Wanting Someone Who Doesn’t Want You

Why wanting someone you can’t have, someone who is unavailable, someone who doesn’t want you, or wanting reality to be other than it is, is an unhealthy, unbalanced, and dysfunctional way of denying yourself true happiness, true love and what you really deserve.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is the poster child for someone who is so heavily invested in being hung up on women who don’t want him, that he continually looks for ways to justify why it’s okay to continue to chase women who have no interest in him. He even goes so far as to insinuate that the problem is not how he is approaching life and his intimate relationships, but that I basically don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s further evidence of what I am continually discussing regarding how people will act consistently with who they view themselves to be, whether that view is accurate or not.

He has a story he has told himself about why he is unsuccessful with women, unattractive, undesirable, and therefore has no value to offer them. He is so stuck in his dysfunctional way of thinking and model of the world, that to look beyond his belief system, which obviously does not serve him, is absurd and his mind continually comes up with reasons to resist, dig in, and defend his position, which clearly is not working for him. The problem is, he just simply does not believe he deserves to have what he really wants or to be loved. Therefore, consciously and unconsciously, he is sabotaging his own success.

Hey Coach,

I’ve been following your work for a long time now and have also purchased your book and read it. I’ve learned a lot from your wisdom, but when my own emotions are involved, I’m kind of starting to have doubts about what you say, hahaha. (You don’t sound like you are prepared. If you are not prepared, you will not have success.) This bottle of wine strategy, it’s a bit sour. You know that there are things that you can’t have and women who are not very much into you. How can you live in peace with yourself when you know that some women that you really like are just not that into you? (When you value and respect yourself, you will demand high standards. Why would you pursue somebody who doesn’t want you in their life? Don’t get hung up on someone who is not interested in you.)

If I would have to summarize your strategy in one sentence, I’d say it’s a “don’t fall in love” strategy — just “do,” don’t feel. That’s because feelings are a source of suffering if they are not reciprocated. (Suffering comes from wanting reality to be something other than what it is.) First, one must be sure there is reciprocation, and only then, gradually, he’s allowed to feel. Feeling is sometimes risking, putting oneself in danger of a painful experience. (Progress always involves risk.) Your strategy involves no emotional risks, no pain. Did you find a formula for making gains without risking anything? You know what they say – no pain no gain. You dismiss that, you just say “fuck that shit.” (The reality is, you will get rejected more than you will succeed. You’re delusional if you think your persistence is going to attract a woman. Attraction is not a choice.)

You’re also an advocate of first impressions. (I’m not an advocate, this is reality. This is what I do for a living. I teach human behavior. I teach what works.) You say that if she’s not into you in the first seconds, then there’s no chance she’ll fall in love with you. Why don’t you believe that when she knows you better, some aspects of your personality that are not seen on the spot can start to shine in her eyes? (I have experience. You obviously don’t, because you’re standing on the sidelines and throwing labels at my work saying, ‘that’s not valid. I don’t have to do anything.’ You are suffering from the Paralysis of Analysis.) This first impression approach puts a lot of emphasis on looks. It means that, if you’re not that good looking, you have relatively slim chances of getting the woman you want, simply because most women will not be attracted to you before becoming familiar with your personality, which takes some time. (Your problem is, you aren’t talking to women, therefore you will never get any evidence that women will like you for you.) By looks, I mean physical features and also some other relatively superficial characteristics of a person like financial situation as shown by his dressing, for example. (It’s not about the clothes you wear. It’s how you wear it.) There are some things she cannot see immediately, which may be very attractive if and when she sees it. For example, persistence, in and of itself, is an attractive trait to some women. (That’s just not reality. Being too persistent will translate into being a stalker.) Thus, if you persist, it may attract them as it tells that that you’re willing to go out of your way to achieve your goals. In this case, she’s the goal. Also, she may later learn about skills that you have that she knows nothing about when she first sees you. Note that you’re an advocate of pursuing challenging careers, but you’re not an advocate of pursuing challenging women. Isn’t it just a matter of personal taste, around which you’ve built a philosophy of living that you enthusiastically preach to others? (Apply the things I teach, and you’ll see that it works. Real men who take action will eventually see success.)

Your total 10 is something along the lines of a supermodel, confident, and having a successful career. It may be that your strategy works best for guys whose total 10 is similar to yours. For me a supermodel is out of question. What will I do with her? (You’re putting a particular woman on a pedestal, and you’re not talking to anyone, so you have no life experience.) What do I need her for? I think I’m looking for a spiritual connection, a woman who is deep, looks attractive, but by no means a supermodel. I don’t care so much about how successful she is, as long as she would love me for who I am. Maybe for different types of women, different strategies apply? (No…treat all women the same. Plenty of people are applying what I teach and getting results. If you choose to ignore reality, then there’s nothing I can do to help you.)

Anyway, your work is fascinating, and these are just some of my thoughts that I’m trying to challenge you with. Keep it up and thanks. (I suggest you go to my YouTube channel and watch the video titled, “Improving Your Social Skills” and start implementing what I teach.)

Bob

“When someone does not have the people or circumstances they want in their lives, the reason is the story they tell themselves about why they can’t or don’t deserve to have what they want. When you don’t believe you deserve to be financially secure, have a career or business that you love, have great friends who love you for you, or a lover to love you for who you are, with all of your flaws and faults, you will say and do things consciously and unconsciously to continually make this your reality. People will do more to move away from potential pain, than they will risk to experience success, because of the potential pain of failure and loss they may experience in the pursuit of their grandest goals and dreams. Success is always the result of overcoming failure, fear, pain, and challenges. If you’re unwilling to risk experiencing potential pain and failure, then you’re never going to come even close to reaching your full potential. Successful people know and expect achievement to come only after a long journey of experiencing pain, failure, setbacks, and frustration, in addition to the elation that comes along with the thrill of victory.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne