In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who was dating his girlfriend for about three months. He started feeling neglected by his girlfriend when her texting and calling started to taper off when they were not together. He started feeling like she was blowing him off and was becoming distant when they were together. Then he found my work. He made the mistake of letting her do all of the calling, date setting and decision-making. He basically became the woman in the relationship.
Last week he did not hear from her at all. Then he broke up with her out of fear, anger and frustration. She told him that they were at different places in their lives. She said that she grew tired of him following her lead and basically not being the man. However, this has caused him to start doing all of the calling, texting and pursuing. Now he is over-pursuing and thinks he’s got things all figured out. I point out what he was doing right, what he is now doing wrong and what he needs to do to keep himself from getting friend-zoned. He’s gone from one extreme to the other instead of finding a balanced happy medium. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
This isn’t really a question, but I wanted to say thank you. I had been seeing my girlfriend for three and a half months. She quickly made me her boyfriend, posted it on Facebook, made future plans all of the time, etc. Within the first month during that time, there were periods when I felt neglected by her if she wouldn’t text or call when she normally did. (As I discuss in my article and video, “Women Are Like Cats, Men… Dogs,” women are like cats. When the cat gets too familiar with you, its attention is placed elsewhere. You thought something was wrong and got into a fearful state.) It put me in fear mode, so I began reacting in fear, thinking that she was blowing me off because her texting/calling had slowed down when we weren’t together, and while we were together, she would become seemingly distant for a while as well. (You were totally confused by her behavior and probably questioned and called her out on it. This made you look weak and needy, which turned her off and caused her to back away.)
I began taking in your material. I made mistakes by letting her initiate ALL of the texting/calling. (That’s what I teach in my book. All the guy really has to do is start the courtship and pursue in the beginning. As her attraction level grows, she starts reaching out more. However, if you come unglued when she doesn’t call, it makes you look weak, needy and desperate.) I felt lonely when she didn’t, so I just didn’t do anything. Then, last week when I didn’t hear from her at all, I became upset, lonely and fearful and I “pulled the trigger first” by breaking up with her. She responded by saying, “We are at different places in our lives,” blah blah blah. (She was turned off to the point she didn’t even want to talk to you. You breaking up with her further displayed your insecurity.) I ignored her for a few days. Then I sent her a text about why I had broken up with her. I told her that she had made me feel lonely, unappreciated, etc., that I couldn’t just be friends because I wanted to touch her and make love to her, and that if things ever changed, or if it didn’t work out with whoever she was seeing now, (you’re pre-supposing she’s dating another guy, which makes you look jealous, insecure and weak), for her to call me, that I loved her, and goodbye — all things that I learned from you to end it sweetly, state what you want, and be real. (You haven’t read the book. You watched a few of my videos, cherry-picked some information and used things that reinforced your fearful worldview, until it spiraled out of control and you broke up with her.)
Unbeknownst to me, someone who is Facebook friends with her told me she was out with her friends at happy hour the moment I sent that text, and she stopped what she was doing with them and sent me this long book of a text to tell me the truth. Well, it was a lot different than the “We are just at different places in our lives” bullshit. It turns out, I had neglected her myself by not contacting her, and she was getting tired of initiating everything. I had also acted less than a man by “following her lead” instead of making plans, which she said “wore on me.” (That’s the real problem here. You were a follower, you acted unsure of yourself and it turned her off. You made her the man in the relationship by expecting her ask you out, decide where to go and make the plans.) I totally did NOT expect ANY of that! I expected her to blow me off! Although in the body of the texts she says “my decision to end it now,” my friends who are girls have read it and all say, “Yeah, she’s just saying that to save face. She would not have stopped her girls’ night out to tell you the truth about what you did wrong and admit that she still loves you if she wanted the breakup. She wants to be with you.” My ex also said that me insinuating that she is seeing someone right now is “out of line,” and that she is “not seeing anyone else, nor am I interested in anyone.” Translation: “Pursue me Bob!” (This all revolves around the fact that you are insecure and unsure of yourself.)
Things I learned from you in all of this:
1) Women are like cats. They need to leave your lap and go do their own thing for a while before they come back to you. (That’s absolutely correct.)
2) Never hold back in your relationship. Tell her EXACTLY how you feel all of the time. (You have to notice how much she’s expressing it. Let her talk about those things more.)
So now, for the past couple of days, I’ve been initiating all of the communication. (You went from one extreme to the other.) I’m doing it “from a place of love rather than fear,” as I learned from you. (You need to read the book 10-15 times. If you keep over-pursuing her, she’s going to friend-zone you.) Even though she says we’re broken up, I realize now that as time goes by, she will begin to trust me again to where she can open up and begin to initiate communication with me again. She is once again answering my texts in a timely manner, and it’s good with no pressure. I also have knee surgery coming up, so my recovery time keeps me from “Hey, when are you free to hook up.” This will create a natural time away from each other to reflect on things.
If it weren’t for you, I would’ve kept my pride and never opened up to her about how I really felt about her, but now we are texting and we will see where it goes from there. (You’re texting ?! The phone is for setting dates dude. Hang out, have fun and hook up.) I don’t expect a response, I didn’t pay, I just want to say thanks, but a response would be nice if you have the time. (By being unprepared, not being familiar with the book and taking shortcuts by just watching a few videos, you have totally confused yourself. If you’re reaching out to her, it should be to make a date. It’s a man’s job to create a romantic opportunity for sex to happen.)
Thank you Corey!
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women are like cats in that they tend to come and go as they please, are sometimes moody, change their minds often, seek adventure elsewhere when they get bored and are more connected to and comfortable with their emotions. Feminine energy is similar to mother nature. One moment it might be sunny and beautiful, the next moment there might be sudden lightning, rain, thunderstorms, hail, snow, tornadoes, etc. Men should not take a woman’s unpredictability personally, because it’s not about them. Men should think of themselves and masculine energy as being more like a rock, a mountain or a dog; reliable, always there no matter what, and not diminished by anything.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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