Thoughts on how to properly use and integrate texting, messaging apps, FaceTime, video and phone calls into your pickup, dating and relationship game to grow and maintain sexual attraction.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a twenty-six year old guy who is under the mistaken fallacy and limiting belief that women his age are different and need constant texting, messaging and reassurance of your interest, or they will blow you off for another guy. He questions what I teach about texting and contact in my book, and how it does not apply to him or other people his age. He admits he might be wrong in his email, but asks my opinion.
His email hints at a general lack of understanding of the principles taught in my book, and that he is stuck on one facet of what I teach about the purpose of the phone in setting dates, while missing the big picture of how texting, phone contact and messaging changes over time as you transition through the phases of pickup, dating and relationships. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I’ve been watching your videos for the past several weeks and think that you give a lot of really great advice. However, there is one topic where I feel I do not agree with you, and this is your stance on texting.
(Dude, I teach what works. I’m not here teaching theory. I’m 47 years old, I’ve had a lot of experience in my life, which you can read about in my book, and I’ve coached probably tens of thousands of men and women from all over the world, from every cultural, religious and societal background, and I understand human nature.
You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality. The reality is, if your philosophy on texting was working, you wouldn’t even be watching my videos. You never would have written me an email. But usually when people test and question me like this, they’re just saying, “Corey, are you really sure about this?”)
For women above the age of 30, I think everything you say is correct, but when it comes to girls in their late teens and early 20’s, I think it is a little bit different.
(Scarcity creates value dude, and that is a fact of life. For the overwhelming majority of people, the phone is no longer about interacting with the other person. It’s like using it like a barometer, trying to be like Sherlock Holmes to figure out, “Does she still like me?” But you’ve got to look at what people do, not what they say.
The reality is, women will do most of the calling, texting and pursuing. Obviously, you haven’t read the book yet, but you need to so you can learn the fundamentals. You can learn why I teach what I teach. The idea is, if a woman is chasing and pursuing you, trying to get a hold of you, wants to see you and misses you, you don’t ever have to worry about getting dumped.
And again, if things were working out in your personal life, you wouldn’t be watching this video, and you never would have written me an email in the first place, so obviously there’s a flaw in your approach and in your mindset, and that’s why you reached out.
What I teach is, once a week you call. Calling, versus texting, shows the most confidence, because texting has a much lower risk of rejection. When you meet a girl and you start dating, call her once a week and go out on one date in person. Use the phone to weed out people. If you can weed someone out on the phone, you don’t have to waste time in person, and you don’t have to spend money on them.
The reality is, women use the phone to weed out guys. They text a guy a bunch, and then they tend to disappear for awhile. The guys that don’t know any better get worried and fearful, and they start texting more, but all that does is drive the woman further away, until she ghosts him completely.)
Most women in this age group have their phones in their hand 24/7, and if they are dating or talking to a guy with the intention of dating, they expect to be texting each other very frequently.
(If you talk to women too much on the phone, you’ll talk them out of liking you, while other guys are using the phone to set dates, take them out and seduce them. By just using the phone to set dates, you come off as mysterious, especially if you have the balls to pick up the phone and call. And if you haven’t applied it, you don’t know.)
I definitely think there is value to your theory of not texting too much during the week,
(Well, it’s not a theory, it’s reality, and I learned reality the hard way. If you keep blowing girls up with your texting and not going on dates, and you’ll find yourself stuck in friend zone perpetually),
so that there is more to talk about when you meet in person.
(The flip side is, by calling a girl once a week and going on one date per week, as you start hanging out, having fun and hooking up, most women are going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date. And usually by the second or third week of going out, you’ll start hearing from them after 2-3 days through a call or text. When you hear from them say, “I can’t talk right now, but I’d love to see you. When are you free to get together?” Then you make the next date and get together. Typically by week 7, they start to fall in love and want to get exclusive with you. By letting her come to you at her pace, you facilitate that happening.
Feminine energy is about bonding, connecting and opening up to receive love, but women need time and space way from you to wonder about you and think about you. There’s no reason to be chit-chatting on the phone seven days a week. If a girl is reaching out to you just about every day on the phone, you should be seeing her just about every day. If you’re making the mistake of seeing the girl once a week and you’re chit-chatting all the time, eventually she’s going to get bored and go cold on you. The more you’re talking on the phone, the less you’re going to be seeing each other in person.
If the woman is used to texting, and you’re just a busy professional because you’re focused on your mission and purpose in life, that means it’s going to create tension inside of her, tension that can only be alleviated in person. If you set her up from the beginning that the phone and texting is strictly for setting dates, because you don’t have time to chit chat with her, you’re going to create a hunger within her, a desire to get together in person. And when it’s her idea to get together in person, she’s going to be all over you. You’re just making things way harder on yourself than they need to be.)
However, any girl my age that I have not texted on a consistent basis either seems to lose interest, or more commonly, feels that I do not have a significant level of interest in them.
(You should be making dates, not chit-chatting. If your texting is random, but you’re not getting together in person, then you’re not doing things right.)
Girls in this age group want to either give or receive a “good morning” text every day.
(Good morning texts should be something spontaneous because you want to do it. When you’re in a long-term relationship, you don’t want the commitment of having to say good morning. It’s much more fun to be spontaneous. Don’t be a robot.)
They want to text and send Snapchats on a daily basis.
(I agree with that, but it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. When you take your time to get back to her, it causes her to like you more. It gives her space and time to wonder if you still like her as much. Then when you reach out and you’re sweet and loving, you confirm that you care. The space in between the time you are talking allows sexual tension and anticipation to build up. Then it gets relieved in person. If you read the book, it would help you self-diagnose where you’re going wrong.)
Again, I think it is important to somewhat limit your responses, but if you were to go 2 or 3 days without communicating at all, they would likely start seeking attention from other guys.
(I can tell you don’t know the protocol in the book. You don’t know what I teach, you’re trying to cherry-pick, and you’re making things way harder than they need to be dude.)
Maybe I am wrong, but this has certainly been my experience so far as a 26-year old male.
(You just need to clean up your texting game and being more definitive in your actions together in person. You want to be unpredictable and mysterious. You want to let things naturally evolve so it’s exciting. One of our core human needs is variety, so we need to have some variety in our lives. That’s the beauty of just kind of going with the flow. When a woman starts to miss you, when the tension builds inside her, that’s when she reaches out. Then you use that as an opportunity to facilitate getting together.)
I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this. Keep up the videos!
BobIf you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Many guys make the mistake of using their smartphones as digital approval-seeking technological barometers of what women think and feel about them, as opposed to being a communication tool meant to facilitate setting appointments and getting together in person to grow intimacy, connection and bonding. The purpose of life is to enjoy it. Use your phone to create great experiences and memories together in person, not as a digital substitute for living and experiencing life.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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