These are three e-mails I got recently from a new coaching client of mine. He’s really struggling with his inner demons and all the crap, limiting beliefs and dis-empowering way he is looking at the world. Every time human beings try something new, or try stepping outside of their comfort zone, all of their fears, insecurities, doubts, what they perceive is lacking from their life, etc. tend to interfere in their ability to move forward, take action and learn.
We all bullshit ourselves at times. Because of everything we feel it can be very scary at times. So what keeps people from moving forward and taking the action they know they need to take? It’s fear. As I said before, human beings have two primary fears: 1) fear that we’re not enough and 2) fear that we won’t be loved. In other words, our own fear that we don’t have what it takes to succeed, and our fear that we won’t be loved and accepted by our peers, friends and family, causes us to bullshit ourselves, make excuses and not take the actions that are essential to our success.
He brings up some really good questions and his e-mails give you a really good picture of what’s going on in his mind and how he is struggling with taking action or letting his fear overwhelm him into doing nothing.
Here’s his first e-mail:
Corey, how you doin.. So, what I don’t understand honestly about all this is the Confidence thing. How does one attain full confidence and a strong “center”.. I mean,come on man there’s gotta be more to life than this shit hole rat’s nest bleak abyss I’m in. I am a lot like that guy who composed that email to you… cynical and a lil jaded. I honestly have no idea how to change my attitude and/or belief system. You say change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change. WTF?! How the hell is that done. Any examples you know of? I have no idea what is going on maybe? It seems when myself and others email complaints or opinions and a bunch of whiny bullshit, you respond in kind with some truth and relentless rationale and a lot of one-liners. As you know, people are strange and most are seeking love, and yet why is it that some never ever have a problem with girls, and the rest of us must seek help. We see it every day.. millions of other motherfuckers who assumed their role of the most desirable males as little kids and/or teens and continually live lives of unfettered happiness and love and unlimited whoopee with any goddamn hottie they desire. You see, none of these guys had to do shit for themselves, cuz it’s all been natural or laid out for them. Yes, life is unfair it’s true. I have no qualms about asking for help. No problem with pride or anything like that, but I have yet to see one example of someone who changed their tune and benefited from it. I hope to the great Spirit in the sky, that this process doesn’t take me into my 40s. In fact, if I don’t see any significant signs of improvement by around my birthday this spring, then fuck it, obviously not my destiny and all is beyond my control. Take it easy.
Here’s my response to his first e-mail:
How do you change your belief system? In an instant. You can choose to believe something different. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to continue to get what you’ve always got. When we have limiting beliefs that no longer serve us, we must choose a more empowering and emotionally exciting vision for our life. Hence the reason you and I have started out focusing on what is most important to you, and what you really want to accomplish in your life.
Success with women has more to do with you being successful and happy as a man who has a purpose, a vision and a mission in his life that he is excited about accomplishing, then it does with knowing how to treat women and the proper strategies to use. Most people’s lives totally suck, they’re unhappy, they hate their jobs, they don’t have the things they want in their lives and they’re just plain miserable. Focusing on pickup lines, techniques, strategies, etc. is useless at first for these guys. We must first create a life that is compelling and exciting to the individual. The happier he becomes, the easier it’s going to be for him to talk to women and use the things I teach in my book on how to be more successful meeting, dating, picking up and having effortless relationships with the type of women he’s always wanted.
As far as you giving yourself until this spring to see any significant signs of improvement in your relationships and interactions with women, that’s bullshit. It’s going to take as long as it’s going to take. How much you practice and how much action you take is going to make all the difference. Repetition is the mother of skill. Successes build your confidence. You can’t have successes if you don’t take any action. Cut yourself some slack. Learn to practice infinite patience. You must celebrate your wins and not focus solely on what sucks.
It’s not that everything in your life sucks, it’s just like we talked about on the phone. You are consciously choosing moment by moment of your life to focus on and look for everything in your life that sucks, what is not working or what you perceive to not be where it should be. It’s part of your story. It’s a bullshit story, but it’s your story that you have created.
It’s meeting your needs. Human beings have six primary needs: certainty, variety, significance, love/connection, growth and contribution. You are meeting your needs in a very dysfunctional way. You complain about your problems, you complain about what sucks, what’s not the way you want it, etc. and this makes you feel shitty, insignificant and like life is hopeless for you; it’s just the cards you’ve been dealt in life. This is a pattern of yours.
If what you do repeatedly fulfills at least three of your six human needs, it’s considered an addiction. It makes you feel like shit each time you do this which fulfills your need for certainty, love and connection and significance. Certainty because you get the same thing every time you do it, you always get the same outcome (feeling like crap). Love and connection because you connect to other people in your relationships by whining about your problems, what you don’t have or what you perceive as lacking in your life. Significance because it makes you feel important when you talk about your problems with other people. It’s like you’re saying to other people, “my life totally sucks, and let me give you all of the reasons why it sucks.” Do you see what I mean? You do this over and over and over and over and over again, and then you do it again some more. Are you tired of this BS? You are the one who chooses to decide to live like this every day and every moment.
The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions that you consistently ask yourself. If you ask yourself “what are the things in my life that I’m grateful for?” Or, “why does this shit always happen to me?” Your brain is going to give you two completely different answers. So if you’re not happy about the lousy and disempowering questions you are asking yourself, then ask yourself a better quality question and your mind must give you a better quality answer. It’s your choice. Every moment you constantly are choosing to make yourself feel good by asking good-quality questions, or you are choosing to make yourself feel crappy by asking lousy questions. You have to participate in your own rescue. No one can do it for you.
Here’s his 2nd email:
Corey.. You speak of success with women as if it’s as easy as pie, or something so simplistic. You told me one time that this whole thing is cake. Now, how long is it gonna take? 6 months, 1 year, 2 years? It really is disheartening to realize that this shit may take forever. I read the banter back and forth between yourself and others in their emails and you talk along the lines of something like.. “In the meantime while working to meet that perfect woman, all the girls you meet along the way, and getting laid and dating and having fun, etc, etc.” Well I tell ya, with me there ain’t no girlies along the way. I’m not active in dating at all, but would love to be fucking a different gal every weekend, or one of those guys that got women running him down. It just ain’t right man, it just ain’t right. I’ve never really got along with the women around here where I grew up… any of them, hardly. People are really clannish around here and I’m not of that ilk. Never have and never will be. Have a nice day my friend.
Here’s my response to his 2nd email:
When I coach guys who already have a lot of success in their life, all they really need is an understanding of how women think, what they emotionally respond to and the proper strategies to use to successfully pick up, date and eventually build an effortless relationship with a woman. It’s true those guys have it easier than someone like you who simply has a lot more things than just being successful with women that he wants to improve. You are working on improving just about every area of your life. So naturally it’s going to take you a little longer. However, you are way ahead of a lot of guys I talk to. I have guys who are 30 years old, never been on a date, and never even kissed a woman before! I have guys who take three years to meet and date the woman of their dreams, and I have guys who do it in three months. Your journey is your journey and it’s completely different than anyone else’s. So who gives a damn what everybody else is doing? The only thing that matters is what you are going to do?
If you don’t like the type of women you are meeting, then you need to find out where the type of women you like hang out. Then go hang out there. Bitching about what is, is not going to do one damn thing to change your situation. Only taking action will.
When you whine and complain about how long it’s going to take to get this part of your life handled once and for all, you are using this as an excuse to do nothing. This causes your situation to not get any better, or not get any better very fast.
You know what to do, but you’re scared and therefore you bullshit yourself about your situation and make it appear like it is worse than it really is. That way you totally feel like crap and like the situation is hopeless, and therefore you don’t have to do anything. Because what’s the point of doing anything if it’s hopeless? You are enabling yourself to be lazy and a whiner. Your self-created limiting beliefs are in conflict with your goals. So you have a choice. It’s a simple one. Be a man, take action and become more successful over time, or wine and be a little bitch who never accomplishes anything. It’s your choice.
Here’s his third email:
Corey after reading your email newsletter “You gotta check yourself before you wreck yourself” I can say that I’m still bewildered. What works for one guy really well may not work for another I think. The last time we spoke, the conversation was directed a lot at my career choice, that is becoming a Veterinarian. That in itself, is at least an 8 year endeavor. Meeting lots of women and getting shitloads of dates and getting laid as much as I should, ought not to take 8 years. What about all those potential women along the way? I am coming up empty. We talked some about fear, the 2 types and how to overcome. Yeah I’m stepping out of my comfort zone some, but my “fear” is never getting to the point where I wanna be. Truth be told.. I don’t see how a fun-loving talented musician, Harley-riding, smart and funny, adventuresome outdoors loving and warm and friendly person such as myself can be so alone. It just doesn’t make sense! I’ve heard that picking up fine women is only a learned behavior, and it doesn’t happen naturally, which is utter bullshit. Again I hate to beat a dead horse, but there are millions of dudes who never had to “learn” anything at all. Please tell me what you think is true/untrue about this subject. Thanks and regards..
Here’s my response to his third email:
The thing with fear is that it’s always going to be with you. You can let fear control you and hold you back and therefore keep you from everything you want in life, or you can use fear like we talked about to get emotional leverage on yourself so you take action. When you feel fear and it causes you to go into your old dis-empowering pattern, ask yourself as you are contemplating being a lazy ass, “what is it going to cost me if I don’t take the action that I know I need to take? What am I going to miss out on six months, six years, 10 years, 20 years from now if I do nothing? How much pain am I going to experience by being lazy?” Then ask yourself, “how good will it make me feel when I take the action I know I need to take? What benefits, goals and outcomes will I get closer to achieving by taking the action I know I need to take? What amazing things will I become in six months, six years, 10 years, 20 years from now by taking this small little action right now? In other words what pleasure will I gain by taking action, and what pain will I experience by not taking action?”
As far as other guys who have it easy and are naturally successful with women because they grew up in healthy, emotionally nurturing and loving families… you’re preaching to the choir. I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I was not born good with women. I am no smarter than you are or anyone else. I’m just an average regular guy who choose to make the best of the cards he had been dealt in life. What sets me apart from a guy who never realizes his dreams? I take consistent relentless action every day of my life. Especially when I don’t feel like it. Just sitting down to answer your three e-mails and taking the time to turn it into a great article that can help millions of people around the world improve their lives has been a total pain in my ass. I am a writer, and I fucking hate to write. I even use voice recognition software when I write, but it’s still a pain in the ass. However, I am a life coach and writing articles, writing books, answering e-mails, posting on Twitter and Facebook, etc. are just a few of the things that are essential and necessary for me to be effective in my work. If I don’t write, I can’t help people. It’s that simple. The way I look at it is I don’t have a choice. Be a life coach, or take no action and be irrelevant. I choose to be the best life coach that I can be in every moment of every day. It’s a conscious choice. I know that by taking action every day, I get a little better and a little more effective and I help a few more people. Live my purpose or live without a purpose? To be, or not to be? That is the question. That’s why it’s so important to choose to do something that you love. You’ll do it even when you don’t feel like it, because its the only thing that makes you feel truly alive and fulfilled.
Most people major in minor things. Everyone feels like you do at times. You’re not alone. The difference that makes the difference, is taking action in-spite of your fears. So who are you going to be? A talker? Or a doer?
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.” – Morpheus