How to decipher her unreasonable expectations, mixed signals, texting and male friend.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for a few years. He recently came out of a 6 year relationship and started dating a new woman. They slept together after the 3rd date and she got upset at him a few days later due to her unreasonable expectations. This could be a sign that she is an insecure jack-in-the-box and a difficult woman to date.
She is also going to stay with a male friend for a concert in a few days and is taking her sweet time to respond to his messages after making him feel like he needed to reach out to her more. He’s unsure if he should continue seeing her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Well, it’s an interesting email. This particular guy has been following me for a few years, and he recently came out of a six-year relationship and started dating a new woman. He says on the third date, they slept together. Those of you that know 3% Man, most women sleep with a guy typically by the second or third date here in the West.
So she got upset with him because he’s thinking, I think it was like a Saturday, they get together and he’s like, “I’m going to probably text her Wednesday of this week to set up the next date unless she reaches out first.” You’ve got to remember, we’re looking for women that are easy going and easy to get along with, not women that are a difficult, argumentative pain in the ass. Women that constantly are insecure, get butt-hurt, get mad, get upset at you for having unreasonable expectations, which they didn’t tell you about. So I guess after a couple of days, this girl reaches out and she’s mad at him that, “Oh, you should have texted me sooner.”
This is why you apply what’s in the book, because you’re trying to determine, is this a good girl? Is she easygoing, easy to get along with, or is she going to constantly be getting upset for perceived infractions against her because she takes it as a slight against her? Because she’s insecure? Like in this case, she may be a jack-in-the-box and we don’t know.
So what we’re trying to do when we get involved with anybody new is we’re trying to determine, is this a normal, healthy woman, or is she a lunatic? When you apply what’s in the book, the lunatics don’t react too well to that, especially if they’re insecure, they’re needy or they’re narcissistic. They’ll start doing things to sabotage the early budding relationship or courtship, if you will. In this particular case, it’s like what she texts him out of the blue is just totally inappropriate. It’s negative. She’s basically already threatening to end things with him because he’s not a mind reader, and this is what you’re looking for.
You’re trying to find out is this girl, is she excited to hear from you? Or if she reaches out afterwards a couple days after you sleep together. What you want to see is, “Hey, the other night was wonderful. That was great. Thanks for such a memorable evening.” That’s what you really want to hear. You don’t want a girl giving you an attitude because you want a woman that will make your dick hard, not your life hard.
There’s a lot of women in society that will make your life hard instead of your dick hard. Then after a while, you can use humor and go with the flow, but women that are just that are like this. They grew up in argumentative, combative families. It’s just that’s their set point. They always go right back to that. Like I said, you can use humor and go with the flow, but the fifth time, the 10th time, the 50th time, something like this happens, you’re just going to be like, “This is too much work, it’s too much effort. She’s constantly getting butt-hurt at things and assuming that I had ill intent towards her.”
So she basically tells him that he needs to text more, needs to reach out more, so he starts doing that. What happens? She starts jerking him around, taking longer to reply. Then on top of that, she’s going to go to a concert out of town and stay at a male friend’s house. So this guy is already gone. Is this even somebody I want to continue with?
So these are good emails to go through, especially for other guys that come across these things, because you’re trying, because it’s a lot harder to walk away from a lunatic once you’re emotionally invested and you care and you’re falling in love with her because then you rationalize staying in it because your emotions are so engaged, and then you ignore all kinds of red flags. It’s not until the honeymoon wears off. The infatuation wears off that you realize that you got into a relationship with a jack in the box, and those can be messy to try to end. So what we’re trying to do is really quickly, hopefully in the first 30 days or so, weed out bad, bad candidates, “bum bitches,” as Quintus Curtius would say.
I’ve been following your channel for the past years which helped me out tremendously with my relationships. Recently, I have ended a 6-year long relationship and started dating a new girl. We’ve been out on five dates so far, the time together and sex are great, I am trying to keep it cool and not to fall in love because but looking at some of her behaviors I am not even sure if I should further pursue her.
Well, the idea is let her pursue you mostly.
She expressed interest in a relationship with me in the future, complemented my look and my sex performance so I suppose it is an indicator of a high interest.
So far, so good. Well, just because she’s highly interested doesn’t mean that she’s normal and she’s sane.
As per your advice, I was reaching out to her once per week just to set up a date and it worked really well.
Yeah, because when you do once a week, you’re taking measured steps and you’re giving her plenty of time and space away from you to wonder about you, to thank you, to not come off as needy. You’re just taking your time to get to know her, and also to create the conditions where she can start to pursue you. But also the flip side is, if she’s insecure and she’s kind of a whack job, she’s going to get mad and pissed off at you, which is what you’re going to see here in a second.
On the 3rd date, which was on a Saturday we had sex and I wanted to wait until Wednesday before I text her. In the meantime she reached out to me that our relationship won’t work.
You have a memorable evening, great sex, happy finishes, plenty of orgasms and she says, “Hey, this is not going to work.” That’s not the kind of thing a woman who’s easygoing, who’s easy to get along with, who’s got a nice, balanced personality, who’s going to think, “Oh well, maybe he’s busy.” It is brand new. She’s not going to get mad at him when he reaches out Wednesday.
If she’s an easygoing girl, she’s going to be glad to hear from him. A girl that’s insecure or butt-hurt, or just a pain in the ass is going to get mad at you. Which is obviously that’s what that’s indicative of. That’s not a good sign for her.
I was curious why and just asked her, to which she replied that I behaved poorly after the first sex and did not reach out to her since Saturday.
Well, it was some time before Wednesday, so it was Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. So there’s three days. So within those three days she’s contacting him mad because he should have reached out. How is he supposed to know? That’s what she expects.
Again, this is why you follow what’s in the book, to reveal these behaviors right away. Imagine if he had texted her the next day. It might not be for two or three more weeks or a month before he he gets something like this happening, and by then he’s way more into her than he was would have been had he have just been doing the once a week thing.
I replied that it was a misunderstanding and we met to discuss it. During the meeting she mentioned that we should be communicating more frequently.
What she’s really saying is, “I notice you’re not reaching out to me as much.” Instead of her reaching out to him to talk to him, she’s getting mad and making unreasonable demands, basically. It also communicates that she’s into him and she likes him. She noticed that he’s not reaching out as quickly as she expected.
If you get a room full of 100 women together, they’ll all go, “Oh yeah, it should be 50/50.” You should both be making the equal effort. When you do that with women, especially all those same women, you ask them, “OK well, tell me about the guys that did 50/50 with you and tell me the guys that you were most in love with and all of your ex-boyfriends that you’ve dated over the years,” You’ll find that none of those guys did the things that the woman claims that she wants you to do. Quite frankly, most women don’t understand how attraction works. Yet when a guy does the things that they tell him that they want, they don’t have feelings of attraction for them.
That’s why it was impossible for Sigmund Freud to figure out women. That’s why he’s like, the one thing I cannot, cannot figure out is what does a woman want? Because things like that, they tell you to reach out more and that’s what he’s going to do. He reaches out more, but then you see her reaction.
From her words I sensed that she is kinda jealous of what I am doing between our meetings…
Yeah, because it reveals insecurity.
…And that she still wants to meet so I scheduled a date for next Saturday.
During the date she mentioned that she is going to a concert next week to another town where she would be sleeping at her male friend’s. I played it cool and did not react to it but immediately saw it as a red flag. Later, I got to know that a month earlier she was there at another concert and slept over at the same friend’s place.
There are women that will lie. They will lie about it. They will say he’s “just a friend,” even though they’re actually sleeping with him. That’s why you can say, “Oh, he’s ‘just a friend.'” You mean a friends with benefits is a guy you used to date? What’s going on? There is a guy who’s carrying the torch for you who wants to date you, but you don’t want to date him.
Ask her those questions. If she’s going to bring those kinds of things up and throw it in your face, then you should ask some probing questions to find out.
From what she said, I doubt he’s gay. So in my mind he has only one goal, or she might be in a similar situation-ship with him as with me.
Exactly. Remember, this is part of the vetting process. If you’re looking for a girl that’s easygoing, easy to get along with, that’s nice to you, and you see things like this happen?
I reached out to her a day after the last date as she seemed a bit hurt so I wanted to make it up. I thought that as she expressed the interest in a more frequent contact…
What she’s really communicating is, “Hey, I noticed that you’re not contacting as much as I would like, and I want you to contact more,” and that’s why you get to resist the urge to do that, because you’re trying to find out if she’s going to get mad and blow up at you.
Here’s the key here. She just got done telling them that we need to communicate more. So he takes that as, “Hey, I need to call and text her more,” so he does that and look what happens. He does exactly what she says she wants because she’s mad at him. Look what happens.
…She would be happy to interact (at least for now) but she seems to not be very responsive and replies after a long time with some vague words.
So she said, “Contact me and text me more.” He does that, and what happens? She takes longer to reply and her replies are short. So what does that tell you? That’s why you follow what’s in the book and you don’t listen to a girl. Also, when you’re having this, she’s getting upset. You say, “Look, it’s unreasonable for you to get mad at me when we’ve only haven’t talked for a day or two,” and say, “Well, we should have texted more.”
“This is 2023. You have my number. If you wanted to talk to me, you could easily have reached out, but you’re getting upset and mad at me for something that I’m not a mind reader. How am I supposed to know? This is what you expect? At the same token. I’m not a dog. If you miss me and you want to talk to me, what’s wrong with just saying, ‘Hey, how are you? What are you doing? What are you up to? I was thinking about you.'” That’s what normal girls do.
Insecure girls get better and they tell you to jump through your butt. He jumps through his butt, basically. What happens? She takes longer to reply and she gives them shorter responses. So once again, here’s a woman saying this is what you need to do because I like it. He does it.
I would be grateful if you could help me figure out the best way to address this matter with her and explain the mixed signals.
Well, that’s why you should follow the book and not listen to her, because she’s telling you something that makes logical sense. If you bottom line her actions, it communicates that you’re reaching out more and pursuing more. Especially this early in is having the opposite effect because she’s taking longer to reply and her responses are shorter. So it shows there’s less enthusiasm and less interest. On top of that, there’s some other guy that she’s going to see in another city and stay at his house.
That’s why she’s acting like she needs to be a priority in your life. You start to make her a priority, and then she treats you like a second class citizen.
I do not want to come off as needy but I know that if that would not be able to have the relationship if that would continue.
So you want to match and mirror her actions. It’s like you basically need to take what she said and understand in humanize, if you will. Borrowing a term from Doc Love as to what it actually means, what our actions means. All it really communicates, when she was upset about you not texting is that she wanted you to text and she wanted to hear from you.
Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So as soon as when your feelings were unclear, she was interested, but as soon as you made your feelings more clear, based upon what she said she wanted, what did she do? She basically took longer to reply and gave you shorter responses.
So once again, what’s taught in the book is reconfirmed in a woman that’s saying one thing, but yet doing another. This is why the average guy is so bamboozled by the average woman. They just don’t understand what the hell is going on. That’s why you need to do what you want to do. Like I said, if she’s complaining about how often you text, you say, “Is your phone broken?” It’s like, “If you wanted to talk to me, why didn’t you reach out?” It’s always better because remember, whoever is asking the questions right out of the book is the person that’s running the conversation.
If she’s complaining about you not texting as much, then just turn it, flip it right around and go, “Well, if you wanted to talk to me, why didn’t you reach out? Does that mean you wanted to talk to me, but you were purposely holding back and not reaching out. She says, “Yes.” “Well, why would you do that? Why would you purposely not contact me when you want to hear from me, or you want to talk to me? That kind of doesn’t make any sense. I don’t understand why you would do that and ask probing questions like that.”
Get her to explain herself, and you got to also let her know is like, “I’m not a robot and I’m not a mind reader. I call you, I text you, I invite you out, and you’re excited to go out and we have a good time. If I don’t text you or do what you expect, you’re going to get mad at me.” Come on, that’s kind of ridiculous. It’s like we’re adults here. If you want to talk, I’d love to hear from you. It’d be wonderful. I love seeing your name pop up in my phone. That’s awesome. It excites me when I see that, and I’d like it if you did more of that.”
This is what you should be telling her and then see what happens with it. Like I said, I would keep following what’s in the book. The idea is especially if you’re five dates in now and you’re going on a one date per week, she should be texting you at least once or twice a week out of the blue, and then you can just make the next date. So you really shouldn’t have to do much pursuing at all.
Just remember, when she complains that she’s not hearing from you, or that she never sees you, or you don’t communicate enough, don’t argue with her. Just understand all she’s basically saying is, “Hey, I really want to see you and guys are going to go, why didn’t you just say it?” Because she’s a woman. She’s not a dude. They don’t communicate like we do. That’s just the way it is. I’m just here to tell you the lay of the land.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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