We Should Breakup. I Don’t Want To Lead You On

Why you never get involved with a woman who is taken hoping you will be her next boyfriend.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who naively got involved with a woman who had a boyfriend that had cheated on her and treated her badly thinking he was going to be her white knight. He started over pursuing her and chased her right back into the arms of her ex.

Then his friend who obviously doesn’t have a clue about women told him to contact her a few weeks after she dumped him saying she got into the relationship too soon and felt she would be leading him on if they stayed together. He did and she blocked him everywhere. He asks my opinion on what he should do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy, I think he’s fairly new to my work and I think he’s in college. He met a girl, I guess in class, and apparently a few months before she broke up with her boyfriend, they were kind of hanging out and flirtatious. It’s clear this guy probably saw too many Disney movies. He’s got to be Mr. White Knight because this girl’s ex-boyfriend cheated on her, did lots of bad things. He admits he started over-pursuing, and literally he chased her right back into the arms of the ex. Now she’s back together with him.

He went no contact. I mean, she was pretty brutally honest. She’s like, “I’m out,” and then he talked to one of his friends who absolutely has no clue about women, and he’s like, “You should reach out to her, tell her how much you care and you like her.” So he does that, and her response was to just block him everywhere. So now he’s like, “I really want a chance with this girl,” and he’s just kind of ignoring the fact that her and the boyfriend don’t really seem like very high character people.

His biggest mistake was trying to get involved with the woman who had a boyfriend because he’s thinking, “I’m a better guy than the boyfriend,” because this is what you see in the movies, right? You meet this girl and you have this great connection, and she’s in a relationship with a guy. It’s just horrible. You think she deserves better, and you’re like, “I’m a better guy. I’m gonna save her. I’m gonna be Captain Save-A-Hoe. I want to be Mr. White Knight. I’m going to rescue her from her bad life and her bad boyfriend.” That’s cute in a movie, but in the real world, let’s see what happens in the real world with these situations.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

For some backstory, around November, my ex broke up with her ex-boyfriend because he had cheated on her last year and did other things that caused the breakup. After the breakup, he would do things like talk to her mom and see who she’s talking to or dating. At one point, one of our mutual friends told us that her ex-boyfriend said to him that he could smell her perfume in the hallway. She would even yell insults at him whenever he was around because of things she thought he was doing after the breakup.

Sounds pretty healthy…

So already right out of the chute, you’ve got mutual friends in common that know everybody, and it’s like, how well does that turn out? Another thing that comes up is that if you have somebody that’s in your peer group of friends, whatever is being said, you got to assume it’s going to get back to her, or the other guy for that matter, because apparently his friends know the ex-boyfriend and vice versa. So that’s really what a big reason why gentlemen never kiss and tell.

We were flirting a few months before their breakup…

So you were trying to mow the other guy’s lawn? Not good dude.

…Eventually got closer, and became boyfriend and girlfriend in mid-December. 

Wow, that was pretty quick. If I was a betting man, I would say probably the guy that wrote the email is the one that tried to lock her down, and she went along with it at first, but wait, there’s more.

Things were going great, and we spent a lot of time together, making out all that stuff, but one day we went to a restaurant where her ex-boyfriend works, and my ex and her family just assumed he wasn’t working there, and sure enough, he was there.

If you know the ex-boyfriend is friendly with her family, and then you go with the family and your new girlfriend to the ex-boyfriend’s restaurant where he works, who watching this is going, “Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’m totally down for that. Let’s go hang out with your lying, cheating boyfriend who I ripped off?” In essence, because that’s what he did. “Sure, that sounds great. What a swell time. That sounds like so much fun.”

After that awkward interaction, she started acting cold and distant and looked like something was bothering her…

You think? Think about it. Whatever you make a girl feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. So if you’re going to the restaurant where the ex works and he cheated on her, talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

…But I didn’t want to overthink anything. 

A couple weeks later, we were still hanging out like usual, and things were fine, but on the day before and the day of the breakup in January, she was even more cold and distant, but I had just assumed she was just stressed out with school and her swim season.

That evening, she messaged me saying…

Oh man. She cares about you so much, you just get a text breakup.

“…Hey, I think I jumped into this relationship, and I didn’t really get to process my feelings about my last relationship. I think we should break up. I can’t give you what you want…”

That tells me that he was way more into her than she was into him. She wasn’t over the ex, clearly. I mean, you’re going with her and her family to where the ex worked. “Oh he probably won’t be there today.” I don’t know what you were thinking on that, dude. Maybe you were inhaling too much helium. What were you thinking?

“…And all day I’ve felt guilty about leading you on.”

So the reason why she feels guilty leading him on is because her attraction for the ex is going back up, and her attraction for this guy is going back down, because what he’ll admit to later on in the email is that he was over-pursuing her. So under normal circumstances, he might have been able to keep her attracted if he wasn’t over-pursuing and was letting her do most of the calling, texting and pursuing, but obviously he didn’t do that. Quite frankly, it doesn’t really seem to matter because you got her family and your ex, and obviously you have mutual friends in common that all know each other.

I mean, going to the restaurant where the ex works and you’re going, “Yeah, let’s do that.” I’m like, “I don’t want to go hang out where your ex works. No, I’m not doing that.”

I tried asking if we could talk about it, and she said, “I don’t think we can; I don’t want to lead you on.”

In other words, she knows you’re way more into her than she is into you. That’s why it’s all based on how she feels, and she really wants the ex back.

I responded, “OK, I understand,” and immediately did no contact. 

A few days later, she got back with the same ex-boyfriend who cheated on her and gave me back all of the stuff I gave her, and has been cold and distant and sometimes acts like I have never even existed.

Yeah, because it’s pretty much how she felt. So you bought her gifts and stuff and she gave it all back. Probably because the ex-boyfriend demanded it. Remember, this is the guy that cheated on her.

She would always and still does sit near or beside me in class when there’s other seats available, and I’ll sometimes see her side eyeing me and another one of our girl mutual friends who I’m close with, who’s also told me she saw my ex looking me up and down a few times.

Another thing. Your operational security sucks, dude. You’re telling too many people in your life about what’s going on with this girl, and you have all these common connections. So a girl in your class knows all about the fact you used to date her. So you’re probably verbal diarrhea all the time to her, your verbal diary, to all your friends and everything is getting back to her.

Two weeks into no contact, the same friend told me I should try reaching out to her and see how she’s doing.

Oh, so the female friend told you to do that? Women always say, “Tell her how you feel. You got to let her know how you feel.” She’s pushed you away and said, “I’m getting back together with my boyfriend. I don’t want to lead you on. I’m out of here,” and some random girl in class is like, “Just let her know how you feel.”

I listened…

You know, because he’s illusion of action, right? He’s like, “I got to do something to get her back.”

…And at the time I figured out, “What’s the worst that could happen,” and I reached out with a casual “Hey…”

Like a chick.

…And 15 minutes later she blocked me on everything and told her boyfriend I tried to talk to her even though she kept me unblocked on everything for weeks after the breakup.

Yeah, I don’t know how he found out that she told the ex. Again, you got too many people in common here. This is just messy. You should not be getting involved with some other dude’s chick, bro. Life is not a Disney movie,

Looking back, I am aware I was over pursing and was too available in the relationship, but recently she’s started to look more happy than usual than a week ago, when her body language and actions looked like she wasn’t that interested in her boyfriend.

She wasn’t over him and you chased her back into his arms. Plus, she’s probably thinking she’s going to fix this other guy that cheated on her.

I still want to get back with her because she’s an amazing person…

No she’s not, dude.

…But now I’m worried I screwed things up and blew the chance of connecting with her in the future. Any advice would be much appreciated, and I just started reading your book, How To Be A 3% Man, which I plan on reading 10–15 times.

Bob

What you really need to do is apply the book with other women who actually have character, and stop trying to steal other guys chicks. Again, life’s not a Disney movie.

This situation was totally messy. If you’d got involved with a girl who the ex was out of the picture for good, and it’d been six to 12 months since they had stopped talking, then yeah, maybe give her a chance then, but you just got involved in the middle of something very messy that is involved in your peer group and her peer group. Plus, you’re involving girls in your class into this. Come on, dude.

You got to keep this stuff to yourself. So when a woman blocks you, you don’t keep reaching out to her. When she tells her boyfriend that you’re contacting her, you don’t keep reaching out to her. She knows you want to date her, you over-pursued her. When you look at her explanations about not wanting to lead you on, she knows absolutely that you were way more into her than she was into you. She’s not sitting there going, “Gee, does he still like me?” She knows you like her and you want her, but yet she’s still dumped you.

You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. She still sits in class, but you should be spending more time talking to this other girl in class. Maybe if there’s some other cute girls, go sit next to them and talk to them and don’t pay any attention to this particular woman, because quite frankly, it doesn’t sound like she makes good decisions. The fact that her whole family is involved and they’re probably all on board with her getting back together with the lying, cheating ex that doesn’t look good for her character.

If I were you, I’d do nothing. I’d focus on other women, focus on applying what’s in the book so you can actually get better. If you don’t get better, then say she does reach out, because it’s more than likely not going to work out with this other guy, and you’ll probably be one of the first dudes she reaches out to. If she reaches out and you go right back to over-pursuing, acting dopey and trying to lock her down, she’ll bounce from you. Maybe not to the ex, but it’ll be some other male orbiter, and then she’ll blow you off and she’ll give you the same phrases, “Oh, I don’t want to lead you on. I moved on too quickly after my last relationship.”

You can’t smother a woman into loving you. It just does not work. You have to let women come to you at their pace. Obviously going through 3% Man, you’re starting to see that. The important thing is to read the book and apply what’s in the book with other women so you can get better and stop making these same mistakes. If you don’t, all women that you meet in the future, you’re going to turn off for exactly the same reasons, especially if your tendency is to over-pursue, act dopey and try to lock a girl down to a commitment as soon as you can. That’s only what a needy, desperate guy that can’t get any dates would do, and all that’s going to do is turn all women off in general towards you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.