How to know if your current lover is someone who is a good match for you where their strengths compliment your weaknesses and vice versa, so you can have a great relationship and help each other reach your full potential together.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whom I have been coaching for about a year now. I have answered seven previous emails of his in other video coaching newsletters:
“Time To Put Your Big Boy Pants On”
“Healing Our Inner Child”
“Living & Speaking Your Truth”
“Women Love Me For Who I Am”
“Effortless Sex, Dating, Love & Relationships”
“Why We Settle”
“Our True Nature As Spiritual Beings”
In his latest email, he shares some revelations he’s had about his girlfriend and the fact that she seems to be a really great match for him. He’s been with her for about six months, and has really been doing a good job of overcoming his fears, insecurities and doubts about himself. This has enabled him to consistently maintain his emotional self-control and resist any neurotic tendencies he has. He mentions that he would like her to pursue him more and want to spend more time with him. He still struggles with the impulse to start treating his girlfriend like his mommy or his therapist when he feels like he wants to talk about his fears, weaknesses or shortcomings. I tell him what he should do instead. Keep in mind, he is a very successful couples therapist and often struggles with the same fears and doubts as regular guys do.
It is me again. Here’s a quick update. I am still sorting my life after the breakup. My ex is still hurt and not really making things easy. We have to agree about some financial stuff. My job is basically going great. (You’re doing the right things and focused on your mission and purpose.)
With my new girlfriend Jessica, the one that was single most of her life, we are now five months down the road. I am still crazy about her. Sometimes I really don’t know why exactly, but I enjoy spending time with her so much, and I adore her body. She is not the type that talks about emotions a lot or sends me a lot of romantic texts. I have to judge her by actions, but here I can’t complain. She goes out of her way to fulfill wishes for me, we plan summer holidays, and she gives me presents. (This tells me she’s a giver. She will spend time buying you things because she cares.) Still, we have a great connection, and we enjoy the sex. She says she is sold on me.
The only thing that bothers me is our different attachment styles. Obviously, I have a lot of stress in my life, but she does too. When she is stressed out, she needs to retreat to her cave and needs time on her own to recover. (She’s an alpha female who competes in a man’s world. However, it’s important in a relationship to maintain sexual polarity.) When I am stressed out, I reach out and need some company. I try to avoid making her my mommy, but it feels awkward to not reach out, and in some cases, I was frustrated to not see her, which did not help my case! (He needs to talk, but he should be reaching out to his guy friends. When you’re not in your center and unsure of yourself, it’s going to move her into her masculine to make up for it, which is not her natural essence, and she will resent it.) I definitely can see she needs to come to me at her own speed. She MUST feel free with me to come and go as she pleases. Whenever I manage to do this, she responds with a lot of love and kindness, but at the end of the day, she needs less time together to feel bonded to someone than me. (He’s still doing 20% of the pursuing, and it’s counter productive. He should slowly back off and give her more space over the next several weeks, so that it gets to the point where she’s doing 100% of it.)
In some weeks, especially on the weekends when I have my children, we only meet twice, and in rare cases, only once, and we meet on the other weekends. Inside the week, she needs to feel the freedom to not plan everything and make spontaneous dates. Once I let her do this, she starts reaching out to me and asks me out, but sometimes out-waiting her takes some patience! (Six months in, and he’s still struggling with controlling his emotions and not over pursuing.) So in essence, it works, and I have the feeling that all this is really her style and has nothing, or not much, to do with her feelings, at least I hope so. (You are still pursuing her too much at this point, but if you back off over the coming weeks and give her some space, eventually you will end up spending more time with her.) She says she can only be with me, as I understand her so well. It seems I am really the first guy in decades, or even ever, that keeps her emotions alive. All of her friends are so curious about me and make fun of it saying, “You really needed a couples therapist as a boyfriend.”
I really love her and like being with her. Where I need your opinion is, I mostly think she is really an awesome match for me. We share so much, have similar goals, hobbies and so on. I like her family and her friends. I adore her physically, and love to talk with her. I feel so good in her presence. She won’t put up with my weaknesses or insecurities, and she does not like giving me reassurance, so I think she is a great coach for me to make my own life awesome and not rely on her too much emotionally, but on myself, to continue living my own life. (She is great for him because she won’t put up with any bullshit or weakness.) On the other hand, I sometimes wonder if a woman that pursued me more would like to stay more often at my place, needed less time on her own and gave me more reassurance would give me more peace of mind and would not trigger my weaknesses as much, such as my old fears that I am not good enough, I will get dumped, and so on. (She should be doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. The reassurance you need is approval-seeking behavior, but you need to hang back and let her come to you. )
I am looking forward to your thoughts about this.
My response to him:
Once again, I think you’re doing awesome even though you seem to think you’re not doing so well. What I think is so interesting about your relationship with this woman is that she is kind of the strong, silent type and okay when the two of you are apart. Those are qualities that you have been working on developing and improving. Had you have not worked on these particular qualities that you were weak in, you would have never been able to attract her in the first place. She tends to be cold and emotionless, whereas you are a more touchy, feely communicator, so you each tend to be strong in areas that the other one is weak in. Therefore, you’re a great match for each other, so both of you can become better versions of yourselves. If you were dating a woman who pursued you more, she would come off as needy and you would become easily annoyed by her. I think at this point in your life, Jessica is the perfect woman for you. You need to continue working on and growing your emotional self control. She makes you a better man and you make her a better woman. The purpose of all relationships is that you go there to give. You’re there to help each other grow and become more. You’re doing great, so relax. It’s in the bag. Keep doing what you’re doing. I’m very proud of you. Just continue to make sure that you never make the mistake of trying to make her your mommy or your therapist. When you feel like a pussy, go have a beer with your guy friends and talk with them about it, because if you do it with her, it’s going to turn her off.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“What makes people a good match for you? Smart and successful people are very careful about who they allow into their inner circle as friends, lovers, clients, family, business associates, etc. The best kind of people to have in your life, are people whose strengths compliment your weaknesses. Everyone has days where they feel down, defeated and like they simply got the hell beat out of them. By having only high quality people in your life and in your inner circle, they will pick you up when you are feeling down and always see and want the best for you. Good communication is the key to any kind of healthy, long-term relationship. The right peer group will support, nurture, encourage and help you reach your full potential. The wrong peer group will cause your life to be full of drama, heartache, difficulty, frustration, challenges and cause you to question if life is really worth living.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne