In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating his girlfriend for five years now. They met in high school and are now both in their early twenties. They have had a great relationship up until this past year. His girlfriend had always wanted to go skiing in Canada for several months. He is still finishing up his master’s degree. After she got to Canada, she was having such a good time that she wanted to stay longer. Then she said that she wanted to stay indefinitely.
He became jealous, needy, controlling and acted like a total jackass because he was insecure about the guys who were there and hitting on her. This led to constant arguing due to his insecurities, and she broke up with him. He found my work and eventually turned things around, and they got back together. However, now she wants to go back to Canada next ski season for four months. He wants to put his foot down and tell her no. He’s also thinking about proposing to her over the next two years. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I’ve been watching your videos nonstop for the past few weeks, and they have been extremely helpful. You’re the best at this stuff, so I wanted to see if you could help my case. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 5 years now. We met in grade 10, started dating in year 11 and we are now at 22 years of age. I love her immensely, and until recently, we have had a great relationship, which was loving. However, 6 months ago she left to go skiing for two months in Canada, as that is something she has always wanted to do. (This is something she’s always wanted to do and you should nurture and support that. When you give her the freedom to come and go as she pleases, you will see if she will be loyal and faithful when you’re apart.) Before she left, she told me not to forget about her. We talked frequently while she was overseas. However, I began to get clingy and jealous when she told me on the phone about guys that would hit on her and the parties she was going to, (She’s telling you about these parties and people hitting on her, because she cares about you and respects you. The worst thing you can do is get needy, clingy and controlling. She will stop telling you these things if she doesn’t think you can handle it), while I had to stay at university and study for my masters degree. I really lost it when she told me she wanted to stay for three months, then four, and then indefinitely, because she was having so much fun. (You should be happy for her. Maybe you can go visit her there.) I felt so abandoned and unappreciated, because I missed her so much and ended up fighting until the relationship ended. (What you really wanted to do is control her, because you were afraid you were going to lose her. Control is an illusion. You’re asking her to modify her life and her behavior so you don’t feel insecure. A relationship will never last when you behave that way. If you love her, you want to give her the freedom to come and go as she pleases. If she really loves you, she’ll come back to you. If you create drama, she’ll never come back to you.) This was one month into the trip.
She came home 3 months after we broke up, and we both had slept with other people. It was a first time for both of us sleeping with others outside of this relationship, due to our age. We managed to patch things up and have been back together for another 6 months, bringing our total time together to 5 years. The problem is, she wants to go back to Canada again next year for another 4 months. (If you’re considering marrying this girl, you want to see what she’ll do and if she’ll be loyal when she goes away.) She tells me this time will be different, and we wont break up, because I seem to have my shit together more, thanks to your advice, but I can’t help but feel history will repeat itself, (There’s nothing you can do about it. You have to let her go and see if she’s trustworthy), because she said it was easy for her to forget about me when she was overseas having fun. (If you give her the space and the freedom to do that, you’ll get to know who she really is.)
I am thinking about proposing to her within the next two years, but at the same time, I feel as though it’s a bit of a red flag that she is willing to risk our relationship again to go overseas, and I know I wouldn’t do the same. (You should encourage her to go, so you will know if she can be faithful. You shouldn’t consider getting married if you don’t know that yet.) Should I be supportive of her wanting to do this again and not freak out on minor things like last time, (Absolutely, because if she’s a cheater, there’s nothing you can do about it), as I’m more informed now, or should I be putting my foot down as a man that this is not supportive behavior for our relationship, (It has nothing to do with your relationship. It has everything to do with your insecurity and fear that you’ll lose her to another man), and I do not feel valued. I know you tell guys to have a relaxed approached to many situations, but I don’t know if the amount of time we have been together should change my approach. (Let her know, if she wants to continue to be your girlfriend, she can’t go out with other guys. The only way to find out is to see what she does while she’s away. You’ve got to love in such a way that the person you love feels free.)
Thanks for your help Corey,
“True love in relationship is the freedom to come and go as you please, and do what you want when you want and with whom you want. The purpose of all relationships is that you go there to give, not to possess and control. To share your completeness, grow and become more than you are today. To meet each others needs. When you try and restrict your lover’s freedom out of your own insecurity, weakness and fear of losing them, you will inevitably lose them when they realize, they can’t be who they are as long as they stay with you. When you give your lover the freedom to be who they are and come and go as they please, they will love you more, appreciate you and want to be even closer to you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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