What you should do and how to respond when you encounter very strange texting or testing of your strength behavior from a woman.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who met a woman on a dating site. She sent him her number after a few minutes of messaging, they talked for about fifteen minutes and he asked her out for a date, but she was unsure of her schedule. She got back to him several days later at the last minute, but he was busy.
He later set a date and it went well, but she is jerking him around once again now that he is trying to set the 2nd date. He asks what it means. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This brings up a lot of good points to understand, because us guys, we always project our interests onto the women that we desire, and we often ignore the fact that they’re not reciprocating as much. And so, it’s important to look at the level of enthusiasm that you get from women. And obviously, he met a pretty girl online, so you can imagine she’s got tons of attention, tons of guys she’s probably found attractive and that she would go out with.
You can imagine, if she’s got ten, or fifteen, or say, twenty matches, and she’s messaging with these various guys, she has to weed out the men from the boys. And so, these are the kinds of things that you’re going to see when a woman has an abundance mentality. Because she’s online, and the reality is, women in online dating, they pretty much have all the power. That’s why I prefer meeting women in person.
When you’re participating in online dating, you’re, in essence, kind of playing in her world, in her playground. And so, she’s got to figure out which guys are worth her time and which aren’t. The ones that have higher interest are going to be easier to get together with, and the lower the interest, or if you’re one of like twenty dudes she’s talking to and she finds you attractive, but you’re kind of in the middle of the pack there with everybody else, versus the one or two guys she’s really attracted to, this is the kind of behavior you’re going to encounter. And so, the key in these situations is always indifference and to be unperturbable — to be playful and to match and mirror what you’re getting from her.
I’m a more recent consumer of your work and it has already started to change my life. I’ve read your book 3 times now and have listened to it on audiobook twice, (yeah, I know, still 10 more times to go).
Well, a cheat code for getting through the book quickly and to really learn this stuff is to have a paperback copy or a hardcover version and listen to the audiobook, and you can speed it up. And as you speed it up, you can get through the book quicker that way. When you’re listening to it and you’re following along in the book with the words, you’re totally concentrating on the material, versus driving in your car and listening to the audiobook or working out in the gym.
Oftentimes, I’ll listen to an audiobook at two times the speed, and you just get through things a lot quicker, especially the longer books. It’s really helpful. And then you’re just going to retain more information versus just listening to an audiobook. Because if you’re busy doing other things, you’re just not really concentrating on what’s being said. It’s kind of like you’re fading in and out a little bit.
Anyway, I have an odd situation where a woman I met online has sending strange texting patterns/signals.
Well, the thing to understand is when you’re confused, when a woman’s behavior is confusing, it’s typically a sign of lower interest. And in this case, I would say it’s probably because she’s got a lot of other dudes, and you’re just one of the dudes she’s talking to.
We met online, and pretty much immediately she sent me her number. We talked for about 15 minutes on the phone, (mostly her talking), and I said I had to go and asked her when she was free to get together. She said Monday, I asked what time, and she didn’t know.
You can imagine, if she’s talking to some famous, hot celebrity guy and he’s in town for a few days, she’s not going to give him that kind of response. That’s a woman who’s kind of hedging her bets. There may be two or three other guys that maybe she’s more attracted to, that she likes more, that she’s waiting to see what happens with them.
Because if she’s available Monday, she wants to go out with the guy that she likes the most, that displays the most dominance. It’s almost like she’s seeing if you’ll slide to the back of the line, because guys that don’t have anything going on will go, “Okay, yeah. I’ll wait until Monday,” and call to see what time they can get together on Monday.
And almost 100% of the time, if you do that and you agree to that, she’ll have something else going on and won’t be able to make it, but she’ll be really sad that she couldn’t get together, “Oh, shucks. Darn it, I just can’t make it tonight. I’ve got to pull some weeds in my garden.”
So, I simply said, “Well, let me know when you have a time,” and got off the phone.
And so, that’s kind of hitting the ball back over the net. Now, the ball’s in her court. She said she didn’t know her time. If you have a busy social life, you’re a busy professional, it’s like, no. You know, if you’re in any kind of sales business and you’ve got a prospect that’s going, “I’m not sure of my schedule,” you’re not going to leave valuable closing time to somebody that’s like, oh, maybe I can come by Monday, or not. You’re going to be like, “I’m going to talk to another prospect” is what you’re going to be doing.
And so, it’s really helpful, especially for guys who have backgrounds in sales, when they read my book. Obviously, I have a background in sales. They really can click and understand how to take that prospecting and pre-qualification of your prospects from business and apply it to your personal life.
She eventually sent me a text on Monday saying she worked late. So, I just told her that last minute stuff doesn’t work for me, and if she wants to go have some fun, then to give me a specific day and time.
Perfect answer. Good job, dude. It just communicates, “Hey, I’m busy.” So she’s calling Monday, and imagine if he said, “Okay, I can meet you for a drink,” maybe she would have met him for a drink, but her respect for him would have dropped a little bit. But more than likely, she would have flaked.
She’s trying to see if she can jerk him around, and if she’s got two or three guys that are kind of on the same level of attractiveness, she’s going to try to jerk all three around and see which one stands up to her and doesn’t allow her to get away with it. And that’s the guy that she’ll end up meeting. These are the little subtle differences that make the difference.
She did. We met for the date and I really felt I did amazing. I asked a lot of questions and let her do 80% of the talking. At the end of the night, as she was loitering by her car and not leaving, I said, “I think you need to get it over with and come over here and kiss me.”
Hmm, that sounds like a line right out of that little blue book. One of these days, somebody’s going to say, “I used that line and they were like, ‘you read Corey Wayne’s book!'” But it hasn’t happened yet in all these years. In all these millions of copies that people have read over the years, it hasn’t happened. Interesting.
She giggled and said she doesn’t make the first move, so I kissed her and we made out for 20 minutes behind the bar. I put her in her car, and she said, “Text me when you get home.” I said okay. Not even 5 minutes into my drive home, she texted me telling me how much fun she had. I waited until I got home, and then I said I had a good time too, but I have work early so I had to go to bed.
Nice. Because a guy who’s got nothing else going on would have stayed up and probably chit-chatted for hours and talked her out of liking him.
She said she would text me tomorrow. I told her great and good night.
When a woman says, “Oh, I’m going to text you tomorrow,” you’ve got to give them the space to do that. Sometimes, or actually I should say a lot of times, women will do that. They’ll say, “I’m going to call you tomorrow. I’m going to text you tomorrow,” and they don’t. And they do it on purpose. Then, you don’t do anything with that, because she said she was going to get in touch, she didn’t, and as a man, you want a woman who really wants to be with you.
If it was a close family member or friend, saying, “Hey, I’m going to text you tomorrow,” they would have gotten in touch. And even if they didn’t get in touch, they would have gotten in touch a couple of days later and said, “Hey, sorry I didn’t get back to you. Something came up. I got busy,” or “I forgot,” or whatever. “Sorry about that.” That’s what you want.
You want somebody that appreciates and values your time. And so, you’ve got to understand that a woman like this is going to be flaky and wishy-washy, because again, she’s online. She’s doing online dating and she’s getting tons of responses.
At 9:00 a.m. the next morning, she texted me good morning and kept asking how my day was going, etc.
So, that’s a good sign. It shows that she’s interested.
As I was working and busy, there was at least an hour or two between each message.
Which, obviously, she’s doing probably on purpose, unless maybe she’s busy at work as well. Because after you’ve texted with somebody for a week or two, you kind of start to see a pattern. I’ve met women that literally will start texting and then just stop in the middle of the texting exchange. And then twenty-four hours later, they’ll text again.
And then I’ll text back, then sometimes one or two more texts, and then again, another twenty-four hours. And it’s one of two reasons. They’re either doing it on purpose to see if they can get me perturbed, or they just have low interest. Either way, you don’t take it personally. You should be amused by it. But if you’re confused about her interest, it’s usually because the interest is low.
I finally said work is busy, but I want to see her again, and when was she free. She replied, “Monday?” I said, “Monday works. How is 8:00 p.m.?” That was at 4:00 p.m. and I didn’t hear from her again. I resisted my old personal temptations to double text or to call her and am just leaving it alone.
It seems strange, because her interest level seems fairly high, a 6 or 7, but then she is pulling the same shit she did at the start when she flaked. Any advice or input?
Thanks Corey, you are the man!
Well, you’re not a mind reader, I’m not a mind reader. I’m pretty good at what I do, but at the end of the day, the fallback position is always, what do her actions communicate? Well, she offered Monday, you said 8:00 p.m., and she didn’t even respond. So, typically what happens in these cases is Monday comes and goes, and she doesn’t reach out. Because most guys are like, “Hey, you didn’t respond. Are we on for Monday?” And then, that’s it. That’s all it takes, and you’re done.
But she didn’t respond, so she’s either doing it on purpose to see if she can cause you to get perturbed, or there’s another guy that she liked more who responded positively, and she’s going to go explore things with him. Because quite frankly, she knows she can probably get away with texting you Tuesday or Wednesday, or even two weeks later, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” or “I forgot,” or “My dog got hit by a flying monkey,” or some fucking weird-ass excuse.
Bottom line is she didn’t text back when she said she would. She just ignored them, she left them hanging, she left them on read, if you will. So, you have to assume, because you don’t know her well enough, that she has low interest. Maybe there’s an ex-boyfriend, maybe there’s another guy she met online that she likes more and she’s fucking him right now. You just don’t know.
It’s obvious this girl has a lot of options, because she’s behaving that way and you’re kind of, quite frankly, the low man on her totem pole. Therefore, it’s totally appropriate you did that. You never call or text again for any reason. If she disappears, she disappears. Sometimes women like this will show up a month or month and a half later because, again, they started dating some other dude and then he screwed things up. Then she remembers, “Oh, that guy I never heard from him. What ever happened to him?”
But men who have choices and options are going to see this and they’re going to be like, “Hey, she obviously doesn’t want to see me. Maybe she’s busy with some other guy. I don’t really care. I want enthusiasm. I want a ‘Hell yeah, I’d love to see you.’ That’d be wonderful. That’d be great.” But we don’t see that, so don’t take it personally. You’ve got to look at it as a numbers game. But I like the way you handled things. You did great, dude, so good job. Keep reading the book.
And if you’ve got a question or a challenge that you’d like to get my help with personally, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“The lower a woman’s level of romantic interest, the more unpredictable, wishy-washy and flakey she will be when trying to set dates and respond to messages. The less interested she is, the more she will test, try to see if she can jerk a guy around and generally give off the attitude of indifference. The more interested a woman is, the easier she will make it to get together for a date. The key is to not take it personally, but to respond with indifference, playfulness, non-attachment, but be direct and decisive when trying to set a date. Never accept a maybe date, last minute dates or dates where she expects a guy to verify that the date is still on at the last minute, as these are tests of a man’s confidence and dominance. A man with options is not going to be jerked around, because his free time is limited, and he doesn’t let anyone waste it.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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