The key to getting past your fears, letting go of unhealthy attachments and overcoming your fear of talking to other people you have romantic interest in if you feel like you are constantly tongue tied around people you want to date.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has developed a creepy and unhealthy attachment to a woman who has repeatedly rejected him. It’s obvious that he is deluding himself into thinking that he needs the right conversation topics and the perfect moment to convince this woman that she should date him. He says that his friends tell him that he is naïve. He goes into her office enough to the point that he says everyone there knows the real reason why he has dropped by once again, which is to see her.
He says he is convinced that she likes him, even though she doesn’t pickup his phone calls, or make any effort to talk to him directly. He claims that his infatuation is different and it’s a spiritual challenge from the universe to help him overcome his fears. I give him a dose of reality and tell him what he really needs to focus on instead. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I am impressed by the amount of content you have up on YouTube. I have not yet read your book and intend to do so shortly. (You definitely need to read my book.) I have this specific problem…
I am standing in front of an office. She is inside, sitting in the front row alongside other women. I go in, talk to the people around her, but feel that they know why I am coming in, because I have done this many times, once a month at least in the past. Then, to hide my discomfiture, I do some routine transactions and walk out, unable to talk to her. (You’re making yourself look like a beta male. It’s better if you don’t go in there at all if you’re going to behave this way, because you’re going to freak people out.) In the past, even recently, she has shown interest repeatedly, by looking into my eyes, but turned down any request to pick up my phone or talk to me directly. (If people like you, they will help you ask them out. Her actions indicate that she’s not interested in you.) However, she has let it be known that she is interested in me. This is peculiar, and I know that you tend to dismiss such infatuation and ask your clients to go look for others, but this is different. I will tell you why later. (You’ve watched too many movies.) What I reckon is this: she is an alpha female. (An alpha female is not going to want to go out with a beta male.) If I am not man enough to go talk around her loudly enough and assertively enough, she will not accept me. (You are in an approval-seeking mindset.) She shows me repeatedly, through subtle gestures, that if I were able to banter around with the group of people around her, become friendly and hold my own, she is game. (This is a fantasy that you’re telling yourself.) This is almost a spiritual game that I am confronted with.
Now the point is this, if I am able to go around confidently, talking, bantering, holding my own, and get myself out of my own way, then, even if I do not get her to agree for a future relationship, (You have to have a first date before you can have a conversation about a relationship. You’re building up an irrational fantasy in your mind and projecting it onto her. You’re continually justifying your behavior, but if she doesn’t want to pick up your call, she doesn’t want to talk to you. Look at my article and video, “The Clueless Creepy Stalker“), it will be a big leg up for me, because I am too much of a nerd. People shy away from me. (People shy away because you act weird and creepy. Your behavior scares people.) I can only talk academic stuff, on which I can talk for hours. (That’s why you should be hanging out with people who like that kind of talk.) I even have in mind being a public speaker one day. However, for that, I need to man up, to enlarge the scope of my own self-confidence and talk to anyone, holding my own. (You should watch my video, “Improving Your Social Skills” to learn how to practice the fundamentals of how to talk to people.) I am basically confident, articulate, tall, and attractive, and I know that, secretly, many, many people, guys and gals, show interest in knowing me more intimately. (Interact with people who welcome you.) However, I shy away from them all. Friends have told me I am too naive. I feel I come across as callow or too intellectual. (Become proud of who you are and hang out with like-minded people.) I know not what impression I create on people, but no one approaches me. (You’re ignoring the fact that they don’t want you there.) And when they do, inevitably it fizzles out. (People who care about you will make the effort to be in your life.) I hardly have friends, except a few childhood friends who love me. Basically, I think I only approach those who are appreciative of me. (That is exactly what you should be doing. You should want to hang around people who want you around.) I have fear of rejection and all other sorts of fears. I am really struggling. I read endlessly — psychology books. (Take action to be with people who want you in their social circle.) I have made a little progress, but when it comes to talking and expressing myself emotionally, I draw a complete blank. I am tongue tied for small talk. I hope you can help. (If you want to create rapport with other people, be sincerely interested in them, and ask questions about them. Look at my article and video, “Pickup & Date Questions That Build Attraction.”)
As for the reason for going after this particular woman: 1) I feel the love very strongly every so often, (Dude, you’re infatuated with this girl, but there’s nothing going on), and 2), the Universe is plunking her right in front of me again and again as a big challenge that I MUST overcome for my own spiritual growth. (If you want to overcome this challenge, then let go of your desire and need to go visit where you aren’t appreciated. Keep looking until you find someone who wants you around. )
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“If you perceive yourself as being an outsider or undesirable, you will unconsciously seek out people who are uninterested and who make you feel unwelcome. By continuing to interact with them or trying to force an interaction where it is not welcome, you are acting consistent with your belief that you do not deserve what you want. In order to fill your life up with people who really want to be there, you must continually extend your invitations to the kind of people you want in your life without any attachment to whether they accept it or not. Your responsibility is only to extend your invitations to the kind of people you want in your kingdom, not to beg them to be there. The right like-minded people will enthusiastically accept your invitations, and those who don’t? Send them love, wish them well and let them go forever.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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