Why trusting in other people, loving them and feeling safe requires you to step outside of your comfort zone, risk getting hurt and to accept the reality some people are inevitably going to hurt you and break your heart.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a twenty-eight year old, female viewer who is struggling with being feminine, vulnerable and loving others due to her emotionally abusive and controlling father. She recognizes that due to the traumatic and unloving nature of the family she grew up in, this caused her to be shy, sometimes cold and unaffectionate, insecure and even inhibits her ability to let go and enjoy sex. She is very comfortable in her masculine energy, which helps her in her career and in business, but not being comfortable in her feminine energy causes problems in her romantic life.
She says when she interacts with a man she has romantic interest in, she changes completely and has a hard time feeling safe and comfortable. During the past year, she has been working on her feminine side. She wants to know what she can do to feel less inhibited, more loving and more trusting. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
Thank you for giving yourself to the world by sharing your truth and insights. (It’s my purpose, and I love doing it.) Your material already helped me to understand so much more about relationships. I wonder if you would be so kind as to answer a specific question for me as a female. How to not be a “cold fish,” or more nicely put, how to be more open and emotionally expressive. Here is some background…
I grew up in a similar family environment as you describe yours, without a lot of touching, intimacy and support, and some emotional abuse and drama instead. I felt strongly disconnected from my father, not getting a lot of positive attention or strength from him. (When you grow up in an environment like that, you’re constantly in reactionary mode, trying not to piss people off. When you’re emotionally conditioned to think that is normal, you grow up very unsure of yourself and experience the same situations in your relationships.) He was a weak person, trying to cover up by dominance. (Being dominating tells me he was full of fear and anger, and he didn’t feel comfortable with himself.) We fought a lot, and things got really bad in my teenage years and escalated when I moved out to study. That was when I broke contact with him. (Sometimes you have to do that.) Through my childhood experiences, I learned to stand up for myself and not rely on anybody. (It’s true. When you’re in those kinds of situations, it teaches you self-reliance.) I display a lot of masculine behaviors – pursuing my dreams, being independent, and running my own business, but I suck at relationships and stay single over extended periods of time. (There’s nothing wrong with that. Why waste your time on a less than spectacular relationship? I highly recommend the DVD series, “Reclaiming Your True Identity: The Power of Vulnerability” by Tony Robbins. The woman in the video wasn’t comfortable in her natural femininity either. Most people are so fearful and don’t know how to get the kinds of people in their life they want, they’ll hold on to anything and just settle. It’s a courageous thing to take your power back and do what you want to do, without being influenced by somebody else.)
I can identify in myself a lot of traits about the shy, messed up girl, as you describe it in your videos – acting distant, not initiating touching or sex, feeling extremely insecure, having trouble to allow myself being completely taken, letting go and having orgasms with a partner. (If a woman doesn’t feel safe and comfortable in her own skin, she will have a hard time letting go and trusting a man. Being aware of how the environment you grew up in influences you can help you take control of the situation.) I am by no means shy in my normal social interactions, but when I am attracted to somebody, I change completely. (That’s the wrong thing to do, especially if you’re being driven by fear. Somebody may betray you, but that’s how you learn. Those experiences shape you. The idea is to not let it ruin you forever.) In the dating stage, there is a lot of insecurity about not being good enough and fear of coming across as needy if I show too many signs of interest. (That’s where my book can really help you, because you can learn how women naturally behave in a relationship. Dating Is Like Tennis. If you leave a message for a person, wait for them to get back to you.) I know that I really need to change my old patterns to be able to have a fulfilled relationship as I envision it.
I am 28 now and started to work on my feminine side about a year ago by being more vulnerable and honest in all my relationships and also admitting my weaknesses, instead of pretending that I have everything together. (There’s nothing wrong with putting it out there, and you shouldn’t be ashamed about it. This has shaped you, and you can help other people because of it. Everything that happens in life happens for a reason.) Sometimes my exercises come down to really basic things, like identifying what I am actually feeling at the moment. To be honest, it is rather painful, but yeah, I guess it is weakness leaving my body. (You’ve got to feel it to heal it. There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad and depressed. Things that end end because they’re supposed to. The idea is to get the lesson and learn from it, so you don’t repeat the same mistake going forward.) I would be very grateful if you could give me some ideas or insights on how to be less inhibited and more loving and trusting, while still maintaining healthy boundaries and stop acting out old behaviors in romantic relationships. (The more successful, self-reliant, independent and happy you become, people will attack you. Human beings tend to attack in other people what they’re disconnected from within themselves. Get out there, speak from your heart, put it out there and be proud of it. Don’t be afraid to take risks.) Thank you so much for your time and support Corey!
Love & Blessings,
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“One way you can help free yourself from fear of being hurt in your relationships is to accept the fact that as long as you are interacting with other human beings, some of them are going to hurt you, say or do mean things to you, and getting your heart broken is just an inevitable reality of life. The key is to be aware of and decide what meaning you assign to the circumstances of your life. It’s smart to ask yourself empowering questions like, “What’s good about this? How can I learn from this? How can this experience make me better going forward? Etc.” If you ask yourself good quality questions, even about negative events or experiences, you force your brain to come up with positive and empowering answers. It’s impossible to avoid feeling pain or negative emotions in life, but by being aware of your self-talk and asking yourself good quality questions, you can remain in control of your outcome and destiny, instead of being reactionary and feeling like life happens to you instead of for you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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