Why it is essential to take your time when you first start dating someone new or start dating someone again after a breakup, or you risk them backing off and rejecting you with the excuse that things are moving way too fast.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who broke up with his ex girlfriend eight months ago after she cheated on him. They were together for two years before the breakup. He stopped all contact and never heard a word from her until two weeks ago. She texted him out of the blue and basically asked him for a second chance. She told him that she wanted him to feel like she and him were basically meant to be.
She also said she loved him and wanted to be with him. They started hanging out, having fun and hooking up. This went on for a week or so. Then she started backing off saying that she was confused, things were moving way too fast and that she was worried about what their family members would think if they got back together again. He is scratching his head over this since it was her idea. He asks me for some insight and how to proceed.
My name is Bob. I was with my ex for two years. We broke up about eight months ago because she cheated on me. (Your first mistake was thinking she was girlfriend or relationship material. If she’s a cheater, she is only good for a fuck buddy, friends with benefits or somebody to have an open relationship with.) I stopped all contact with her, then two weeks ago, she texted me to meet up with me. The next night, after she texted me, we met up and had dinner, she ended up sleeping over at my place, and we hooked up. (Like I discuss in the article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” let her come to you. Why should you go out of your way to meet somebody like that in public?) The following day, she texted me a heartfelt message saying she wanted to be my “meant to be,” and how she loves me and wants to be with me. (That’s just what she was feeling in that moment.) I saw her two more times within that week, and we hooked up. Four days later, we had dinner only, and everything seemed great. In the beginning, I was reserved, but the more I saw her, I fell deeply in love with her again, and slowly I’ve been expressing my feelings towards her, and vice versa.
Four days later, we saw each other again for dinner, but didn’t hook up since we both had plans after dinner. (Your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. That’s poor logistical planning.) After that night, all of a sudden she backed off. She said that it felt like things were going a little fast, and she was scared that I might hurt her and just use her for sex. She’s also concerned about how my family and friends would react towards her if we ever got back together. I’m confused how she so wanted to be with me, and then all of a sudden felt unsure. I stopped initiating contact with her, but she would still call me. (You went right back to over-pursuing. You don’t pursue somebody that blows you off. Especially somebody that cheats on you.) I’d talk to her, but she ignores what’s at stake. (Now you are trying to lock her down.) What should I do next? (Nothing. Never ever call or text her again. If she reaches out again, invite her over to have dinner at your place and create an opportunity for sex. You don’t want a relationship with somebody that cheated on you. She doesn’t deserve you. Find somebody who places a high value on loyalty and commitment.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Relationships typically form after two or more months of dating. They form when both people have so much fun hanging out and hooking up with each other, that they don’t want anyone else. Women fall in love slowly over time. For men, if she’s hot and got a great body, they’re already thinking about marriage, where they will live and what their kids will look like; this is all before he has even said hello to her. Most men mistakenly assume that women automatically feel the same way or that they can talk women into feeling the same way by telling women how much they like or love them. This actually makes women feel like they are being smothered, that things are moving too fast, like they are losing their freedom and often leads to women saying they are confused and unsure. To prevent this, men simply need to focus on planning fun dates and let women bring up the relationship labels when they are emotionally ready.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne