush to commit to any one girl. He wants to explore his options. He wants to make an intelligent, informed decision and not get involved in anything that he’s going to have to back out of because he didn’t do a good job of vetting her in the beginning.

She ended up pulling away over the course of the next four weeks.

Yeah, because he’s ready to be in a relationship and she’s like, “I’m not there yet.” She’s just not feeling it. And again, it doesn’t matter if this is he’s a great guy and he’s successful. The only thing that matters is she’s not feeling the same way and he’s trying to get her to commit to something that her feelings are just not there to justify it. That’s the bottom line. But if guys don’t understand how women phrase these things, it’s not going to make any sense to them.

Because when a woman says, “I want to talk longer,” guys are like, “What else is there to talk about? I’m ready. What’s going on? What’s the problem? I’m ready to do this. Aren’t you? What?” So, they think I’m going to talk her into it? Let’s just let me solve. Oh, this is a problem to solve. Let me just ask her a bunch of questions and try to get her to commit to it. It’s like you have to let her develop these feelings on her own.

I chased her but it could have been worse.

That’s the worst thing you can do when a woman backs off and says, “I want to talk longer,” and then you start chasing. And the only reason he’s chasing, because he’s afraid he’s going to lose her. And what you fear you attract, but what you look at disappears. In other words, you want to be okay with losing or you have to get to the point where you can do without her, you want her to choose you mutually as well.

We talked about it three or so times, I asked if she was good, she said yes, then I asked why she’s been distant, she said she’s going through a lot.

That’s typically what women say. They’re not going to come out and say, “Well, quite frankly, you’ve been acting like a needy little bitch. And it’s turned me off to the point where my pussy is now drier than the Sahara Desert.” They’re not going to say that. They’re just going to come right out and say, “I got a lot going on right now,” or “I’m going through a lot.”

She told me multiple times that things are moving too fast, and she needs to slow down.

Right there, she’s trying to communicate, “Dude, pump the brakes. Stop being in a mad dash to the wedding altar.” It’s like, it’s not going to work. Dude. She likes him. She’s trying to help him, but he’s obviously not getting the message because she’s having to repeat herself. And when she’s repeating herself, this is the kind of thing I think it’s going to cause her to go, “You’re not listening to me. You never listen to me.” He’s like, “What are you talking about? I’ve been here the whole time.”

Although she is going through a lot (Dad isn’t healthy, traveling with family, going back to college in two weeks and it’s two hours away.) I understand that’s not the reason she’s distant. She’s distant because I chased, smothered, and put her on a pedestal (even though I never once blew her phone up or anything.)

You didn’t have to. It’s your demeanor. It’s what you’re saying you’re trying to get her to. You spend four days with her and you’re like, let’s. Let’s be in a relationship. And then she says, I’m not there yet. And then you’re using logic and reason to talk her into it. You can’t negotiate interest. It’s just like you can’t negotiate with the oven to bake your cake without turning it on and giving it the time. It doesn’t work that way. Put the cake in the oven and let it bake. You must let women come to you at their pace. And it’s all laid out in the book explains this process.

She texted me saying we want different things right now, she has a lot on her plate and doesn’t want to add to it, she goes back to college soon, and she just needs time to think.

So, when a guy hears that, he’s like, “Okay, a few days, a week or two,” he’s expecting to get resolution. And when she says she needs time to think, what she’s really saying is, “I need time to be present with my feelings and let them develop and stop trying to fucking rush me.”

Supposedly what broke the ice for her was when I got a new car and posted a video on twitter of me driving it in the mountains of Sedona, AZ, where it showed the back of her head, no face.

So, in his mind, this is going to be my girlfriend. And so, he’s already posting pictures even though it’s from her in the back. She’s like, “I’m not ready to post you on my social media yet.” And you’re trying to act like we’re in a relationship on your social media. That’s over pursuing, and that is not respecting what she said. You have to be man enough to recognize that she’s not where you’re at. The goal is you want to go slightly slower than she is, and this dude’s going way faster because he’s totally driven by fear, and deep down, he just doesn’t feel like he deserves to be with her.

So, everything he’s doing and saying to her and the vibe he’s giving off, the tone of his voice is trying to make up for the fact that deep down he doesn’t feel worthy. And so, the more he acts unworthy, eventually she’ll be like, “No, you’re right, you’re not worthy to be with me.” And she’ll get turned off to the fact where she’ll just ghost him.

I told her to call me, she did, we talked about it for a minute. Not much was said. Next day after I thought about it, I texted her,

Because he’s over pursuing again. The phone is for setting dates.

I texted her, and told her to call me again. She did. We talked for 30-40 minutes.

Because, again, the whole thing is, “I got to lock her down, I got to lock her down. I get her to commit, I get to get her to act like she did a few weeks ago.” So, he’s trying to fix something. This is called the illusion of action. And now he’s calling her every day, even though he’s saying, “Hey, call me.” He’s still reaching out. He’s still pursuing. A guy should never be doing more than 20 to 30% of the pursuing in the beginning. And he’s doing the opposite. It looks like he’s doing 100% of the pursuing.

We talked for 30-40 minutes. I told her how I felt about her, what she brought to my life, and that I understand that I didn’t respect her word about taking things slower.

Yeah, but your actions still communicate, you’re not slowing down. You can say that you’re cognizant of her concerns, but if you keep behaving the same way, you’re going to keep turning her off. And that’s why she keeps repeating herself. Because you’re not getting it. It’s not getting through. You’re not really changing your approach. You’re throwing words at her to communicate, “Oh, yeah, I understand where you’re coming from,” but you’re not changing your actions, so you’re not getting the message.

I told her I realize what the problem was and to text me if she changes her mind. Again, I fucked up.

I would have said, “Text me if you change your mind.” Again, this is what happens, you cherry pick, you’re trying to copy and paste phrases you hear from my videos, without really understanding what the fuck they mean or what the proper context is to apply them. There are no shortcuts to success. Dude, you got to read The Book.

If you’re not interested in reading The Book, you’re not a serious student and so you might as well unsubscribe and go follow somebody else. What I teach is not a quick fix. You’re not going to be able to half ass the things that I teach because these are major concepts and overcoming a bad mindset if you want to be successful in the long term.

Now she is in Mexico with her family, posting provocative bikini ass pictures on Instagram for the first time ever and of course guys are commenting. She still watches and likes my Instagram stories.

So, what that means is there’s still interest on her part. You haven’t driven her away completely, but you’re doing a good job of chasing her right out of your life.

We haven’t talked for about a week now. I feel like I have 2 options.

Well. You told her to text you if she changed her mind and she’s not going to text you and go, “Oh, I changed my mind. Let’s be in a relationship.” She’ll just text you. Probably go, “Hey.” Or something along those lines. And as The Book says, if a woman’s reaching out to you, you should assume she wants to see you and make a date, hang out, have fun, hook up. Pretty simple.

1) no contact, obviously

Well, you’ve got to be congruent with what you told her, because if you say, “Hey, text me when you change your mind or if you change your mind,” and then you wait a week or two and then you reach out again, it’s like you’re not congruent with the statement. Nothing’s changed in your behavior. You’re still over pursuing. You got to be man enough to create the conditions where either she follows through on the commitments. In other words, she gets in contact if she changes her mind, or you give her the opportunity to flake out and never, ever hear from her again.

And so, the fact that she’s still watching your stories shows she’s still engaged, she’s still interested. So have the balls to just sit back, relax, call your mom, go see your friends, go to the gym, read a Book. Organize your sock drawer. Get busy doing something to get your mind off things. It’s actually going to be productive and help you achieve your full potential.

2) I have considered calling her.

Of course, you have.

When she is back from vacation and before she goes back to college. Essentially, I just wanted to call her, ask about her trip, keep it lighthearted, then tell her I’m free at 6pm that Friday and I want to pick her up for dinner.

That’s so controlling, dude.

I don’t want to talk about our previous situation. Consider it a clean slate.

Again, you’re still trying to talk yourself into chasing her. You already told her to get in touch, and you got to have the balls to be congruent with that.

Normally I would never consider calling but I feel like since she goes to college 2 hours away and is an insanely attractive girl, I may have to throw some bait out before I go completely no contact.

Bro. Seriously, dude, that is absurd thinking. That’s how a beta male thinks. That’s how a guy who doesn’t feel like he’s worthy of her choosing him, is going to think You’re trying to force things.

You’re trying to force interactions. You’re trying to force yourself into her life and you’re ignoring the fact that she’s backed off completely because you’ve turned her off. You have to give her the space to reach out to you in the future, and be congruent with what you said you were going to do or to disappear forever. But the fact that she’s still looking at your story shows there’s still a chance she’ll probably reach out in a few weeks. It doesn’t matter if she goes away to school or whatever, and she’s insanely hot, she’s going to be most interested in the guy that she has to work to get. And besides, you’re still in the vetting process and you don’t even know if this woman has any integrity anyways. You don’t know if she’s girlfriend material. It’s like you just haven’t spent enough time with her. You don’t know these things.

This girl is a smoke show.

So what? Lots of girls are smoke shows, but they’re absolutely hell on wheels and crazy as shit.

Half Latina, hourglass figure, great body, and gets PLENTY of attention. She has guys asking for her number just walking down the street when we’d be on the phone.

What do you think I should do here? Am I fucked?

Bob

It’s like you may be fucked, but you fucked yourself because you’re still trying to justify reaching out and pursuing. You’re still trying to justify not changing your approach, and you’re ignoring the fact that the way you’re doing it, it’s not working for you dude. You need to read The Book in between now and the next time you hear. I mean, if you got the audio book and you put it on to speed and you follow along in a digital or physical copy, you can get through the book in four hours and at least get a little bit of a baseline so the light bulbs go off and you start recognizing all the things that you’ve done to turn her off, so you stop doing them going forward.

And so, what you do here is nothing. You have to be congruent with what you said. That’s what a man does. He says what he means, and he means what he says. His words and his actions are a match. Pretty simple. So, if she reaches out, assume she wants to see you, and just make the next date. Remember, what is a date? It’s just an opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. Just an opportunity for sex to happen.

She reaches out, you’d be like, “Hey, when are you free to get together?” Instead, this guy is thinking, “Oh, I’m going to call her and demand that she sees me at 6 p.m. on Friday.” It’s like, Come on, bro, that is so controlling and so weak. Got to back off. You got to go slightly slower than she is. And you’re like Speedy Gonzalez.

You’re trying to make a mad dash for the finish line. You have to go slower than she does or you’re going to chase her out of your life. Or you create the conditions where she just never completely falls head over heels in love with you. She’s going to like you way more if she thinks that she’s way more into you than you are into her. Doesn’t matter that she’s going to be surrounded by dudes throwing their dicks at her at college. If you’re the guy that’s hard to understand, or mysterious or hard to figure out, or difficult to get a hold of sometimes, or just simply a challenge, she’s going to work to get your attention and validation.

And what’s going on right now is you’re acting like a girl and she’s acting like the man. You’ve got to back off and have the balls to just either never hear from her again or she reaches out in a few days or a few weeks and is like, “Hey,” who cares if she goes back to college first? It’s like you’re in a scarcity mindset and you’re literally chasing this girl away and you’re looking for excuses to continue doing that. You’ve got to modify your behavior because it’s not working for you, dude.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.