Was She Really In Love, Or Just Love Bombing Me?

How to determine if she’s really in love or just love bombing you to manipulate you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 48 year old viewer who is new to my work. He just got dumped by his girlfriend unexpectedly after she broke their agreement to not go on trips abroad with female friends. After the 1^st time they hooked up she wanted a relationship. She also said she wanted to move in together and get married. She wanted to stay an extra 4 days for leisure with her coworkers after their work trip ended. He said no and she said she was going to anyway. She said she couldn’t be with someone who didn’t trust her. He was with a covert narcissist for 12 years. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Was She Really In Love Or Just Love Bombing Me?”

Well, this particular email is from a guy, he’s 48 years old. He’s new to my work, and he was dating a woman who was also 48. And he thought things were sailing along great. And then he got dumped unexpectedly after she broke an agreement that they had to not go on trips abroad with female friends. So she had a work trip that she had to go to. But after the work trip ended, instead of coming back home, she wanted to spend an extra four days to hang out with her female coworkers.

And this was one of the things that he had agreed to, and she agreed to in the beginning, that she wasn’t going to do. No male orbiters, the whole nine yards. And because he said what you’ll see later in the email that he spent 12 years in a relationship with a covert narcissist. So you could tell he’s a little gun shy. He’s not going to be as trusting as somebody that hasn’t been abused like that. So you can kind of understand where he’s coming from.

And so what’s interesting is that she was telling him right away after the first time they slept together, that she wanted to be in a relationship, he agreed to that. And then she was talking about marriage. She was talking about moving in and getting married. And they just had this really good weekend together. And then like at the end of the weekend, that’s when she says, “Oh by the way, there’s this work trip coming up. And I’m going to stay an extra four days with my girlfriends.”

He said, “Well, we agreed that you weren’t going to do that.” And so she basically said she was going to do it anyways. And then so all of a sudden he’s thinking he’s in La La Land. She breaks up with him saying, “Oh, I can’t be with somebody that doesn’t trust me.” And just completely cut it off like that. And so one thing I know, and anybody that’s been following me for a long period of time is women are not going to dump men that they’re head over heels in love with.

They only dump men they have low respect and attraction for. So before we get into it, I want to go through what love bombing is, according to Webmd.com. Because you see this sometimes, and it’s a manipulation technique. If you start dating somebody and right away they’re telling you they love you and they want to be exclusive and they want to be with you all the time, and you’re going to be together forever, and you’re the perfect person. And this is all going on within the first few days or weeks of dating. You may be getting love bombed.

So let’s read the actual definition. “Love bombing is an emotional manipulation technique that involves giving someone excessive compliments, attention, or affection to eventually control them. You may not be able to spot love bombing until you’re in the midst of it, because it may feel like being swept off your feet at the start of a new relationship. It also goes on to say, what is love bombing? Love bombing often involves using grand gestures to gain control over someone else. Your partner uses this stage, often at the beginning of the relationship to knock down your defenses and find ways to control you.”

“So those who love bomb their potential partners often have traits of narcissism. People with narcissistic traits are preoccupied with their own wants and needs, act superior to others. Have a tendency to be impatient with people if they think the situation isn’t important. Manipulate and gaslight, making others doubt themselves to get what they want. So here’s some other things. Some love bombing signs. If you’re being love bombed your partner seems too good to be true.”

“They may tell you they’ve been waiting for you their whole life, that you’re their soulmate, or that they’re in love with you a short time after you first meet. Your partner seems to share all of your interests or seems to agree with all of your opinions. Your partner wants to stay in constant communication with you. Your partner may become irrationally jealous when you want to spend time with others, including family. And your partner might make grand gestures or buy you inappropriately inexpensive gifts early in the relationship.”

So there’s this. That’s from WebMD. So with that in mind, let’s go through his email. Because again, this guy’s gun shy. He realized after being with a covert narcissist for 12 years, he’s kind of getting triggered for obvious reasons. So let’s go through his email and see what we can see here.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

I am immensely grateful for your work and generosity. I am new to your work, reading your 3% Man book. I am 48 years old and got in a relationship with a 48 year old girl. She’s beautiful and treated me like a king. I applied your principles to attract her, and after the first time we hooked up, she told me she wanted a serious relationship.

I mean, if that’s like the second or third date, that’s a bit much too soon. Most normal women are not going to be ready to be in a relationship, but there are women that only want to date one guy at a time. But the fact that as soon as you have sex, she wants a relationship and wants to be exclusive, that should just be something that you kind of pay attention to. Because most women are not going to be that quick to get into a relationship.

As a matter of fact, those of you who’ve been following me for a long time know that if a guy tries to lock a girl down after the first couple of dates or sleeping with her the first time, you’re going to get the, “I’m confused. I’m not ready for a relationship. I need space.” That kind of thing. So under normal circumstances, it takes time for a woman to fall in love.

So it’s kind of abnormal behavior for her to be wanting to be in a relationship and locking you down all to herself. Because, again, normal women typically are not ready to do that after just a few dates and especially just after sleeping together one time. If you’ve been following me for a long time, there’s been countless emails and pretty much everybody, every guy has experienced this. When you behave that way towards a woman, they usually bounce on you.

I agreed. I also made it clear that my boundaries were that I didn’t agree with her having male friends or orbiters. I told her I wouldn’t be okay with her going on trips abroad with girlfriends or colleagues (e.g., bachelorette parties). I have maintained a balance in communication where I didn’t text her much and she initiated communication 90% of the time, and she did most of the pursuing.

Friday, we had a fantastic night at a hotel. However, on Sunday, she told me she had to go on a work training trip to another country for two days and that she and her coworkers would stay an additional four days for leisure. I reminded her that we had agreed there would be no trips abroad with friends, and she started begging me to “authorize” this trip.

Well, if she wants to spend some extra time and she really, truly is in love with you, she’s going to want to share that with you. And she’d be like, “You know what? You should come meet us after at the end of our work thing. And so you can spend time with me in Europe.” Or wherever the hell it happens to be. If she really loves her boyfriend and is head over heels and stuck to him like a sucker fish, she’s going to want him there. She’d be like, “Baby, you got to meet us. We got to go spend some time in Paris.” Or whatever happens to be.

I made the mistake of arguing and stood firm.

Well, you did have an agreement after all. And so, shortly after meeting and having this agreement, she’s already ready to chuck it to the side. So what does that tell you? What does her word mean? Does it really mean anything? Does it?

She reached me two more times by phone to insist. I stood firm. She later sent me a voicemail saying, “Even though you didn’t authorize it, I’ll stay those extra four days with my friends anyway.” She then added, “I care about you. I hope you’re well,” in text and blocked me. I was shocked, so I called her to confirm if she had really blocked me.

That sounds like normal behavior, doesn’t it? You have one disagreement. But again, it looks like they were only dating for a matter of weeks or maybe a month.

She admitted she had, saying, “Yes, I blocked you because I am not better with you. I am better off without you.”

Oh, let me do the girl voice. Sorry. My bad, my bad.

“Yes, I blocked you because I am not better with you. I am better off without you.”

And that kind of sounds like she just, [snaps fingers] just like that. “Oh.  I love you. You’re so great. Like. Oh, I’m better off without you. Have a nice life. See you.” Only a narcissist is going to discard you that casually.

I explained that we just had a disagreement, but she said, “You made me beg, and you don’t trust me. I can’t have a relationship without trust.” I tried to salvage the situation, telling her I decided to trust her because my love for her was greater than my trust issues, (I was with a covert narcissist for 12 years) but she said she wasn’t feeling it anymore and didn’t want to work things out.

Yeah. So when a woman wants to lock you down, again, what does that tell us about her feelings? It just, they weren’t there yet. It’s too much, too soon. Agreed to be serious. Locked himself up to a commitment. And so listen to what he says next.

She seemed so committed before this. She asked me to move in with her, said I was made for her.

Remember what the WebMD said? “Oh, we’re soulmates.”

I was made for her and even asked me to marry her.

She’s ready to spend the rest of her life with you. Then all of a sudden, “Yeah, I’m better off without you. Have a nice life.” So why did she discard him like that? Well, because he really didn’t mean much to her. That’s why. That’s what’s so shocking. Because he’s like she said all these beautiful things, right? What do I always say? Look at what a woman does, not what she says.

She’s a widow, and I met her family. Everything seemed perfect, even our physical connection and sex. But then, out of nowhere, she dumped me like I meant nothing.

Because more than likely, you really didn’t. Because again, if she was head over heels in love with you, she would have respected you and said, “Hey, you know what? A deal is a deal. It’s what I agreed to. You’re right.” Or she would have said, “You know what? You need to come meet us. I’d love to spend that with you. I’d love to spend Paris with you for four days.”

Or. I don’t know where she’s going, but if she really was in love with you and wanted to marry, you wanted you to move in, she would have wanted to share that with you. She would have been insisting that you come meet her so she could spend some extra time there.

I’m hurt and confused. Why would she push for all that commitment only to end things suddenly?

Because she was manipulating you. That’s what it looks like if we bottom line her actions. If we take the WebMD. I mean, we can even go back to that and look at the discard phase. Let’s see here. The bombing stages. So it occurs in three stages. “Idealization. You may have been bombarded with gifts, compliments and affection to hook you into letting your guard down. You may feel so happy that you don’t see the potential for being manipulated. Devaluation. In this stage, you feel comfortable in the relationship, but soon notice red flags.”

“Your partner may put demands on your time or get angry if you spend time with others. This is when the gaslighting can start, or your partner may try to convince you nothing is wrong with their behavior. They may make you question yourself or go against their behavior, or tell you that how you feel is all in your head. Discard. During this stage of love bombing, you may confront your partner about their harmful behavior. You may try to establish healthy boundaries.”

So he’s trying to establish healthy boundaries because they had an agreement, right? “Your partner will try to avoid accountability. Refuse to compromise or break up with you.” Baboom. Look at that. “This may not be the end, though, because the other person may come back and try to restart the relationship, which begins a cycle all over again.” So it is definitely a type of abuse. And so if we take a step back and bottom line her actions, her words about marrying you and moving in, you were meant to be, what does she say?

“I was meant for you. You were meant for me.” That’s like the soulmate thing right out of WebMD. So we have to assume her words and her actions don’t jive. So what does that mean? Her words meant nothing. But if we look at her actions, boundaries were set. He’s trying to reinforce those boundaries. And she’s like, not only is she not going to accept the boundaries, she dumps him, says, “you don’t trust me.” And she’s going to go anyways. No accountability for the fact that she’s breaking their agreement that she agreed to.

She totally agreed to this. So I would have to say, if we look at that in that example, she was manipulating him. And this is the way the universe unfortunately tends to work, like attracts like. So he’s probably got wounds, he’s probably got blind spots, and he’s predisposed to make excuses for somebody that is manipulating him because he spent 12 years with somebody that was a covert narcissist. And so, more than likely, what do we expect? She goes on a trip and then comes back.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I missed you. Blah. Blah. Blah.” And then it starts all over again. And then the next time she tries to violate the boundaries, what is she going to do? Break up and block him? I mean, these are not the actions of a woman that’s crazy and in love with him, and wants to marry him and live happily ever after. That’s a very manipulative pattern. Because again, her words and actions don’t match.

Everything seemed perfect, even our physical connection and sex. But then, out of nowhere, she dumped me like I meant nothing.

Because, well, if we look at our actions, you really didn’t mean much to her. That’s why it was so easy for her to discard you.

I’m hurt and confused. Why would she push for all that commitment only to end things suddenly?

Because you were being manipulated. See, this happens. This is the way the universe helps you smooth over your rough edges as you continue to attract the same kind of people until you overcome that weakness. And so that’s what it looks like it is. You may have attracted another narcissist because again, you have a blind spot, and you have a weakness that people like that will tend to exploit.

And so the next time you start dating a girl and you sleep with her and she wants to be exclusive and in a relationship after only a couple of dates or your first date, whatever it happens to be, say, “Look,. Hey. I’m really honored that you want to be exclusive, but we just met. I don’t know you. I don’t know anything about you. You’re really great, and I want to continue to get to know you, but that’s moving way too fast. So let’s just slow your roll. Let’s take your time. Let’s continue to date.” And make her earn it. Because he didn’t do that. He just said, “Okay, let’s do this.”

I know I shouldn’t call her, though. I feel guilty for not trusting her and want to apologize.

Dude, there’s nothing to apologize for. You had an agreement. She broke it. She didn’t even try to compromise. She was like, “Hey, it’s my way or the highway.” Doesn’t matter. No accountability for the fact she’s breaking your agreement. I mean, she agreed to these terms and conditions up front. And then she quickly says, “Oh, I’m going on a work trip and I’m going anyway. Screw you.” And then blocks your number. That’s not healthy. A 48 year old woman behaving that way. I can’t understand a teenager, but somebody that’s 48 years old, that’s ridiculous.

This is the best relationship I’ve ever had, but now I’m unsure if she just love-bombed me and discarded me. Should I reach out to apologize or let it go? 

Please, kindly advise.

Bob

I would let it go, Dude. You don’t chase after somebody that treats you that way. Because again, the way she casually discarded you like you meant nothing. I mean, you weren’t with her long enough for her to be head over heels in love with you and want to get married and all that stuff. So it looks like she was just saying those things to manipulate you. So again, you got to take measured steps with women. You got to slow your roll because these kind of women are out there and they can really fuck you up, especially the hotter they are, and they behave this way.

You got to be careful, man. You can just absolutely get crushed emotionally, mentally, spiritually and financially if you get involved with somebody like this. So if I were you, I wouldn’t call or text her for any reason. If she does come back, I wouldn’t agree to be in a relationship with her. Just see how it goes because I mean, it really looks like you came across another narcissist here, or covert narcissist or whatever. But like I said, you can look that stuff up on WebMD and read more about it extensively because it’s pretty obvious that it looks like she love bombed you and discarded you because it was easy to do that, because her emotions weren’t engaged, because it was so new to her.

And where you went wrong was agreeing to be in a relationship so quickly. Because that should have been like, pfft. As soon as we hook up now she wants a serious relationship and then shortly thereafter, “Oh, you’re my soulmate. We got to move in together and get married. I want to marry you and live happily ever after.” That’s not normal behavior. Especially you would think a woman that’s 48 years old and is a widower is going to be taking her time. She’s been around the block. But that’s not looking good, my man. So you don’t owe her any apologies. You just have to learn from it. So next time you don’t get jacked around so much.

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