In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email success story of how a viewer turned around his failing marriage after his wife cheated on him. He mostly only watched my YouTube videos and has only recently started to read my book. He lost 55 pounds, started working out three days per week, and got back to being the guy she fell in love with. He details how his beautiful bartender wife has many men hitting on her, and what she was doing and how she was hiding her cheating before he found out.
He has forgiven her, and things are going really well now, but he often feels like he is unable to read her state of mind. He sometimes struggles with her past infidelity and obviously does not trust her completely. He asks my opinion on what he can do to better understand her and balance giving her space with giving her attention. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
My wife is a very attractive bartender who chased me down, right into marriage, even paying for the wedding, because I was taking to much time, 2 years, to make it happen. Recently, I became complacent, overweight and began drinking too much. My wife felt I was pushing her away; she lost faith in our marriage and had an affair with an old friend.
(This is the every man for himself mentality. She looks at it from the perspective of, “He’s gained weight, he doesn’t care about me, he’s pushed me away and my needs aren’t being met.” And instead of leaving, she’s decided to go and start fucking somebody else. In her mind, you weren’t together, even though legally you were. When they do surveys and studies, the number one, most important thing to men is loyalty.
Your wife will fucking cheat on you if treat her the same way in the future, and she’s not going to feel any remorse, because that’s her nature. To think that if you slack off in the future, she’s not going to do that, that’s just delusional and unreasonable. It’s up to you to decide whether or not you can really and truly forgive her and move on from that.)
I forgave her at first, then I became angry and asked for a divorce. Then I changed my mind after she started crying, saying she didn’t want to lose me.
(I believe that was a true statement. Obviously she felt remorseful, but at the end of the day, she didn’t exercise any self control and decided to fuck somebody else.)
I discovered the affair by snooping, due to red flags of cheating, through her phone text messages, which pissed her off.
(Of course it pissed her off. It violated her trust, but then again she violated the sanctity and loyalty of your marriage.)
My wife has a lot of males texting/calling her from her business cards, some inappropriately trying to hook up.
(She shouldn’t be giving out her phone number in the first place. When you have an insecure woman you’re with, and she’s worried you might just disappear and not want to date her anymore, they start lining up the male orbiters and giving out their phone numbers, because the thought of being totally single and not having anybody in their life is just too scary and painful. It’s not your fault. She was this way before you met her. You just have to decide whether or not you’re okay with it.)
I think she loves the attention, but she said it’s an occupational hazard.
(It sounds like she likes to have backup, and she definitely likes the attention.)
She has one guy, married, she texts/chats with every day, to the point that it seems to be an emotional affair, but she states they’re just friends,
(Well, they’re just friends until they have sex),
that he has a marriage in trouble as well.(Well, there’s only one reason he’s reaching out to your wife. She’s probably mentioned at some point that you guys have had trouble. Maybe she’s admitted that she’s cheated or not, but if he’s in an unhappy marriage and he’s talking to your wife, well, like attracts like. Cheaters tend to attract other cheaters. Statistically, I think 70-80% of the relationships that start where both people are cheating on their significant other with each other don’t tend to work out, because those people tend to be selfish, they tend to be narcissistic, and eventually at some point and time, somebody becomes complacent, and they end up cheating on each other.)
By the way, my wife even had an online dating profile during her period of cheating, now deleted, and spent weekends staying nights at her BFF’s house, I think to get away from me, as I work bankers hours during the week where she had lots of alone time at home.
(Obviously, she was wanting to hook up and keep it from you.)
Due to the affair, dating profile and this new guy friend, I became insecure, needy, demanding and controlling over the next few months, so much so that my wife wanted to now separate, but not divorce.
(You losing your shit and acting that way just makes things worse, but the reality is, you can be the best husband in the world, and if you slack off down the road, she’s going to fuck around on you and not give it a second thought. That’s her nature dude. You have to accept that that’s the reality. Getting mad or trying to control her is like trying to control a teenager. They’re just going to lie, rebel and do it more. The only thing you really have control over is how you show up.)
She stated that she had lost herself, broke our marriage and needed space.
(She needed space because she felt like she didn’t have freedom being with you.)
She apologized for cheating, said it would never happen again,
(I’m sure she believes that, but given the right set of circumstances, she will cheat again. You have to be realistic about that),
and that she had no idea that I would be hurt as much as I was, which caused her a lot of grief.I discovered your YouTube videos, told my wife that I understand and support her feelings, and I began to help her look for a new place to live. I immediately stopped all beta male whining, snooping, neediness and any controlling behavior.
(Yeah, because if she’s going to cheat, there’s not a fucking thing you can do about it, so you might as well show up and be the best husband you can be and let the chips fall where they may.)
I began being the alpha male that she fell in love with. Fast forward, we never separated; she began chasing me, providing affection/sex, texting I love you, coming home on weekends and at times displaying signs of jealousy.
(Why would she be jealous? Because she’ a cheater and a liar, and cheaters and liars also tend to be very insecure. She’s going to believe it’s just a matter of time before you cheat on her, because that’s just how she sees people. That’s her model of the world. She acts very consistently with it.)
I applied the no, limited, contact rule and gave her lots of space. I lost 55 lbs., working out 3 days a week, and I stopped drinking.
(Good for you dude. That is awesome.)
I began dating her again. She now compliments me on my new look, and things appear to be good. I see a huge amount of effort on her part towards restoring our marriage. However, there are times where I’m not sure how to balance between giving her space or attention, and she runs hot and cold I think. I’m not sure, so please help. Am I over analyzing?
I’m reading your book now.
(At least you’re reading the book now. A big part of the problem is you don’t know the fundamentals in the book. You’ve gotten this far by watching the videos, and I think that’ great, but the idea is the videos are meant to be a complement to the book. The videos are meant to fine-tune and tweak your approach, because it’s impossible for me to cover every potential situation in my book.
Like I said earlier, the only thing you have control over is how you show up. And despite your best efforts, she still may be a cheating whore. That’s the way it is dude. You’ve got to embrace reality. As far as giving her space, you’ve got to let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, because she’s the one who cheated. She’s the one who gave out her phone number and carried on emotional affairs. The reality is, you’re dating somebody who will cheat if her needs aren’t getting met. That’s her model of the world.
You’ve got to look at it from the perspective of, she’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. You as a man need to be focusing on your mission and your purpose in life. Let her reach out to you. Let her call and text you first and make dates that can lead to sex. Hang out, have fun and hook up. That is your responsibility. Because if you look at it from that perspective, when you stop hanging out, having fun and hooking up, eventually somebody else is going to come along and date her for you.A woman who has integrity and comes from a good family is going to try to talk and work things out. She’s going to tell you what she needs from you, what she wants from you, and then she’s going to give you the opportunity to make those changes. But if you don’t make those changes, then she’ll pack her shit and move out. She’ll say it’s over, I want to be separated, I want to date other people. She’ll be honest and up front with you about it.
Fast forward five or ten year from now. You’ve really got to think about, what happens if you have kids together? You get busy, get caught up working, earning a living, and you start neglecting her again. Everybody gets complacent. It happens. The longer you’re together with somebody, the more the likelihood is you’re going to stop doing the little things. What happens down the road when you’ve got kids? Are you going to be okay with her potentially cheating again in the future if you get complacent once again? At some point it will happen. You have seen how she’s going to show up. You’ve got to decide.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The best kinds of relationships are where two happy, whole and complete people come together to share their completeness, not to complete each other. When you love yourself, your life and your life’s work, you want and require the space and freedom to become all that you are capable of. The right friends and lovers will celebrate, encourage and support you, as well as expect the same kind of treatment and freedom in return. An abundance mindset means you feel you are enough and that you have enough. A scarcity mindset means people feel like they are lacking something, and to make up for this feeling of lack, they seek to control and force others to conform to the way they feel they should be. People who have integrity will always default to integrity and do the right thing. People who don’t will default to taking care of themselves first, no matter the harmful consequences to others. Win/win or no deal is always a more honorable way to live than being ruthless with an every man for themselves mindset.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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