What you should do if you have trouble maintaining confidence when your current life circumstances do not yet match the ideals that you aspire to.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss a short email from a guy who for the first time in his life is dating a woman who is a total “10,” and he shares the contrast of how people treat him when he is with his girlfriend versus when he is by himself. When he’s with his smoke-show of a girlfriend, doors open and people treat him like he’s royalty or a celebrity. However, when he is by himself, people treat him like he’s just another average guy and mostly ignore him.
It’s very upsetting and disconcerting to him, and he says it has a dramatic shift in his overall level of confidence and how he feels about himself when he’s not with his girlfriend. He wants to know what he can do to maintain his high level of confidence when his girlfriend is not with him. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I recently purchased your “How To Be A 3% Man” book and I’m really enjoying it so far.
I seem to be having trouble maintaining confidence in public when I am not with my current hot girlfriend. I’ve dated many 7-8’s in my life, but about six months ago I began dating a 10. Every time we are together, doors just seem to magically open. Example, recently we were waiting in line at the grocery store and suddenly five different guys in front of us let us jump the line to the very front.
(We all respond to the alpha males and the alpha females the same way. We tend to be nicer and treat them like royalty. And obviously, this woman is being treated this way because she’s one of the most beautiful women the average dude is going to encounter. But it’s not going to last forever. As she gets older and her looks start to fade a little bit, as they do for all of us as we age, people are not going to pay that kind of attention to her anymore.
The key is, you can’t seek validation in other people or circumstances or things outside of yourself, because if those people or circumstances are no longer in your life, then everything that you wrapped up in getting your validation from, now they’re gone. That’s why it’s so tough when you have a breakup. Everything that you are is associated with being is with that person. Then everything is separate, and you’re basically where you were before you met them.
That’s why it’s so important, as I talk about in my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” that you get to a place in life where you’re really happy, you love yourself, you love your life and you love your lifestyle when you’re single. Because if you’re looking towards another person, the ultimate woman or the ultimate job to make you happy, then you’re seeking validation in something outside of yourself.
When people go to the moon or they win the Super Bowl, how do you top that? That particular event, that achievement, is just one particular moment in time. Therefore, if you want to maintain your level of happiness and your confidence, your happiness has to come internally. And it comes because you decide what things mean to you.
Yeah, it’s great to have a woman that’s total 10, but are you getting up every day excited about your life, excited to share it with your girl? At the end of the day, you’re really doing it for you, and that’s one of the reasons why your girlfriend loves you. It’s because you have goals, ambitions, dreams and things you are pursuing. And you’ve got to always be that guy.
A lot of times, I do phone sessions or answer emails from people where the woman is no longer in their life, and now they’re not happy, because that particular person is not there. Well the reality is, they’re not enjoying their lives. Maybe they’re not going for the things they really want, or maybe they’re just labeling their circumstances, “Because X or Y is missing from my life, I’m going to be unhappy.” But the key is, your happiness is a conscious choice that you make, day in and day out.
No matter what’s going on in your life, you can decide to be happy about it, or you can decide that things suck, and they don’t have much meaning for you. So you have to find a way to focus on what you want and most importantly, why you want it. Then you can take the actions necessary to make it happen. And you do it for you, because it makes you happy. You’re never going to be happy if you live your life according to other people’s expectations.)
I have no problem reaping these benefits when we are together. It’s like walking around with a celebrity when I am with her, but plummeting down to a near invisible nobody when I am not. I just wish I did not see such a dramatic shift.
(When you’re with your girlfriend, everyone’s giving you praise, but you’ve got to find reasons internally of why to be happy. It really is a conscious choice. We all go through ups and downs in life, but it really is something you have to put time and attention on, looking for reasons to be happy. Whatever you focus on is going to expand.
If you become totally wrapped up in her being with you, then deep down you start to fear, “What happens when she’s not with me? What happens if she finds somebody better? Will my girlfriend still stay with me?” When those thoughts start, that’s a scarcity mindset. If deep down you don’t believe you’re worthy enough, and it’s just a matter of time before she leaves you, then you’re going to start doing and saying things that are going to cause your girlfriend’s perception of you to change.
Instead of her feeling like she’s got an awesome guy with her, then she’s going to start thinking “Maybe he’s not the best guy for me.” If she starts to pull away, and you’re driven by fear, because you’re looking for validation in her, you start to pursue more and it just becomes a vicious cycle until she ghosts you or breaks up with you and sticks you in friendzone. Then you’re in full-blown panic mode.
You’re not being focused enough on your own life, what you’re trying to do and having the attitude of, “I’m fucking awesome too. I bring a lot to the table as well.” You have to perceive yourself as a catch, and you want to act from that place. If you ended up losing a girl that’s a 10, if you have a lot of self-confidence and you’ve done this before, because repetition is the mother of skill, then you know deep down, even though it’s going to sting, eventually you’ll find somebody better for you, and you really believe that way.
If you have an abundance mentality, no matter what it is, friends, money, houses, cars, girlfriends, opportunity, there’s always another chance that there will be another one that comes along. If I were you, I would get refocused on your mission and your purpose in life.)
I also run a YouTube channel and have about 75k followers. I’ll put a link below. Maybe I will do a shout out for your book in my next video.
(Well, I appreciate that. At the end of the day, you could look at it and say, “You know what, I may be dating a woman who’s a 10, but I’ve got 75 thousand YouTube subscribers, and she doesn’t.” So in a way, she could possibly be thinking, “People are responding to me because I’m with him.” Did you ever consider that possibility? If you have an abundance mentality and you see yourself as being awesome, then yeah, “My girlfriend’s a smoke show, but I’ve got 75 thousand YouTube followers, because I’ve got something to say that a lot of people want to listen to. Therefore, I’m awesome. I’m a catch as well.”
It’s like Warren Buffet said, “Risk comes from not knowing what you’re doing.” If you’ve read my second book, “Mastering Yourself,” I talk about my business career and the things I went through. If you look at the successes as well as the failures, you’ll see as you go through life, things are going to change. You’ve got to be willing to adapt to change. That’s one of the best things you can do as life progresses. Be open to change. A lot of people become so stuck and so fearful in the way they’ve done things, they have a hard time embracing change.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Confidence comes from knowing what to do and doing it really well. Risk, fear, worry and doubt are the result of not knowing what you’re doing. Repetition is the builder of skills and confidence. Being happy about yourself and your life is the result of building a body, life and lifestyle that is emotionally compelling and fulfilling to you. When you’re not living up to your full potential, playing it safe and not stepping outside of your comfort zone, this has a negative effect on how you perceive yourself and what you’re willing to do to move your life forward. When you are expanding beyond your comfort zone and taking risks to make your dreams a reality, you’ll feel inspired and confident enough to take even more risks to grow and improve your life. To reach your full potential and be at your best personally, you’ve got to know what you want, why you want it and be taking consistent action to make it a reality.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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