Unattached Dating: If You Don’t Claim Her, Some Other Guy Will

If you’re dating without a commitment eventually another guy will take your girl.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man, 10 times. He’s been dating a girl for about 5 months who wanted him to commit after dating for 6 weeks. He declined and said he wanted to date around. Now she has a male orbiter who’s closing in so he said he’d commit to her, but now she says she needs time to think. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Cory Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Unattached Dating: If You Don’t Claim Her, Some Other Guy Will.”

Well, this particular email is from a guy he says he’s been through 3% Man ten times so far. And he’s been dating a girl for about five months now, four and a half, five months, and right at week six, because he seemed to be following The Book pretty closely, she was ready to be exclusive. But he said he was trying to find himself or understand himself and date around, he wasn’t ready to be in a commitment. And so she was cool with it at first, but now that they’re five months down the road, there’s a male orbiter in the background that’s doing his best to try to lock her up.

And since he keeps telling her that he’s unattached, and a couple weeks ago he decided, he said, “okay, now I’m ready to be in a commitment.” And she says, well, I need some time to think. So obviously what I like about this email is if you’re going to date unattached, if you’re going to have a rotation of girls, you got to understand that eventually, at some point, when they’re going to figure out that you’re probably not going to commit to them, and then they’re going to start dating other guys. Especially because he made it very clear he didn’t want to be locked down, didn’t want to be in a relationship.

But it seems like only once it looked like he’s about to lose her, or she’s spending time with this other guy because I guess there’s a trip that she’s got planned with this other guy coming up and she hasn’t canceled it, and he’s asked her to cancel it, and she basically said no. So it looks like he’s at the point now. He’s trying to lock her down, and she doesn’t want to be locked down because now she’s got another guy, but they’re still seeing each other. So now he’s like, “what the hell do I do?” So it’s one thing to let a woman win you over.

But again, if you’re just going to keep putting a girl off and she wants to be exclusive like this, and you keep encouraging her to date other guys eventually, she’s probably. Especially if she’s cute, she’s hot, she’s got a nice body. She’s gonna probably get taken from you. So it’s a good email for you guys that live this way or don’t want to get attached, because rejection tends to breed obsession. And it’s like you don’t care until you find out there’s another guy involved and then you’re losing her potentially to the other guy.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

Your book is awesome, I’ve read it 10x. I’ve been seeing this girl for 4 and a half months now. Around 6 weeks in is when she brought up relationship/ what are we talk. I responded with “I’m still dating around, getting to know myself, and getting to know you. I’m not ready for a commitment yet, but you’re definitely special in my eyes.” She respected this.

After 4 months she’s still reaching out 90-100% of the time and seeing me 2-3 or more times a week and wanting to see me every night. I hurt her recently with my words when I said.” I don’t want to, but I feel like I should continue to date you and other women as I learn about myself.”

Maybe he was getting a little cocky. It’s going to his head a little bit. Maybe he’s figuring he can just jerk her around a little. But a girl who’s raised right by a good dad, and she wants a quality relationship and a boyfriend that treats her well, eventually, at some point, she’s going to tap out. So there is a time limit on this. You can’t just stall indefinitely. Any guy that’s ever had a rotation or several girls you’re dating, that’s just kind of the way it goes.

Once she gets an inkling that she’s not gonna be able to lock you down, she’ll still keep hanging out with you and sleeping with you. But she’s gonna be looking for somebody else. And when she finds that guy, woo, she’s gonna be gone. So there is a downside risk to that. You can’t be unattached forever because eventually you’re going to lose those girls. But if you’re okay with that, then, hey, you know, no harm, no foul.

I thought about it for a while and realized that I was wrong because she indeed fulfills my desires, so I should stop denying that I’m in love with her and can be in a relationship with her. I apologized and said I didn’t mean those things and I’d be happy to be exclusive with her.  Surprisingly she responded with, “I need some time to think”. I’m fine with that and understand it as I said that stupid thing a few days before.

 A couple days later, I come to find out that just the other week, she was out with some male orbiter from our class at a NFL Football game he paid for.  He’s always tried to buy her, so I’ve never worried about him.  She assures me “we’re just friends and I don’t like him like that.” 

She doesn’t like him like that. Until she does, she doesn’t like him like that until he ends up inside of her. Come on, pregnant girl. Come on. Come on. Come on. Whoa! Ocean’s getting really big and really heavy. Just so you guys know. So we know that there are. As a side note, she’s (Ocean’s) got four babies and maybe a fifth. But there was a turd in the way on the X-ray. And what’s pretty crazy is you can put your hand on her belly and just like a child in a woman’s belly, the little feet, from little puppies are like kicking.

You can see her side moving. It’s funny, like we (Erica and I) were walking her and she’s taking her paw. Her back leg and trying to scratch her side, and the little puppies were kicking her, basically. It’s pretty neat. So as a side note. But man, she’s looks like a fucking watermelon with little eggs walking around. It’s amazing how big she got so quickly. I mean, the gestation period is like 62 days for a dog. Anyways, back to our regularly scheduled email. So again, she’s like, “oh, we’re just friends. I don’t like him like that” until of course she does.

I believe her, as he is a beta male who tries to bribe her with gifts, show tickets, a heart shaped necklace etc., but she still refuses to believe that he likes her like that. 

Either that or she just doesn’t want to admit that to you.

She also semi-agreed to go on a trip with this same guy months ago when we’re casually dating, but she’d already talked about a relationship with me by then.  I found out she still hasn’t cancelled on him (and the trip) to this day!  

Well, what does that tell you? She’s definitely, probably going to go on the trip. Because, again, you didn’t want to be locked down.

I wanted to get everything off my chest, so I wrote a big letter explaining how the particular actions don’t show she wants a relationship. 

Yeah. It’s like again, there’s a time expiration. Just like if you’re in a relationship with a woman and you’re depressed or you’re going through a hard time, you lost your job and you’re flailing around not doing anything to help yourself. You get about 6 to 12 months before your girl starts looking for the exit. And then, even if you’ve been together for decades, it’s just typically what I see. Because people come to me when they’re having problems and they’re on the verge of breaking up. And, you know, when you’ve been doing this as long as I have, I’ve been doing this for 20 years now.

It’s like you just see the same patterns over and over. You got 6 to 12 months as a man to get your shit together after you’re going through a difficult time. And if you don’t, eventually your girl is going to give up on you and she’s going to leave you. And in this case, now this girl has some leverage because she has another guy who’s attentive, takes her places, does nice things, but we don’t really know the context of their relationship.

She could be sleeping with the other guy and sleep with him and just downplaying it. And women will do that. You’d say it’s like the media, lying by omission. She’s not lying to your face. She’s just not telling you all the details. So in her mind, it’s not lying. Just like a politician. It’s like the womanese term that Doc Love came up for how women communicate.

I said “you want me as your boyfriend but were just out with this guy one on one the other week? That shows me you want to be single.” 

So if you’re the prize, if you’re the catch, you’ve told her you want to be exclusive. And she said she’s got to think about it and she’s still going out on dates with this other guy. And let me just finish the rest of this before I kind of get into that, because it’s almost over.

She said she understood and didn’t think much of it because we weren’t technically in a relationship then. Days later over dinner I asked if she’d cancelled the trip yet. Much to my surprise she said she forgot to! 

She didn’t forget to. So, she’s telling a little, little white lies.

I asked her, “you can text him right now at the table and cancel.” She refused, got a little irritated, and said she’d do it tomorrow.

She’s not going to do it tomorrow. In other words, if you look at her actions, if you bottom line her actions, it’s pretty clear things are a little more serious than just a friendship. So you have to assume she’s probably dating and sleeping with this guy, and you’ve tried locking her down, the kind of window past closed. Maybe you started doing and saying things that were unattractive, but now she’s got you, she’s got this guy. She’s got a trip coming up with him. You told her you wanted to be exclusive. She says “no.” You wrote her a long letter saying she’s not trying to be exclusive by her actions.

You gave her the opportunity to end things with this other guy. She says “No.” She says “she’ll do it tomorrow.” Which means she’s not going to do it at all. She’s stalling because she doesn’t want to. So she doesn’t want to be exclusive with you, and she doesn’t want to break it off with the other guy. What do you do? You treat her like a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate. Stop calling. Stop texting. Let her do 100% of it. Your job in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up.

And if I were you, I’d probably become a little busier with the other women that you’re dating in your life. Because she’s not doing anything. You’ve tried to say, hey, I’m ready. But you’ve called her out and said, “well, your actions look like you still want to remain single.” So you have to look at the relationship where it’s at right now. Which is she’s single, you’re single. May the best girl win. And so it’s counterproductive for you to call for you to text.

I’d be backing away a little bit and just start spending time with these other girls, because, I mean, the reality is you didn’t want to be exclusive with her if she was really knocking your socks off, if she really, truly was a dream woman, it wouldn’t have taken you five months to figure that out. You would have known right away. You would have been like, hell yeah, this is awesome. It’s better than it’s ever been with anybody else. But you were hesitating.

And now once the other guy was in the picture, you tried to lock her down, and she’s basically saying no to you. So at this point, you got to take a step back and have the attitude of, hey, it’s not your job to lock her down. It’s not your job to be in a relationship. You communicated your intent. She said no. So in this case, you have to assume, well, she’s probably going to keep seeing the other guy. Maybe there’s another dude besides this one guy you know about. So you gave her the opportunity.

So you’re going to have to be a little more brutal at this point, a little more selfish. And that means it’s like, “hey, you know, she wanted to lock me down. I finally, after 4 or 5 months, is ready to. She said she wanted to keep entertaining this other guy. So I’m going to keep letting other women entertain me until one of them just sets herself apart from all the others.” And so I wouldn’t call, I wouldn’t text, I’d just make dates, I’d hang out, I’d have fun, I’d hook up. And if she brings up the topic again, it’s like, “You’re gonna have to get rid of this other dude. You’re gonna have to break that trip off.”

But, you know, it kind of looks like the window is past. But the other thing is, now it’s kind of like. Is she a little dishonest? Leaving things out? Or the little white lies? Says, “oh, I’ll break it off tomorrow. I’ll tell him tomorrow.” Instead of doing it right there. So that tells me she doesn’t care what you think at this point. She doesn’t care about your opinion. She doesn’t even care to lose you. She probably likes having sex with you, but it’s almost like she’s got one foot out the door. So you’re less of a priority to her than you were four months ago, or three months ago, when she was ready to lock you down.

So she needs to go to the back of the line, and you should spend your time with other women. Because you chasing her, you trying to lock her down, it’s not going anywhere. Besides, she should be the one bringing it up. And so again, I would just treat her like a fuck buddy, friends with benefits. Hang out, have fun, hook up, invite her over. I wouldn’t take her out as much. I wouldn’t be spending as much money on her. If you’re going to go out with her, make sure it’s something that you want to do. That’s fun.

We don’t spend a ton of money, especially if you’re a guy that’s, you know, on a budget, you know. Because what she’s communicating is you’re not her number one priority anymore. And plus, this other guy is spending lots of money and doing things. So let him spend everything in his wallet and you can save it for somebody that’s really special. Again, take longer to reply to her messages. Make sure your responses are shorter.

And again, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And it’s clear that you’re giving her more of your time and attention now because you’re trying to lock her down and you’re probably a little fearful. You’re a little worried. And so what’s happening is she can sense that and it’s causing her to back off and again. Now she’s got this other dude.

I said, “You’re making it very difficult for me to take you seriously”. 

What should I do?  Is she relationship material and I messed it up a bit? Or does she have low integrity?

Thank you,

Bob 

Well, we don’t really know. But at the end of the day, you should just really treat her like she’s one of the girls in the rotation because she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend anymore. So that tells me her interest has dropped some. She’s not head over heels in love with you, you know. Maybe you were mean to her one too many times, again, there’s only so many times you can do that before a girl realizes this guy’s a jerk. And you know you did that, but at the end of the day, if we look how you were a few months ago when she was trying to lock you down, you weren’t feeling it.

And that’s really the true reflection of how you felt at the time. You only started to care once you realized she was spending time with this other dude. So again, you never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. She’s basically communicated through her actions. She’s going to keep dating and sleeping with you, and she’s going to keep dating and maybe probably sleeping with this other guy. We have to assume she is. And she likes him enough to the point where, in other words, she doesn’t like you more than she likes the other guy.

So that means you’re not number one priority anymore. So if you’re not number one to her, she should not be number one to you, again, that’s something she has to earn. And if it was me, I would take a look at how you felt about her when she wanted to lock you down. You just weren’t into it. You weren’t feeling it. So again, you tried to lock her down. She said no. So you should this point forward unless she tells you otherwise, treat her like a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, a lower priority, and spend more time with somebody else who you actually feel something stronger for, and let the best girl win.

Because the more you try to chase and pursue and lock her down, the more you’ll actually chase her into the arms of that other guy. So I know it’s counterintuitive, because now you’re in a state of fear and you feel like you should do something, but you have to let her come to you at her pace. But even say you back off, she pursues you harder, then asks for exclusivity again. And then you get exclusive 3 to 4 months down the road, you’ll start feeling the same way you did when you didn’t want to be exclusive, typically.

And then now you’re exclusive with a girl you don’t really want to be with. So I’d be letting her win you over, because what’s happening is the power is starting to flip. You’re starting to give your power away to her. And look what’s happening now. She’s telling you no, and she wants to keep dating this other guy. So, hey, all’s fair in love and war. So play ball, dude. You’re a free agent, and you need to treat her as such. So she needs to become a lower priority in your life. Because she just told you that you weren’t number one to her anymore.

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