We Have Serious Compatibility & Trust Issues. Can It Work?

How to know if your compatibility & trust issues are solvable.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 41 year old viewer who moved for a job over the summer. He admits he didn’t make time to see his girlfriend after they became long distance. He says they have serious compatibility and trust issues that he’s not sure what to do about. He also admits their values are in conflict. Now she’s talking to another guy and wants space and he wonders if it’s even worth saving.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “We Have Serious Compatibility & Trust Issues. Can It Work?”

Well, love cannot exist where there is no trust. That’s just something that is not fixable. If you’re dealing with a dishonest person, trying to fix them or change them doesn’t work out too well for you. So this particular guy, he’s 41 and you’ll see there’s like a whole load of things going on with his girlfriend. He’s a former Military Marine. So these guys do this stuff a lot. I don’t want to give away the surprise, but he moves for a job because he’s no longer in the Marine Corps.

And I guess he moved from Chicago to Minneapolis. So it’s, I don’t know, ten maybe a short plane ride. I don’t know the distance. They’re not that far apart. However, he didn’t really make any time to go back and visit her. And now she says she needs space. She’s been hanging out with another guy. And he’s like, “Man, is this even worth saving?”

Because he notices there’s glaring issues here, but it’s easy for us to sit here and listen to this and go, “Oh, bro, come on, you’ve got to tap out.” But when you’re in it and you’re emotionally invested. What we all do is we tend to project our fantasy of what we want onto the other person, and then we look for reasons to justify it, even if the fantasy is delusional and not based upon reality.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’m 41, and my former girlfriend is 37. We were together for approximately 2 and a half years in Chicago before I relocated to Minneapolis this past summer for a new federal government career. We shared considerable love and affection. Before I moved, she wrote me a beautiful, heartfelt letter expressing her love. Unfortunately, I never responded with the handwritten letter I intended to write, although we continued communicating and expressing our love afterward.

We’ll you’ve got to look at that as well. So why wouldn’t he reciprocate? Probably because he wasn’t feeling it. You know, we talk about and we beat up on Tom Brady after he and Giselle split up, but he was never present with her. But obviously on some level he probably lost attraction and respect for her. That’s why he just wasn’t showing up. He was not putting his best foot forward.

And if you move for a job and you’re not bothered by or you don’t care to go back home. You’re happy to talk on the phone or whatever. Well, that shows you don’t really care too much. In other words, deep down, you know it’s not right. Maybe on some level he’s relieved. Maybe he moved away because that was kind of an easy way to break up. People do, do those things.

I genuinely loved her and considered marriage and children. However, I hesitated to take those steps because of concerns about her long-term cocaine use.

So she likes the booger sugar.

Cigarette smoking, financial instability, and differences in our values and religious beliefs.

Well, you’ve got to have similar goals and values. And if your values are not aligned, it’s not going to work. And interestingly enough, one of the big reasons why couples split up is they disagree, especially around religious values, like how to raise the kids. And so we already know his values and his religious beliefs, they don’t jive. And then here’s the kicker.

She works as an exotic dancer, and I worried about our long-term compatibility.

Yeah. I mean, a Marine wiving up strippers, they do that shit all the time. Love you guys. Got family members in Marine Corps. A lot of old buddies I grew up with that served in the Marine Corps. But they tend to do things, especially with the ladies. The ladies of the night, if you will. The strippers, the exotic dancers. Captain Save-A-Hoe to the rescue. It’s like, I mean, you already kind of know that’s not going to work.

After relocating, I struggled to visit Chicago because of my new job, family obligations, and my daughter’s serious automobile accident.

Well, she could have come to see you, but did either one of you really try to make that happen? So I think subconsciously part of him leaving was like a way to slow breakup.

Although I continued calling, texting, sending flowers, and occasionally purchasing groceries.

So he’s paying her bills too.

I recognize that my physical absence may have affected our relationship.

You think the family that plays together stays together, and obviously you moved. I assume you took your daughter with you as she moved with you. So home is where the heart is. And clearly, your heart was not back in Chicago anymore.

Approximately two weeks ago, she admitted developing feelings for another man she met through her workplace.

So a stripper meets a dude through work. I wonder if this is how he met her. Wouldn’t surprise me. Happens a lot. A lot of the guys in the Military do this shit.

She acknowledged kissing him, inviting him to her apartment for a tarot reading, and going out to eat with him.

Well, that kind of sounds like a date. I mean, that tells you all you really need to know. But you were no longer present as Giselle complained about Tom Brady. If you don’t date and court, your girlfriend or your wife, eventually somebody else will.

She claimed they weren’t in a committed relationship. What particularly hurt was that nearly two years earlier, we explicitly agreed to tell each other if we began developing romantic feelings for someone else, before pursuing anything.

Well, I’m sure she’d probably go, “It just kind of happened. We just met and the chemistry was there.” I mean, the bottom line is that guy was there, and you’re in Minneapolis and you didn’t try to go visit her. She didn’t try to visit you. I mean, you basically broke up when you moved away, but you kind of held on almost like a little bit of a monkey branching scenario.

There had also been previous trust issues, including an occasion when she claimed to be involved with another man before later saying it was a prank.

Well, there’s a lot of truth in jest. If you’re gonna be in a relationship and you’re committed to somebody and they’re rubbing another guy in your face, “Oh, I’m just joking.” Yeah. No, that doesn’t work. That dog won’t hunt. Speaking of dogs, I’ve got all three fuzzy gremlins in here with me. I’m trying to keep them from barking because sometimes they do that and the lawn guys are here. The tree guys are outside. So there’s a lot of shit going on. I didn’t want to deal with them barking.

Following her disclosure, I became emotional and tried to salvage our relationship.

Well dude, Elvis was going; it just shows, “Why would he do that?” Well, rejection breeds obsession. Because he probably always felt he could go back and get her, but he didn’t. And now there’s another guy in the picture. It’s like, “Oh, I better do something about it.” This tells me he’s got nothing. He’s got no other choices in the new city.

I cried, pursued conversations, and eventually lost my temper during a difficult phone call.

Well, masculinity is calm. And at the end of the day, dude, you can’t really wife up a stripper or a hoe. As you said, your values do not align and you’ve got trust issues.

I even questioned whether she was under the influence of cocaine, although I couldn’t verify that.

Well, she’s always been in the booger sugar, she probably still is. Again, that’s not fixable. Is this the example you want to set for your kids? You marry a girl like this, and you’ll be wondering whether the kids are actually yours or not.

I recognize that my emotional reactions didn’t help.

She subsequently told me she needed time, asked me to respect her decision, and indicated she would contact me. Our communication then stopped, and I suspect she blocked me.

Well, I mean, at the end of the day, she met somebody else and she clearly rode off into the sunset. And if your relationship is really tight and she was going to be the mother of your children, she would have moved with you to Minneapolis. I’m sure there’s plenty of titty bars in Minneapolis.

Despite everything, she recently expressed that she loved me, and I reciprocated. However, there has been no meaningful reconciliation.

Well, you can love somebody and care for them even if you’re no longer with them, even if they’re not right for you. That’s what real, true love is. You want to be able to recognize that your lives do not. They don’t mesh well. Doesn’t mean you’ve got to hate each other. You just say, you know, “Hey, we had a good two and a half years. Hope it works out with the new dude.” And you’re in a new city. Again, why didn’t you bring her with you? That tells us everything we need to know. Because you didn’t care enough to bring her with you. That’s why it wasn’t. And probably she didn’t care enough to go with you.

However, there has been no meaningful reconciliation. Coach, I deeply miss her affection and companionship. Part of me wants to reconnect, while another part recognizes the serious compatibility and trust issues that existed even before this happened.

Again dude, you’ve got a daughter. Is that really a good example that you want to wife up? The woman’s got a cocaine problem. Come on, man.

My questions are, number one, should I maintain no contact?

Yeah.

And allow her to reach out, or make one final attempt to reconnect?

Well, she asked for space, so let’s just assume another guy is watching this. And for whatever reason, things went sideways. And when a woman asks for space, you’ve got to give it to her. You can’t keep calling and texting and trying to get her attention. If you want to stay together and she doesn’t, especially in this case, she’s got another guy, that’s not fixable. You’ve got to go move on with your life.

It’s her job to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. She clearly met somebody else. But quite frankly, it’s obvious to me and probably most of the people watching that your relationship was over before you moved away. And the only reason you’re really bothered is now you found out that she found somebody else already. That’s what really bothers you. And, you know, you probably aren’t dating anybody because you’re so focused on your new job.

So it would behoove you to get back out there and start meeting and dating the ladies you’ve got 3% Man. If you’re new here and you haven’t read it, it’s free to read in the Members Area of my Website. Just go to UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just put your first name, your email address, create a password and it’ll open up right in your web browser. So you get to try before you buy.

Number two, would sending my overdue handwritten response to her love letter be appropriate?

No, it would not.

Or would that constitute chasing?

It would constitute chasing and makes you look desperate. But the thing that that you’re ignoring is that she needs space. She’s going to let you know. So it’s her job to reach out. But she’s got another guy. Quite frankly, you should be happy that she found somebody else because now she’s his problem. And you should look for a good woman that shares your goals and shares your values, and that you can potentially have some kids with. And that will be a good step mom to your daughter.

I mean, a stripper who’s into cocaine and who’s not the most honest person and rubs other guys in your face. And based upon her career choice, she’s always shaking her moneymaker with other guys. It’s like, that’s a non-starter. It should be common sense. But again, you’re a Marine and you guys are just known for doing those things. Army guys do it a lot too, but Marines especially.

Number three, if she returns, how can I distinguish genuine interest and accountability from merely seeking emotional or financial support?

So okay, he was paying bills too. Again, you’re looking for somebody that’s a teammate, an equal, and this woman can’t even pay her own bills and she’s got a cocaine problem. It’s a non-starter. It’s not your job to fix her or to be her therapist or to be her drug counselor or her pimp for that matter. It’s just, it’s not going to work. It’s not a good example as a stepmom to your daughter. It’s like, come on, man, you’ve got to have some common sense.

Number four, given the circumstances, is reconciliation worth pursuing?

No.

Or am I holding on to a relationship that wasn’t healthy for my future?

Well, you’re holding onto something that’s already over, and the only thing that really bothers you. Again, rejection breeds obsession. You didn’t care. You didn’t even bother writing a letter back to her because you’re like deep down you weren’t feeling it. That was your intuition communicating to you. And like I said, you only care now because she found somebody else first. But it’s good because it means she’s unavailable.

I would sincerely appreciate your perspective, including where I may have gone wrong and what I should do differently.

Thank you for your time and guidance.

Respectfully,

Bob

Well, you went wrong by committing and getting into a relationship with a stripper who has a cocaine problem and a money problem, because her problems become your problems and your kids problems as well. So it’s like, come on man, you’ve got to let the hoe go back to the streets, and find a woman who was raised right. Loves her dad, easygoing, easy to get along with. She would never rub another guy in your face even as a joke. She loves her mom. Loves her dad. Admires her father, respects her dad. Her dad is worthy of respect. He’s the alpha of the house.

Everybody respects him, including mom and the other sisters. If you’re dating a girl that doesn’t respect her dad, the mother doesn’t respect the dad. The daughters don’t respect him. She’s used to walking all over guys, and she’s always going to challenge your authority and be a fucking pain in the ass. It’s like, why would you want that? It doesn’t work. So again, you need somebody that is nice to you. She’s easy going, easy to get along with. Most importantly, she’s raised right and comes from a good family.

Because also you want grandparents to your (future) kids that are a good influence. I can’t imagine that she’s got a great family because whatever her family’s like, they’re going to be grandma and grandpa and aunts and uncles, and if their family’s a train wreck as well, it’s like, how does that help you to raise children? It just doesn’t. It’s not a good combination. You can’t make good wine from bad grapes, my man. So like I said, if you’re honest and you take a step back, you moved away. Didn’t bother bringing her with you, wasn’t he? It doesn’t sound like it was even a thought.

Like I said, it looks almost like you were just trying to get away and left her ass behind. Your ego just got roughed up a little bit because she found somebody else first. And what’s good about that? It means that now she’s unavailable. So if you were in another situation like this and say it was a normal girl and you screwed up and displayed too much unattractive behavior, when she wants space, you’ve got to give her space. You’ve got to give her as much space to the point where if she doesn’t reach back out, like she says, you guys will never speak as long as you live.

It’s her job to earn another chance with you. When she dumps you, it’s her job. When a woman meets somebody else, it’s her job to fix. If you’re just kind of casually dating, and she was a little further along with somebody else, or maybe got back together with the ex and got to give him one more chance. Just let her be, and you walk away.

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