Was She The One For Me, Or Just A Fantasy In My Head?

How to know if she was the one perfect girl for you or just a fantasy in your head.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1^st email is from a 23 year old viewer who has been following my work for over a year. He’s read 3% Man, 5-6 times. He just dumped his girlfriend a few months ago because he felt something was missing and some other issues. He wonders if he should go back to her because he’s filled with doubts about his decision. The 2^nd email is from a woman who writes in about the success story she and her boyfriend are having and how my books have helped them tremendously. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of their emails.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Was She The One For Me Or Just A Fantasy In My Head?”

Well, I got two emails I’m going to go through with you today. The first one is from a guy he’s 23, and he’s been following my work for about a year. He says he’s read 3% Man about 5 or 6 times, and he just dumped his first real long term girlfriend a few months ago because he felt something was missing.

Plus they were having some other issues, and now he’s starting to wonder if he should go back to her because he’s having some doubts about whether or not he made the right decision. So he writes in saying, “how do you know? How do you know if it’s the right girl or you made the right decision and leaving her?” – in this case.

And the second email is from a woman who writes in about a success story that she and her boyfriend are having. And they’re both fans of my work. Read both of my books, 3% Man and Mastering Yourself. And so she details how it’s helped them in their relationships.

So you get two good contrasts. One guy is going, I don’t know if this is the right girl, and then you got a woman writing in with her and her boyfriend. A story of how it’s helped both of them tremendously. So it’s some good contrast. So let’s go through the first email.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

My name is Bob, I’m 23. I’ve been following you for over a year, and you’ve helped me improve my life significantly. I’ve read your book 5-6 times and watched hundreds of your videos, including all the membership ones, which are great.

Well, obviously you guys should definitely join the paying Members Only Content, which there are links in the video description of this video. You can consume the Members Only Content on YouTube or Spotify, or UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there.

I broke up with my first girlfriend a few months ago after being together for a year. The breakup was difficult and sad because she was my first girlfriend, and I felt something was missing, similar to your experience with your first wife.

With me, I was just young and inexperienced, and obviously, as I wrote about in 3% Man, it didn’t feel right. I felt kind of pushed into it and peer pressure from people around me that I should go ahead and get married. And they were all dismissive of my feelings that it didn’t feel right, which looking back on it now, I find that interesting.

Because you got to remember, people that are married and in a relationship, whether it’s a good relationship or they settled, they want all their single friends to be in a relationship because it helps validate their life choices. And if somebody is single and used to be in a relationship and now they’ve broken up with their significant other, then they want all of their friends to become single again. Because it helps validate their choices. So that’s typically what you see.

We validate our life choices and convincing other people to do the same thing, that’s why also, as you start to succeed and sometimes leave behind people that you grew up with who just don’t have the same drive and determination and ambition that you do, is that they start attacking you and insulting you and putting you down and belittling you when you start doing better than them. It’s like they try to keep you down at their level. They fear losing you.

And plus, as you start to do better than some of your friends, which you realize, especially when you’re younger, you don’t know. But as you get older and you start to succeed and kind of pull away from some of the people that you grew up with, what you notice is that they want you to do well, just as long as you’re not doing better than them. And if you’re doing better than them, they sometimes will try to sandbag your success.

I struggled to understand if this feeling was real or just in my head, perhaps my own insecurity. As you say, what you focus on expands. Even though we had good chemistry, I felt she was too quiet and shy, and I wanted someone more engaging and energetic.

Yeah, that’s not something you can ignore. You either have that kind of chemistry or you don’t. You can’t fake it.

Over time, our conversations improved since she felt more comfortable, and our relationship was easy and playful most of the time, but this thought/feeling never went away and would always come back unless I told myself to let go and just go with the flow.

We were very similar in many aspects, she was very loving, loved giving gifts, and as long as I acted masculine she was very feminine and submissive despite her bad relationship with the father, since he was abusive towards her when she was younger, and is quite nuts from the stories she told me, she hated him.

Yeah, it’s usually not a good sign when the girl hates her father doesn’t get along with him. You’re going to have a much easier relationship with a woman who loves her Dad, admires her Dad, respects her Dad, respects his authority, looks up to him, admires him, seeks his counsel, and actually listens to him.

Not somebody that’s constantly rebelling or just like in this case, she just doesn’t like her Dad at all. So girls like that tend to have a hard time trusting men, because she grew up in an environment that was unsafe and she couldn’t trust her father to be reliable, or in this case, sounds like he was a little nutty. He was a nutter.

I know you say when a woman is in love with you, she wants your attention all the time but with her, if I was busy and couldn’t give her the attention she wanted, she often became upset and bitchy, which made me feel like I have to force my love, and I was losing my peace and freedom.

Well, when those things happen, that’s part of setting healthy boundaries. But if she typically doesn’t respect her Father, then she’s usually not going to respect you or the boundaries. Because if she doesn’t love and respect her Father, she typically just doesn’t respect men in general, and goes against their wishes. Or what happens is you have a disagreement and then you think you resolve things, she agrees to see it your way, and then a couple days or a week or so go by, and then she starts in again trying to get you to go back on your word.

And so it’s like you keep having the same conversation over and over. In essence she wants to nag you and pester you until you just give in and just go, “fuck it, we’ll just do what you want to do.” And that’s what a lot of guys do. And so you want a woman that follows you, that follows your lead, submits to you, and respects your authority when you decide on something, that’s it. Because Daddy decided. But if you think you resolve something and then weeks go by and then she starts in again.

Or especially if the Mother was like that, she just berates and wears down the Dad until he gives in. And that’s what they learned at home. Well, that’s what they’re going to expect to do with you. And being in a relationship with somebody like that, it feels like you’re in a relationship with another dude, instead of a teammate and a fan and a cheerleader, somebody that’s rooting for you. It’s oftentimes you feel like they’re kind of pulling in the opposite direction. You’re pulling the cart uphill, and she’s got a rope behind it trying to pull it back down the hill. That’s tiring and it wears you out.

She was definitely more into me than I was into her, and I know you say it’s good to have that leverage as a man. But I’m unsure, is it okay for a woman to be more into me, and does that mean I’m “settling”?

Well, if you’re doing things right that are in The Book. And again, you’ve been following me, and you’ve gotten through it maybe 5 or 6 times. Not the 10 to 15 that I recommend. So there’s no way that you know The Book backwards and forwards. And so you have to have enough experience applying what’s in The Book with women that knock your socks off in order to overcome the fears, the limiting beliefs, the doubts. And this is the first girl he’s ever been with.

So he really doesn’t have the life experience, and dating enough to know what he really wants. Because if he was probably like me when he was younger, it’s like he was probably a late bloomer, like I was. It wasn’t until I got into my late, late 20s, after I left my wife, that I really got to get experience dating the kind of women that I wanted, in dating, and staying in relationships that felt right. Instead of doing what other people wanted me to do. But it comes with comes with age.

But like I said, it’s always better if a woman thinks that she likes you more than you like her. Because if it’s the other way around, typically things don’t go so well. If you’ve been following me for a while, I mean, we see the same patterns over and over and over again and the different Video Newsletters that I do and guys write in about that topic. So if you’re doing what’s in The Book properly, she’s going to be wanting sex more with you than you do with her, which most men have the opposite problem.

Most men are not getting enough sex from their girl. And the women don’t want to sleep with them because they don’t feel safe and comfortable. So it doesn’t mean it’s settling. But the other thing that you got to understand is the honeymoon period lasts for 6 to 12 months, and I don’t really hear him talking about how much he loved her, how much fun they had. I see a lot of complaints. It sounds like he dated a girl that was easy to date because she was really into him, but he was never really that into her from the beginning.

I do miss her, we made each other grow a lot and it’s sad sometimes but I always take a positive outlook. I sometimes wonder if I should try again with her but then ask myself if she was what I wanted, or just a fantasy of it.

Well, I would imagine she had several qualities that you liked, but like I said, when I look at how you talk about her and your time together, it just seems like you kind of settled. In other words, you dated her because of her high interest in you, not because you both had high interest in each other. And that was partly what was going on with my first wife. Is that she was just super into me from the beginning. I liked her, I thought she was cute, and she was the first real girlfriend that I ever had.

And I remember many, many years ago, 25 years ago, whatever it was when I was talking to the late, great Doc Love about it, he said, “Oh, you married interest level.” I was like, “mhm. That’s an interesting way to look at it.” And so for a guy that was always getting rejected for the most part by the girls he really liked after a few weeks of dating and then with my ex-wife is like I could do no wrong in her eyes. She just loved me. And it’s because she was way more into me than I was into her.

And it was great to experience that for the first time in my mid 20s. But just like this guy’s experiencing, it always felt like, this is great. It’s been a great experience, but I need to move on and date other people. But I was so afraid that I would never meet anybody that was on that level or better, that that’s why I kept sticking around. Because at that point in my life, I was 25 years old and I remembered all the failures that I’d had. I thought, “Well, this is as good as it gets. It’s just like everybody’s telling me. I just must have cold feet.”

And in this case, like I said, when I listen to this guy talk about her, it’s like he just kind of went along with things. He wasn’t super into it. Because guys that really want their ex back and they’ve been the ones that screwed it up, which because in most cases that’s usually what it is. If the girl’s a healthy relationship, but they just did a lot of unattractive things that basically drove her away. You could tell by the way they talk about the woman.

They were really into her. They really missed her. They were really in love. And I don’t see that here at all. She really loved him, but he was just with her because she was super into him, and it was his first experience. So he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know, he needs more experience and he needs to date more women. And he needs to learn The Book better.

Because when a woman comes along that really knocks his socks off, if he doesn’t know The Book backwards and forwards, he’s going to start making mistakes and doing and saying things that are really unattractive. And he may blow it. And again, I’ve read tons of emails from guys that are in that situation.

They don’t take me seriously when I say, you got to read The Book 10 to 15 times and then they cherry pick. They focus on the pickup and the dating and the getting laid stuff, but they never really learn the relationship side of things. And it’s not until 6 to 12 months later, after they’re in a relationship. And then the girl dumps them, they’re in a panic, and then they really start paying attention to what’s in The Book, and they realize how badly they’ve screwed up. Then they typically are open to listening. It’s usually when they’re in pain that they actually want to listen to what I have to say.

Those were my thoughts after the breakup, and I will be grateful to know your thoughts so I can improve.

Thank you, Corey

Bob

Again, it doesn’t sound like just the way you talk about her. You were into her because she was super into you. But other than that, she wasn’t really your ideal woman. And as you said in the beginning, you wanted somebody that was more engaging and energetic, and she was just too quiet and shy. So those are just not things you’re going to fix. That’s her personality. That’s the way she is. And if you still don’t feel satisfied, then you just can’t make your heart feel something it doesn’t feel.

So you made the right decision for you. So I wouldn’t second guess it. It wouldn’t be fair to her for you to go back, because even if you go back to her, then in three or four months, you’ll end up dumping her and breaking her heart all over again for the same reasons, because she didn’t change.

And so when you go back, it’s a little new at first because you haven’t been together for a bit, but after two or three months of dating, you’ll end up dumping her all over again just because everything that turns you off about her in the past, it’s still going to turn you off. Her being bitchy, and not respecting your boundaries when you’ve told her and asked her in a loving way to treat you properly.

And she still doesn’t do it again. This girl hates her Father, so it’s pretty hard to make an easy and effortless relationship with somebody like that. And if she’s disturbing your peace all the time, life is hard enough. Work is hard enough. Being a man in this world is hard enough.

And you don’t want to be coming home to a woman that’s been waiting all day to do battle with you because she’s got “Daddy Issues”, or is pissed off and wants revenge because of how she was raised. So with that said, let’s go through the email success story. So this is the woman that wrote in because I guess she found out about my work because of her boyfriend, because he was an avid fan. And so at some point when they got serious, he introduced her to it. And now they’re both students of both books.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

Hope you are doing well. Not sure if this email will reach you, but just wanted to say a huge thank you. I met your work through my boyfriend. He is from Wales.

Which is in the UK. For those of you who don’t know.

He is 34 and I am 33. We have been together now almost two years and he is really a 3% Man. I find your content to be assertive, and also a total stand out: hearing someone talking about integrity, following your passion and working hard for it, be a good communicator, etc. it’s like fresh air among all the insanity we see on social media today.

Where I come from (Argentina) everyone does therapy. I personally have been in therapy for many years, but it wasn’t until 2022 where I found my current therapist and made a lot of progress. When I moved to Europe for work three years ago, I noticed that doing therapy here is not very common and it’s also expensive. However, my boyfriend found your work years ago and I think it’s the only person that I know that managed to turn his life around, or did the equivalent of therapy work with your books and videos.

We have copies of both Mastering Yourself and How To Be A 3% Man. We enjoy listening to your videos, and I can say that I am in the best relationship I ever had. We have a lot of fun together, we support each other, we communicate very well and we love each other very much. I attach here a photo of both of us.

Which obviously I’m not going to share with you guys, but she was very nice and they look like they’re having a good time together.

I don’t want to take much more time, so I hope you are doing well and thank you again for all your work! Thank you and Cheers! 

Best,

Jessica

Well, Jessica, thank you for sharing all the way from the UK. So I appreciate that. And so like the first emailer was mentioning, if you guys haven’t already signed up for our paying Members Only Content. In the video description of this video, there are links to join on YouTube. You can join on Spotify, or you can join on our Website.

And if you join on our Website, you get a seven day free trial so you can see what kind of content you get for your money. And at the end of the seven day free trial, you can choose a monthly or an annual plan. If you chosen the annual plan, then you get a 25% discount for paying the whole year up front. So you get six additional paid Members Only Video Newsletters like this one that only paying members have access to on a weekly basis.

There is a 3% Man Study Group Podcast. That’s a weekly podcast. We also have a weekly Mastering Yourself Study Group Podcast, and we have the full Viewer Questions Podcast. And we also do other Special Interviews and Videos from time to time that Paying Members have access to. So again, if you subscribe on YouTube, you’ll watch the content on YouTube.

If you subscribe on Spotify, you’ll watch the content on Spotify, and if you subscribe on the Website, then you’ll consume the Website there. If you subscribe on Spotify, you won’t have access to the Website or YouTube because there are different platforms.

I see some people thinking that if they subscribe on YouTube that they’ll also be subscribed to Spotify, and that’s impossible. You know, the platforms don’t connect like that. But obviously we prefer that you sign up on the Website because YouTube takes a big chunk of the membership fee and so does Apple. They take their pound of flesh.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.