Trust

Jun 25, 2018 by Coach Corey Wayne
Photo by iStock.com/Deagreez

How to know if your girlfriend is trustworthy and if you can truly forgive and forget violations of that trust and still stay together.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend for six years. Two years ago, he was diagnosed with cancer and spent the first six months of last year getting chemotherapy and treatment. Last summer he noticed a guy commenting on his girlfriend’s Facebook posts with love hearts and other inappropriate comments. When he asked her about it, she said the guy was just a friend. He has continually caught her in lies and half-truths about this other guy.

He feels like a fool, and now trust is a distant memory with her. He asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.

Hi Corey,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 6 years. In November, 2016 I was diagnosed with bowel cancer, and in February 2017 started 6 months of chemotherapy.

(That really sucks. I’m sorry to hear that man.)

In July 2017, I noticed a guy commenting on my girlfriend’s Facebook post, posting love hearts, etc. in the like space. When I questioned her about him, she said he was just “a friend.”

iStock.com/PeopleImages

(I would believe that is a true statement, however, he’s “a friend” until he oops!, ends up inside of her, which is basically how it happens. Then they say, “Well, it just kind of happened.” But the reality is, she’s giving off some kind of signals, or has entertained this guy’s invitation if you will, to make him think, “Hey, I’ve got a shot here.”

Her boyfriend’s sick, she’s not happy, she’s feeling lonely or she needs somebody to talk to, because he’s in the hospital all the time — whatever it happens to be. I feel bad for you. It’s a shitty situation to be in. You’re going through a difficult time like this, and you want your girl to be on your side, not talking to other guys.

The reality is, the world is full of people who are not going to have the same kinds of goals and values as you and I, and they really don’t give a fuck about other people. They’re ruthless, and they really don’t care. And when you go through a difficult time, you find out who’s really on your team.

We’re all going to come across scoundrels. If you read my second book, “Mastering Yourself,” I wrote about the scoundrels I’ve come across in my life, and how they either tried to fuck me over or were successful at fucking me over. But you will also read, karma catches up with everybody. You reap what you sow eventually.)

It turns out they were texting and talking every other day. Yes, I checked her phone. That’s how I found out. This guy blew up her phone several times a day with text and calls. I’ve caught her on several occasions lying to me, and all along she said nothing happened between them.

(Would you trust somebody who said that, especially when you looked through the phone messages? That just sucks, but the reality is, your girlfriend is a liar. You know she’s a liar because you’ve caught her in multiple lies. You’re not going to change her. She’s learned to survive in the world by lying and getting away with it through many decades. It’s completely unrealistic to think she’s going to go through some metamorphosis and become an honest person because of something you do.

It’s best to presuppose and assume that she’s always going to be this way. Eventually the person that’s a liar and a cheater gets a taste of their own medicine. Sometimes it makes them reconsider the way they’re showing up in life, but oftentimes it makes them become even more of what they already are.)

I was knocked back by the events. Trust now seems a distant memory amidst the hurt of being made a fool of when you’re ill.

(The way I look at it is, what happened happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way. It’s an opportunity to realize, you could look at your illness as a blessing in disguise, because before getting married or going further in the relationship, now you know what you’ve got. If you’re going through a tough time and your girlfriend is bored or wants some more excitement in her life, this is how she’s going to treat you when you’re unavailable. She’s going to screw around with other guys, and she’s going to lie to you about the true nature of what’s really going on, because she doesn’t fucking care.

That’s the way she shows up. It’s just easier to lie to you and hopefully, potentially get away with it, because she’s probably had lots of other people in her life that validated that lying is a viable way to go through life.)

I’ve read your book 5-6 times, and even bought a second copy when I mislaid the first one, but now have one beside the bed and one in the car.

(That tells me you’re a serious student, so that’s great.)

Any advice would be gratefully accepted.

P.S. She was caught by me posting a song by the group Foreigner, “I Want To Know What Love Is” to this guy on Facebook, but made it public by mistake, claiming it was a prank, all when we were out having a meal.

iStock.com/PeopleImages

(That should pretty much tell you everything that you need to know about her. You’re never going to get the truth out of this particular woman. She’s going to give you whatever kind of lie she thinks you’ll swallow hook, line and sinker.

What you have here is a woman who is more ideally suited for an open relationship, friends with benefits, fuck buddy type of relationship. She just doesn’t value loyalty and she has no problem going behind your back and entertaining offers from other men. That’s just the way she is. So you can either accept that or you can be stubborn and smack yourself over the head with a fucking hammer, thinking if you do that enough times, she’s going to change.

The reality is, she doesn’t value loyalty, honesty, communication or commitment. The longer you’re with somebody, the more complacent you become. It happens slowly over time. This is how this woman is going to behave when you’re not around, and she’s bored or wants attention. She’s going to entertain offers from other men. She’s going to invite it.

You’ve got to decide whether or not that’s acceptable to you. You’ve got to decide whether or not to change your relationship into an open relationship or fuck buddy type of relationship, or say, “You know what, fuck it. This has completely opened my eyes. I’ve caught you in countless lies about this guy. Why don’t you go be with him, and I’m going to go find somebody else, because I don’t believe a fucking word that’s coming out of your mouth.” Or you could say, “Let’s date other people. We can continue to date, but if you’re looking to settle down, that’s unrealistic.”

It all boils down to, what is your outcome for your personal life? What are you okay with? Maybe you’re the type who never wants to get married. Maybe you’re open to entertaining an open relationship. That means both of you are willing to date an sleep with whomever you want. It’s up to you. At least you know what you’re dealing with. It’s completely unrealistic to think this woman is ever going to be faithful to you or any other guy.)

Kindest regards,

Bob

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“Love cannot exist where there is no trust. Dishonest liars and cheaters believe that given the right circumstances, everyone would lie and cheat. It is not wise or realistic to enter into exclusive, monogamous relationships with people who have a history of lying and cheating and expect them to be faithful and honor their commitments. Why? They simply do not value loyalty or commitments based upon their previous actions. If you are going to be romantically involved with partners who are incapable of being faithful, it’s best to have an open relationship or a friends with benefits type of relationship that honors their true nature, or find someone else to date who shares your goals and values.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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Published on June 25, 2018

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Dearest Corey,

    I know you are receiving hundreds of emails a day, but this is a success story, please disregard if you’ve had enough of those, nothing personal.

    I’ve had a date yesterday, after grieving for 6 months after a 3 year relationship (she would lie profusely, cheated). I haven’t yet read your book, but I watched your videos extensively, some of them twice. You often come up with the same advice, so it really got into my head. (the cat, loving means letting her feel free, all of that).

    I met her at a party, she FB friended me the next day. She’s a visual artist, I’m a musician. We live in Dresden, Germany. I tried to chit-chat a bit with her about her art, but she’d be luke-warm in her responses, so I dropped it, leaving her last sentence unanswered. (I’m a busy man, if you’re not interested, neither am I). A couple of weeks went by, then I ran into her on the street. We talked and talked, I went to the store for more beers, and picked up some pickles also. (a bit playful and generous, to a minimum).

    We went back to my house, saying she had to pee, and talked some more, about everything in life, especially regarding to relationships. Next day she wrote, ‘By the way it was very nice last time… See you soon’ (helloooo ? I’m interested !). A couple of days later I wrote back (tennis), ‘Yeah, why don’t we continue it having a pick-nick ?’ (playful). On that day, I bought very good food. Cost me $30. (contrast, showing evident reciprocal interest). On the way to the park, I told her, ‘I’ll show you something before we get there’. ‘What ?’ she asked. ‘You’ll see’ – with a smirk on my face (mysterious).

    I showed her where I teach music, they have a grand piano there and I played her some Mozart. It was in the bag and I knew it, yet I did not hurry. (give her space and time). A couple of things happened on our way to the park, and I took initiative, showed some leadership. At the pick-nick we talked again about everything in life, especially relationships, and by the end it was midnight.

    Went back to my place, and I told her I can figure out any tune she’d ask me to, within 48 hours. (a challenge). She’s a U2 fan. After some thinking, she wrote the song she picked in her head on a piece of paper and passed it to me : ‘All I want is you’.

    Then she wanted to go to a bar. It was 2 am. I played a little hard-to-get, stating it was late, instead of immediately agreeing (I’m not your little puppy).

    So we went the the bar, talked some more. I showed some leadership, sometimes being a bit daring (self-control, centered, being who I am), keeping it playful. She would talk to me very rapidly, inundating me with words. By that time it was 6 am.

    The kiss at the end was the easiest one I’ve ever had to give : she gave it to me as much as I gave it to her.

    Now I’m going to wait, (I have a purpose, I am my own man) but no more than 2 days. Dresden is a relatively small provincial town – I’m from Montreal. 7 days in that context would be too much. But I have a feeling she’s going to reach me first. If I have to do it first, I’m going to say something like, ‘Hey, I have to prepare some lessons, but I’d love to make some time for you’. (doing 80% of the chasing at the beginning).

    I know you are extremely busy, but if in any case you’d want to make a video of this, to promote your videos, I’d like it if you’d send me a link, so I can not miss it.

    Your stuff works, Corey. I went from Beta to now almost Alpha. Throughout the evening I showed no weakness, only talked about positive stuff, made her laugh.

    Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

    Yours sincerely,

    Maxim Anderson.

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