We’re Long Distance & I’m Worried About Where I Stand Constantly

Some things to consider if you’re dating long distance & worried where you stand with her.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a guy who’s in the military and will be deployed soon for about six months. He’s dating an older woman long distance and he’s constantly worried about where he stands with her. He’s pressured her about a relationship in the future, but she says she’s not ready and is kind of distant.

He asks if he should walk away or what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, that is a bad way to go. If you’re always focused on a relationship and where you stand or where it’s going, it’s going to be really hard to be in the present moment. It’s going to be really hard to be relaxed and calm, which is what masculinity is after all. If you’re needy and neurotic and constantly trying to find out where you stand with her or how she feels about you, you’re going to look incredibly insecure, cowardly and weak, and you’re going to dry her up drier than the Sahara Desert, which is not a good thing. It’s not a good thing when you’re getting the friction on.

In this particular email, this guy is in the military and he’s going to be deployed soon for about six months. I guess he’s about five hours away from this particular woman. She’s older, but he’s constantly worried about where he stands with her. So he started trying to pressure her about a relationship, and she basically told him she wasn’t ready for a relationship and she don’t know if she will be.

This is the problem with most guys in the West, is they’re too focused on the relationship and locking her down to a commitment, because that’s pretty much what they always see in the movies and TV shows, “You better put a ring on it. You better lock her down or somebody’s going to come along and steal her.” When you behave that way in real life, 99% of the time, the guy is way further down the line, way more into her than she is in him. Women like you more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them. It’s just the way it works, because then they work harder to get your attention and your validation to win you over. They like you more, they prefer it that way, even though if you ask them the them the question, they’ll complain and say, “No, no, it should be 50/50.” You know, that kind of nonsense.

After he found out she’s not ready for a relationship and she seems to have backed off a little bit, he’s like, “Hey, do I just walk away? What do I do?” Mostly they’re talking on the phone and then they’re getting together in person. Plus, this woman’s older, he’s in the military, he’s going to be deployed. Honestly, this guy should be dating somebody around his age or younger. An older woman can be fun for more experience. I don’t know how much older she happens to be.

Let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hello Corey,

I’m currently in a situation with a older woman. We’ve been dating for three months and she told me she needed distance to figure out where she was with the idea of a relationship.

So she’s basically saying her interest is low. She doesn’t want to spend as much time with you. You’re making her feel smothered. You’re coming off as needy and neurotic, and you’re going to have to get that shit under control because that turns women off in general. It’s a bad way to go.

We were reaching out to each other 50/50 in the beginning…

Which if you do that, you’re going to elicit feelings of platonic friendship in her. It’s too much pursuing. As the book says, you should never do more than 20% to 30% of it.

…And I was always afraid I wouldn’t hear from her again…

Again, we have two primary fears. I talked about this often. Fear that we’re not enough, in other words, we don’t have what it takes, or fear that we won’t be loved. So there’s a little bit of both of those going on. If he doesn’t think he’s good enough, or he didn’t get enough strokes from mom and dad as a kid, he’s naturally just going to assume he’s probably not going to be loved because that’s what he got used to. That’s what his parents trained him to expect when he was younger if he didn’t get enough strokes. So when you get into a relationship with a woman, you’re constantly needing reassurance that she cares about you and she’s into you, which is very needy and very unattractive.

…And I have troubles with being mentally obsessed checking her social media constantly and being jealous of her male orbiters.

As I talk about in the book, you could be the best boyfriend in the world. If you’re with a woman who is of low character and doesn’t value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, if you’re slipping up a little bit, she’ll just start talking to other guys and may cheat on you. So ideally, you want her to think you trust her implicitly when you’re vetting her and you’re dating her because if she thinks you trust her implicitly, she’ll get cocky, she’ll get sloppy and you’ll catch her. That’s what you want.

If you’re constantly on her ass, “Who’s that? Who are you talking to?” Being suspicious all the time, then she’ll just get better at hiding those things, Especially if she already is a liar and a cheater, that’s just the way she operates, she’s already going to be pretty good at hiding it. If she thinks you’re suspicious, she’ll focus on hiding it even more, which will make it harder to figure out. You want to figure that shit out as early as possible instead of later on down the line when you’re goo-goo ga-ga over her. Or worse, you’ve knocked her up.

These are my honest feelings. I’ve read the book three times, but always struggled with abandonment issues. 

Well, what would really help is if you had two or three other women that you were dating. I mean, this woman is five hours away, so if you had two or three others you were dating, one is no choice, two is a dilemma, three is a proper choice. So I would say you need to get at least two more girls for your practice squad.

Our relationship was established through online dating. She lives five hours away from me, so it’s always hard to be in person with her. We’ve been together in person twice for two weekends.

Yeah, that’s not really a relationship. If you’re dating somebody long distance, you should be getting together at least once a month. Like in this case, especially if you’re dating an older woman, she should be established enough to if it’s a five hour drive, she’s willing to drive to you. If it’s a plane ride, she should be willing to hop on a plane and come see you. The next time you hop on a plane and you go see her, it’s got to be some give and take. It can’t be a one way J type of thing where you’re always going to her, you’re always spending your money with her. It’s got to be some give and take. She has to make a mutual effort.

I was talking to a client the other day and he was in a long distance relationship that was a plane ride away. The first couple of months that they were dating, which was like June, July of last summer. He went to see her twice and they talk a lot on the phone. They have phone dates every week, or Skype video dates or FaceTime, that kind of thing, it’s like an online date. The problem was is that come January, he still hasn’t seen her since the summer. So first two months they were seeing or dating each other, they saw each other two months in a row, had a good time, he even met her family. Then six months later, he still hasn’t seen her. The reason why is because every time he tried to go see her, she’s like, “Oh, I’m busy. I got this, I got that. I got finals. I’m studying. I got family, we’re traveling.” Always an excuse. I said, “Bro, she likes the attention and the validation.” Plus, this guy had never slept with her because she’s supposedly real religious and he’s being respectful, but it sounds like he got friend-zoned over the summer and was the last one to realize it, and he’d been exclusive with her.

When I talked to him, it’s like the last couple times he reached out to her, one time she waited three days to respond. Then after that, when he reached out the next time, it’d been a week and he still hadn’t heard from her when we were doing our phone session. So that’s why you don’t want to get into those situations where you think you’re in a relationship, but every time you try to get together in person, a girl’s got excuses. If she likes you, she’s going to want to see you. If she’s in love with you, she’s going to want to see you as much as possible. She’s not going to be OK with seeing each other, or I should say, like in this guy’s case, the client, June, July and it’s now January and you haven’t seen her six or seven months. It’s like yeah, it ended six, seven months ago. You’re just her emotional tampon at this point when she’s lonely, she’s got nothing else going on or she’s talking to and hanging out with Chad, but he’s being a big meanie. She sure likes the fact that you’re willing to listen to her drone on online.

You got to look at the reality of women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, that means they voted for you. If they can’t ever find the time in their schedule to see you when you’re long distance, well then it’s really no longer a relationship. You got to keep that in mind. Again, they’ve only seen each other twice.

Most of our dates are through scheduled phone calls that last for an hour or two. Initially we agreed that we would date to sooner or later be serious but she’s come to the conclusion now that she is not ready for a relationship and went on to tell me she doesn’t think she’s capable of being in love…

In other words, she’s saying she doesn’t think she’s capable of being in love with you because she’s not feeling it. Women only care about how they feel about you, not what a great dude you are. So what she’s telling him is her interest is not going anywhere. Especially when it’s 50/50, it’s going to feel like a platonic friendship. That’s my client. That’s basically what happened to him. He got friend-zoned and was like the last person to find out. Since she hadn’t even responded to his last message a week or so before, I was like, “Well, you’re obviously not together. You haven’t seen this chick in six or seven months. If I were you, I would just start dating other women. You don’t need to tell her anything because she hasn’t even returned your last message. You may never hear from her, and if she does reach out, you can tell her, ‘Hey, I just want to let you know I’m seeing other girls, but I’ll give you a chance to win me back. You gotta hop on a plane and come to see me this time.'”

It’s got to be give and take. Can’t be all one way. Otherwise, you’re wasting your time and your money.

…Because she just got out of a marriage and other relationships before us meeting.

Well, if she is saying that, then you should just go, “Hey, no problem. Well, I’m going to continue dating other women, and when we’re both available, it’d be great to get together.” If you’ve gone to see her twice already, well she needs to come see you the next time. If she’s not willing to do that, then you’re basically digital pen pals. It’s like, what’s the point of that? You’re just going to get blue balls and frustrated and waste a lot of time and emotional energy.

It seems she’s still willing to see me, travel to me and sleep with me, so I’m not completely out of the game. This conversation came up because I was worried she was wasting my time and stringing me along since I found out I’m leaving for six months to other places since I’m in the military. So I wanted to see if she wanted anything serious still in the long run which she replied she wasn’t ready.

Again, you shouldn’t be doing that because that’s out of sequence with what’s in the book. You’ve only spent two weekends together. I don’t know how long you’ve been talking because he didn’t say, but you basically went on two dates. Even though they might have lasted several days while you were visiting her, it’s way too soon to be talking about a relationship, even if you’re talking on the phone because again, you’re not seeing each other in person. So she needs to come see you. That’s the bottom line.

I’d wait to hear from her. The next time you do, say, “When are you going to come visit me?” If she’s like, “Gee, I don’t know.” I would be like, “Well, we haven’t seen each other in three months or six months.” I don’t know again how long it’s been, but I suspect it’s probably been a while. So that’s not good.

If she’s not willing to come see you and she’s like, “Gee, I don’t know, but I wanted to talk,” then she’s probably using you as an emotional tampon. You don’t want that. Then you just say, “Well, it’s been great chatting with you and everything, but unless you’re going to make the effort to see me, it’s kind of not really going anywhere. I mean, I like you, I like making love to you, I like being with you, but it takes two to tango. If you’re not willing to hop on a plane to come see me after I’ve come to see you twice, then that just shows me you’re not willing to make the effort that I’d want to see to continue this. If you’re available or you want to come see me, that’d be great. Otherwise, I just want you to know I’m going to date other people.”

Do I walk away from her since she changed the terms of our relationship, or should I continue courting her to the best of my ability…

I wouldn’t call her or text her any more. I’d wait to hear from her. When you do, invite her to come see you. Then if you get anything other than, “Oh, hell yeah, I’d love to come see you! I’m going to book my flights and send you my itinerary, and this is when I’m coming,” then great, book it and have her come see you. If she’s like, “Oh, I don’t know. It’s probably going to be a few months,” I would say, “Hey, I like you and I like talking to you, but this is kind of not going anywhere because I’ve come to see you twice and you’re not willing to do anything to come see me. So unless you’re willing to get on a plane and come see me next time, I just want you to know I’m going to date other woman. I need a little more than this. I need more effort. I know you went through a marriage and you got all these things going on. It doesn’t sound like you’re in the right headspace, and we’re kind of not on the same page. So it’s been great. If you want to come see me, let me know. I’m gonna run. I’ll talk to you later,” and get off the phone.

…Seeing each other whenever we can physically and continuously setting phone dates for long distance?

Well again, next time you talk to her, I wouldn’t call her, I wouldn’t reach out at all because she’s already backing off. So next time she does reach out, you can do another phone date and just say, “Hey, when are you going to hop on a plane and come see me? I’ve already come to see you,” and if she doesn’t give you a definitive answer, if she just leaves it up in the air or gives you excuses or wishy-washy answer, then I would just say, “Hey, I think you’re a great girl, and I’ve really enjoyed the couple of times we’ve spent together, but you and I are talking on the phone a lot, but we’re not seeing each other and I just want more than that. I want someone that’s willing to make more of an effort. I want to see you in person. I’ve come to see you twice already, so now it’s your turn to make the effort to come see me.”

Again, if she just gives you excuses and this and say, “Hey, I understand you’re busy or you’re not in the right headspace. That’s fine, but I just want you to know I’m going to continue seeing other people because I just need something more. I’m happy to date long distance, but you got to make more of an effort than you are in order to keep me engaged and making the effort in this. If you’re not excited about hopping on a plane to come see me, then hey, get in touch when you are. I’m going to run. It’s great chatting with you. I’ll talk to you later,” and then get off the phone.

How do I go about setting this phone dates so I don’t over pursue?

Again, I’d be letting her come to you and make plans to come see you. If she’s not willing to do that, you’re just spinning your wheels, dude.

Thank you for your time Corey, and for all you do. Please don’t be easy on me. I need to hear the truth so I can kick myself in the ass.

At this point, I’m letting her contact me 100% and I just act excited to see her and enjoy our time. I just screwed up by seeing where I stand with her in the long run because I don’t know where my life is headed these next six months.

Thank you again, Corey.

Bob

Well, we know you’re going to be deployed. Again, if this girl is not willing to hop on a plane and come see you, you’re wasting your time. If it was me, I’d be dating two or three other women in the area. Especially if you’re having a hard time applying what’s in here because as you said, you got abandonment issues. The best solution for that is to have a nice practice squad of three or more different women that you can date and always be churning it, because what happens when you meet somebody you really click with, they’re going to want to be with you and you’re going to be want to be with them. It’ll be really easy that way.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.