How to spot and avoid toxic women who will take you on a trip through crazy town.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says his now ex-girlfriend took him on a trip through crazy town. He thinks she was a narcissist due to her constant gaslighting him. He was fresh out of a divorce, and he says he felt like she was looking for someone vulnerable like him.
He says he had read 3% Man about 3 times, but now recognizes it wasn’t enough. They were together for 9 months. He’s already left the relationship but is looking for feedback on how he could have better dealt with the relationship. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
There are some things that happened here. He’s like, “I think my ex-girlfriend might have had narcissistic personality disorder.” He’s going to therapy for it, trying to figure her out. But there’s just some really crazy things going on here. She’s gaslighting him. And I don’t want to spoil it, because with some of this stuff you’re going, “Damn!”
It’s a good email on the kinds of behaviors and things to look for, because these kinds of women are out there. Like, when I was younger, I didn’t know any of this stuff existed. But obviously, doing this for a living and having encountered and done thousands and thousands of phone sessions over the last 20 years with guys all over the world in every cultural background, they’ve come across these kinds of women, and it’s like, they don’t prepare you for this kind of stuff or to deal with these kinds of people. When you’re growing up, they don’t teach you anything about this in school. And so, a lot of us just find out the hard way about it.
One of the things that’s interesting, Dr. Dominick D’Anna from BeSimplyWell.com was saying that there was a study that he had read, and it said that one out of every three women that’s over the age of 30, 33, something like that, is on some kind of psychotropic medication – being Xanax, antidepressants, or being treated for some kind of mood or personality disorder. So, think about the sheer numbers.
When I was growing up, people were not heavily medicated like they are these days. And so, you’ve got a one in three chance now, if you’re in the dating world, of coming across a woman that’s on some kind of medication, whether it’s an anti-psychotic, or Xanax, or some kind of antidepressant for bipolar disorder. So, you have to understand what happens, because especially when people come on and then go off those medications, their behavior becomes radically different and it’s shocking. I had a mother who was a psychotic schizophrenic, and seeing her come off her meds and how wacky she became, it’s shocking. So, this is a good email to learn from on what not to do.
I have read your book about three times and my most recent relationship showed I did not read it enough.
Well, the idea of reading it 10 to 15 times is to learn it so you can become really good at vetting your dating prospects, just like you really should be vetting all people in your life. And that includes friends. Especially, do people honor their words. If people constantly say one thing and then do another. People that are just bullshit artists, basically, they use a lot of flowery language and make all these promises of what they’re going to do, and then they don’t follow through on any of it. You’ve got to be able to spot and recognize that behavior and disengage from those people when you notice it, instead of making excuses for them.
Obviously, this guy started seeing really weird, flaky behavior, but, as he says, he was kind of vulnerable because he was just out of a divorce. And he says he thinks she kind of preyed on him and was looking for somebody that was in a vulnerable position like he was. Because, just coming out of a divorce, it stings. You want to find love again. And then the relationship starts off good with a lot of flowery language and a lot of gaslighting. And then, the belittling and the other things start happening. Barrels of fun.
Unfortunately, I attracted what appeared to be a narcissist. We were in a relationship for nearly 9 months. Being freshly divorced, I felt this one was looking for someone vulnerable like me. We seemingly connected and had a lot in common.
Then things started get squirrelly where she:
- Called me the name of one of her male friends while we were lying in bed and then tried to say she called me a pet name.
So, he’s literally laying there next to her, and she mixes up his name with some other guy. “Oh, it’s just a pet name.” I mean, that’s gaslighting right there – trying to make you think that what you just heard is not what you actually heard. That’s what gaslighting is all about. You cause the other person to question their view of reality by telling them that what they saw and heard with their own eyes and ears wasn’t actually what they saw and heard. It was something else.
- Stayed in touch with the man who took her virginity over 30 years ago, (lives in another state), via phone and text.
- Has a “God” brother that drops in to visit on occasion that she told me about. When I asked her if he knew we were dating, she said “I don’t tell him my personal business.”
Keep in mind, this is a “god,” somebody who is supposedly close to her. Maybe they’re not really that close. They are close, but not that close.
- Hid used lingerie that I know she didn’t use with me under other items in her drawer. (I found this when she asked me to clean out that drawer.)
Oh, that’s fun. “Oh, hey, where’d you get that lingerie from?” “Oh, it’s just old stuff.”
- Went for 1-hour appointments but would be gone for 4-5 hours, no calls or anything.
The longer the excuse, the bigger the lie. Remember that. If you ask somebody something and they haven’t done what you’re thinking they did, they’ll just come right out and say, no. But when they give you some long explanation, they’re basically trying to lie. In other words, if they haven’t done something, they’ll come around and say, “I didn’t do that. That didn’t happen.” But if they give you some long excuse, then they’re making shit up.
When I asked her about it, she said it is a running joke in her family where women go out for one thing and will be gone all day.
- Asked for “breaks” at certain points, like before Valentine’s Day or when she said a “family” member or friend was supposed to come into town.
That sounds pretty suspicious. “Oh, hey, Valentine’s Day is coming up. Let’s have a break in our relationship. I’ve got some “family” coming into town.”
- May have been having sex with someone else while I was on the phone.
This one’s a beauty…
I heard skin slapping sounds on the phone in the background at various times. I put her on “hold” (really mute) one time and heard her low moan. Another time, she was laughing like someone was kissing her and then another moan. Then later on, skin slapping sounds again.
So, she’s got the phone, thinks she’s on hold, and all he did was mute her. And that’s pretty clever, actually, if you think about it. If you think there’s somebody there, it’s like, “Hey, let me put you on hold for a second,” and all you do is mute the phone so she can’t hear you. That’s pretty clever, actually.
- Started silencing her mobile around me, always checking her phone and taking it everywhere.
Yeah, that’s not a good sign.
- Was gaslighting and manipulating me.
Just like when she called him somebody else’s name and says, “Oh, I was using a pet name. You didn’t hear what you think you heard.”
Couples therapy didn’t work. I followed up with a female therapist separately to help me figure her out. She tried to dissuade me from going to a female and stick with male therapists only.
Yeah, I’ve had many instances over the years where guys go to couples therapy and they have a female couples therapist, and then she ends up ganging up with the wife or the girlfriend on him, and he becomes the bad guy. Because there’s a lot of therapists out there that get into being therapists because they’re messed up, and they’re not very good at what they do, unfortunately. You’ve got to vet your therapist as well. Make sure they’re competent.
My therapist said she can’t say for sure my ex was cheating unless I had solid proof, but that my ex has A LOT of inconsistencies with her that don’t seem normal in a loving relationship.
Yeah. I mean, hearing the skin slapping sounds and stuff when she thought you were on mute, and the moaning and the giggling, that’s pretty obvious. Can you imagine being in a relationship with a woman like this. You’re not going to trust her. You’re always sleeping with one eye open. You’re questioning everything she tells you. And you keep thinking, “Oh, well. It’ll get better. I can work with this.” It’s not your job to fix these people. It’s your job to recognize that it’s time to hit the eject button.
The therapist helped me to see I can’t and don’t trust this woman, who herself has trauma and abuse from a previous marriage and other relationships, as well as unhealthy relationships with mom and dad growing up. She was also on meds for psyche issues, as I found out.
Remember what I was talking about earlier about psychotropic drugs?
I eventually made the decision to walk and no longer engage her, as I believe she has narcissistic personality disorder along with her other issues. I am taking about a year off from dating and mating to work on myself and fully heal from this encounter.
You know what, that’s probably a good idea for you. And then when you’re ready, get back in the game. Because if you get burned like that, it’s going to make you a little gun-shy. So take your time, and when you feel ready, get back out there and play ball. But at the end of the day, what you need to learn from this is being able to spot this kind of behavior more quickly.
One of the best tells is going to be, do the words and the actions match? Does she BS you a lot? Does she follow through? Does a girl tell you things like, “Oh, I’m going to cook you this great meal. It’s going to be amazing. And I got this ingredient and that ingredient, and it’s going to be awesome. You’re going to love it!”? And say, she’s supposed to come over Friday night and make all of this for you, then she’s like, “Oh, let’s just go out and get some sushi.” It’s like, “What? You just spent a half hour on the phone the other night, or the last time we were together, telling me about this great meal you were going to prepare for me. And an hour before we’re supposed to get together, ‘Oh, I never went to the grocery store. Let’s just go get some sushi instead.'” Little things like that, the words and actions don’t match.
When Somebody cares, when somebody tells you they’re going to do something, do they follow through? Because if they don’t, that’s not a good sign. The words and actions have got to match. And so, what happened here, just like he said, he was in a vulnerable state. He just got out of a divorce. He’s thinking, “Hey, I found fresh love. This is great. It could be wonderful. My future ex-wife, potentially here.” And then instead, he gets mixed up with a narcissist. Because he explained a lot of things away. He made excuses for it.
I mean, nine months is a long time, but this guy said, the title of the email was “A Trip Through Crazy Town,” so he knew what was going on. But good for you, dude, for having the balls to finally walk away and hit the eject button and disengage. Because a lot of guys would keep making excuses going, “Oh, I can use Corey’s book to fix her.” It’s like, no, you can’t. The idea is to spot and attract a good quality woman who shares similar goals and similar values.
So if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur