Why living in the present moment is the best way to live your life and show up in your relationships to achieve your grandest goals and dreams, and how wanting reality to be different than it is leads to unnecessary suffering, setbacks and drama.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who started out as “the other woman.” She has been dating a guy on and off for the past year who was originally engaged to another woman when they first started dating. This particular guy is also the best friend of her ex who is now married. Things changed several months ago when they went on a trip together and ran into his former fiancée while she was with her new man. After this happened, he started backing away because he felt guilty, and people started assuming that they had been cheating together all along. He is doing all of the pursuing, and they still hang out, have fun and hook up on a regular basis, but he now only wants to keep things casual without any commitments. She is suffering tremendously due to the emotional roller coaster ride and asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email:
I started seeing this guy. I already knew him. We bumped into each other at a party, and things started from there. Unfortunately, he was already in an 11-year relationship and engaged, which all of us knew was going to end, and he was never going to marry. (That tells me this guy is being a weak bitch and is lacking integrity. He’s not strong enough to do the right thing.) We hooked up July 2014, and by November, he was calling me his girlfriend. (He’s maintaining this facade he’s going to marry the fiancee, and he has a girlfriend. Do you think a confident guy would do something like that? I think not.) I knew he was going to eventually end it with his fiancé. (That was the justification you gave yourself to stick around.) However, I tried to end things between us a couple of times, because I knew he would need some time to be alone. He always convinced me otherwise. (People buy based upon emotion, and they use logic and reason to justify making their purchase. You’re bullshitting yourself.) We had and have amazing chemistry, passion and awesome sex. In all my years of dating I had never felt that before, and he never had either. (He’s a scarce resource since he’s engaged to someone else, so you’re always going to be in a fearful state, thinking you may be losing him.) We grew so close, and too quick, mainly his doing.
He ended things with her Feb 2015. We continued on as a secret. Not to hurt her. In May 2015, we went away one weekend, and she went to the same city with her new man. Then, we happened to run into them. We were walking down the street and saw them on a patio. After that day, things changed. He got super distant. He didn’t want me to end things, but for me to hang in there while he sorted his head out. (What is the outcome you’re trying to achieve? Is this person capable of helping you achieve it?) He said he felt guilty. When he was with me, he felt even more guilty. (This is not what you want to hear from someone you want to be in a relationship with, but the reality is, this guy is weak, he’s a liar and he’s a cheater. He has no integrity. This is somebody who is incredibly selfish and doesn’t give a fuck about somebody else’s feelings. He’s not relationship material.) When we got back, he also had to tell friends we were newly dating. One of these people happens to be one of his best friends and my ex, whom I met this guy through and is married now. His friend was supportive, but some of his group of friends started speculating we had been cheating with no facts to go on. Everyone still doesn’t know to this day.
We broke it off July 2015. He said he just couldn’t come around. Two weeks later, we were hanging out again and started sleeping together. Now to this day, we hang out regularly, spend the night together, have sex, dinners, lunches, play golf, watch shows, cuddle, make out, kiss intimately like a couple, but he won’t commit. (Stop asking him to commit, because commitments and loyalty don’t mean shit to him.) I asked if he saw us dating in the future, and he said no. (He’s not capable of giving you a monogamous relationship. If you continue dating him, you won’t be able to achieve your personal life outcome.) His reasoning was, it’s just easier. He texts me every day, and he initiates it. After we have a good couple of days together, he gets quiet. (When it starts feeling like a relationship, he pushes you away.) Then it starts all over again. It’s an emotional roller coaster. We have become such great friends. We want the same things in life, and get along so well. It’s hard to walk away. I feel like I would be losing my best friend. However, this is messing with my heart and my head. I am not moving on, and neither is he. However, we have talked about dating other people. I feel strung along, or like his crutch to get him through his break up and on to “Single-ville.” (The reality is, you are enabling his behavior, so why would he think anything would be different with you?) I do not think he is maliciously hurting me. I do believe he cares. However, I cant hang on like this much longer.
I have way more to say but will keep the above at 500 words. You will probably give me the advice I already know, ha-ha. Walk away! (You want an exclusive, monogamous relationship with a man who doesn’t want to fuck anybody else, doesn’t have commitment issues and doesn’t have loyalty or integrity issues. This guy can never be what you want.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“One of the secrets to enjoying your life is learning to master the art of living in the present moment. Why? When we focus on the future and what may or may not happen, or when we obsess over the past, this takes us out of the present moment and prevents us from seeing and accepting reality as it is. When we want reality to be other than it is, we suffer unnecessarily. By accepting people as they are and our life’s circumstances for what they are, without judgment or wishing them to be different when we can’t immediately change things, this keeps us in the present moment. When you can’t change your circumstances immediately, your only choice is to accept them as they are and take action towards your outcomes, so eventually your life circumstances will become more like you want them to be. Circulation is one of the keys to life, happiness and success. However, when you stop circulating and moving towards your outcomes, you will become stuck and unable to achieve your outcomes. By always keeping yourself in circulation and moving towards your outcomes, eventually everything you want will manifest in your life slowly over time.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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