Some things you should consider if your woman is undisciplined and won’t do anything to help herself.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man 15 or more times. He was in a relationship with a woman who was originally loyal, honest, hot and had her act together. He saw her as a total 10 for the first 6 months of their relationship. Then, they both went through a difficult time. Eventually, he recovered but she never did. She became lazy and did nothing to help herself get a new job or turn her life around.
He dumped her, and she moved back in with her parents. He told her if she ever got her act together, he’d give her another chance. She told him no, since he gave up on her, even though she gave up on herself. He wonders if there is still hope for her and if he gave up on her too soon. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He thought, “This is the perfect girl,” and then she just completely changed. In other words, she was undisciplined. She stopped being the person that she was that he fell in love with. Most of the time when you see these kinds of emails, it’s usually because the guy became this way. The guy went through a tough time, he became lazy, he became complacent. He wallowed in his sorrow. He didn’t do anything to help himself. The woman stuck around for many months or even a few years, and he just never got his act together. And then, typically, they leave. And then once they leave, then the guy is like, “Oh, I lost the love of my life. I’ve got to fix my life.”
In this case, you’ve got the opposite. You’ve got a guy and his girl that go through a tough time. He recovers, but she doesn’t. He said things got so bad with her that when they broke up, she just moved back in with her parents. And as far as he knows, she doesn’t have a job or anything still. She’s still not really participating in her own rescue. And he told her, “Hey, if you ever get your act together and start being like you used to be when we started dating, I’ll give you another chance,” and she said, “No way, because you didn’t stick around when I went through a difficult time.”
He still cares for this girl, but he’s like, “She’s not the same person I got together with.” And now he feels kind of guilty. He says, “What’s the prospect that she’s going to turn her life around?” So, it’s a good email, because this happens a lot. Especially as people get older, they stop exercising, they stop taking care of themselves, they just get bigger and bigger, and eventually, they end up in a roommate situation with their significant other and they’re just kind of existing together. That’s not fun.
It’s Bob. After reading your book 15-20 times, I met my (now ex) girlfriend. She was loyal, honest, a great communicator, had her shit together, beautiful face and body, etc. In my eyes, she was a 10, and for the first 6 months of the relationship, I was on cloud nine.
Well, you come together to share your completeness. Two happy, whole, complete people share their completeness. That’s your responsibility in a relationship, is you’ve got to take care of you. As Jim Rohn used to say, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” And when the other person doesn’t hold up that end of the bargain, eventually, at some point, men and women both, we’re going to get tired of that. We want more, especially if we’re still disciplined and we’re taking care of ourselves.
Granted, people go through difficult times, but when somebody just gives up on themselves and refuses to do anything to help themselves, you can’t do it for them. It’s just like somebody that’s got an addiction issue or an alcohol or drug issue. Unless they’re tired of it, unless they want to do something about it, you can’t help them. You never should care more about somebody else’s life and their success than they do. That’s super important. You want somebody that you respect, that you admire, a good teammate. Good days, bad days, they’re still taking care of the little things they need to take care of.
Just because you get into a relationship doesn’t mean the other person has to just put up with you letting yourself go. I know I’ll get a lot of a lot of pushback on that from people that don’t like it, but the only people who are pushing back are people that just stopped taking care of themselves, and I’m not going to sit here and validate those life choices. If they want to, that’s on them. And this woman is suffering the consequences as a result of that.
But then, things changed. We went through a difficult time. I lost all my clients, and her (fixed-time) job ended.
So, it sounds like she might have had a contract type of thing, and it ran out, and she didn’t line up anything else up after it.
For the next few months, we were living on savings, and I worked 60 hours/week to get my business back on track. Meanwhile, she didn’t want to get a job and wanted to start her own business.
Well, this is where you’ve got to look at what people do, not what they say. “Oh, I want to start my own business,” and then they never do it. “Oh, I’m going to change jobs because I don’t like my boss,” and then they never do it. “I’m going to lose some weight, because I know I’m overweight,” and they never do it.
As an entrepreneur, I was supportive. However, as time went by, I didn’t see her making much progress. She said she was trying, but many times I’d leave in the morning and she’d sleep late. Or I’d come home for a mid-day snack and she’d be watching Netflix or taking a nap.
To me, it seemed like she wasn’t REALLY trying, and I started resenting her for it.
Nick Saban said something many years ago, and it’s so true. He said, “Mediocre people don’t like high achievers, and high achievers don’t like mediocre people.” And as Steve Jobs used to say, “A players want to work with other A players. A players don’t want to work with B and C players.” If you’ve got a team of A players and you’re tolerating a bunch of B and C players, eventually the A players start to resent it. They resent the low standards. They want people that are pulling their own weight. And that’s what’s happened here is she’s no longer pulling her own weight, no longer putting in the effort. And instead of doing something about it, she makes excuses to validate her model of the world and basically does nothing.
I started thinking, “Is this really the right girl for me?”
Can you imagine having a couple of kids? Because so many men have this experience. They get into a relationship, they have kids with a woman like this, and what happens? She never loses the baby weight and just lets herself go. She sits around the house, eats, just gets bigger and bigger, and she becomes upset when the guy doesn’t want to have sex with her anymore, because he’s just not turned on.
And as a result, our sex life died.
It’s hard to be into somebody if they’re not into themselves. It’s like guys that complain that they’re lonely, or whatever. If you’re not excited about your life, how are you going to get a woman excited about it? In this case, if she’s not excited about her life and doing anything, she’s no longer the same woman that he got into a relationship with. She’s somebody different now. And obviously, it doesn’t seem like she’s interested in doing anything about it.
We started having sex like every 2 weeks only, because I just felt a bit “off.” I was so unsure about her. (Looking back, I should’ve communicated about this. I realized that’s something I need to work on.)
Well, the reality is she’s not disciplined. She was disciplined when you met her. That was who she presented herself as, and she maintained that for about six months. And then look where she is now. This is why you date. This is why you get to know somebody. You don’t just run out and put a ring on the finger of the first girl that likes you.
Anyway, I thought it’s just a phase that’ll pass, so I stuck onto her and tried to inspire and motivate her to get her life together. I gave her access to my business courses, (probably worth $10,000), and I linked her up with friends that could give her work, (and most of them did). I deeply wanted her to get back on track, because being disciplined/hard-working is an important value for me.
That’s the important thing to consider. If a relationship is going to work, you’ve got to have a similar goals and similar values. And if you don’t, like in this case, hard working is an important value to him, and this woman’s not even taking care of herself. It doesn’t sound like she’s been willing to leave the house unless he did something for her.
You’re looking for a teammate, an equal, not another child. Not somebody that you’ve got to take care of, that’s unwilling to do things for themselves. How’s a woman that behaves like this going to raise children or be a stay at home mom? I mean, she’s not even taking care of herself. So, she’s exposed herself as being incompetent and undisciplined.
She had it when we first met, but it seemed to disappear.
The interesting thing is, if you’ve seen some of the videos we’ve done with Kuang over the last year or so, Kuang owns a CrossFit gym. I remember we did a video, because there was a podcast we were doing. He was talking about how he could tell when people would work out, they oftentimes would meet somebody at the CrossFit gym. They’d start dating, and when they became serious, after three or four months, neither of them would start coming there regularly, and and then both of them would stop coming.
And then, a year and a half later, the guy shows back up, he’s overweight. She shows back up, she’s overweight. They get fit. He’s like, “I could time it.” I think it was like 3 to 6 months. People get in shape, and then about another 90 days later, as soon as they meet somebody new, boom! They just stop taking care of themselves. And what’s going on. People are willing to work out and look good so they can make it easier to attract somebody. Then they attract somebody, and they just go back to letting themselves go again.
Anyway, after a full year, she was still in the same place with no income. Meanwhile, I had built a $10k/month business from zero. Eventually, my attraction faded.
He gave the girl a year. You must participate in your own rescue, and she’s unwilling to do that. And you supported her, you even got her work. You got her jobs, and she still wouldn’t do anything to help herself. It’s not your job to babysit her. You’re looking for an adult, not a woman child.
Then, I went traveling for 2 months and thought it’s better to break up. It was a really tough decision, because a part of me still loves her. I think the only reason my attraction faded was because I started losing respect for her, (I feel guilty for saying that).
Well, you can’t love somebody you don’t respect, because they don’t respect themselves. If she’s just letting herself go and not trying to get a job to pay her bills or anything, that’s on her. That’s not on you. Like the old saying, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. You can gently lead and you can suggest to her, but ultimately, if she’s not willing to do the work, it doesn’t matter.
By the time we broke up, she had no money to live and had to move in with her parents because she could no longer pay rent. (I’m 25 and she’s 24.)
That’s pretty young to for this to be happening, but unfortunately, this is typical. I mean, the stats are 74% of all Americans are either overweight or they’re obese. And so, what you see here is a girl who’s 24 years old, and she’s already just letting herself go, not even trying. She had a boyfriend that she lived with, a teammate, she had everything she needed, yet she just wasn’t willing to do her part. It’s not your job to fix her, to save somebody. He tried to be a good champion for her, and she wasn’t having it. That’s on her.
Anyway, I told her I’d be willing to give things another shot when she’s at a better place, but she said she doesn’t want to be with someone who gives up too soon and doesn’t love her for who she is.
So, she’s basically saying, “Yeah, you wouldn’t accept me and just let me be a lazy ass, so I don’t want to get back together. I’m not going to be back after I get my act together.” So, again, she’s looking for somebody that’s just going to put up with it. And a high achieving guy, a high status guy, he isn’t going to put up with that.
So, do you think I gave up too soon…
Absolutely not. You gave her a year, dude.
…and lost a great girl for being impatient?
Dude, you gave her a year. She’s 24 years old. If she just wasted the last year of her life at 24, just imagine what she’s going to be like at 35 or 45, or 50 even. I mean, at the rate she’s going, by the time she’s in her forties and fifties, you’re going to have to use a forklift to move her around, because she’s just not going to care.
There are so many dudes that were in your situation and kept making excuses for it, because they didn’t like the idea of being single again. And now, they’re in a loveless, sexless marriage or relationship, “staying in it for the kids,” and they’re miserable. That’s shortens your life. It’s like, who wants to live like that?
What’s your overall advice for these situations?
Well, dude, honestly, I read through your email and you gave her all the benefit of the doubt, but your values are different. That’s not your fault. But this is why you date. You spent a year, year and a half together, two years, whatever it happened to be, and you came to find out she didn’t share the same values. She made it six months before the real person that she was came out. You deserve to have a woman that’s on your level and who continually makes the effort. In other words, they’re disciplined.
This girl is not disciplined. It’s not your problem. It’s not your fault. That’s on her and her parents. Wish her all the best, wish your love, but I don’t see this girl ever getting her act together. And even if she did, it’d be pretty suspect if she came back. And say, she does get her act together, I would give her a couple of years. I’d want to see that she would maintain it for longer than six months before she just reverted back to it.
But, like I said, the danger with a woman like this is that you get into a long term relationship and then you have kids with her, then she knows, “Oh, he ain’t going anywhere. We’ve got children now. We’ve got a 30-year mortgage. He just needs to accept me as I am,” and she’ll just totally let herself go.”
And then you’re trying to go through an expensive divorce that she’s going to be mad and pissed off at you for, and she’s going to fight you on it and cost you even more money. Because what will end up happening is she won’t even be working. And especially if you live in a blue state, the law is behind the woman. It’s not going to be in your favor. So, from a downside risk perspective, it’s like, “Check please!” So, get back out there. Start meeting and dating other women. Find somebody who actually is disciplined and will go the distance with you.
So, if you have a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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