What you should do if you suspect the woman you are dating is toxic and has several male orbiters and backup boyfriends.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who has been dating a woman for four years and has split from her four different times but always got back together with her. She bounces between him and a backup male orbiter boyfriend when things aren’t going well.
The second email is from a guy who has been dating his girlfriend of three years, who told him she needed a break, and has been seeing another guy who is always in the background. He asks what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
Both of these guys are involved with toxic women and they’re trying to have a normal relationship with them. And it’s obviously not going well. Something that’s really important to understand about not just your intimate relationships, but your friendships or the clients that you have relationships with, is that you’ve got to have people that are healthy, that add value to your life, that bring positivity into your life.
Because when you surround yourself by people that are toxic or they have a lot of dysfunctional stuff going on in their life, they have a lot of drama, and you spend time with them, their drama basically becomes your drama. Like when I was younger, especially after I got out of high school, I had some friends I liked to hanging out with, but they liked to get in fights all of the time. And if you’re somebody that knows violence — I knew a lot of it growing up — unfortunately, it’s the people that are very familiar with violence that want to avoid it at all costs. That’s why some of the most dangerous people in the world are also the kindest people, because they know what violence is like.
It’s like these particular friends, we go out and I want to hang out and have fun, meet girls, have a good time, and then they’re getting in fights, you know, five minutes after arriving. And then obviously, we have to leave or whatever. I just stopped hanging out with them when I was really young, just because it became a drag to be around them.
And the same thing when it comes to women. These two guys here are dating women and it’s pretty obvious they’re toxic. And a lot of the things that I see in phone sessions with guys that are really struggling with women is they made a bad choice. They got involved with somebody that they should not have gotten involved with. But because their emotions are involved, they keep hoping things are going to change. They read my book thinking that my book is going to fix the toxic woman.
What my book will do is it’ll bring out that toxicity pretty quickly. The idea is, if you just started dating somebody, and then two to three weeks in, their toxic behavior started showing before you get too emotionally invested, then you could pull the ripcord and get the hell out of there and move on to find somebody else. Because you don’t want to get six months or a year down the road and then find out that you’re dating a lunatic, which happens.
And then when a guy is in that position, he’s emotionally invested, he doesn’t really want to hear that his girl is toxic. But the way I do my phone sessions is just pointing out these behaviors, because these guys are really upset about the situation, and when I point out these behaviors, it just feels like a giant weight gets lifted off of their shoulders, because then they’re able to see the person for what she really is. And you can’t make good wine from bad grapes.
And so, if you’ve got bad people in your life, if you’ve got bad toxic clients, if you’ve got bad toxic friends, if you’ve got toxic family members you’re spending your time with, if you’ve got toxic women that you’re spending time with, you become toxic, your life becomes toxic, and it brings stress into your life. Then, when you have people that bring stress into your life, that makes it very difficult to be in a peaceful and relaxed state. Because being in a peaceful and relaxed state is where you’re going to do your best work, where you’re going to be the most balanced and you’re going to be the most productive.
What’s also fun about going through these emails is other guys see them, and they’re having a bad day, and they listen to how somebody else is screwing up or what somebody else is putting up with, and they go, “Wow, I don’t feel so bad about my situation. That guy is way more screwed up than me. It’s actually a good day.” So no matter how bad you’ve got it or think you have it in life, there’s always somebody that’s got it worse.
What’s interesting is that oftentimes when I do phone sessions with guys that are in these kinds of toxic relationships with toxic women is they’ll say, “Well, she’s got a good relationship with their father.” And I said, “Okay. Well, tell me about the dynamic between the father and the mother in their relationship.” But then you find out the relationship between the mom and dad is totally toxic. The guy’s a total beta male who gets walked all over by his wife. And yet, the daughter, who he spoiled and also let’s walk all over him, he’s like, “Oh, they have a healthy relationship.” That’s not healthy.
I’m talking about an alpha male who, when his daughter gets out of line, he puts her in her place. Same thing with his wife. When she gets out of line, he will stand up to her and put her in her place in a loving way and not allow his boundaries to be violated. That’s what healthy men do. And there’s plenty of guys that are toxic fathers, that have toxic relationships with their daughters, but just because they get along well with their daughter doesn’t mean the relationship is a healthy one.
And so, what I see a lot of guys do is they bend that reality that they see, and just go, “Oh, she’s got a good relationship with her dad,” but he completely ignores the fact that the dad is a little beta male bitch and just gets walked all over. His wife doesn’t respect him, his daughter doesn’t respect him, and the other kids don’t respect them. That’s not a healthy father figure. That guy is not going to be able to raise a good woman who has integrity, who loves her mom, loves her dad, who communicates in a healthy way.
I had one just recently with a guy that was in a similar situation. And on top of that, this particular girl flies off the handle and cusses out her father, cussing him out. And initially in the beginning of the phone call, he was trying to convince me that she’s got a good relationship with her dad, and so, therefore, this doesn’t apply to her. But as I get into it and I ask questions about the family and the dynamic, and then you point those things out, then begrudgingly, the guy admits it and kind of sees that.
Because deep down, we don’t want to admit that we made a bad choice. Nobody does, especially if you’ve been with somebody for a couple of years and you’re having problems. The last thing you want to believe is that you made a bad choice. And it’s just, some people you just can’t have a good relationship with. It’s not fixable. Not every situation is solvable. Again, you can’t make good wine from bad grapes. And so that’s what we’ll see here with these two guys that are putting up with it.
First Viewer’s Email:
So, here is my take. So, I’ve been dating this girl for 4 years now on and off, maybe split 4 times. She also runs back to her so called friend. I know they’ve been dating as well. I took the advice, walked away for about 5 months. She calls me one day, says to hangout. We go on a walk, and she tells me her and that guy been fighting. Typical stuff.
So what happens? She’s not happy with the guy. She goes running back to him, and he might just be one of two other three dudes that she’s reaching out to. This is the Frankenstein type boyfriend. She’s got the guy that she’s sleeping with. In this case, she’s got the guy that she was sleeping with, and now she’s pulling him back in and pushing the other guy away. And she just bounces back and forth between these guys, because she never learned what healthy was. The dad’s obviously absentee, not there, not masculine, whatever it happens to be. A woman that behaves this way did not grow up in a healthy family. That’s the bottom line.
Obviously, I know what she wants to do, hook up. And yeah, we hung out twice. Then I had my old feelings come back, and she feeds me a bunch of bullshit I want to hear. I don’t trust her though.
And you should not.
And after that day she ghosted me.
Big shock. Because, what’s the downside risk for her? She’s got two or three other dudes. It’s not really a big deal. And if you’ve gone back to her and gone back pursuing after you supposedly walked away, she doesn’t figure you’re going to walk away forever. She figures after a few months or a few weeks, “You’ll be back.” And that enables her behavior.
And FYI, she left me for that guy when we broke up. Its been 3 days of no contact. So, I messaged her saying she’s better off staying with the other guy.
This is a dude that’s cherry picking information, and he’s trying to use no contact as a technique. He’s not understanding, you go no contact because you’ve walked away from the negotiating table, because a deal is not possible. You don’t tell somebody I’m not interested in your deal, and then call them back three days later. That’s not how this works. This is a guy that has no emotional self-control.
I told her my goodbye, not in a nice way, but made it clear. I texted her guy saying to fix it with her and keep her away from me and changed my number. It obviously hurts me, but I know she’s being a fake bitch. Anyway, how do I get over the low pit feeling in my stomach?
Get back on the horse and recognize the fact that you can’t have a healthy relationship with somebody like this, dude. It’s never going to work. All these years off and on, it’s the same thing. She’s always going to have other dudes. When she’s happy, things are good between you. Just like with the other guy. When she’s happy with the other guy, you don’t hear from her. Soon as things go sideways, she’s reaching out to you.
I feel like I lost my soulmate again because of me being stupid.
So now he’s blaming himself because he made a bad choice, but he’s ignoring the fact that she’s just toxic. A girl who comes from a healthy family, when a relationship’s not working and she knows it’s not going to work, she’s just going to leave. She’s not going to bounce back and forth between him and two or three other dudes. She’s going to take time to heal. She’ll get together with her family, her girlfriends. She’ll re-establish her life. And then when she feels ready, she’ll start saying yes to the dating invitations, which are always coming in, because women are never really out of the game. They’re always getting hit on.
Unlike guys where, when we’re in a relationship, we stop making an effort to hit on women. That’s why it takes guys a little longer to get back into the single life when they’ve been involved with one particular woman, just because they get out of practice. With women, they’re always getting hit on, and they’re always saying no when they’re taken, but as soon as they’re no longer taken, all they have to do is start saying yes to the date invitations that they get.
Do you think I should message her my new number?
Come on man. Dude, you changed your number and now you’re going, “Hey Coach, do you think I should send it to her?” Why? So you can invite more of this and enable her behavior? At some point, some guy’s got to have the balls to stand up to her and say, “I’m out of here. I’m not going to put up with this. Have a nice life. Au revoir and adieu.“
I am really not wanting to because if she wanted to get a hold of me, she would come knocking on my door, right?
Maybe, but at the end of the day, why would you want this back? As Gerald Celente says at the Trends Research Institute, “Current events form future trends.” So you’ve got four years of history. What’s going to change? Nothing.
Again, all I’m trying to do is not be depressed anymore.
You’ve got to meet somebody new. Read my book 10 to 15 times and get out there and start practicing it, because you’ve got no other choices and no other options. And so you’re sitting around, rejection breeds obsession. Your girl ran off with some other dude. She’s started to come back, but she didn’t come back all the way. Rejection breeds obsession, because now she’s disappeared, and now you want to go after her, instead of taking a step back and saying, “What do I really want in my life? What kind of woman do I want? What kind of relationship do I want?”
Make a list of all the qualities that you want in a woman, because if you do a list of all the qualities you want and that you don’t want, it’s an exercise. It’s in my book “How To Be A 3% Man.” Follow that, you’ll be able to look at the list and then look at her and go, “This girl’s not a match. She’s not even on the paper anywhere. She doesn’t even come close to being what I’m looking for.” And then you’ve got to meet new women.
You’ve got to get out there and practice these things. If you just sit around and you wait for this toxic chick to come back, and you don’t practice, you don’t get any better. When she does reach out, or if she reaches out, you’re still the same guy. You haven’t improved. And as a man, your goal, on a daily basis, should be to try to get a little better today than you were yesterday.
When you sit around and you mope and you sulk about toxic women like this, and you don’t read the book, and you don’t interact with new women, you don’t apply any of the skills, you’re not going to get better. You’re not trying to get better. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue, dude, and you’re not doing that.
This girl has a huge influence on me unlike any other girl I’ve encountered.
Well, that’s because you keep giving that to her. You keep giving your power away.
I just want to be happy.
Well, you’re not going to be happy with her, dude. You had four years.
Obviously, I just need to keep her away from me, right?
That would probably be ideal, because you’ve got four years of history knowing that it ain’t working out.
I thought I could do the FWB thing like we used to, but I always end up being the one tripping. Did I do the right thing?
If she’s toxic and you wanted to get her out of your life and change your phone number, I think it was a great idea, especially if you don’t trust yourself and you don’t have any self-control. That’s a good thing to exercise right now. Try to exercise self-control, and never call or text her again for any reason.
And why would I still be all hurt over this?
This is because rejection breeds obsession. This wasn’t your choice. She pushed you away and you’ve done nothing to help yourself. That’s why you’re not feeling any better.
I feel at a new low, so I’m reaching out to you to help me get back up.
Well, you’ve got to help yourself, dude. I can’t do it for you. Everybody has ups and downs and their life. Life’s a bitch. Life’s a motherfucker at times. Life’s not all sunshine and roses. Nobody’s coming to save you, nobody’s coming to help you, nobody’s coming to rescue you. You have to do that yourself.
I’ve been running and hanging with girls to keep my mind busy, but it’s not the same. I feel like I did the wrong thing.
You’re just impatient. Your skills aren’t getting better. Success is making progress. And if you’re not reading the book and you’re not applying it and you don’t see yourself getting better, you’re not making any progress. And if you don’t feel like you’re making any progress, you’re not going to feel like a very successful man. That’s why you feel the way you feel.
Your goal should be to get really good with this stuff. Get good to the point where interacting and talking with women is like breathing, like ordering a happy meal at McDonald’s, it’s not a big deal. Because when the right girl comes along, it’s always out of left field. You’re never expected it in the moment. It just happens.
And if you’ve done the work ahead of time, if you practiced ahead of time, it’ll be easy and effortless to talk to her, get a number, make a date on the spot and start hanging out, having fun and hooking up, and following the progression that’s in “How To Be A 3% Man.” And if you haven’t read “How To Be A 3% Man” yet, you can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you have to do is subscribe to the email newsletter.
And also, you should be reading “Mastering Yourself ” to help you get focused on your purpose and your mission in life. That’s also available for free once you subscribe to the newsletter.
If you get busy taking care of yourself, and improving yourself, and making yourself better, you will feel better, you will look better, and more women will notice you. Because if you’re just sulking and being butt-hurt all the time, you’re going to be invisible to other women. You’ve got to participate in your your own rescue, dude. Get off your ass and do something to help yourself right now.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I’ve been following your work for a long time, and I just want to say thank you for all your wisdom. A few months back, my girlfriend of 3 years basically told me that she felt I didn’t care about her and that she wanted to break up with me. She told me that I hardly ever called her and I hardly spent time with her. I was completely surprised, because I realized that I had become complacent, and so I communicated with her and I decided to immediately change my act.
If I was doing a phone session with this guy and I look at that, I’d say, “Well, why did you become complacent? Why did you no longer make the effort?” And usually 99% of the time, it’s because the guy wasn’t really into her and he knew he didn’t really want to be with her, but to go from being in a relationship, to being single, to meeting somebody new, there’s a time frame. You’ve got to traverse that period of time.
To going from being in a relationship you’re not happy in, to being in a relationship with somebody else that you are happy in, there’s a period of time, and most people, they don’t like that that valley that they have to go through. They don’t like the process of being single. Therefore, they avoid it and they stay in these unhappy, unfulfilling relationships, hoping things are just going to get better, or that they’ll be able to use what’s in my book to change the woman. It’s just not how this stuff works, dude.
A few weeks of fixing up my mistakes, I could see her attraction level was starting to creep up again. Now a month after her basically trying to break up with me, I had to go move to a different city for my job. I was only training there for 3 months and was going to come back. She basically called me to tell me that she was into some other guy and the she needed to take a break. Within a day, of going a date with this other guy, she was back telling me she had made a mistake.
So, here you’ve got another chick bouncing back and forth between her supposed boyfriend, who she’s in a relationship with, and in essence, she’s dating you while she’s dating him and just going where her emotions take her. If she feels better about some other guy, she’s going to go spend time with that other guy. If she feels better with you, she’ll spend time with you. You can’t have a healthy, monogamous relationship with a woman that’s behaving this way. It just doesn’t work.
And the reality is, you weren’t that into her to begin with. That’s why you weren’t making the effort, because deep down, you didn’t feel she was worthy or worth it. If you love somebody, you care about them, and they’re always taking good care of you, you want to make sure that they’re taken care of as well. And you will do the little things.
And the reality is you weren’t feeling it, but because she went off and ran off to one of her backup boyfriends, now you’re like, “Oh, it’s my dream girl, I’ve got to fix this.” Say you fix it, and say you get her back in love and she blows this other guy off. What happens? She’s still the same person. Three months, four months down the road, five months down the road, a few weeks down the road, you’re going to wake up one day and go, she’s not feeling it. And then the same thing will happen. You’ll go back to not making the effort that’s required to keep her happy and keep her mostly into you.
And the way she behaves when things aren’t going well, she just starts calling other guys, even though she supposedly is in a relationship with you. She doesn’t value loyalty. She doesn’t value exclusivities. Her word means nothing. So she’s selfish, she’s narcissistic, and she’s going to do what makes her happy. She doesn’t care about rubbing another dude in your face, because you keep taking her back and putting up with it.
I took her back and we continued the relationship. While I was in training, I tried to reach out to her maybe 2 times a week, but as the weeks progressed, she was giving me only 5 minutes of her time and basically hanging up on me.
Oh, wow. That just sounds fun. Yeah. Let me have some more of that. Come on, man.
As soon as my training finished, I tried setting a date with her, but she wouldn’t give me a date, so I did the takeaway.
So, again, you’re pursuing a woman that’s blowing you off, and pushing you away and rubbing another guy in your face. Your attitude should be, “Look, we’re in a relationship. If you want to date somebody else, then great, you can go date other people, and I’m going to date other people. And if you want a chance at working things out, give me a call.”
But, you know, she’s not treating him well, that’s the other thing he’s ignoring here. He’s not matching and mirroring her actions back to her. She pushes him away, then he pursues her more. If she’s pushing you away you’re like, “Bye bitch. I’ll see you later. I’m going to go find somebody else.” Not that you’re going to say that, you’re just going to happily go on down the road to find somebody who loves you, who values you and who respects you.
It’s not like, “Hey, let’s take a time out in our relationship, because I’m going to go date and sleep with this other guy, and I’ll see how I feel about it. If it doesn’t work out, then I may come back and consider taking you back as my boyfriend.” I don’t think so.
She immediately changed her mind, and gave a date and time she was available. We scheduled the date 2 weeks in advance, but during this 2 week period she began to pursue me more by calling me 3 times and spending more time on the phone.
So her interest was going up, because you backed off and you backed away. You displayed masculinity. Obviously, it attracted to her, to you.
Over the weekend, we had a party at a mutual friend’s house, and she was also going to be there. I went to the party and in the beginning, she was talking to me and giving me signs of attraction, but as the party progressed, she seemed mad at me and she was spending more time with the other guy who was also at this party.
Oh, boy, that sounds fun. So she’s got both of you there at this party. I don’t know, maybe you have mutual friends or whatever. That’s kind of awkward.
When the party ended, I could tell that she clearly was upset about something. What should I do? Should I just wait for the date, or should I call her?
I would just go out on a date, but I mean, at the end of the day, this other guy is there in front of you, Will she keep the date? Maybe, maybe not. But you ask yourself, do you really want to go on a date with this girl who’s going to a party, and this other guy that she’s supposedly dating and sleeping with is there as well? I mean, it have some self-respect, dude. I mean, seriously — rubbing another man in your face at a party. Why would you want that? I wouldn’t put up with that. I’d be like, no thanks.
But you’ve got a date. Maybe she keeps it, maybe she doesn’t. Flip a coin, it could go either way. It’s doubtful that she’ll actually keep the date, but I don’t know. I don’t know how your interactions were going, but maybe you were trying to act like you didn’t care. I don’t know what was going on.
But obviously, with the other dude being there, especially if he shows up and she’s seeing him, she’s probably not trying to give him the impression that she’s with you. And she’s bouncing back and forth between both of you. I would never put up with this. I would just go date somebody else. It’s like, you’re not a priority to her. You’re just a backup, and you’re enabling her behavior.
A man who values himself and loves themselves is going to be like, “Hey, you guys deserve each other. Wish you all the best,” and then go date somebody else. I would never call, or text or pursue a woman like this for any reason. Right out of “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” you don’t chase after women that push you away. You just simply don’t. Since they screwed the relationship up, she’s the one saying she needs space. You don’t chase after or call or pursue a woman in any way who’s telling you she needs space, because all you’re going to do when you keep not giving her space is push her into the arms of another guy.
But like I said, you can’t make good wine from bad grapes. But, you know, you’re probably a glutton for punishment and maybe you need a little bit more abuse at the hands of this woman before you finally pull the ripcord and go find somebody else. I would not waste my time with her. But it’s your life, you do whatever you want. You do you boo-boo, whatever makes you happy.
So, again, if you haven’t read “Mastering Yourself,” my second book, or my first book “How to Be A 3% Man,” you can read them both for free and UnderstandingRelationships.com, just subscribe to the email newsletter. Obviously the sweet mug’s and the sweet T-shirts are available at Teespring.com at the Coach Corey Wayne store.
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“Toxic, insecure and weak women usually never just have one guy they give their attention and love to. Due to their upbringing and lack of a strong, stable, masculine father figure to raise them properly, they tend to create Frankenstein boyfriends that consist of several different men who fill different roles. They have guys who do favors for them, guys who take them on dates but are stuck in platonic friend zone and the guys who they sleep with. These women get their needs fulfilled by several different men and often are very toxic and not healthy to have exclusive monogamous relationships with, because they simply don’t have the skills, experience or integrity to be loyal and faithful to any one man. The best candidates for monogamous relationships are women who come from healthy families, who love their mom and dad and who have a good balanced relationship themselves. These women are extremely rare, but definitely worth the wait.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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