We Had 2 Great Dates, Then She Went Back To Her Ex. What Now?

What you should do if you go out on a few dates but she gets back together with her ex.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met a girl on the hinge dating app. They had 2 great dates and hooked up. Then she canceled their 3^rd date saying that her ex got back in touch and she obviously wasn’t over him and is giving him another chance. He wished her well and told her to get in touch if it didn’t work out. He asks me to critique his performance and to see if there’s room for improvement. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “We Had 2 Great Dates, Then She Went Back To Her Ex. What Now?”

Well, this particular email is from a guy. He met a girl on the Hinge dating app. They had two great dates. They hooked up and then she canceled their third date saying that, her ex got back in touch with her and she’s going to basically give it another chance with him because she’s not completely over this dude. And so, he wished her well and said, “hey, get in touch if it doesn’t work out.” And he asked me to critique his performance and how he handled things and see if there’s room for improvement.

So this is a really good email because if you date enough, and sometimes you’re going to meet a girl you really like. Things are going to start off real hot and heavy, and all of a sudden she’ll go cold like this guy does. And so the last thing you want to do is get butthurt, upset, get angry, get mad, get defensive, get perturbed, because masculinity is calm. And as Thích Nhất Hạnh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

And so, in this particular case, if an ex is coming back that she just broke up with because that’s pretty common. Women have a breakup. What’s the first, what’s like the quickest way to meet new dudes for the average woman? It’s like, go on a dating app, and within minutes you can have tons of matches. And even if the girl is just there to boost her self esteem, she’s going to feel better. But in this case, it seemed like things were over.

She got on a dating app because she didn’t want to sit around and be present with the unpleasant feelings, and she met a new guy and she hooked up. But obviously she wasn’t still over the ex. And it’s like, you don’t know these things when you meet somebody right away. So it usually comes out within a couple of dates, or a couple of weeks of meeting, and especially if she was with the guy for a number of years, and the breakup was only a few weeks or a couple of months ago. And, you know, because oftentimes you can figure it’s 75% of the time women are doing the dumping.

So there’s a good chance that the ex is probably the one that got dumped. And he wasn’t happy about it, and he’s been trying to get her back. And so it’s really important if you come across a girl, which I mean everybody does at some point, that’s in a situation like this, is that you just let her be and you leave the door open for her to potentially come back. Because the reality is, if it didn’t work out with the guy the first time around, it’s probably not going to work out the second or the third, or however many times it’s been.

Viewer’s Email:

Dear Coach, 

So I have a weird work schedule where I work 7 days straight 12 hours a day out of town and then I come back home for 7 days straight off and repeat every week.

So he’s in town every other week, basically.

I have been on the Hinge dating app and met this girl who messaged me first and we had a few texts back and forth but because I was out of town, I couldn’t make a date in person and she was out of town so it would have been two weeks into the future.

So instead, I just booked a video call date with her which went really well, and I asked the questions and let her do most of the talking and I ended the call after about an hour. She messaged me immediately after asking more questions and I responded a few times but wanted to stay off the phone, so I booked a definite date with her the following week for dinner.

Yeah, it’s like the old adage from show business, “always leave them wanting more.” That was a cliffhanger. So the conversation is good. It’s just a video date. But the problem is you’re not together there in person and you will be back in town in a matter of days. And so, he is being a good student and realizes that you want to sell people in person. Anybody that’s in sales knows that the best way to sell your prospect is in person, and not over the phone, not over video. And so, what she got was a taste.

And as the conversation is going and she’s getting into it, especially if she’s doing most of the talking, and all of a sudden you’re like, “Hey, well, I got to run or I got to get up early or whatever. It’s been great chatting with you. You know, I’ll get in touch when I get back in town.” Or whatever. You’re leaving her wanting more. Which is, it’s the perfect thing to do. He’s got a weird schedule. He’s out of town, and her schedule is not really lining up. So it’s a good way to see if there’s rapport. Let her see a little bit of you. But as soon as she’s getting excited, getting to know you. “Oh, I got to go.” He leaves her wanting more and she obviously wanted to keep the conversation going, so she reached back out. He’s like, “wow, this girl obviously likes me.”

So he says he books the definite date, gets off the phone, she keeps sending questions, and then he goes ahead and books a date with her. And so, what he did do, remember he meets her on a dating app. And this is what’s important. If you’re going to meet a girl on a dating app because guys worry about getting stood up or whatever, it’s like if you’re going to meet a girl on a dating app, ideally it’d be much better to have a video date so you can see them. You can see if there’s chemistry, if the conversation flows.

Plus you can see if she looks like her pictures. Or at least a phone call where you can hear her voice because of the conversation doesn’t flow well on the phone. Then you can avoid spending money and wasting your time with a girl you’re not going to click with. And so if you’re making dates and you’re only chatting for a couple of minutes, or chatting through text and say you make a date 4 or 5 days in the future. But since you didn’t really have any time to create rapport.

If you just make a definite date and you don’t do any kind of confirmation or anything when you just barely spoke for 5 or 10 minutes, there’s a good chance she might not even show up just because it’s online dating and she’s got tons of other matches usually. So to be sure that you don’t get stood up like, say, you’re supposed to meet at 7:00 for a date, then maybe 2 or 3 in the afternoon, you could say, “Hey, Jessica. I’m running late. I got jammed up at work today or whatever. I can’t meet until 7:30. Does that work for you?”

And that way, if she’s going to flake or, “Oh, I can’t make it. Oh, I forgot about it.” Or some BS excuse, she can weasel out of it and then therefore, you’ll save yourself the trouble of driving there and then getting stood up. And that’s for like when you don’t have much rapport. But in this particular case, this guy spent an hour talking to her on video.

So it was kind of like a preliminary date. And as it’s going well, what does he do? The smartest thing. He leaves the conversation, so that left her wanting more. It allowed him to remain mysterious because she did most of the talking on the video date, so it was a great way to take what’s in The Book and adapt it for the situation to make sure that there was some rapport there. And so it continues progressing.

After that she messaged me a couple of days before the date asking how my work week was which I just responded briefly with a few texts and told her I would see her at the date.

And so again, he’s avoiding getting involved, and too much texting and talking on the phone because he already has a date set up. And so, this is perfect. He spent an hour on video creating great rapport with her, and the fact she’s reaching out a few days before the date they have set up. I mean, it just shows her interest is high. And so therefore, the likelihood of getting stood up or blown off is should be nonexistent. The only reason she would not show up is if she’s just an ass. But it doesn’t look that way because everything went well.

So this is a different, because I do see comments where guys that text a girl back and forth a couple of times, and then they set a date a week in advance and then just show up without confirming, and then they’re shocked that the girl doesn’t show up. It’s like, well, you didn’t have any rapport with her. It’d be different if you met in person and talked for an hour or whatever, and then set a date 3 or 4 days in advance, because you got to know each other a little bit.

You got to see each other, you got to interact. You got to talk. In this particular case, he did a video date, but only did one for an hour and then dipped, leaving her wanting more. And so, that causes her to pursue, because now he’s mysterious. He’s different than every other guy that she’s meeting on there.

The date went really well we had a very fun conversation at dinner which was mostly light-hearted and her doing most of the talking.

So just like in the video date, she’s doing most of the talking. And that keeps you mysterious because you’re not talking, therefore she’s not learning about you or getting to know about you. And women are like cats in that regard. If there’s something more to find out, they stick around longer.

If you do all the talking on your first date or on a video call and you tell her your whole life story, well, there’s no reason to go out on any other future dates because she already knows everything about you. This way, you’re a total mystery. “There’s just something about you.” Is what they’ll typically say.

After dinner I suggested we go to a mini-putt place which we did and had a blast.

So now he’s doing like putt putt golf, which I like these kinds of activities because they facilitate physical interaction. And you teasing her and messing with her so she can touch you or punch your arm playfully, that kind of thing. So a facilitates physical touching, physical interactions, which leads to kissing and kissing leads to heavy petting and heavy petting leads to “hey, let’s get out here and go back to my place and open a bottle of wine, or have some coffee or tea or whatever. Let’s go sit in a Jacuzzi.” Whatever happens to be.

I dropped her off at her place and kissed her on the lips good night making out for a few minutes. She messaged me the same night saying she had a great time and we should meet up the following day which I agreed to and we met at a café.

So this is good too because it’s her idea. She’s asking him out for another date. So under normal circumstances, like what’s discussed in 3% Man, you make the date, he kisses her good night, and then he’s going to wait till the following week or 4 or 5 days in the future to set up another date. Because again, it’s like you’re trying to go slightly slower than she is.

But her interest is going up so well or so high that she reaches out the following day and says, “hey, let’s get together and go on another date.” And since she’s the one bringing it up and suggesting getting together, and because his schedule is open because again, he’s on for seven days and he’s off for seven days. So in that case, it’s her idea. Then you don’t have to worry about rejection because she’s the one that wants to see you. 

We met at a café and played a question type game asking some personal questions she suggested and we had a blast. I suggested we go back to my place and we did and we did some karaoke and hooked up.

I can tell this guy is a better student than most of the dudes that email me. You can tell he’s read The Book and he knows what he’s doing. He’s flexible. He’s not a robot with things. And he understands the philosophy. He understands the principles and things aren’t etched in stone with this particular guy. And so, you can see here there are things that normally you wouldn’t do as The Book teaches. But since she’s being flexible, she’s pursuing him. She’s bringing up getting together. It’s her idea.

And so, that’s what happens when you read The Book 10 to 15 times. You know when to move forward, when to stop. When to back up. Guys that just kind of go through The Book once or twice. Or they don’t go through it at all and they’re cherry picking videos. That is much more clunky and awkward and weird. They don’t know when to move forward, when to back off, when to stand still. And this guy has done a masterful job. So great email so far, dude.

We talked a little more afterwards where she revealed that she couldn’t quite read my interest level/intentions. 

“I can’t figure you out. I can’t tell if you’re really into me or not.” It’s like, “well, my penis was deep inside you, so that should be a clue that I kind of like you.”

I didn’t hear from her for another 5 days so I messaged her on the fifth day to set up another definite date at my place where I would make dinner and she agreed.

I probably would have gone out, would have made a date to go out and do something. Because again, you only hooked up with her one time, and where guys can kind of make a mistake is that the girl comes over and they hook up, and then they just start inviting the girl to come over every date after that. And then it becomes like a booty call or a hook up call. So you got to kind of be careful with that in the beginning.

And plus you’re trying to be different and mysterious and unpredictable. So if she just spent the night at your place and you hooked up, I probably wouldn’t invite her over to make dinner right away. I would have probably waited. But her interest was really high. But just the fact that she disappeared for five days. You know again, you see why.

She messaged me again 2 days later.

This is remember, this is after he’s got the third date set up, basically, that she’d already agreed to.

She messaged me again 2 days later telling me about how her marathon run went really well and I congratulated her. Then one day before our date she messages me that she wasn’t going to be coming to our date as just this week the guy she had been seeing previously (ex) messaged her and that she still had feelings for him, and she didn’t want to involve me in trying to get over him.

So now the ex has come back and the picture. She’s feeling overwhelmed. And you really can’t do a lot, because in this, unfortunately, in these circumstances, the ex has all the leverage because it just has more time in with her. So she had more time to emotionally bond to him and not to you. Even though this guy’s game was, it was pretty tight.

Like I said, the only one critique I would not have gone for a dinner date for the third date, I would have gone out and done something and then ended back up at his place. But that was the only thing I would have done differently. But at the end of the world, the ex is back in the picture and he’s got all the leverage and you don’t, because you’ve only been out there a handful of times.

She then said she had a really great time with me and thanked me for everything. I just responded that I hope everything works out for her and that she shoot me a text if she changes her mind. Thoughts? Critiques? 

Thanks,

Bob

Yeah, that’s all you can really do is like, “hey, well.” I would have just said, “Hey, if it doesn’t work out, you know, get in touch. I’d love to see you.” And just leave it at that. But what you did was enough. You let her know that the door was open and to get in touch. And that’s all you can do at this point. And so, say a couple weeks or a month or two goes by and this other guy fucks up like he probably will, turns her off once again for the same reasons, she’ll probably be back. It’s at least a 50/50 shot, but I’d say more than likely whatever happened to turn her off to this guy, he’ll probably do the same things all over again.

Unless of course, he’s come across my work. But, more than likely she’ll be back. And if she does, then I would invite her over to make that dinner together. Because then you’re going to be following the script in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and once that happens, say she does reach out in a few weeks, then you make a date to make dinner. You hang out, you have fun, you hook up. I would never call or text her again for any reason, because we know that the ex is in the background and it has to be 100% her idea. Plus she’s the one that ended things after things went really well.

So maybe she gets over this guy, it doesn’t work out, and then she comes back and then you just pick right back up. But the important thing to remember is if she does come back into the picture, then she’s got to do 100% of the pursuing. If under normal circumstances things progressed and you kept moving forward, then she’s going to get to the point where she does at least 95 or 100% of the pursuing. Because most women that are normal and healthy, once you get serious, they’re going to be calling and texting you or FaceTiming you 2 or 3 times a day anyways.

So there’s really no reason to reach out because you’re already talking to her enough. And quite frankly, as men, when you’re six months a year down the road and you’re hearing from your girl 2 or 3 times a day, whether it’s a phone call or it’s FaceTime or it’s WhatsApp or text, you’re already talking to her enough. You don’t really want to talk to her any more than you already are. So there’s no reason to reach out when you’re in that state. Because, again, if she’s always in touch with you and she’s spending the night at your place just about every night, there’s no reason to reach out in those cases.

And because of the fact that she’s now gone back to her ex, she has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. And that way, if she does come back and you’re not doing any pursuing. You’re not going to reach out at all, even if she disappears for a week because, say, this girl does come back. And you start hooking up for 2 or 3 weeks in a row, then all of a sudden you don’t hear from her for 5 or 6 days. You’re not going to reach out to her. Why? Because we know there’s an ex in the background, and she did this once before.

And if she’s coming back as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, then she’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. Because where guys make the mistake is when a girl like this comes back, is they go, “oh, okay, once a week I’m going to reach out to her.” Because they try to move things along and then what happens is 2 or 3 weeks into it, they’ll notice that the girl starts backing off again. And if the ex is still in the background, then what happens is she just bounces back to him.

Whereas this way, if you let her do 100% of the reaching out after she’s ended things to go back to the ex. Then she’s the one that’s got to fix it. She’s the one that has to do all the reaching out. And then you just make dates. Because she might flake again. You might hook up with her for 2 or 3 weeks, and all of a sudden she disappears for 2 or 3 weeks. That’s why you should just kind of treat it as a booty call from this point forward. And if she comes back, then for the next three dates in a row, the only dates you’re going to be willing to offer her are dinner dates in the evening at your place.

Because again, that’s a script out of 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Plus you don’t want to waste your time going anywhere. The farthest distance you’re going to be willing to travel to see her is the distance that it takes to go from wherever you are in your house to your front door, to let her in when she comes over. And so, say she comes over three dates in a row and you hook up all three times, then you can meet her out and pick her up and do those things. But you got to let her do 100% of the pursuing.

But other than that, dude, it’s a great email. I think you did a great job. And quite frankly, the one critique that I offered about that I wouldn’t have set a date in the evening to make dinner for your third date. I would have gone out and then gone back to your house. I don’t think it would have really mattered in this case because again, the ex came back in the picture and your game was tight. It was good.

And you know, unfortunately, because he has all the leverage and you don’t, you’re just not going to win in that situation 99% of the time. But being patient and leaving the door open, I’d say there’s a really good chance that this girl probably gets back in touch with you in a few weeks or a few months or whatever when it doesn’t work out with that other dude.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.