How you can spot toxic people who make you question yourself, so you can delete them from your life without remorse.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer whose ex-boyfriend is an avid fan of my work. However, he constantly lied and talked with other women throughout the beginning of their relationship, and even though they were never officially boyfriend/girlfriend, they were supposed to be exclusive with each other. It’s obvious he was still playing the field and lying about it.
Now she is torn with what to do as he continues displaying dishonest and devious behavior. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of her email.
You can understand if the person you’re with is not displaying loyal of type behavior, but yet you’re being loyal to them and they’ve constantly violated your trust, constantly lied to you, constantly deceived you. What have their actions done to actually make you trust them? It’s going to be next to impossible, when somebody has just absolutely destroyed your trust from the beginning, to all of a sudden start trusting them and thinking that they’re going to go through some kind of metamorphosis and become honest and trustworthy. It’s just unrealistic. They just simply become better liars and become better at hiding it.
Somebody that’s a liar and who is devious, typically, they don’t stop lying and being devious. They just become better at it and better at hiding it. They become a more skilled liar, if you will. So, as the old saying goes, a tiger does not change its stripes. As Maya Angelou said, “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”
I’m actually reaching out to you as the ex-girlfriend of a guy who listens to you and reads your book.
Obviously, he’s probably not following what’s in the book. The book can’t do much about people that have no integrity, but it can help you spot the people without any integrity, so you can boot them out of your life. Because if you keep people that lie to you and deceive you in your life, eventually, you start questioning yourself and start thinking that you’re the problem. It’s a bad place to be. That’s classic narcissism. That’s what narcissists tend to do. They make you doubt and question yourself and question your reality, hence the term “gaslighting.”
I dove into your work very recently, and even as a woman, I find hearing these perspectives really helpful.
Well, a lot of couples that are together read my book and they both study it together. They learn it and they apply it in their own lives, and especially if they’ve got kids, they’re teaching it to their kids, which is amazing. It makes me happy. It makes the world a better place.
I’ll get right into it. When we first started dating two years ago, I was a really naive 22-year-old who had never been in a relationship before. Even after six months, we did not put a label on the relationship at his request — because his long, drawn out divorce was not final. I understood this and did not pressure him, but we did agree early on to see each other exclusively.
In retrospect, this sounds really stupid, I know. This was actually his way of protecting himself down the line if I were to find out that he was seeing many other women seriously at the time, which I clearly did. I forgave him only because we weren’t labeling it as girlfriend/boyfriend at the time.
We began to move forward as an official couple. It was a long battle between the two of us and me finally getting to the truth of what really happened, but he has improved a lot. However, the lying and gaslighting at the beginning of our relationship was really detrimental to my trust, and I’ve become controlling and toxic, to be completely honest.
Well, that’s going to be a normal response, trying to control things, because obviously you feel out of control because you can’t trust the guy. And you care about him, so you’re looking for ways to stay in the relationship, but you’re ignoring the fact that he lied to you and he gaslighted. That’s his character. It’s not your fault, it’s not my fault. His parents fucked him up. Hopefully he’s watching this. And do I think he’s going to change? Probably not. I’ve never known somebody who’s a liar and devious to change. They’ve just become better at hiding it.
I asked him to block these women he lied about and cut off contact.
A man who is a man, whose balls have dropped fully and who has integrity, you wouldn’t be in a position like this with a guy like that. So, that right there is a deal breaker. He’s not trustworthy. He’s a fuck buddy, friends of benefits, sex playmate – not relationship material. It’s not your fault.
I feel that this was a reasonable request, but my insecurities did eventually lead to us breaking up in a blowup one night recently. Immediately after we broke up, he was messaging other women for attention about our breakup. Things like, “I just broke up with my girlfriend.” I’m talking, within two hours of me packing my bag and leaving.
Well, I mean, everybody responds to that differently. Men and women both do the same thing. They’re calling the old reliable, “Hey, what are you doing? Hey, girl!” It happens.
He also unblocked all of the women I had asked him to cut off contact with, although he didn’t contact them.
I mean, it’s understandable. So, in other words, all bets are off.
The next day, he called off the breakup and we made up. I was hurt and felt betrayed all over again by his actions during the “breakup” of less than 18 hours.
The reason why she’s really hurt and really upset is because he went right back to the same exact behavior that he supposedly had fixed, so it’s understandable. Now, he’s hurting her in the same way.
If I was in Las Vegas and you were asking me to bet on whether this guy is going to magically become an honorable man, I’m going to say, he belongs in the streets! You’re crazy! I’m betting against him. No way would I put any money on that guy. No fucking way. Absolutely not.
I feel like he keeps getting by on technicalities, doing things like this when we aren’t “officially” together.
Well, if you’ve been dating this guy for two years and this is where it’s at, you’re kind of attached to your fuck buddy. In other words, you’re projecting your fantasy of what you want from this guy and ignoring the fact that he’s done nothing but display a lot of ratchet behavior. It’s not your fault, it’s his parents. They did it.
It feels manipulative and disrespectful.
This is his nature. He’s showed you countless times who he is. But you have not been accepting it, because you care. And so, your emotions are trying to use your logic and reason to come up with reasons to stay with him and forgive him, and it’s been two years. You’re two years down the line, and you’re seeing the same kind of behavior.
I broke up with him over this, and he now wants to work it out.
What, until the next time you catch him in a lie? Let somebody else deal with him. I personally wouldn’t be involved with somebody like this if I were you. But it’s your life, you do what you want. You just have to understand that he’s not going to change. This is who he is. He just got a little better at hiding it.
But yet, what happens is it keeps coming out, and you’re two years down the line. You’re young and, quite frankly, you shouldn’t be wasting your time. You gave this guy two years of your life. Time is up if you’re smart.
I really love him, have so much fun with him, and I try very hard to trust him.
You can’t. You just can’t. It’s impossible.
However, it’s feeling difficult to move on from past hurt when things like this happen. Should I give this guy another chance, or move on?
Thank you for everything you do,
I’d say, “Bro, you can go on down the road.” If you want to keep hooking up, that’s your choice, but it’s obvious you want a relationship, and you’ve been trying to have a relationship with somebody that has no integrity and who’s not capable. He doesn’t have the value system in place in order to be the kind of partner you want.
And so, now you’re twenty-four, two years of your life have gone by trusting a guy who is not trustworthy. It is what it is. You’re not getting any younger, you’re getting older. And this is your window where you’re going to have more men interested in you than ever at any time in your life. So, if I were you, I wouldn’t waste another second with this particular dude.
I know it’s harsh, but hey, you gave the dude two years and he couldn’t get his act together. You’ve got to be with somebody who you can trust. Love cannot exist where there is no trust. End of story. It’s just not possible. I’m not a magician, I’m just going to tell you how reality is.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Trust is the hardest thing to get and the easiest thing to lose. People who continually violate your trust by lying and being devious are revealing their true character and intentions. It’s not your fault that they are this way. Their parents screwed them up, so that’s on them. However, it is your responsibility as a self-reliant human being to recognize their toxic behavior and be honest with yourself about who they really are and treat them accordingly. Trying to change or fix them is not your job or responsibility. Besides, people don’t change who they really are. They just become a better version of themselves.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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