Vetting Women, Dating Websites & Are We Dating The Same Guy

How to avoid toxic & broken women who are abundant on dating websites.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met a girl on a dating website who is a regular poster on “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” He didn’t realize until after the fourth date she was a toxic and garbage human. She posted him to the website, said she had been to the police about him and it made a mess of his life. Since he had the texts and posts proving she was lying, he got the police to make her take down the defamatory posts. He’s a little jaded now and asks how to spot toxic women sooner and what he can do to prevent this in the future.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this particular email is from a viewer who looks looks like the only way he meets women is online dating. So it’s a great sort. Can be a great source of leads, but you got to understand you’re going to get a real high incidence of broken, messed up women, narcissists, chicks that are toxic, chicks that come from broken homes. If you’re going to do that, it’s always better to meet and date women as part of your social circle and how you live your life. You’re just going to meet better quality people than relying exclusively on dating apps, especially with websites like are we dating the same guy? Because this particular viewer went out on four dates with this girl, and it wasn’t until the third date where she basically started saying that every single guy she dated was a narcissist. And then when on the fourth date, she even gave him a list of other previous boyfriends. And of course, they were all narcissists. If you go, if you find yourself on a date with a woman and every guy she’s dated was horrible and toxic and a narcissist, this is why, like in the vetting process, one of the best questions you can ask is, hey, are you close with your family? I’m looking for like a family oriented girl. Or you just say, hey, are you close to your family? And she says, no, not at all. I was like, well, what about your dad? Are you close to your dad? Oh, I hate my dad. He’s a narcissistic asshole. You hear something like that? You say, well, hey, it was great, great chatting with you, but I don’t really think we share the same values. Have a nice life and good luck. I mean, really, that’s what should happen. But I mean, at the end of the day, if you’re gonna date people that come from broken homes, you’re just going to get a higher incidence of nutty behavior. It’s just the way it is. And so you’ll see this girl basically, I guess, when they’re. I don’t know if they were still seeing each other or was. After first date, she went and posted him on the are We dating the same guy website and obviously said some things he didn’t like. And then he says, you need to take that down or I’m going to go to the police. I don’t know where he lives. I guess maybe the laws are. You can’t do these things. But I’ve never had an issue like this. But I was never really I never had one long term girlfriend that I dated. Met a lot of girls through online dating, but always best girlfriends came through just social interactions and me living my life and bumping into them. I like, I like I’ve always liked synchronicity and just letting the universe bring you the right person. Because the amount of work and time and effort that you got to put in with dating profiles and messages and matching and conversations and going out on dates, it’s just so much effort and so much work when you can just magically meet somebody hanging out with people you love as a side effect of doing things you love. But you know, here. So once he told her that, then she goes back to the website and says, oh, I had to report him to the police. And he’s like, okay. Then he, he actually went to the police because he had all of their text exchanges and their conversations. And so the police made her take it down, but it kind of fucked his relationship, her, his reputation up for a while. So again, if you’re going to be dating women online, especially if you’re going to exclusively depend on online dating, you understand there’s a lot of or a high incidence of women that are on there that are coming from broken homes. So in other words, you’re, you’re, you’re fishing in a shitty pond, basically. And if you’re fishing in a shitty pond or crappy brackish water, what are you going to get? You’re going to get a mullet. You get you’re going to get some catfish. You’re going to get bottom feeders, basically. So just understand. I mean, it doesn’t mean there’s no good girls on dating apps, but you’re just going to have a much higher incidence of train wrecks. So someone like me always had a great social life. I always prefer meeting people face to face in person through my social network, because like attracts like people that like the same things tend to like each other. And when you go on a dating app, you’re basically using a computer algorithm to introduce you to people that in your normal life you would have never met. Now again, there’s lots of people that meet through online dating, but again, you’re just you have to go through a lot of trash to get to a good one. But sometimes people are lucky first couple of days. Bing, bang, boom, they find somebody great. But for the average dude, he’s risking stuff like this.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

Listened to your book around eight to nine times over the years and had some great success because of it even though I still make mistakes from time to time.

Unfortunately, two years ago I went on four dates with a narcissist which I didn’t see till the third date when she told me she had two narcissistic exes and then on the fourth date mentioned another two and how she had got her friends to reach out to his work to get him fired (all her friends are 10 years younger than her).

What a piece. There are bad people in the world. Life is not all sunshine and unicorn and roses. This is why you can’t take people from the other side of the globe that were raised in a completely different culture, and just import them to Western society and think they’re going to assimilate. They’re more than likely going to try to impose their values on you. It just, again, some fish. Anybody ever had fish tanks? Understand that some fish do not mix well in the same aquarium. And if you’re going to go fish in these ponds. You gotta understand, there’s going to be a lot of fish in there that you’re not not going to mix well with. And this is why it’s much better. Your social. Think about it. If you’re meeting people through your social circle and they know people that you know, and vice versa, you have social pressure to be polite and treat other people with respect, because everybody in your social group is going to hear about it. But when you’re on the internet, on a dating app, it’s like you don’t know anybody that they know, and vice versa. So the likelihood that you’re going to end up with a Froot Loop is much higher. Unfortunately.

She posted me on “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” And when I asked her to take it down or I would get the police involved she updated the post to say she had been to the police about me.

What a lovely human being. Just a mean, vindictive person. That is not a girl who has a good relationship with her father. So again, that should have when you’re on the phone, that’s one of you know, when I was doing online dating, that was one of the first things I would always ask. Was what’s your are you close to your dad? Do you love your parents? You real tight with your parents? Are you tight with your family? Are you guys close? And if she tells you she hates her father, he’s a narcissistic asshole. She’s gonna be fucked up. I have found that to be 100% accurate. I have never met a girl, despite how hot she might have been, who called her father a narcissist and what a horrible person he was. And she was an absolute train wreck herself. So again, when you hear that, it’s like, yeah, I think you seem like a nice person, but you know, I’m not feeling it. I want to keep searching. I wish, I wish you all the best. So again, if she’s got a bad relationship with her dad and you want somebody to date long term, I would be ejecting as soon as you find out her relationship with her family is Fubar. Fucked up beyond all recognition.

This was a double-edged sword as it was provable defamation to the police but the damage to my name was already done, she posted seven guys in total in one year on “Are We Dating The Same Guy?”

So what does that tell you? She doesn’t respect men. She clearly doesn’t respect or like her own father, and she’s just looking for a reason to project her daddy issues onto the poor guys that unfortunately got mixed up with her. So she’s putting them on blast. Really, what she’s doing, metaphorically is putting her dad on blast and projecting what her dad did or didn’t do to her onto the guys that she meets. So again, the best question you can ask when you’re, especially if you’re on the phone, if you’re meeting girls through online dating is be selective. Take your time. I know it’s easy with Tinder and some of those things. You can just set up a date without even talking sometimes. But when you look at the risk that you run just by doing that versus doing a little bit of vetting up front again, find, just come right out and ask her, hey, are you close to your family? And if she’s not, and she has nasty things to say about her mom and her dad, and she hates them both, or hates her dad, or she didn’t know her dad, her stepfather’s were jerks. That’s somebody that doesn’t respect men, and they’re not going to respect you. It’s not your fault, but you got to see reality as it is.

The police got the posts taken down and she was warned about doing it again. After my dating life got worse at first I thought it was me being anxious or scared about the same happening again but then my Hinge account was banned three times. The first two times I sent in the police record that proved harassment and they unbanned my account and waiting on the third time now.

It’s like, oof! So it’s like once you’re in their system, they’re just going to constantly flag your profile because somebody went and slandered you. I mean, look how it affects his his dating app. And when hinge was one of the apps that I was using, that was like 2018, 2017, that was back when I was living on South Beach. I couldn’t believe the amount of hookers that were on hinge posing as girls looking to date. That was shocking to me. And what I found, I don’t know, maybe it’s different today, but there are so many fucking garbage human beings on there. It was just a fucking cesspool.

How would you identify these people sooner?

Pretty simple. Find out what a relationship with their father is like. And she’s like, I love my dad. He’s my rock. I talk to him about everything. I tell him about all my boyfriends or every guy I date, and he always gives me great advice. I love him so much. You hear stuff like that, like. But you hear that she hates her dad. Dip the fuck out. I would not risk it. I mean, look how this. This can fuck your life up. I mean, it’s not really a big deal if he’s decided not to rely on online dating, but in this case, it sounds like he’s basically stuck relying on hinge.

I’m not sure I could have realized before the third date, if you suspect someone has NPD or similar is there a way to put them off you if they view you as a high-quality man.

Again, just ask them what their relationship with their family is like. Just an innocuous way of saying it. Hey, are you guys are you close to your family? And she says, why? He’s like, well, I want a family oriented girl. It’s like, I love my family and we’re pretty close. And I’d like to find a girl that, you know, is really close with her family, really loves and admires and respects her dad. They make the best girlfriends in my experience. And you say that to him and she’s like, oh, I hate my dad. He’s a jerk. And if her attitude completely changes, then fucking end the conversation, get off the phone, block the profile, and then move on.

Any advice on how to rebuild where she is unwilling to let me live my life and do they ever quit trying to cause damage?

Kind regards,

Bob 

Are you still in contact with this girl? I mean, maybe you get a restraining order against her. If you’ve already been to the police about it, then I don’t know what the laws are. I don’t know what country you’re from or what state you’re in. So if it was me and you’re having still having problems with this chick, I would go seek legal counsel that can help you with this. And you know, I know in the States we have restraining orders. And when it comes to this kind of stuff, online defamation, I’m just again, I’m dealing with people all over the world. So I don’t know what your country laws are like. I don’t know what your state and local laws are like. You need to seek legal counsel on that. But that’s a hell of a fucking mess. And if I were you, I’d be rethinking about only relying upon hinge as your sole source of dating leads. That tells me you need to get out and be more social and do more guy things with guy friends. And if you don’t have guy friends, go do things where you can meet other like minded guys that like the same things that you do. So again, the best way is find out what a relationship with her dad is like. If it’s awesome and she loves and admires and respects her dad, then I’d give her a chance. But if she fucking hates her father, hates her stepfather, doesn’t get along with her mom, doesn’t talk to anybody in her family. I wouldn’t get involved. It’s just I’ve just seen it. Over the 20 years I’ve been doing this. It’s just a fucking train wreck. I always, most of my life dated women that came from pretty tight families. So I was blessed. My, my, even my ex wife was tight with her parents and her parents were still together. And again, when you’re when a girl’s raised in a good environment, she’s pretty easygoing. Pretty easy. Pretty easy to get along with. But the more dysfunctional the home is, the more fucked up she’s going to be. And just like in this particular case, the more she can fuck up your life. And unfortunately, she’s still fucking this guy’s life up, it looks like. So who? I don’t know, maybe she’s going back and reposting. So if that at that point, then you maybe get her arrested. Or maybe there’s other websites, I don’t know, but sounds like you need some legal counsel that can advise you on what you can do to put a stop to it. But that’s unfortunate, dude. But thanks for sharing because that will help save a lot of other guys from making the same mistake.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.