Trying Too Hard To Make Her Chase You Leads To Ghosting

Why trying too hard to make her chase you leads to ghosting.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 41-year-old viewer who has been following my work for about a year and has read 3% Man 7 times. He says, even after getting intimate on several dates, that women just seem to fade away and ghost him. It’s obvious from his email that he tries too hard to make women chase him, is lazy, and makes women feel like they are just a booty call and that he doesn’t really care for them.

He is cherry picking the book and maybe not very good in the bedroom, because they don’t seem to miss him at all. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of her email.

After reading his email, I can tell that part of what he’s doing is he’s cherry picking and he’s taking things too literally about what I talk about. And he’s also taking some of the dates that I talk about that you do when you’re trying to get an ex back and incorporating that into his normal dating and seduction with women he just started dating.

And then also, the other thing is he’s being extremely lazy and he’s just figures that all he has to do is sleep with a girl once, and then she’s just basically going to call him, come over, and sleep with him whenever he wants. He doesn’t have to take her out, he doesn’t have to date her, doesn’t have to talk to her, doesn’t really have to do anything. And that’s part of his problem here.

So, he’s cherry picking things from the book and basically treating women like a booty call that he first meets. They pick up on it right away, and this one woman he’s talking about here, you could just tell from some of the things she says, she’s basically made to feel like she was just a girl he was hooking up with and he didn’t care. And then, he’s surprised that they disappear on him.

So, it’s a good email to understand the difference between what you do when you’re trying to attract an ex back, and what you’re trying to do, and the process of getting a woman to a point where she’ll actually start calling you and texting you and eventually doing most of the calling, texting and pursuing, and all you have to do is make dates. But you can already tell, after he sees her a couple of times, he’s just basically inviting her over to his house all the time and not doing anything with her. And then she picks up on it right away, even mentions this to him, but it just sails right over his head.

Viewer’s Email:

Hello Coach,

I hope you are doing well! My name is Bob, I am 41 and have been following your work for about a year, and I’ve listened through Kindle audio, your first book, 7 times so far and continue to do so. I met a girl at the beach kiteboarding. She had high interest, so I set a date on the spot, two days ahead. I followed the plan from your book, and the date ended at my place with the indoor Olympics taking place. 

Well, as I talk about in “3% Man,” ideally you want to take her to three different places. So, how does that look? He’s meeting her at the beach, they talked for 10 or 15 minutes, made a date. He could tell she really liked him, so with something like that, you’re going to probably invite her to meet you out for drinks somewhere. Because, again, you haven’t spent much time with her, so you don’t really know whether or not you want to go to dinner and all these other things.

And so, you go and you have drinks, things go well, and then you can invite her to go somewhere else with you that’s nearby, because you’ve got to think of the logistics, and then have dinner together. And then after dinner, you go to a third place, maybe shoot some pool, throw some darts, maybe bowling, miniature golf, some kind of fun activity where you can interact. And Galaga or one of these old school video games or something. Maybe some of the places have go-carts, and you beat her at go-carts.

Maybe like a Dave and Buster’s kind of thing, where you can interact, and you can play video games with her, or pool, and just demolish her, and crush her, and and make fun of her, and have a good time at it. Because that facilitates physical interactions, her touching you, her playfully punching you when you just absolutely crush her.

Then, when you’re all over each other and making out, you can say, “Hey, why don’t we get out of here and go back to my place and open a bottle of wine?” And by then, she feels comfortable. Plus, you’ve gone to three different venues. Because most guys pick a girl up or they meet her out, they have drinks, and then that’s the end of the date. Here, you go to three different places together, and then ultimately, you end up back at your place, which technically will be the fourth place getting in and out of your car, or walking from venue to venue.

Maybe you live in a nice area where there’s all kinds of cool things that you can do within walking distance of wherever you live, or a short Uber, or train ride, or something like that. But the point being is it gives her the experience of being on multiple dates with you. That’s why it helps speed up the seduction process. And so, he does that on the first date, or I’m assuming he does, and then he just thinks, “Okay, well my work is done here. My pursuit is over. Now, she’ll just blow up my phone and be dying to see me, and all I have to do is invite her over to come to my place and have sex, and that’ll be the end of it.” It’s a bad, bad way to go.

You can see why most people never really achieve their dreams, because they’re just lazy and they do mediocre things. Most people tend to major in minor things. And this guy, already after one date of hooking up with her, he’s already short-cutting the process, because he thinks, “Oh, it doesn’t apply to me. I’ll just have her come over, then we can just get right to sex.”

Remember, what is the formula? Hang out, have fun, hook up. The hookup comes at the end. And then after the first date, he just basically treats it as, “We’ll just go straight to the hookup now. We’ll just skip the hanging out and the having fun,” which is what makes her feel like you care, and you want to hang out with her, and you want to show her a good time, and you want to go out and do something fun together.

I waited 4 days and arranged the second date the same day as the previous week and we had dinner. I asked her about her father, and she said they didn’t get along well, and he was always putting her down.

Again, as the book says, three different places. So, he takes her to dinner and the vibe already, when he does that, is like, “Okay, I bought you food.” If you ever saw the Chris Rock comedy routine, he’s like, “Hey, let me get that door for you. Want some dick? Hey, let me take you to dinner. Hey, want some dick?” That’s basically what he’s doing. He’s short-cutting the process, here. He figures, “Hey, we’ve already been intimate. We’ll just go eat and then go right to my place and have sex.”

And women aren’t stupid. They know what you’re doing. But if you take the time to go and do fun things together, at the end of the evening, when you’ve had a good time, that’s when the sex happens. Not go to dinner at 7:00, you’re done with dinner at 8:00, and then at 8:30, you’re at home bumping uglies.

After finishing dinner, I told her let’s go hang out at my place.

So, notice what she says here…

She said it was too early in the night and suggested we go for a drink, and we went.

Voila. Because what you want is when you finally do ask her that, she’s like, “Oh, that’d be great.” Women help you when they like you. And at least at this point, she’s trying to help him out.

There, she complained that I didn’t call her earlier, and she thought that it was a one-night stand.

So, already he’s given her the vibes of just a hookup, and it sounds like she’s looking for something more.

I replied that if she liked to see me, she could also call or text and I’ll arrange a meeting. 

Sounds like he just took something right from the book and put it into a response and regurgitated it to her, like a platitude. This is just sloppy, dude. And this girl likes him.

Again, afterwards, we went to my place for another session of indoor Olympics. She said that she had to leave before morning to walk her dogs. I was too sleepy to take her to her place and she said, “No problem, I’ll call an Uber.”

Come on, man. So, notice what she says next…

She then said as she was walking to the door, “That’s the walk of shame.” I joked, saying that the real walk of shame is in kiteboarding, something that beginners struggle with.

So, again, she’s basically saying, “you’re treating me like a booty call,” and it’s sailing right over his head. So, it seems like he followed what I teach for the first date. And after that, he threw everything out and he goes, “Oh, I’m just going to cherry pick things.”

The next day, she texted me and I asked when she was free. We arranged two days later for my place at 20:00.

Oh, so he just goes ahead and says, “We’re just going to skip the date altogether. Just come to my place, so we can have sex.” He didn’t say it, but that’s what he’s giving the impression of. Remember, as she left the last time, he was too lazy, “Oh, I’m just too tired. Yeah, take an Uber.” This is fine if you’ve been dating for six months or a year or two, but it’s like, come on, dude. I mean, this is pathetically lazy.

One day before, I texted her when she was having dinner at the latest. She replied, “I’m feeling a little sick and can’t make it.” I said, “Okay, get well soon and contact me afterwards.” The night of the cancelled date, I called her to see how she is.

Well, that was a nice thing to do. It does show that you care, but there’s a good chance she canceled because you were like, “Okay, well, let’s just skip all the dinners, and I’ll just have her come over.” Now, you can maybe get away with that if you’re rocking her world in the bedroom and you’re giving her multiple orgasms. Then she’s going to be happy to come over. But if you’re lame in bed, you don’t really make sure that she’s getting off, like she comes over and the sex isn’t that great, it’s like, what’s her incentive to come back? Just so you can get your rocks off? And then you have her do the walk of shame to your front door, as she takes an Uber?

She said she was okay, and I told her I had to go to sleep, as I had to work early in the morning. From that point, I set another date two days later at my place again, and 5 hours before, she cancels again saying, “We’ll arrange it next week when I return from a journey for dinner out,” (not my place obviously).

What a dummy.

I called her the following week, and she said she was free Monday, and I couldn’t because of work. She replied, “I’m busy too, and we’ll talk again.” I said, “Text me when you figure out your schedule.” It’s been 10 days now, and I haven’t heard from her. What do you think I should do, Coach? My opinion is nothing, but I’d like to hear yours too.

Bob

Well, you should actually follow what’s in the book, not throw it out the window after the first date because you got your noodle wet. Like, she told you multiple times that she felt like a booty call, and what do you do? You’re like, “Oh, well, let’s just dispense with the dinner and the drinks and all these other fun things we do. Just come over, so we can have some bad sex.” Because, like I said, if you were rocking her world and giving her multiple orgasms one after the other, which probably most no guys have ever done to her in her life, she’d probably be happy to come over to do that. But even then, after a while, she’s going to start to complain that you never take her out, but she does like the good sex.

So, you’ve got to follow what’s in the book, bro. It’s simple. Hang out, have fun, hook up. You should be going to 2 to 3 different places. You could see what’s going to happen here is that, this guy, his idea is just, “Hey, come over, have sex with me, and then take an Uber home.” It’s like, what are you thinking? What do you think you’re going to get with that? You might as well just get a hooker and have her come over and have sex with you. I mean, this girl liked you a lot, and she’s communicating that what you were doing was inappropriate, but it just sailed right over your head.

So, if I was you, in this particular case, because you did act like a douche canoe on multiple occasions, call her up. If you haven’t heard from her in two weeks, I would call her up, invite her out, go pick her up, take her out and do three different venues like you did the first night, I assume. And then the last place you go, when you’re kissing and you’re making out, and you’re all over each other, that’s when you invite her to go back to your place.

Taking her on dates, and spending some money on her, and making dinner reservations, or taking her to some interesting place doesn’t have to be expensive. You could take her to some historical thing that’s going on in the city or something interesting that she didn’t even know was there. That shows that you care. But you just basically started treating her like a booty call, and wanting her to do all the work and do all the chasing, because you’re lazy and your cherry picking, and she blew you off. That’s why she canceled two dates on you, because she knew what you were up to.

Any pretty girl has been through this countless times with other guys that they’ve met. So it’s like, you’re not being clever, dude – not even the least bit clever. But at least you got laid a few times. You just can’t do this. This just doesn’t work, dude. You cannot behave this way. And especially when the girl is complaining and telling you what you need to be doing differently, and you just ignore it like, “Hey, come over to my place.” That’s pathetic, man. So, this is why you’re getting blown off and you’re getting ghosted. You just can’t behave that way.

You’ve got to follow what’s in the book, not cherry pick a few things and go, “Hey, I got to the promised land. Now that my job is over, I’ll just invite her over for bad sex.” Like I said, if you were rocking her world out and she was having multiple orgasms, she probably would have come over, at least a few times, because the sex is so good. But if she’s canceling on you twice, you probably weren’t very good in bed, because you didn’t know what you were doing, and you blew your wad, and you just assumed she got off and enjoyed herself. It’s a bad way to go, my man.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.