Weekly Relationship Venerability Check-Ins

What it means when a woman wants weekly vulnerability check-ins.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his girlfriend because he felt smothered and cornered due to her weekly vulnerability check-ins during their relationship. He told her he needed space and she ended the relationship.

He wants to stay together but she insists she’s done. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, that’s a mouthful.

This particular email is from a guy who was in a relationship with a woman, and she’s now apparently really good friends with his sister. She works for, I guess, this foundation that he’s in charge of, and she really got deeply into his life, but something that was important to her was she liked to do weekly vulnerability check-ins, and he says he felt smothered and backed into a corner. Eventually he’s like, “Hey, I need space. This is kind of overwhelming for me.”

So just as it appears, it seems like he had a problem with being very emotionally and mentally intimate with her. Now, it doesn’t mean he needs to sit there and talk about all his feelings, his emotions and his fears, but it’s clear his girlfriend was going out of her way to just have like a weekly talk and talk about them, their relationship, their needs and their wants, and it seemed like he just didn’t want to have a relationship on that level. Then when he asked for space, she just insisted it was done and that’s it. There’s not going to be another get back together. She’s obviously pissed off, obviously hurt. Remember, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open. If you can’t handle this and you run away when she’s trying to share her thoughts, emotions or feelings over time, you do that enough, she’s going to feel like you just don’t care, or you’re not capable of real, mature adult intimacy and having difficult conversations.

So when I first read this, a weekly vulnerability check, I was like, “What the fuck is that?” So I went ahead and googled it, and the term I googled was “Relationship weekly vulnerability check-ins.” So basically it says, “Weekly vulnerability check-ins in a relationship are a great way to deepen intimacy and communication. These check-ins involve regular conversations about emotions, needs and concerns, fostering trust and connection.” Remember, most of the time you’re going to be listening to her, and if you just shut that shit down and you want to avoid it, you’re in a long-term relationship, that’s not going to go well. So you’re going to close her legs up, which is basically what this guy did.

“By setting aside time each week to discuss these important aspects, partners can address potential issues early, strengthen their bond, and build a more resilient relationship. Here’s how to structure and implement weekly vulnerability check-ins.” Well, just remember the ten disciplines of love that’s in the back of the book. “Fear and hurt imprison the heart. Speak your truth. Hold nothing back.” If he’s constantly avoiding it, it makes him look like he can’t handle closeness and intimacy and eventually, a woman’s going to tap out if you’re not willing to listen to her because it makes her feel like you don’t care.

1. Schedule and Structure.

• Regularity: Choose a consistent time and day for your check-in. Weekly is a good frequency to address small issues as they arise.
• Time Limit: Set a reasonable time limit, such as 30 limits, to keep the conversation focused and productive.
• Safe Space: Create a comfortable environment where both partners feel safe to share their thoughts and feelings.

2. Questions To Ask.

• Emotional Check-Ins. “What’s something you’re proud of this week?” “What was the most difficult part of your week?” “How could I have better supported you this week?” “When did you feel most connected with me this week?” “What do you feel worried, nervous or scared about right now in our relationship?”

Well, talking about your fears and you’re worried about this and you’re worried about that, that’s not really something for a man to be discussing. If you’re talking about your fears and what you’re scared of, even though women are like, “Oh, you should talk about your feelings,” it’s going to have the opposite effect because they’re just not set up to deal with when a guy is scared or afraid or fearful of the future relationship.

• Focus: “What would you love for us to do more of?” “What needs have you been hesitant to acknowledge with me recently?” “What do you appreciate about our relationship right now?” “What do we need to improve in our relationship?” “Is there anything you’re worried about that you haven’t told me yet?”

Again, being fearful and worried as a man is not going to be helpful. I would rephrase it, but some of these are pretty good questions, because the quality of your relationships is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions you consistently ask each other.

• Personal Growth: “What are your goals for next week?” “What can I do to support your goals?” “What excites you most about our sex life?” “Are there any activities you want us to try out together?”

Again, I think those are all great questions.

3. Communication Guidelines

• Focus on “I” Statements: Express your feelings and needs without blaming or accusing your partner.
• Active Listening: Pay close attention to your partner’s words and body language, showing empathy and understanding.
• Be Open to Feedback: Acknowledge your partner’s perspective and be willing to make adjustments.
• Don’t Interrupt or Argue: Allow your partner to express their thoughts and feelings fully.

That’s something that a lot of people have a problem with. They don’t want to hear, especially when it’s uncomfortable things that’s being shared with you. What you notice is if you’re ever having a conversation with somebody and they’re constantly interrupting you and talking over you, it’s usually because you’re saying something that makes them feel uncomfortable and they don’t want to hear it, so they’re trying to stop the conversation. They’re trying to stop you from talking. In a relationship that really makes it difficult because then you’re going to feel frustrated if they’re constantly talking over to you.

I experienced that quite often in phone sessions, especially when I’m sharing uncomfortable truths with guys and pointing out things that they’re fucking up on, they’ll often just start talking and try to talk over me and raise their voice to kind of drown me out because they don’t like what I’m sharing. So I have to interrupt them and let them know that they need to listen to what I’m saying, and I point this out, “This is why you’re trying to talk over me,” because people just can’t handle the truth sometimes, especially when it’s unpleasant. Nobody likes to hear that they’re fucking up or they’re doing something wrong, but if you’re on the phone doing a phone session with me, that’s what you’re paying me for, is to point these things out so you can take corrective action.

• End On a Positive Note: Express gratitude and appreciation for your partner and the relationship.

4. Adapting and Evolving

• Tailor to Your Relationship: Adjust the questions and structure to best fit your unique needs and preferences.
• Be Flexible: Don’t be afraid to deviate from the plan if needed and adjust the check in to address specific concerns.
• Regularly Reflect: Consider what aspects of the check in are working well and what can be improved. By incorporating regular vulnerability check-ins into your relationship, you can strengthen your connection, enhance communication and build a more fulfilling and resilient partnership.

Overall, again there’s some pretty good questions here. Just as for us guys getting her to talk, trying to get or having her try to get you to talk about your fears, your weaknesses, what you’re scared about, what you’re worried about, I would keep those things to yourself because it’s not going to be helpful. If you’re freaked out about losing your job or paying your bills, it’s not helpful because if you’re freaked out, she’ll be freaked out. Masculinity is calm, remember that. She can be freaked out and she can be emotional. Besides, women are going to talk about these things more anyways.

So with that in mind, now let’s get back to our email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve followed your work for years and have gained a lot from your teachings on masculine frame, emotional self-control, and never chasing. I’m writing now because I’m in the middle of one of the most emotionally complex and painful situations I’ve ever faced, and I want your unfiltered perspective.

I was in a relationship with a woman I loved deeply. She is strong, emotionally intense, and truly my equal, something I rarely find. We were bonded not just romantically but also professionally and spiritually. I brought her into my nonprofit, made her a partner and she became deeply connected to the mission. I also introduced her to my world socially. She is now best friends with my sister and close with most of my inner circle. That makes this breakup especially difficult to navigate cleanly. We still have a trip to Africa planned at the end of June for nonprofit work. She is committed to going.

The relationship began to unravel because she initiated weekly vulnerability check-ins. I told her multiple times that they made me feel smothered and emotionally cornered. Eventually, I asked for space. Not to break up, but to breathe and reset. Her response was that space means we’re done. She followed that by saying that once I let her go, I could not come back. Then she went silent.

So if that was going on for a period of time and you’re constantly basically saying, “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to be intimate with you. I don’t want to hear about your thoughts, your feelings,” maybe she was pressing him to talk about his his fears and his desires, and that made him uncomfortable. So from her perspective, she’s trying to have a deeper connection and a deeper relationship, and you weren’t having it.

Remember, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs are going to close. So what you did by being unwilling to listen and participate was you communicated that you didn’t care enough and she wasn’t important enough for you to sit down and listen and try to hear where she was coming from and understand her.

That weekend, I sent her a short, heartfelt text. I told her that I still loved her and cared about her, and I acknowledged that I understood she did not want space. I expressed this with sincerity, not desperation. Her response was to close the door completely and reassert that there would be no future between us.

So she’s pretty hurt, pretty upset, and she’s like, “That’s it, you’re done! You’re gone, motherfucker! You’re out of here!”

To be honest, part of what complicates this for me is that I didn’t fully let myself fall all the way in with her during the relationship. I held back emotionally. I loved her, but I didn’t allow myself to completely surrender to it. And now that it’s over, I’m feeling the full weight of what I had and didn’t fully embrace.

Still, I didn’t chase. I respected her words. I sent a short, emotionless response confirming I would return her things, and I have held complete silence ever since. No contact. No drama. I dropped off her belongings at her house without a note.

She hasn’t unfollowed me, hasn’t blocked me, and hasn’t reached out, but she also hasn’t said a word. She has told others she is done, and from what I can tell, she believes that.

I’m not begging. I’m not waiting, but I am grieving. And despite how it ended, I don’t fully believe she is emotionally done, even if she’s trying to be.

So here’s what I’m asking:

What’s the play here?

Well, you can’t fix anything if she’s not willing to fix it. She’s adamant that it’s over. You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you, but you let her know that you wanted to work things out and she’s saying no. So it’s kind of like she’s kind of getting revenge and not giving you a chance to fix it.

I don’t know how long this went on for or how long you guys were together, you didn’t elaborate. I don’t know if it was years or months or weeks, but every time your girlfriend wants to talk to you about things that are important to her, if you continually shut it down and you’re not interested in listening, well you got a time limit on that. You might get six to 12 months and then she’s going to tap out and that’s what it looks like happened. She eventually just gave up and is like, “I can’t.” Especially when you ask for space, you were pushing her away and you’re basically telling her that you didn’t care to hear what was in her heart, what was important to her, and you weren’t interested in co-creating.

Do I treat this as a permanent ending and move forward no matter what happens in Africa?

Well, if you’re there, again if she shows signs of attraction, she gets close to you, you seduce her, hang out, have fun, hook up. The formula doesn’t change.

If she does come back, what is the frame I hold?

Well, it’s the same as before, but what I would do is say, “You know, after we broke up, I realized how important these vulnerability check-ins were. After I thought about it, I probably made you feel like I didn’t care, I didn’t care to make you feel heard, I didn’t care to make you feel understood, and that was wrong of me,” because obviously, if you make a woman feel like you don’t care about her enough and you do it long enough, eventually she’s going to leave you.

And how do I stay grounded in my masculine center while working beside someone I was once deeply bonded with, who is still in my social and professional ecosystem?

Thanks for your time and for the work you put into the world. 

Bob

Well, I would just only be around her if it was absolutely necessary. Again, if she teases you, it’s like you treat her the same as you did before. Tease her. Joke with her. If she bumps into you or gets close to you, you can embrace, you can hug her, you can kiss her. Again, if she presents herself to you physically that way, put aside the fact that you’re broken up. If she becomes affectionate, just embrace her like she’s still your girl, but at some point, I would assume she’s going to want to talk to you and you should definitely offer an apology because you made her feel like you didn’t care and you weren’t interested in listening.

Again, I don’t know how long that went on, but as you said in your email, this was something that was an ongoing issue. You made it very clear you didn’t like it and you didn’t want to do it and you felt smothered. You felt backed into a corner. Maybe she was trying to get you to talk about things that were uncomfortable you didn’t want, or trying to get you to talk about your weaknesses and your emotions. Just like what I talked about when I read what came up in Google, from a guy’s perspective, I wouldn’t be talking about those things, but things that are, “What can I do better?” “What can she do better?” “What would you like her to do? “More of those kinds of things, those are all good questions because again, the quality of your relationship is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions that you consistently ask each other. So anything that facilitates conversation, facilitates her doing things for you that are important to you and vice versa are great. You talking about your fears and the things that scare the crap out of you, it’s not going to make you look more masculine and confident. So those are things I would just avoid.

“What am I afraid is going to happen in our relationship?” “What am I scared to talk to you about?” Again, you should have open lines of communications. So those should not be things that you should have an issue with, but you can’t just when a woman wants to talk about these things, I don’t know, maybe she’s got a therapist that told her to start doing this, it’s pretty clear you constantly shut her down to the point where she just gave up and was like, “Well, this guy doesn’t really actually care about me.” It sounds like she was trying to deepen the relationship and you weren’t having it, and as you admit, you couldn’t. Now you look back on it and you couldn’t really handle it, or you weren’t ready for it.

So I definitely say at some point in time when the two of you are together and you start talking, I would offer an apology that, “I thought about it. You probably felt like I didn’t understand you. I didn’t care to hear you. I didn’t care to listen. Your needs, your wants, your desires weren’t important to me, and that wasn’t it at all. I was just a little overwhelmed with everything you wanted to talk about, because I never had a woman behave this way or want to talk about these things. So at times, you made me feel smothered, and you know what? I shouldn’t have reacted the way I reacted. I’m sorry that what I did hurt you and made you feel like I didn’t care. That was definitely not my intent, but I’d like to work on things if you’re open to it.” You know, it takes two to tango. She’s got to be willing to listen. She’s got to be willing to make the effort, and right now she’s just like, “Hey, it’s done,” and she’s telling everybody in your inner circle that it’s done. You can’t fix it if she’s unwilling to work with you.

So be playful. Tease her like you always did when you do see her. Don’t be mad. Don’t be butt-hurt. When the opportunity arises, obviously let her know. I would definitely apologize to her because she’s clearly pissed off and she’s clearly angry. She’s clearly hurt, and that’s why she’s kind of stonewalling you now and just saying, “That’s it. No more chances. We’re done,” because she’s giving up.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.